To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

[woodenstuck]

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Escargooooooo

I'm not being obtuse.

An 18 year old making chit chat being friendly with a colleague isn't an exception.

It's much more likely than them being thoughtless and unkind or worthy of someone being annoyed with them, which is what you implied when you said her saying that made you think 'oh shut the fuck up'...[/quote]
You've added quite the narrative there.

It wasn't friendly chit chat. I mean, she wasn't trying to be rude, but the girl absolutely was likening the fact she hadn't had a shot of caffeine, once, to a woman who was 9 months sleep deprived.

@Katie2017 please point out which part of my post (apart from categorically stating that I don't resent guinea pig lady) you've had trouble with, in order to think the opposite. Then I can help you understand it better (than literally stating something, which evidently confuses you)

[quote Katie2017]@youvegottenminuteslynn yeh exactly this. Why are we supposed to feel sorry for people who choose to have so many kids or 3 kids one after the other? Do they want a medal or something? It's not really anyone else's fault they are so tired is it.[/quote]
I didn't plan my third one, he's not my fault, I'd like a medal made out of chocolate and a mocha.

@SleepingStandingUp

Our DTwins were a surprise too. Meaning our intention of 1 to 2DC (with a ten year age gap between them) turned into DC1, with a ten year age gap to DC2....and then a 46 second age gap to DC3.

Chocolate and a mocha is a good choice. I'd just like my medal made out of a wipe clean material, before it just becomes another damn thing in this house covered in sticky toddler handprints

I was one of five and loved it. But one DSis said she always felt she didn't get enough 121 attention from our mother. All families and all children are different. This particular Mum and daughter may have a great relationship now, but who's to say it won't be a struggle when teenage hormones kick in?

I have a DS and a DD, now early teens. DD was always very easy, DS less so, especially as a belligerent 2,3,4 year old. Everyone said - wait until they're in their teens, it will be the other way round! Luckily they have both been great so far, but who knows. All children are different and all stages of growing up are different. 4 boys was never going to be a peaceful option, but I bet you wouldn't change them for the world. Enjoy them before they've grown up and gone........

Your friend sounds like she has a lovely life and relationship with her daughter. I suppose it's just a very different life to yours and it's not going to be calm for a while.Try to find joy in your own situation.

4.5 year gap as DS was medically frigging hard work for the first few years and then a 4 minute gap because apparently I can't have a simple "baby" experience followed by the frigging pandemic. I'm guessing your twins are similar ages as you mention reins and sticky fingers

@Escargooooooo

You've added quite the narrative there.

I mean I've literally just not assumed the worst of an 18 year old chatting to a work colleague.

Life's nicer when you don't assume the worst of people, especially in situations that don't directly affect you and are pretty run of the mill interactions.

Try it

Women who choose to have large families then moan at the stress of it! They don't stay babies forever you know! You must have expected a mad house having 4 bloody kids vs someone with 1!

@SleepingStandingUp

4.5 year gap as DS was medically frigging hard work for the first few years and then a 4 minute gap because apparently I can't have a simple "baby" experience followed by the frigging pandemic. I'm guessing your twins are similar ages as you mention reins and sticky fingers

I didn't plan my third one, he's not my fault, I'd like a medal made out of chocolate and a mocha.

I think a gap of a few years is pretty sensible! Obviously twins is not something anyone can plan for. I was replying to @Escargooooooo
who said a lady at the office had just had 3 under 3 and come back after her last child so that was clearly planned, am not surprised she was tired. Don't think we should have to walk around on eggshells though afraid of ever speaking because no one can ever be as tired as the mommy martyrs.

You also sound like a miserable cow OP and I pity your boys, who you quite obviously are now regretting having such a large family. Get a grip!

@Katie2017 I still want my chocolate medal.

I think there's not walking on egg shells and then not making stupid comments. I wouldn't consider the 18 ysar olds as stupid BTW, but like the hamster ones, people really can spout nonsense. Sometimes it's OK to just not say anything.

I think also, there's an element (which is only natural) of "oooooh, shut the fuck up".

That cuts both ways. I often internally roll my eyes when my friend who has chosen to have fucking loads of children starts up yet again about how it’s all so hard, we don’t know what it’s like, we don’t know what tiredness means - yeah I knew exactly what 3 under 3 would be like and that’s one of the reasons why I have an only child.

And I do agree, even as a mother of toddler twins who don't sleep through, that motherhood is not the obligation thing that makes you tired. Plenty of people are carers for adults, have their own health worries, work worked, money worries they cause sleeplessness from anxiety, insomnia. At least I can hold tight to the avoiding hole that at some point their stop bloody waking up in the night just to scream at me because they want to be asleep. At 10 weeks old though I'd have buried you under the patio

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Escargooooooo

You've added quite the narrative there.

I mean I've literally just not assumed the worst of an 18 year old chatting to a work colleague.

Life's nicer when you don't assume the worst of people, especially in situations that don't directly affect you and are pretty run of the mill interactions.

Try it [/quote]
Or, maybe try and not make out that you know the circumstances of a scenario you have no knowledge of, better than the person who was there.

Can make you look a bit self inflated otherwise.

Try it

@SleepingStandingUp yeh maybe she didn't go about it the best way, but this was a stranger in the park she was probably just striking up conversation and making a silly comment. Honestly she really should not have bothered though clearly!
@Escargooooooo I think it was you using the term "sitting on her arse on the bench" and wishing she'd "shut the fuck up" that made it sound quite resentful...

[quote Katie2017]@SleepingStandingUp yeh maybe she didn't go about it the best way, but this was a stranger in the park she was probably just striking up conversation and making a silly comment. Honestly she really should not have bothered though clearly!
@Escargooooooo I think it was you using the term "sitting on her arse on the bench" and wishing she'd "shut the fuck up" that made it sound quite resentful...[/quote]
Indeed re @Escargooooooo

Words dripping with resentment about a stranger and yet preaching not to judge others if you don't know them. Very odd.

Got a friend with 3 boys who l know felt guilty when she got pg with number 3 because l had just been told l couldn't have number 2.
Fast forward a few years and now she said all she feels is envy at my chilled out and calm life with my dd.
She doesn't have to deal with the mood swings though!!
Grass is always greener cos l would love 3 kids but we should be grateful for what we have got lguess.

probably just striking up conversation and making a silly comment as a mother of a disabled child and then twins sometimes people need to engage their brain instead of passing off stupid comments as "I was just being friendly!"
I've had people ask me, in horrified tones, what is WRONG with my child, all because he'd got a few tunes in his face. People literally telling me how much they pity him. People telling me they'd have killed themselves if they'd had twins. And more.
Sorry, massive derail but "I was just being friendly" is not an excuse for comments here you didn't bother to engage your brain for three seconds before talking

Dripping with resentment

Do you generally struggle with the English language?

Finding someone idiotic doesn't make you resent them. Much as I don't resent you.

I have neither the patience, nor the Crayola to explain in any simpler terms...

@SleepingStandingUp

probably just striking up conversation and making a silly comment as a mother of a disabled child and then twins sometimes people need to engage their brain instead of passing off stupid comments as "I was just being friendly!" I've had people ask me, in horrified tones, what is WRONG with my child, all because he'd got a few tunes in his face. People literally telling me how much they pity him. People telling me they'd have killed themselves if they'd had twins. And more. Sorry, massive derail but "I was just being friendly" is not an excuse for comments here you didn't bother to engage your brain for three seconds before talking

@SleepingStandingUp Really sorry you've had such comments, not sure how they could say they are "just being friendly" after saying things like that, don't really understand tbh sounds anything but friendly! I don't think that's comparable to guinea pig lady or 18 year old in office though surely?

@BuyDirt

I read just the other day a parenting expert - maybe Gabor Maté – saying show me a child who is 'mature; for their age and I'll show you a depressed adult. Children should be allowed to be children, not accelerated mini adult companions to a lone parent. A child who is always good is a child on high alert for her parent's happiness and fragility.

🤔 It depends what you mean. People always described my daughter as mature because she didn’t misbehave. Being allowed to be a child doesn’t have to mean being naughty. And when kids aren’t naughty, they tend to get described as mature. She still throws herself into activities that she likes and has fun but she doesn’t behave like a dickhead. Nothing wrong with that. I don’t know whether she’ll suffer from depression when she’s an adult, depression is a complex issue. I hope not. But it won’t be because we’ve made her be ‘mature’, it’s just the way she is.

My son was certainly more ‘wild’ as a child. But by 12/13 he was more settled, again he liked to have his fun but he respected boundaries and didn’t act like a dickhead so people tended to say he’s ‘mature’. He’s an adult, no signs of depression yet but who knows what the future holds.

@BuyDirt I've noticed too that a lot of parents in the UK act as if good mannered, well behaved children are abnormal. It's very strange thinking. All children have naughty periods but it's a key part of parenting that you teach them boundaries and how to be kind, considerate humans. Otherwise you're failing as a parent. No wonder so many such kids turn into nightmare teens and/or unkind men who don't respect women or people in authority. It's endemic nowadays.

It's probably a big contributing factor as to why @woodenstuck is so stressed and shouting all the time. Yes, the reality is that you'll end up having to shout at some point when you have 4 kids, but unless they have special needs(in which case you shouldn't be shouting!) having to do so each day means there's most likely a fundamental problem with lack of proper discipline.

If a child respects your authority as an adult, and has experienced proper consequences to bad behaviour, there's absolutely no way you'll need to be shouting at them all the time. It would only need to be an occasional thing at most.

I'm not sure what you are jealous about? If anything I'd pitty her, still at uni, no partner and an only child, sounds sad. The only thing I can think you might want that she has is a daughter? I have 3 young children (1 girl) and I'm married, I love the chaos, the noise, everything that goes with 3 children. I imagine having no adult company and the child no other children to play with must be a lonely existence for them both, I'm sure they make the best of a bad situation so what you see seems appealing.

@NoSleepNoSleep

I'm not sure what you are jealous about? If anything I'd pitty her, still at uni, no partner and an only child, sounds sad. The only thing I can think you might want that she has is a daughter? I have 3 young children (1 girl) and I'm married, I love the chaos, the noise, everything that goes with 3 children. I imagine having no adult company and the child no other children to play with must be a lonely existence for them both, I'm sure they make the best of a bad situation so what you see seems appealing.

What is actually wrong with people.

I have 2 children and a partner. But fuck me, people really don't like the thought that this woman, could actually be happy?

What's wrong with being single, have one child, going to uni as an adult etc?

Only children, are not by default lonely. What fucking weird take people have that anyone with a different life to them must be pittied and must secret be unhappy.

Personally, me and my kids couldn't think of anything worse than a chaotic household. It's why they don't really see their dad. There's 4 kids living their without them included. They hate it. 2 of my cousins absolutely hated being one of 4. But I still don't think that all kids in households of 3 + children must be miserable.

@NoSleepNoSleep
She's jealous that her friend is happy and she's not.
Once again for those at the back - people living in situations other than your own can actually be happy. Who'd have thought it.

The deeply sad thing for the many many posters on this thread who cannot imagine that it's possible to be happy without a spouse and umpteen children - this is what leads to the daily threads on mumsnet where women describe deeply horrible arseholes of husbands and relationships, but it doesn't seem to have occurred to them that they don't have to stay. That other options are actually available!