To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

[woodenstuck]

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

@BuyDirt

I read just the other day a parenting expert - maybe Gabor Maté – saying show me a child who is 'mature; for their age and I'll show you a depressed adult. Children should be allowed to be children, not accelerated mini adult companions to a lone parent. A child who is always good is a child on high alert for her parent's happiness and fragility.

🤔 It depends what you mean. People always described my daughter as mature because she didn’t misbehave. Being allowed to be a child doesn’t have to mean being naughty. And when kids aren’t naughty, they tend to get described as mature. She still throws herself into activities that she likes and has fun but she doesn’t behave like a dickhead. Nothing wrong with that. I don’t know whether she’ll suffer from depression when she’s an adult, depression is a complex issue. I hope not. But it won’t be because we’ve made her be ‘mature’, it’s just the way she is.

My son was certainly more ‘wild’ as a child. But by 12/13 he was more settled, again he liked to have his fun but he respected boundaries and didn’t act like a dickhead so people tended to say he’s ‘mature’. He’s an adult, no signs of depression yet but who knows what the future holds.

DD is 10. I won the fucking lottery tbh because her behaviour and personality is 99% luck. She's described by teachers as quiet,polite,serious,mature,hardworking etc. She is mostly a good kid and rarely have any issues with her and even then they're small things. She's still a kid.

She Just spent two hours having a bath and playing with random stuff and a glove filled with water named Bubbly. She's still a kid.

I'm sure someone will manage to pathologise that too in some way .

Plus teenage girls are a nightmare. Fuck that so are you having yours adopted if they're girls?

Yrs there are some really unpleasant and inaccurate prejudices emerging about only children on this thread!

We have friends who have only children (boys and girls) and they have a strange manner which in my opinion is from spending too much time in adult company and not being allowed to enjoy childhood.

Or if we wanted to be bitchy we could say that you have no idea what normal children that get plenty of love,attention and interaction from their parents are like. Which is why they seem strange to you.

@Beneficentbovine88

Yrs there are some really unpleasant and inaccurate prejudices emerging about only children on this thread!

Where?

Yabu. Focus on your own life instead of your friends.

When one of my children is out of the house at camp or similar I do suddenly understand the serenity that comes with single child households. I fought very hard to have two but it is chaos much of the time.

I think rather than envy your friend and her life you need to be happier in yours.

I have a single friend who has a fabulous relationship with her daughter ( an only as well) but I also know the heartbreak she has had as well , with her ex.

I have 2 sons and I love them to bits but part of me still hankers after having a daughter, however I chose to stop at 2 children as I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with more as I found 2 boys challenging at times. Cant imagine having 4!

@ldontWanna ooh let me, let me.
Omg, your poor daughter is so STARVED of peer company that she's locked herself back in the metaphorical womb (bath) where she's pretending to have the sibling your choices robbed her of. No doubt she'll head off to University as the odd child who talks to hers in the corner, occasionally whispering Bubbly and giggling.

If you had four children, you didn’t really expect a quiet and calm life, did you? That’s really a massive commitment and it doesn’t sound like you have the time to put into them properly. That’s a shame.

Are you talking about me!? I am a single parent of a young daughter who gets on incredibly well with her ex! We absolutely never shout because we don’t need to.

I would never have chosen to have 4 children because I live for calm and peace. Surely that’s something you considered though and it’s likely you’re ‘designed’ to withstand more chaos. Saying all that though no house should be full of shouting so no wonder you’re unhappy. Look to fix this first.

She has one DC.

I'm a lone parent with 2. I am not close to my teen daughter at all (probable SEN, its miserable for her and me). But I am close to my teen son, who wins awards etc.

Christ, I'm not close to my son just because he does well. I meant to say that doing well isn't a girl thing.

I think you are experiencing "sliding doors". In another life, you have one girl and it's lovely. But in this life, you have a career, and four (five) rambunctious males around you. In another life, you don't have any children, you pursued your passion for [art/music/whatever] and live in [New York/Paris/etc]. It's ok to recognise that you haven't had the opportunity for the kind of girlie, simple relationship that your friend has. Is there anything in your life you could improve to get a bit of that need in a different way? Don't be jealous of her though, she's letting you into that very different world so you can experience it vicariously. You know in your heart that her life isn't perfect though, it's just different.

When my kids were small we had two teens (my step kids, boys) and my own boy and daughter. I still managed a quiet cup of tea. The house was busy but not chaotic. But I can see how four closer in age could be trying.
I now live with my 16 year old daughter and my son is on his own. My daughter and I gave similar personalities and energy levels and we get on really well. She works hard at school, is generally polite, respectful and responsible (she has her moments of course).
By contrast my son is far more gregarious, very high energy, was always up to (non malicious) mischief at school, and pushed the boundaries constantly. He has a quick and aggressive temper. Since he moved out the house is much much calmer.
I know mums who thrive on the hustle and bustle of a full house. I would go mad.

It's her outlook:
that's what it is..

She could easily moan she had no partner. Her daughter has no siblings.
She chooses happy

I completely agree.

It’s your outlook that’s the problem here.

Instead of thinking how hectic it is having 4 boys - think how lucky you are that you have a full house and they have lifetime friends and support.

Unless you are miserable with your DP you need to realise how lucky you are not just from a financial sense but a physical sense like when they were young and you need a shower or to use the toilet etc or one of you cleans whilst the other cooks etc. And also from a mental POV nothing is harder than figuring out what school they should go to, whether they should do certain activities, if they’re eating properly etc it’s nice to discuss this with another person.

But you chose to have 4 kids? She has 1. That in itself obviously lends itself towards a calmer home. I have one DC, though wanted more. The fact that our home is relatively peaceful is one of the advantages of having one. Though part of me would have liked a 'noisier' existence, I do enjoy my life, but no doubt things will evolve as kids (onlies or not) get older.

@ImWearingReallyJudgyPants

OP, if I were you, I'd feel sorry for her, only having one child. I'd also feel sorry for the child, having nobody but her mum in the house. If I could choose either life, I'd choose yours any day.

Just do one.

@woody87

and what will you do if one or, God forbid, both of your twins are girls

OP your feelings as expressed here do sound to me like you are, if not depressed, then completely overwhelmed and teetering on the edge a bit. When I have felt similarly, albeit for different reasons, I know I have had a tendency to see myself as a victim and feel sorry for myself and envious of others. I am rarely being rational or fair when I'm like this. Can I suggest, gently, that you make some time to deal with your feelings a bit, and talk them through with someone? Then a great deal of the chaos in your life might seem more manageable? Dont put barriers up to looking after yourself and admitting you need help to find a way through. I don't think things can get any better until you yourself are in a better place.
FWIW, there's no magic number or sex which makes parenting easier but you do need to admit that it was your choice to have four children and it meant you would obviously have fewer moments of relative calm in your life. That's OK. With hindsight, you may not have chosen to. However, you can only work from where you are today. Be glad your friend can provide you with a sanctuary away from home.

@Bebeschitt

That 8 year old will be 14 soon. 14 year old girls are vicious.

I agree with @AnneLovesGilbert. That's a horrid thing to say. Really unpleasant comment

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress!

But gently OP, if someone with four kids is speaking about how stressed they are then I might want to scream well you chose to have four kids... especially as they're all spaced apart so no surprise twins / triplets upping their numbers!

It was an active choice and yes it's more stressful than having one, or two, or three, but you made the active choice to have four children and the stress that comes along with that.

Err well no one made you have 4 kids

OP, if I were you, I'd feel sorry for her, only having one child. I'd also feel sorry for the child, having nobody but her mum in the house.

What a horrible thing to say.

Oh OP my mum has much worse relationship with me then my sister with her DIL. My sister and her DIL go shopping together, cook fancy meals, discuss decorating/gardening/ traveling etc. I never do this with my mum. Just wait a bit, you might get house full of daughters in 15 years and they will fight who will go for coffee with you.