Pre-teen daughter suddenly identifying as 'non binary'.

[PatButchersEarring]

Such a first world problem, particularly in light of recent world events, but our pre-teen (12 year old) daughter has recently decided that she's non binary, has asked us to call her by a different name and refer to her as they/them.

It is all out of the blue. Up until 1 year or so ago, she was 'tom boy' ish, but generally happy in her own skin. Before this, quite typically 'girly', in the way little girls often are. I would add though, we are aware of gender stereotyping and have always actively sought to make her aware that gender stereotypes are no more than just that.

Now, we have discovered she is self harming and wants to be known by a different (non gendered) name with neutral pronouns etc.

Several of her same age friends are also identifying as the opposite gender from their biological sex. One of her female friends is declaring herself to be a 'gay male' i.e. her biologically female friend identifies as a boy and is attracted to boys. 'He' has already had several (non official) name changes.

Parents of aforementioned children seem to be in support of this.

Maybe I'm a dinosaur, but my stance is that if you're not comfortable with your 'gender' then it's the perceived gender roles which need to be changed, not the person's identity.

I don't know what to do for the best. Why oh why is this even an issue for a child who has not even gone through puberty?

I really hope this is just a phase. Is it a fashion? The new rebellion? 2022's equivalent of smoking behind the bike sheds?

Anyone else been through this? We have sought counselling for her BTW, specifically in light of the self harm.

Sorry- not really an AIBU.

I'd explain your stance on it but use the name and pronouns she wants and give her time to grow out of it. It's no different to being a punk/goth/emo IMO, most people grow out of it when their social circles change.

The self harming is much more concerning, will she talk to you about it? Be very gentle and understanding and really listen to her and take her issues seriously. Being a teenager can be so hard.

I see that you're probably gender-critical from the OP but it won't help to be openly GC in front of her because she will have been taught to hate these beliefs, probably for no reason. Support her - no special attention to gender re-identification, treat it as par for the course - but be wary about influences from friends and internet

Limit tech (use it in family room only for limited time, parent reserves right to check phone, etc). Assess websites she uses regularly - how many are widely negative, etc. Don't visibly cut her off from friends but encourage clubs at school or branching out through year group

Make sure she has regular activities and responsibilities esp. physical and outdoors, give her opportunities to make friends outside of school, help her to form an identity around actions she's proud of. Volunteer with horses? (this helped so much when I was her age! Good way to instil values and make friends), reading, art/crafts? Lean into her hobbies and interests basically

Get her off social media now.

Smile and tell her that’s nice. Don’t make a big deal of it

I would think very hard before you go down the affirmation route - at least with the pronouns. It can be very difficult to change back. Please be aware that most mental health professionals will also tend to affirm immediately. Self harming is also a social contagion used to hold parents hostage in my experience. You will get good advice on the various support groups mentioned above. You will find your experience is very common. Please educate yourself before agreeing with pronoun changes.

@HermioneWeasley

Get her off social media now.

Smile and tell her that’s nice. Don’t make a big deal of it

This is good and simple advice and exactly what needs to be done.

You need to tell her:

Darling this is very worrying
Of course you cannot change sex, or tell people how to talk about you
You can of course wear what you want and love who you want when you are ready
But why are you hurting yourself? We need to talk about that.

You may be able to find a therapist that actually treats the self harm and doesn't suggest she's anything other than a girl through Thoughtful Therapists (on Twitter/the web). You won't get anything from the NHS anyway unless she's tried to commit suicide. As we found out with a 9 year old who told us how he wanted to do it

Its just a social thing these days. Young children see and hear so much rubbish on social media, and of course,go to school, and discuss all their views about things, lots about all this non binary stuff obviously, not to mention all the other stuff that they do on their phones.

I think it was on here that I read on here ages ago, that a woman had posted,that her daughter was doing this non binary thing, aged 12, and her daughter said that about 12 or 14 girls in her class at school were all going to be non binary too.

Lots of teenagers and even younger ones, now seem to follow like sheep,all the trends that are going on, and this non binary one, seems to be just one of them. It doesnt matter to them what their parents may think., some teenagers think its cool to be in with the croud, and get fixated on all sorts of things.

I know you are doing your absolute best about gender stereotypes but its absolutely everywhere which makes it impossible to avoid, and in general women are treated like absolute shit by society so I'd try and reframe it that she is rejecting all that bullshit that women like pink and should have a job that pays less I think this is the current way of doing that (if you cant beat them, (almost) join them).

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Remind her that a few short years ago, she probably wanted to be a puppy or a fairy princess or Peppa Pig.

Smile, nod, get her off of any social media platforms, pay attention to who she’s friends with, don’t get to a stage where your validation means her notions become beliefs, and love her through this phase like you’d do with any other.

My formatting went mad...I was going to say maybe non binary means it's no one elses business what's between her legs and she will succeed regardless.

I agree with PP, they very well may be joining in with a friendship group . This is happening a lot . Year 7/8 . Just support support support. 💐

It's not all bad. Not all non binary/gender fluid people have terrible mental health issues, some are ok. What ever gets them through these tumultuous years is what gets them through. Be there for them.

She's probably a lesbian. Just so sad that kids are made to feel they need to reject their entire bodies if they don't conform to rigid gender expectations.

It's pretty common in my daughter's school, to the point where she was getting worried whether it was okay to be straight. One of her female friends is now using his/her pronouns and refuses to answer to his 'dead' name. I had no idea what that was until my DD explained.

It's such a minefield really, in that as parents we want to be supportive of our DC expressing themselves but you can also see how bandwagon-y it's becoming and it's worrying.

Thatsnotmygolem, yeah great way to deal with kids with mental health issues

Take a look at her internet access - under 13s should not be using social media sites unsupervised (this includes the likes of Tiktok and Youtube). See if you can find some activities to distract her: riding lessons, scouts, that sort of thing. Anything constructive which gets her a wider circle of friends and away from her phone.

@Momicrone

Why does she need her bubble burst? , isn't she allowed to feel how she does, that is so patronising, can't she work this out for herself?

Since when did affirmation work?

"Yes you probably are fat (even though your ribs are trying to burst through your skin), you probably should starve yourself".

"You feel you want to chop off your left leg? There's a saw in the tool shed"

No, the OP needs to find out why her daughter feels like this and sort the problem out at source. Often it is merely discomfort at changes through puberty and can be solved by providing her with distractions until she is more comfortable with the way her body is.

@ThatsNotMyGolem

Tell her she needs to stop being so fucking self-indulgent.

The time for navel-gazing over gender is well and truly over. We're facing a nuclear apocalypse. Nobody will care who uses which pronouns when we're picking through a nuclear wasteland.

Please tell me you don't have teenagers.

It's all so silly. Bless em, and dangerous to health especially for the girls pretending to be boys. Really wish the adults weren't so muzzled at the moment. I've got doctor friends very concerned about the damage to health but fearing for their jobs if they voice concerns.

Just nod your head and agree-my grand daughter says she virtually the only heterosexual in her year group.It’s been like this last couple of years.can’t wait for the next fad

I would refuse to go along with it. But in a low key way.

As others have said, it’s a social contagion and is really prevalent in yrs 7-8. The impression I get is that it phases out as they get older.

My daughter’s friendship group of biological girls is almost all non-binary - she’s one of the only ones who still identifies as a girl. Some of them have started breast binding which deeply concerns me. There’s also a few of them who call themselves “Femboys”. In other words they are biologically female, identifying as boys, but like wearing traditionally feminine clothes. I despair at why they’re so determined not to identify as their biological sex, despite clearly enjoying their own femininity.

The best thing you can do, I think, is respect their pronouns and chosen name, but ensure no permanent changes are made. I think I would make it clear that it’s ok to change their mind back again if they ever want to. My concern is that sometimes these kids go so far down the path that they feel they can’t turn back.

Urghhh, these comments. Support your kid, don’t make a big deal of the non-binary thing, she is just figuring out who she is, the same as all teens have done forever.

The more you make a thing of it the more it will become a big issue. I’d focus on the self harming and getting her help for that.