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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

529 replies

woodenstuck · 27/02/2022 14:29

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

OP posts:
NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 27/02/2022 15:57

You seem to be unhappy with your life - your post actually makes me quite angry

Concentrate on that rather than being green with envy

Yes she might like the setup she has but being a single parent is very difficult - it requires you to be two people at once sometimes

I feel sorry for you that you can’t see what you have

Gynaesaur · 27/02/2022 15:58

Never compare, but especially never compare unlike situations. I read just the other day a parenting expert - maybe Gabor Maté – saying show me a child who is 'mature; for their age and I'll show you a depressed adult. Children should be allowed to be children, not accelerated mini adult companions to a lone parent. A child who is always good is a child on high alert for her parent's happiness and fragility.

Or they're a happy, well behaved child?

Rainbowshit · 27/02/2022 15:58

Ok you have a 2 year old plus a full time job and three other kids. That sounds really hard. Young kids are hard. Whereas your friend's child is reaching the stage where they are easier to deal with. You will get there too.

I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between. what things do you have to do? Can these be deprioritised so you can try and spend some quality time with your kids? If it's housework can you get a cleaner?

Can you reduce your days at work?

WonderfulYou · 27/02/2022 16:00

I imagine this is what's behind your feelings, not your friend making her own family choices.

If your kids are living with screaming/bickering parents, they're hardly likely to grow up as calm individuals.

Absolutely this!!

She has a calm household as she’s not screaming and bickering with her partner.

Of course all siblings fight but if that’s the behaviour they’re exposed to then that’s how they’re going to act.

Lovemusic33 · 27/02/2022 16:03

I’m a single parent to 2 teen girls, it’s not easy but I don’t feel jealousy towards those who have partners, I prefer being single and I have a great relationship with both my DD’s. I do often wonder what it would be like to have DS’s and I suspect things would be a lot different.

I think we often want what others have got but really we should be lucky for what we have.

stayathomer · 27/02/2022 16:05

You have 2 polar polar opposite situations. Comparison really is the thief of joy and neither you, nor your kids, nor your dh need it. They are who they are and will go their own paths in life. Op I have 4 boys too, and I guess that what you want is a bit of quiet but I'm really sorry, you don't have the family for that. And that's a good thing. She's good with quiet, you need to get on board with a bit of chaos. I'm just in from a game of football with the kids, ten years ago I'd never touched a football. Tonight we'll watch a movie I'd never have seen if I hadn't had kids and we'll do it with cake. When they go to bed I'll get the peace. Try and embrace your life like your friend has hers

lockdownalli · 27/02/2022 16:06

I am also confused by this OP.

If you wanted a calm serene home life, why did you choose to have four children?

Associatepeggy · 27/02/2022 16:06

The fact that op chose to have 4 kids, is very relevant.

Its much harder to vet yourself out of a hole when you didn't make the choices to be there.

When op had 3 and (I presume) time to spend one on one and the chose to have another, she must have had a plan how her and dh were going to continue having time for the older 3. She can do that.

She chose to have 4 kids with her dh so they must get on and he must have good points. So she can chose to speak to him and work together on getting back to that.

She can remember that she wanted 4 children, sometimes we forget that and forget to count our blessings.just reminding ourselves that we may find something hard but it's, ultimately, what we wanted can make us view things in a different way.

Rustylee681 · 27/02/2022 16:07

First of all 4 kids compared to one is not a fair comparison, obviously having more kids can me more stressful, God get days when I stressed with just two.
I would say rather than be resentful or jealous towards your friend be inspired. Don't waste energy being jealous but think about what you can do to improve your own life and the life of your kids. It can be hard being a full time mum but there's 24 hours in the day, is there anywhere you could jiggle a few tasks to allow for quality time with your family? Doesn't have to be anything too complicated, not sure how old your kids are? I used to arrange movie nights with my boys, popcorn machine and some other nibbles and spending time together.
Now they're older and I'm a single parent I still try and make special dates, they roll their eyes at me because it's time away from the xbox, but they appreciate the effort in the end.
Have a family meeting ask tell everyone you notice you don't spend enough time together and ask what they'd like to do? , either way don't doubt yourself, negative emotions lead to negative behaviors, I wish you all the best. 😊

strawberryapricotpie · 27/02/2022 16:07

@lockdownalli

I am also confused by this OP.

If you wanted a calm serene home life, why did you choose to have four children?

None of us have a crystal ball.
FinallyHere · 27/02/2022 16:07

Boys are known to be more boisterous

Ridiculous generalisation.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/02/2022 16:08

@woodenstuck are you still there?

If I was you I'd make a list of the things of your friends like you envy. And then what you can do to change it.

121 time -, even if it's half a day each for one child, MAKE time. So wk1 you get half day with Adam and Dad gets half day with Barry. Wk 2 month you get half a day with Carl and he gets half day with Danny. Week 3, you get half day with Barry and he gets half day with Adam. Week 4, you get half day With Danny and he gets half day with Carl.

Calm house - look at how your relationship is. Do you want to be married to him? Do you need more date time? Can the older ones babysit or can you book a random week day off when the kids are all in nursery /, school to spend together? Look for advice on parenting and CHANGE how you react.

With the cost of childcare and wrap around care, could you afford to drop a few hours for a few years without any financial difference?

lockdownalli · 27/02/2022 16:08

None of us have a crystal ball.

You surely don't need a crystal ball to know that a household with one child will usually be far calmer and quieter than a household with four children in it Grin

BobbinHood · 27/02/2022 16:09

You don’t need a crystal ball to know that a house with 4 children is going to be nosier/busier/louder/more shouting than a house with one. Isn’t that one of the reason people have 4, because they’re of the “only is lonely” view that some posters on here seem to share?

BeReet · 27/02/2022 16:10

I have a husband, 4 kids aged 11-17 and my house is chaotic - noisy, messy etc but tbh I like it that way. I chose to have them and I knew it would be a madhouse. Nearly all my friends also have 4 or more so we all understand what it is like.

I do, however, sometimes have a longing for a quieter, more peaceful life, normally when the kids are on one so I can see how the OP might feel how she does. For me that feeling is very fleeting though as I am happy with my life choices. Only OP can decide if she is too, and, if not, make changes to the atmosphere at home.

MrsMingech · 27/02/2022 16:10

OP I get you. And in my experience you're right.

I've been your friend and I am now the same as you.

I have large age gaps between all my children and there were a good few years when it was just me and the oldest DC and I was at uni.
It was really, really lovely. We had a very connected and close relationship beyond one I was able to form as tightly with the other children as life was just much busier.

Now we're both full time and life is so crazy busy I barely know what month it is. And I sometimes think back to the days where our world was far smaller.

I think what you are saying about your friend is correct, it's very different and clearly serene. And for good reason.

One child is always significantly easier than 4!

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 27/02/2022 16:10

Whilst none of us have a Crystal ball, it's hardly rocket science to know that a serene home life and four children doesn't really exist.

ldontWanna · 27/02/2022 16:10

@strawberryapricotpie no one needs a crystal ball to know that 4 kids , even the most placid,happy go lucky,quiet ones will make for a fairly busy ,stressful and noisy environment.

Just juggling all their needs is a lot even if it's done in complete silence.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/02/2022 16:11

If you wanted a calm serene home life, why did you choose to have four children?

None of us have a crystal ball.

I think having had two op didn't need a crystal ball to understand that adding kids wouldn't make life more peaceful and serene. No mother of two says "I know what would add tranquility, more kids!!"

I do think it's important to remember why you chose to have four kids tho op, presumably you wanted it at least three years sgo

MangshorJhol · 27/02/2022 16:11

I think it’s interesting that OP has only answered those questions about her friend’s life (aka anyone saying it may not be perfect) but not those questions about why she perhaps wanted a big family or what has led to the shouting and bickering.

That’s the OP’s prerogative but it’s easier to look at someone else and be jealous than to introspect into one’s choices.

Also all the comments about the 8 year old growing up to be horrible or only children being unhappy etc are all projections and not helpful. Maybe the OP’s friend’s life IS wonderful and will always be wonderful. That doesn’t mean the OP’s life can’t be. Familial happiness is not a zero sum game.

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 27/02/2022 16:12

@festivebitches

Who needs enemies with friends like you.
OP's just venting in what's supposed to be a supportive place, give her a break!

@woodenstuck, have you got anywhere in your house you could turn into a girly space just for you? Decorate with flowery wallpaper and lots of pink, or whatever makes you happy. Doesn't matter if it's small, pop in a comfy chair, side table, good reading light and a small tv, and you escape for a bit of peace and quiet. Put a notice on the door: Keep out, quiet zone, no raised voices allowed.

Or maybe a shed / garden room, if there's not even an understairs cupboard available in the house. I'd suggest your bedroom, but that's DH's space too. But seriously, think about it and see what you can come up with, sounds like you just need somewhere to get away from the boys for a while and it's not always convenient to have to leave the house.

Easier to appreciate what you've got from a distance sometimes..

FinallyHere · 27/02/2022 16:12

'm screaming my head off everyday. Me and my husband bicker everyday

This might be a good place to start, to be the chance you want to see.

C152 · 27/02/2022 16:12

@spacehardware

Console yourself that in Gilmore Girls Rory grew up to be an aimless drifter after spending her life being golden child of Stars Hollow.
That made me laugh out loud!!
FinallyHere · 27/02/2022 16:13

Change. Change, not chance.

Be the change you want

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 27/02/2022 16:13

But you chose to have four dc! So obviously your house will be noisier and there will be more arguments...

But I can see why you envy your friend. Maybe she envies you too!