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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

529 replies

woodenstuck · 27/02/2022 14:29

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

OP posts:
Choccy21 · 27/02/2022 16:14

You chose to have 4 kids, she has 1.
Surely it’s going to be much quieter having just one child in a household?!

collieresponder88 · 27/02/2022 16:14

You had four so I would have thought obvious you would never get peace and quiet.

MsTSwift · 27/02/2022 16:14

Why we stopped at 2. Lovely calm chilled life I shudder at having more - no thanks far too much effort!

mumofone2019 · 27/02/2022 16:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

lightisnotwhite · 27/02/2022 16:16

Well she clearly does have it much easier than you. I have just the one and me and yes, its absolutely very much easier.
Presumably you had a vision for your family of 4 and husband though? . Live that.

The advantage of lots of siblings is that they can rub the corners of each other. Bet your Christmas’s are a riot. Plus there’s safety in numbers
Can you imagine the stress if your either of them get seriously ill. As the grandparents pass away and the extended family get older it can be difficult being the last of the family.

woody87 · 27/02/2022 16:16

I have two boys and I'm pregnant with twins although I don't know the sex of the babies yet I'm hoping for another two boys. I know how difficult things are going to be but I also know how amazing it will be as well.

Also very much agree with previous posters, it's not healthy to treat children as your friend, especially a child of that age. They grow up far too quickly and have this strange way of talking, almost like a mini adult. We have friends who have only children (boys and girls) and they have a strange manner which in my opinion is from spending too much time in adult company and not being allowed to enjoy childhood.

Plus teenage girls are a nightmare. Fuck that

Escargooooooo · 27/02/2022 16:16

*lockdownalli

I am also confused by this OP.

If you wanted a calm serene home life, why did you choose to have four children?*

None of us have a crystal ball.

Er, you need a crystal ball to know that having 4 children is likely to be less "serene" than 1? Is the 4th some kind of Tasmanian devil? Was it serene with 3 children?

Yes her child gets more dedicated time, and probably benefits from that, because she has a quarter of the children you've chosen to have and you work full time too.

You're jealous not of her, but of her choices. Of which she is accountable, and you are of yours.

"Look how easy she's got it with one child, when I chose to have four" and then resenting her, is just bizarre.

thanktor · 27/02/2022 16:17

“None of us have a crystal ball”

But surely you see how life is going after the first, then second, then third child?

InTheNightWeWillWish · 27/02/2022 16:18

You sound like my friend OP. Nobody can ever be as tired as her, nobody as stressed, her partner is the worst, her family is the most unsupportive. Yes, she does have a lot on but it doesn’t invalidate what other people are feeling or experiencing. She can be stressed about uni work without it invalidating your stress with family life and vice versa. You might think you aren’t showing this to your friend but you probably are. I notice with my friend no I’m really struggling with the friendship as a result. I’m distancing myself from my friend because I’m so fed up of her invalidating my experiences because it doesn’t match hers. I couldn’t complain that I was tired when I was working full time, commuting 5hrs a day and doing a masters because she had a kid and kids are the most exhausting things ever. I have a 3 month old baby - I was still more exhausted when I was doing my masters. Adjust your attitude and try to work on your own life before you lose the friendship.

BuyDirt · 27/02/2022 16:19

I read just the other day a parenting expert - maybe Gabor Maté – saying show me a child who is 'mature; for their age and I'll show you a depressed adult. Children should be allowed to be children, not accelerated mini adult companions to a lone parent. A child who is always good is a child on high alert for her parent's happiness and fragility.

🤔 It depends what you mean. People always described my daughter as mature because she didn’t misbehave. Being allowed to be a child doesn’t have to mean being naughty. And when kids aren’t naughty, they tend to get described as mature. She still throws herself into activities that she likes and has fun but she doesn’t behave like a dickhead. Nothing wrong with that. I don’t know whether she’ll suffer from depression when she’s an adult, depression is a complex issue. I hope not. But it won’t be because we’ve made her be ‘mature’, it’s just the way she is.

My son was certainly more ‘wild’ as a child. But by 12/13 he was more settled, again he liked to have his fun but he respected boundaries and didn’t act like a dickhead so people tended to say he’s ‘mature’. He’s an adult, no signs of depression yet but who knows what the future holds.

Branleuse · 27/02/2022 16:19

Of course its easier being a mum to one kid. Surely you realised that it got more intense the more kids that arrived?

I have three, so I have to really make time to spend with each of them alone.
As they all get older youll have your time with them. There are downsides to only having one child too

Chestofdraws · 27/02/2022 16:20

I do think it’s a fair point thay parents lead by example. If the parents are bickering every day and one parent always screaming it’s very unrealistic to expect the children to behave differently.

I also think you sound very unhappy op. This isn’t about your friend, it’s about the fact it holds a mirror up to your own life and your own unhappiness.

Bellyups · 27/02/2022 16:20

YABU.
What did you expect by having 4 children Confused

Pegasussnail · 27/02/2022 16:21

It's her outlook:
that's what it is..

She could easily moan she had no partner. Her daughter has no siblings.
She chooses happy

dottydodah · 27/02/2022 16:24

AssociatePeggy I dont know about the younger one ,but this was a study I read some while ago .Sorry no link .Giving examples think JF Kennedy and his 3 brothers of a similar age. No guarantees obv ! I

DrGoogleSaysSo · 27/02/2022 16:24

My dd never gave me any bother until she turned 10/11 years old. Her pre-teen years have been a complete nightmare. Love her to bits but she's really pushing my buttons.

Beneficentbovine88 · 27/02/2022 16:24

I haven't read the entire thread so apologies if I am repeating what others have said but I think there will be phases of life when you envy your bf and her daughter, like now, and phases of time when she will find things harder perhaps, such as when her daughter is a teenager and perhaps wants to distance herself from such an intense relationship, and then leaves home? (She may not of course, I am just citing this as a possibility. It depends so much on the individuals involved

Time moves on and circumstances change so try to remember that this is just a temporary phase op Flowers

Also, in addition to the number of dc, I do think whether you have girls or boys , or a mix, makes a massive difference to the dynamics of a household. This will not be true of all households with sons, but my sister lives her husband and two young adult sons, and I know she feels quite lonely among them at times, but she has deliberately gone out and developed good female friendships to make up for this. She did this by joining a choir and a female only swimming club.

Associatepeggy · 27/02/2022 16:24

@woody87

I have two boys and I'm pregnant with twins although I don't know the sex of the babies yet I'm hoping for another two boys. I know how difficult things are going to be but I also know how amazing it will be as well.

Also very much agree with previous posters, it's not healthy to treat children as your friend, especially a child of that age. They grow up far too quickly and have this strange way of talking, almost like a mini adult. We have friends who have only children (boys and girls) and they have a strange manner which in my opinion is from spending too much time in adult company and not being allowed to enjoy childhood.

Plus teenage girls are a nightmare. Fuck that

What the actual fuck?

Only children are strange?

How many teenagers boys or girls have you raised?

Rustylee681 · 27/02/2022 16:24

Why are some people questioning why this person decided to have four kids? It's not like she can give them away, they're here and that's it! try and put some positive suggestions as to how she can make things better for herself and family now, there's obviously unhappiness here, she needs help not judgment 🙄

empireemmy · 27/02/2022 16:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the poster.

BobLep0nge · 27/02/2022 16:25

We have friends who have only children (boys and girls) and they have a strange manner which in my opinion is from spending too much time in adult company and not being allowed to enjoy childhood

You make them sound like children of the corn.

Associatepeggy · 27/02/2022 16:26

@dottydodah

AssociatePeggy I dont know about the younger one ,but this was a study I read some while ago .Sorry no link .Giving examples think JF Kennedy and his 3 brothers of a similar age. No guarantees obv ! I
I am not sure op would want her sons to be Kennedys. I am also sure their father, his money and his influence helped any success they had.

And also not sure I would call them successful on the whole.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/02/2022 16:26

@Rustylee681

Why are some people questioning why this person decided to have four kids? It's not like she can give them away, they're here and that's it! try and put some positive suggestions as to how she can make things better for herself and family now, there's obviously unhappiness here, she needs help not judgment 🙄
Perhaps remembering why she CHOSE this life will help her get some clarity on what she wants to change. She can't give the kids back but if she's unhappy in her marriage she can look to leave and it's perfectly OK to say he needs to do 50% not Disney Dad in once a month.
Chikapu · 27/02/2022 16:26

@ImWearingReallyJudgyPants

OP, if I were you, I'd feel sorry for her, only having one child. I'd also feel sorry for the child, having nobody but her mum in the house. If I could choose either life, I'd choose yours any day.
Those pants really are judgy and full of shit.
arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2022 16:27

@woody87
Mine aren't a nightmare, they're wonderful. Sorry about that 😂

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