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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

529 replies

woodenstuck · 27/02/2022 14:29

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

OP posts:
Gowithme · 27/02/2022 16:49

I think having only one child is seriously underrated! I have a sibling and we haven't got on since the day he was born, we argued and fought through our whole childhoods, I don't have one good memory of him. As a mother there was no way I wanted to go through that so it was an easy choice for me.

There is no reason for you to resent your friend just because her stress is different to yours. You say you have stuff to do at the weekend and so hardly ever go out as a family - but maybe that's something you need to prioritise? Maybe you'd all feel happier and get on better if you weren't all cooped up in the house together every weekend?

1forAll74 · 27/02/2022 16:50

Do not compare yourself to anyone, it's a foolish thing to do..maybe envy would be a better word to use than jealousy,, but even then,there is not much point in feeling this way. Your friend and you , have a totally different set up in life, and that's all it is. If you are both friends, you don't have to compare anything really.

CovidCorvid · 27/02/2022 16:51

Focus on trying to make improvements on your life. Work out how to stop bickering with your dh (or divorce) and how to stop yelling at the kids. I have a friend with 3 kids and she doesn’t shout at them, it’s not a given just because you have a few.

somanylies · 27/02/2022 16:52

@BlondeWidow

Single parent to a 7yr old daughter - Definitely, definitely NOT serene! It's hard as hell and LONELY! Even without only having one income. I sit and cry when I see doting daddies with their kids and especially when I see kids playing with their siblings and wishing my DD had a sibling to play with. It breaks my whole heart. If I'm not able to play with DD then she's on her own. She hates it too. I've cried myself to sleep many, many nights.

Life is never, ever, EVER how it seems from the outside and I promise you that. No matter how close your friendship is.

Flowers
Stompythedinosaur · 27/02/2022 16:54

Of course a family with one dc is calmer than one with four!

ImWearingReallyJudgyPants · 27/02/2022 16:55

Funny how all those who object to my "unkind" comment do so in such extremely offensive terms Hmm.

I am glad I come from a big family, and I am glad I didn't have an only child. I would have liked not to have been a single parent, and for my DC to have had more than 'just me', but things didn't work out that way. If I could choose, I would choose not to be a single parent, because being a single parent is no fun. I would also choose, again, to have more than one child. So all things considered, I'd rather have the OP's life. Others may, of course, disagree.

DontBeMean · 27/02/2022 16:57

I think you are being unfair on your own children. You have to try and do something to make your house less chaotic and less shouty. The bickering with your husband really needs to stop. It's unfair on your children.

I have four kids and it's a lot of work and effort but it was our choice to have them. It's not easy and I'd never expect a house with four kids to be a serene oasis of calm but there is no reason for it to be unhappy. You have four kids with TWO adults in the household.

Starblind19 · 27/02/2022 16:57

Oh my god this post is ridiculous. A single mother doesn't know what stress is. Must be nice to have that cushion of a pair of hands/someone to rely on when your Child is sick and you need to work/being single handedly responsible for all household bills and duties.

You chose to have 4 children you obviously knew how hard that would be. Your resentful because you didn't stop at one but don't you assume she doesn't have stress. You made this life for yourself

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 27/02/2022 16:58

I'm a single parent and I have 4 boys, much depends on the child's personality.

I certainly wouldn't want to swop to having an only child. It does get easier as they get older

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 27/02/2022 16:58

@Rustylee681

Why are some people questioning why this person decided to have four kids? It's not like she can give them away, they're here and that's it! try and put some positive suggestions as to how she can make things better for herself and family now, there's obviously unhappiness here, she needs help not judgment 🙄
Because although she's complaining now, at some point in the last three years (as her youngest is only two), she must have wanted four kids.

So it might be that she needs to take a step back and think about why she wanted so many children and what she imagined her life would be like, so she can make steps to get it.

It sounds trite and cheesy but sometimes we can't see the wood for the trees.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 27/02/2022 17:00

I’ve been a lone parent studying for a degree, there is definite stress. I remember one Christmas feeling guilt all the time, guilt if I didn’t study for end of semester exams, guilt if I did at the expense of spending time my DC.
We all have stresses.

Gynaesaur · 27/02/2022 17:02

OP, I was brought up as an only child (have one much younger half sister who I've never lived with) by my grandparents. I was a well behaved child and a well behaved teenager. I didn't bring inappropriate boyfriends home or tell my grandparents I hated them or have massive screaming matches. I had a good relationship with them and a calm, quiet, happy childhood. I did well in school, made friends, and was in no way stunted by not having siblings. I very much doubt I'm alone in that.

So, no, there's no guarantee that your friend's daughter will go off the rails in a few years. Or that she'll be emotionally stunted by- heaven forfend- talking to her mother at home. Or that she'll be some sort of social reject because she can talk in full sentences/ "has a weird manner". Your friend might not even be crying herself to sleep each night over her lack of husband or busy household.

In short, there's little point relying on your friend being secretly miserable. She, in all events, seems happy with her lot in life and that should have no impact on how happy you are with yours.

Tyrantosaurus · 27/02/2022 17:03

@ImWearingReallyJudgyPants

Funny how all those who object to my "unkind" comment do so in such extremely offensive terms Hmm.

I am glad I come from a big family, and I am glad I didn't have an only child. I would have liked not to have been a single parent, and for my DC to have had more than 'just me', but things didn't work out that way. If I could choose, I would choose not to be a single parent, because being a single parent is no fun. I would also choose, again, to have more than one child. So all things considered, I'd rather have the OP's life. Others may, of course, disagree.

Good for you, you sound very happy trying to convince everyone your lifestyle is superior. How is that helpful?

Your husband could leave you tomorrow, that's out of your control, lovey. Best not to be smug about it.

lljkk · 27/02/2022 17:03

How can you resent someone for not having your problems? It's very unkind. Her peaceful life doesn't happen at your expense.

One good thing that happens when you have many DC, you can fall out with one DC but still like the others. In contrast, Your friend has a bad day with her DD, she's not even got a co parent to commiserate with. That's tough.

Gynaesaur · 27/02/2022 17:06

So all things considered, I'd rather have the OP's life. Others may, of course, disagree.

Which isn't quite the same as "I'd feel sorry for the child", is it?

notanothertakeaway · 27/02/2022 17:07

The grass is always greener

Lots of screaming and bickering in your house isn't good. If you can work on that, you may find everything else falls into place

Grapewrath · 27/02/2022 17:07

Op I get it
My friend is a mummy blogger ( or whatever it is) and puts out there all her parenting hints and tips. She’s got one daughter and a very supportive co parenting ex who covers a lot for her financially. While I don’t begrudge her, it can get infuriating when she blogs about the pressures of single parenting and how terrible it is despite having a very typical and easy going dd and having 50% custody.
It’s not her problem, it’s mine but it does make me a bit resentful.

Lovemusic33 · 27/02/2022 17:07

Why do people feel sorry for single parents? My life is so much easier now parenting alone, I might feel lonely occasionally (very rarely) but I love not having someone else to worry about and I love how close I am with my DD’s, I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, I chose to be single. SMSed goes for those who only have one child…why feel sorry for them, maybe they feel sorry for those who have 4?

Ladywinesalot · 27/02/2022 17:07

Vent away, you’re allowed a moan about life.
Yes it’s hard having more then one child, and no your not meant to spend lots of one on one time with each child.

Enjoy your friend as your friendship but focus on the goodness of your own family.

GoodnessTruthBeauty · 27/02/2022 17:08

This is a long thread and I didn’t read past the first page so this may already been said frequently but I think the focus should be on how you can add some of the elements your are envious of to your own life.

When it comes to your boys can you take one out for an hour or two for one-on-one time with you every week or so? I have 3 and I know how hard it can be to give them each focused time, but it sounds like you are actually craving that. Then you don’t have to be in “mum as disciplinarian” role but can just be “fun mum” for a while. Keeping the lines of communication healthy with your kids pays big dividends when they are teens, especially with introverted children. If you encourage them to express themselves and confide in you regularly you can nip a lot of issues in the bud. It so easy to get so busy as a family that intimate, personal time with your kids can be overlooked. Your husband can do the same and also take one boy at a time out for special time with dad. Maybe every 3 months both parents could spend a few hours with just one son. It’s really worth it and the kids remember and cherish the times they get your full undivided attention.

roseotter · 27/02/2022 17:11

I never understand these threads… surely you realized after the first 1 or 2 kids, that extra kids will bring more work, more noise, and more choas?

museumum · 27/02/2022 17:12

Jealousy is an unpleasant emotion. But it does shine a light on your own life. Things that stand out to me are

  • string parent/child bond. Do you get 1:1 time with your boys? Can you schedule in a couple of hours a week to spend with each of them in turn doing something nice 1:1?
  • shouty parenting. You can stop this. There are loads of online courses about how to parent without shouting.
  • bickering with your dh. Sit down and talk to him. Identify the underlying issue(s) and deal with them rather than just bickering endlessly and pointlessly.

And reflect on the joy of a family of six and as PPs have said try to remember why you wanted more than one child.

Good luck OP, it seems like a big mountain to climb but I’m sure it will be worth it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2022 17:12

@woodenstuckThere must have been reasons why you chose to have a big family OP? And there will thus be advantages associated with this from your perspective that your friend and daughter cannot experience. One child is enough for me but I’ve never wanted a big family whereas evidently you did and must have had your reasons so maybe try to remember what they are to help yourself feel a bit better

Phoebesgift · 27/02/2022 17:14

Wonder if OP only has 4 kids because she was hoping for a girl.

Bibbitybobbityboo86 · 27/02/2022 17:15

This is why I chose to have 1 child. My life sounds very much like your friends although I’m married. My daughter loves a cafe, nail bar or popping to the shops. She’s 7.
Having 1 child is wonderful!!!

However!!

I have guilt everyday that I chose the ‘easy’ route. I wonder what my daughters
Life will be like without siblings and that makes me so sad

I look at my friend with 3 kids and a life completely crazily unorganised and sometimes I envy her

I bet your friend sometimes might feel the same?