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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

529 replies

woodenstuck · 27/02/2022 14:29

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

OP posts:
FartNRoses · 27/02/2022 19:27

OP, think about all your future Christmases!
Massive family around the table, hopefully lots of grandchildren you can dote on. Life for you will never get lonely or boring.
Sure it’s hard now but that’s because it takes time and energy to make these children into splendid adults!

Doratheexploret · 27/02/2022 19:33

The grass is always greener. Someone always has it tougher! My eldest is disabled. Life is hard for him and us. It 24/7, 365 days full on But I thank my lucky stars that he’s healthy. I have friends whose children won’t make adulthood . You san belittle someone else because you think your life is harder than hers.

TrendingNowt · 27/02/2022 19:33

@Bebeschitt

That 8 year old will be 14 soon. 14 year old girls are vicious.
'Soon'? That's almost double her life. An 8 year old is a little girl, a 14 year old is a teenager. And plenty are not vicious.

It's Gilmore Girls right OP? It was a popular show for a reason. I have 4 children too and get it.
I try to do coffee shop for hot chocolate and cake once a month one-to-one. Not always doable with financial constraints but I try. Maybe you can pencil out a one-to-one trip?

Doratheexploret · 27/02/2022 19:40

@Owieeee

I have three sons and I love it! They are all different and I am close to all of them, v v close..my DH and I are very alone in that we have no external family support but this makes us all even closer, we are are a v close knit family. Look at Parisian agency on Netflix, the family of 4 boys . Of course it isn't always this ideal.. unfortunately I think in western culture these days having boys isn't seen as "good" as having girls. I have no relationship with my mum really, she has never wanted to spend time with me and so I never got that mum and daughter relationship. Also I worked for years with teenagers as a secondary school teacher and the girls in general were a billion times more difficult than they boys. That's just my experience though and could be just a particular age group..
My friend has 3 lovely boys, now they’re all grown up and so handsome. I’d love all boys! I have one girl and she’s absolutely lovely. We get on really well but I think these mother/daughter shopping trips and girly time etc that everyone seems to think exists sometimes don’t !
Autumn42 · 27/02/2022 19:42

Definitely unfair of you to feel resentment towards her. We have a large family and I know it’s hard work and can totally understand it if you sometimes felt like she doesn’t know she’s born but I’d hope you’d recognise your blessings in the scheme of things. Although really your just sadly probably too overwhelmed at the moment. My advice from personal experience is, is it really necessary for you to work full time? I say this in the context of there are plenty of other families with 4 children who manage without both parents working full time and who don’t even high salaries. By moving to a cheaper part of the country , not having regular holidays, expensive days out, latest phone, menu planning etc. Also would it be possible for you to get any kid free time? I’m sure if you had some regular headspace and more time it would help you re energise and possible even reorganise to enable you to enjoy your family. I once read a study which said the better organised a house was and it’s running the less likely siblings squabbled. Although there’s always going to be stressful aspects to having 4 children and the cleaning and cooking and laundry is relentless, it does all eventually get easier. However while your in the here and now though it’s a lot easier to cope if you do get a regular break. Are your boys all at school/pre school so if you did 4 days a week would you get a day off each week you can get some headspace and just focus on getting the housework, planning the weekend, batch cooking etc done?

Lwren · 27/02/2022 19:52

I have boys, they're absolutely wild. I love it! I'm planning to adopt my next child, I'd love a daughter but I'd give my arm for another boy also 🥰 I just love hearing them play or chat, just anything. They're all amazing!
Children are gifts, just enjoy them 💙
Youre a very lucky mum 💖

ImWearingReallyJudgyPants · 27/02/2022 20:08

@Tyrantosaurus He's dead, so he isn't going to be leaving me any time soon!

cptartapp · 27/02/2022 20:23

I have boys. Me aside, the two most important things in their lives are their father and their sibling. Her DD (presumably) has neither.
There's time yet for any hidden anger or feelings of abandonment to rear it's head. Statistically, and long term, I'd rather be you anyday.

herehere22 · 27/02/2022 20:29

Maybe she's jealous of you too OP. She might see you and think how nice to have a DH & such a big family. Where your DC have siblings etc. As someone said .. the grass is always greener on the other side
Just enjoy the life that you have x

BuyDirt · 27/02/2022 20:31

I have boys. Me aside, the two most important things in their lives are their father and their sibling. Her DD (presumably) has neither.
There's time yet for any hidden anger or feelings of abandonment to rear it's head. Statistically, and long term, I'd rather be you anyday.

The dd has a father. Her mum and dad get on well so that ruins your nasty little bitchy post.

What a vile thing to say. There are many lovely only children brought up by single parents. Waiting for something to go wrong to make yourself feel better just means you’re a shitty person. What I would say is children with shitty parents tend to have shitty kids! Nasty little fuckers that love other people’s hard times.

Beachbreak2411 · 27/02/2022 20:32

I’m a single mum of an 11 year old dd. We are super close and our home is pretty and girlie and generally pretty calm. I can read a book on the sofa whilst she chills in her room. I love it! But I am incredibly jealous of proper families. Two parents.. (someone to share the load with!).. siblings.. the chaos and noise of a normal home. Sitting down for family dinners.. with just two of us it always feels a bit lonely!

Sharrowgirl · 27/02/2022 20:34

Did you plan 4 kids from the start OP, or did it happen as you went along? How many siblings in your household growing up?

Chasingaftermidnight · 27/02/2022 20:35

I know lots of people have said the difference is her one child to your four - but I think another big difference is her (currently) not having to work for money vs you having to work FT.

RocketPanda · 27/02/2022 20:36

I have four children, work fulltime, have just finished cancer treatment and my cats are assholes, do I get the Most Entitled To Be Stressed Award?
I'm not stressed though and I've rarely had to raise my voice to my dc over the years. Including through the teen years. My ds was the hardest moodiest drama llama teen, he's calmed down now, my girls were and still are a dream. I don't even bicker with DH much. We are a ND family and all fairly cool calm and collected in our routines. A big family doesn't have to mean shouting and chaos.
Four

LaMagdalena · 27/02/2022 20:37

Some people seem desperate to believe that single mothers with only children live in a vacuum, consumed by loneliness and anger Confused.

VestaTilley · 27/02/2022 20:37

YABU. Being a single Mum must be so hard, and often lonely.

While their relationship may be good now, you have no idea if it’ll be ok when her DD is a teenager, and if your friend is secretly envious of you having 4 sons.

You should be incredibly grateful having four - four! (who can afford that nowadays?!) - healthy sons, a full time job and a husband. Count your blessings.

Katie2017 · 27/02/2022 20:40

@cptartapp

I have boys. Me aside, the two most important things in their lives are their father and their sibling. Her DD (presumably) has neither. There's time yet for any hidden anger or feelings of abandonment to rear it's head. Statistically, and long term, I'd rather be you anyday.
Time also for your boys to end up hating each other-so many siblings don't get on, maybe when they are kids they get on but later on in life there can be lots of fallings out. My two brothers haven't been able to be in the same room as each other for the past 15+ years. I had two best friends at school who were onlies-very well rounded lovely people with lots of friends, never had any hint they wished they had siblings. My mother too was an only child-she said she couldn't imagine ever having to share her parents.
RocketPanda · 27/02/2022 20:41

Apologies, fat fingers.
Four children does not mean that everything is hard. It's as difficult as you make it. If your home is messy then get everyone to join in on a rota of chores. Intiate quiet time. One on one time can be done in an hour a day. Even just listening to them reading or have them fold laundry with you.

burnthur5t · 27/02/2022 20:41

OP, I'd put money on your house being pretty calm and chilled too if you had just the one child compared to what it's like with the four

You can't change now having four but maybe you can change things and not have to shout at the kids? That would make things calmer

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/02/2022 20:48

@cptartapp

I have boys. Me aside, the two most important things in their lives are their father and their sibling. Her DD (presumably) has neither. There's time yet for any hidden anger or feelings of abandonment to rear it's head. Statistically, and long term, I'd rather be you anyday.
What a horrible, horrible post.

Her friend's DD does have a nice and involved dad by the way.

Its vile to read the almost glee some people are exhibiting in making out OP's friend must secretly have a shit life or will have one eventually / that her daughter will have one eventually.

Maybe she's perfectly happy and her daughter will be a nice kid, nice teenager and well adjusted adult.

Her friend being happy doesn't change OP's choice to have four children (which was always going to mean a more chaotic household than one child), so gleefully predicting bad outcomes for her friend is pointless and really odd.

Ginger1982 · 27/02/2022 20:58

@cptartapp

I have boys. Me aside, the two most important things in their lives are their father and their sibling. Her DD (presumably) has neither. There's time yet for any hidden anger or feelings of abandonment to rear it's head. Statistically, and long term, I'd rather be you anyday.
What a horrible post.
Dishwashersaurous · 27/02/2022 21:07

And work on removing shouting

MissAngorian · 27/02/2022 21:07

@cptartapp

I have boys. Me aside, the two most important things in their lives are their father and their sibling. Her DD (presumably) has neither. There's time yet for any hidden anger or feelings of abandonment to rear it's head. Statistically, and long term, I'd rather be you anyday.
Fuck me, what a shitty human you are.
Ted27 · 27/02/2022 21:11

@cptartapp

what a truly horrible post

preseumably there is also time for your perfect family to fall apart as well.
Me aside, the most important people in my son’s life are his grandparents, godparents, cousins and our longstanding friends and their children, his friends, his church
My point being that single parents with only children do not exist is a bubble. I’ve made sure that my son has a wide, solid network to rely on, not just people who happen to be siblings who you may not get on with or have a relationship with in the future.
I have two brothers, one in Australia who I will probably never see again and the other I have no contact with. Having siblings in childhood is no guarantee of anything in adulthood

BFCfairy · 27/02/2022 21:21

@woodenstuck I have 3 dc and we both work.FT. I understand 100% what you mean by not giving your children enough of your time. I have massive guilt over this also. Especially if I compare my middle child a Dd with her bf an only child who is so much more.confident and outgoing and I wonder what I could have done for my.dd differently and what I should do.

Being a mum is tough. Flowers