To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

[woodenstuck]

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

@cptartapp

I have boys. Me aside, the two most important things in their lives are their father and their sibling. Her DD (presumably) has neither. There's time yet for any hidden anger or feelings of abandonment to rear it's head. Statistically, and long term, I'd rather be you anyday.

Let's hope so, hey? That'll teach them to be happy now.

Why do some people seem to think that only the exact same situation as themselves can possibly bring happiness, and even worse than that, seem to take pleasure that other people can't possibly be as happy as they are. So strange.

@cptartapp

I have boys. Me aside, the two most important things in their lives are their father and their sibling. Her DD (presumably) has neither. There's time yet for any hidden anger or feelings of abandonment to rear it's head. Statistically, and long term, I'd rather be you anyday.

Reallly, why are people so desperate to tear down this woman nine of us know for the sin of having one child and being happy. She has a Dad, she may well have half siblings in time. Grand parents. Cousins. Friends that feel like family. It might just be their tiny family unit and she might feel incredibly secure. Op doesn't need her friend to be unhappy or for her trends kid to be unhappy in order to find her own happiness.

Your friends relationship is a mirror of my relationship with my daughter. I don't laugh with anyone else the way I laugh with her, she's 11. It's very chilled and we do everything together. BUT on the flip side, it can be boring just having the pair of us in the same company at times, I have enormous guilt that she may always be a only child and would love to have 4 kids like yourself. It won't always be "perfect" for them, they will argue and get on each others nerves.

Don't be jealous she might be jealous of your relationship with your kids and wish she has more than one child.

It's kind of funny how it seems to have only just occurred to the OP that there are benefits to only having one child, and being single, and as if it's super surprising that someone could be a single parent of an only child and also be happy...

I think it would be unusual for someone to post saying am I being unreasonable for being jealous of my friend with her husband and multiple children (when they are a single parent of 1) as it's so ingrained and assumed in society that having a partner and children is the ideal lifestyle and the only way to be happy

@JellyOnAPlatewithicecream

It's kind of funny how it seems to have only just occurred to the OP that there are benefits to only having one child, and being single, and as if it's super surprising that someone could be a single parent of an only child and also be happy...

I think it needs to be shouted from the rooftops that, for many of us (I get not all) being single is absolutely blooming marvellous. It is totally underrated. So so many poor women (and possibly men) languishing in miserable relationships not realising that it's utterly fine (more than fine) to be single.

@cptartapp

I have boys. Me aside, the two most important things in their lives are their father and their sibling. Her DD (presumably) has neither. There's time yet for any hidden anger or feelings of abandonment to rear it's head. Statistically, and long term, I'd rather be you anyday.

I think I’d rather be anyone than the person who needs this badly to attack someone else’s choices in order to feel better about their own.

Yeah, it’s ok to be envious. It sounds lovely, I’m envious and I’m a single parent of a single daughter (but we don’t have that kind of relationship)

It’s not ok to think she doesn’t have stress, though. Being a single parent is super hard. I parent totally alone, and generally I love it. But it’s ALL you ALL the time. There’s no sharing the emotional load, even a little, let alone the practical. My capacity to deal with ordinary shit is reduced, because I am already filling two roles by myself, so small things can be bigger stressors, because even the everyday is close to capacity.

You have other people to fill roles for your boys that she doesn’t. She has to be mum, dad and siblings. It’s incredibly hard to do, and you don’t get much downtime.

I have boys. Me aside, the two most important things in their lives are their father and their sibling. Her DD (presumably) has neither.
There's time yet for any hidden anger or feelings of abandonment to rear it's head. Statistically, and long term, I'd rather be you anyday.

And there’s time yet for your children to hate and resent each other and/or their parents and for you and your DH to have an acrimonious split, so what’s your point?

@woodenstuck

She seems to always get awards in school, her report card and parents evening is always perfect. My boys never get awards, and there's always something negative in report cards and parents evenings. It just makes me think I'm doing something terribly wrong.

@woodenstuck can you or your husband not work part time and dedicate more hands on time with your boys? It'll probably mean having to make financial sacrifices but what's more important?

Your situation is of your making as you've chosen to have both parents working full time while with 4 kids. You/your husband have the power to change things.

Also comparison is the thief of joy.

4 kids and working FT is hard work, I am in same position as you and weekends are spent chasing my tail catching up with chores.Quality one to one time is hard to come by, perhaps small moments every now and then but rarely a whole afternoon.
Tbh you don't know everything about your friends life it may look idyllic but it might not be the whole picture , she maybe beholden to her parents for financial support , be sad she has only one child and a bit lonely she has no partner to talk to and share things with at the end of the day.
Anyway comparison is the thief of joy and all that although I really do get that you are run ragged and probably want your own cosy retreat to read a book in!

I get where you’re coming from, but she might be secretly jealous of the fact that you have a career, a husband, and a noisy and lively household with 4 children to keep each other company.

@woodenstuck also don't let anyone persuade you to feel you've done wrong with having 4 kids , it's a beautiful blessing (I'm one of 4 myself!) You're just at the hardest stage right now.

To be honest I wouldn't be working or be only working part time if I had kids. These are precious years and I wouldn't want to spend it running around like a headless chicken. I'd also want to make sure I keep nurturing my marriage and making time for us as a couple as it's so easy for this to slip and then lead to acrimony or even divorce down the line when it's easily solved by prioritising marriage and family.

Current society tries to tell us men and women that our jobs/careers should be gods. It's a lie. You can always work full time again when kids are older. Family is the most important. No one lies on their deathbed wishing they spent more time in the office .

I think also, there's an element (which is only natural) of "oooooh, shut the fuck up".

I mean this in the sense of when I was working in an office, and a woman who had just returned from maternity leave, having just had her third child (three under three) yawned at her desk.

The peppy 18yr old office junior pipes up "oh, I know, I didn't get my coffee this morning, I'm dead on my feet too".

Yes, I'm sure technically the young girl was tired in her own mind. In the same way Paris Hilton has "stress" over deciding which shoes to match with her bag.

OP, I do get that. I was out with DTwins the other day, slipping their reins and running in different directions at the park towards roads, and I nearly exploded a lung catching them both. And a very helpful woman, sat on her arse on a bench, declared "I was just the same when the guinea pig wouldn't get in his hutch this morning". She was absolutely serious.

Yes. That's the same as sprinting until you can't breathe as both your children are running towards a road.

However, I don't resent the guinea pig lady. She, as did the office junior, got an internal "ooooh, shut the fuck up", because they must be pretty clueless to make such comments.

Yes, I'm sure technically the young girl was tired in her own mind.

Personally, I got more sleep with babies than I did as an 18 year old. Between Uni, working and going out, I rarely got more than a couple of hours. I was permanently shattered. The only difference was that I had a choice on the two nights I went out partying, I could have gone to sleep early, but lectures and working into the small hours 5 days a week to pay the bills, I had no choice over.

Could have put money on the next comment saying that

@Escargooooooo

Maybe the 18 year old was more tired than she has personally been before? She can't be expected to not say something totally inoffensive just because a colleague has chosen to have kids and has experienced life likely more tiring.

Maybe the 18 year old was simply engaging in chit chat and trying to strike up conversation with a colleague? Who then maybe reacted like you presumably would have, in a judgey and snarky way as if she did something wrong.

Maybe she was just being friendly and nice.

This is such an example of where it's really tough as someone who is child free, whether through choice or not, because nothing you experience seems to be viewed as as valid or as tough as parenthood - which is a choice.

It's all a bit 'you never know love until you have a child' etc. A needless hurtful dig to people who don't have kids whether through choice or circumstance. Patronising and tbh quite smug.

Not really.

People know exactly what I mean. Some just have to be obtuse. Exceptions don't make the rule.

Riverlee
Well done for being the first to spout only child aspersions and myths. I think you've covered them all - selfish, lonley, spoilt and oh yes of course - they can't share. Bravo 👏

@youvegottenminuteslynn yeh exactly this. Why are we supposed to feel sorry for people who choose to have so many kids or 3 kids one after the other? Do they want a medal or something? It's not really anyone else's fault they are so tired is it.

@Escargooooooo

I'm not being obtuse.

An 18 year old making chit chat being friendly with a colleague isn't an exception.

It's much more likely than them being thoughtless and unkind or worthy of someone being annoyed with them, which is what you implied when you said her saying that made you think 'oh shut the fuck up'...

@Escargooooooo no you really do sound like you resent guinea pig lady!

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Escargooooooo

I'm not being obtuse.

An 18 year old making chit chat being friendly with a colleague isn't an exception.

It's much more likely than them being thoughtless and unkind or worthy of someone being annoyed with them, which is what you implied when you said her saying that made you think 'oh shut the fuck up'...[/quote]
However, I don't resent the guinea pig lady. She, as did the office junior, got an internal "ooooh, shut the fuck up", because they must be pretty clueless to make such comments.

Here for example, you imply it's something they were wrong or ignorant to say. Which is pretty clueless in itself to be honest.

I know people with new babies are likely to get less sleep than me. I also know that nice people with new babies don't expect other people to not be able to say they're tired at any point in, well what's the rule - am I allowed to say I'm exhausted after the baby turns 1 or should I never mention I'm tired in conversation with a colleague or mate who is a parent?