To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

[woodenstuck]

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

Do you think the only child thing is a red herring. Perhaps what you are actually jealous of is the fact that she's got a girl and you would of loved one and perhaps that's why you've had 4 kids? The ages of your kids and the big age gap from number 3 to number 4 could possibly suggest that you tried one last time and had another boy. Perhaps you are feeling a bit down that you never had a girl? And on top of the you are working full time and looking after 4 boys (no easy task)...

The saying “comparison is the thief of joy” is very apt here. I have 1 DS and he is profoundly autistic with GDD. I’d give anything to have a child who is able to fight with his siblings. Or for him to have siblings at all, but we can’t risk another disabled child. I don’t resent my set up but it would be all too easy for me to feel depressed when comparing my life to yours. But what is to be gained by doing that?

@EveningOverRooftops….I have an only DD. I couldn’t agree with you more!

I'm a single mother to one daughter. I personally don't feel guilty that my DD doesn't have siblings, I don't envy women with partners or husbands, and my daughter and I certainly don't need anyone to feel sorry for us. I don't know whether or not my DD will be a nightmare when she's 14, but if she is, I won't put that down to a misogynistic trope of 'teenage girls are vicious, but boys are so easy!' Urgh.

As for the OP's friend, I don't know how she feels about her life, but I don't get why people need to project their own negativity onto it.

It sounds as though she is happy with her lot. Try and make peace with yours. Mind you I envy her too!

I get you.

I used to be a single parent until ds was 9. I loved being a single parent. I didn't get much help. I had a beautiful home, immaculate in fact some would say. We had fun we chilled etc.
I then met dh had 2 more dcs.
And I wouldn't change them or my life for the world. Even though I feel stressed, house always needs something doing or tidying. But it won't be forever.

I often get ideas for how I want my home and life to be from other people. If her home is calm and cosy and you want a home that is the same, you can totally make your own home like that. You will not get time to read etc with 4 kids but you do get other things instead.

Op I have 2 boys and my god I feel your pain! They bloody live to fight , they enjoy it

I grew up in a very female household

I honestly do not really connect with my boys... it's heart breaking for me now as they are such much older!

I do feel for you ♥️

@Tappetytap

Do you think the only child thing is a red herring. Perhaps what you are actually jealous of is the fact that she's got a girl and you would of loved one and perhaps that's why you've had 4 kids? The ages of your kids and the big age gap from number 3 to number 4 could possibly suggest that you tried one last time and had another boy. Perhaps you are feeling a bit down that you never had a girl? And on top of the you are working full time and looking after 4 boys (no easy task)...

Yeh this. Was about to say the same thing, she sounds jealous her friend got a girl on the first go and all the girly stuff she's missed out on.

I think the pp who say it is the difference between 4 boys vs 1 girl are right. Also that comparison is the thief of joy. I learned that a lot time ago.
Like your friend I’m a totally lone parent to 9year old ds and I feel like we have a good and easy life. We get on and joke and laugh, and he does well in school, and because it’s just the two of us, I can take him on adventures - eg we have just been in Sri Lanka for 3 weeks. Also how he is older and loves going for sleepovers witn his friends, I have my social life back.
But when he was tiny and I was on my own all the time and starting my business, working all hours, god it was hard. I was so lonely. I learned then to just let stuff go, and not to feel guilty about my choices or to be envious of others. And actually when covid hit, the isolation was fine for me as I had already learned to deal with that: the stress of closing my business on the other hand…
Anyway, even if she has a lovely serene life now, she might have had to walk over hot coals to get there.

She has one kid to your four. I have three and it is a heck of a lot easier with one. My choice to have more but I don't regret it. She also has a girl and you have four boys, they are different. I know mumsnet doesn't prescribe to stereotypes but my boy is very much a 'typical' boy, his ideal play is rough and tumble or spending hours making and building stuff. His big sister is different, I value them for who they are but one on one time is usually spent doing very different things. Your friends child doesn't have anyone to bicker with, yours have 3 siblings. It's normal. When you're outnumbered by kids you have to accept that you can't do everything so sometimes they will have to amuse themselves, play, bicker with each other. If anything it teaches them how to take turns and play with others without relying in a parent to entertain them. My sil had an only child for 8 years and would complain she never got a break because he would always want to play with her and he didn't have anyone else to occupy his time. He now has a baby sister and is preoccupied with her.

Yes you work full time and that must be tough with 4 kids but yabu not to make time for family stuff at the weekends. You can't have everything so if you want that quality time without running yourself ragged outsource some stuff. I know it's easier said than done but make a list of what you can afford to outsource and do it. I work part time for the very reason that I can't do it all but we haven't overstretched ourselves mortgage wise and dh earns we'll enough to allow this. I appreciate not everyone is in the same boat! Is your oh an equal partner or are you taking on the lions share despite working full time?

Take a step back from your friend if you need to but don't lose a friendship over it. Overall yabu but you know that. The grass isn't always greener.

Lol. Wait till the dd is a teenager.
I had 3 boys and then 2 girls and a teen daughter was something else!
Moody and mean at times and self centred to the max, lots of friendship dramas and pmt she is jusr turned 20 and we get on better now but I still have dd 11 to get through.
My boys are all adults now and we have a really good fun relationship.

@Bebeschitt

That 8 year old will be 14 soon. 14 year old girls are vicious.

I'm offended! I have 2 teenage DDs. Neither are vicious or nasty in any way.

@XelaM

Err.. as a single mum with a daughter i think you're being ridiculous. Being a single parent is sooooo hard and she is probably feeling extremely guilty that her daughter is growing upnin a quiet house with no siblings

Harsh comment. Not all single parents find it hard. I have a great relationship with my daughter and I was raised an only child by a single mum and we had a great relationship also. I'm not jealous of any of my friends with more kids, a husband etc. I love what I have

@gemloving

First of all, you are a brilliant mum.

She has 1 child, you have 4. I'm not saying it's easy being a single mum but having 4 children is a hell of a lot of work.

Boys are known to be more boisterous and things will settle eventually. How about every other weekend, you take one child out on their own in the morning?

Try to remove your resentment, there is a lot of people without kids who constantly tell us how tired and stressed they are. Everyone has different stress levels and everyone's situation is different. Comparison will always be the thief of joy. In addition, do you know what her little girl is truly happy she has no siblings?

Try to turn it around and see the woman who has undergone 5 IVY cycles to have that one child, still unsuccessful. She would give anything to have what you have but she can't and you wouldn't even see it. She might have that brilliant life on paper, great job, lots of holidays, clean wonderful house but the 2 week wait kills her every week and she resents almost everyone who has children. It doesn't seem fair. We never know what really goes but for her to be stressed about something has nothing to do with you.

Give your friend the respect she deserves because it's not fair

This! ❤️❤️

My friend spent 100k trying to have one child….

You have no control over how your friends home life is like so feeling jealous hurts nobody but yourself.
What you do have control over is your relationship with your husband and boys.
Why not focus on making little changes to your lifestyle that might make you bicker less and give you a chance to do small one on one activities with each of your boys.
They don't have to be super time consuming things either, just as hopping trip, some diy with the older one and so on

What are the things you need to be getting on with at the weekend that you can't spend time with your children?

I understand op. When you're flying round and have multiple boisterous children then looking at a family with one quiet, neat one can provoke a bit of jealousy.

I have 3 boys. Life is mud and wrestling, dodging nerf bullets, trying to make sure the middle one doesn't kill himself by climbing 100ft trees and telling them 30 times a day No. Football. In. The. House. Then loosing my shit when the ball goes through the greenhouse window 🤦🏻‍♀️

It's going to be different to having one quiet girl. But it's busy and wonderful and lovely too.

Horses for courses. You were never going to have a quiet house with 4 children so unless you had quads presumably you wanted a lot of children and the type of life that comes with it.
We are a couple with one child. I didn’t have a second for health reasons but do think looking back an only has been perfect for us, she’s never wanted a sibling.
Focus on positives of yours, presumably you had a vision of how things would be when you decided to have 4 children. Plan some trips for the holidays.

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Were all your children planned? Yes that's a rude question. It sounds like you resent having four kids and that all are boys. You're stuck in a rut of shouty parenting. Sit down and work out what changed you can make to make family life better.

We have one dd, but not by choice. Our life is certainly calmer than our Nct friends. They probably envy us sometimes and I definitely envy them.

I think it's swings and roundabouts, there are pros and cons of both lifestyles. I'm a single parent and I get where you're coming from, I love that me and my little one have such a close bond, and we can be a bit more carefree with our time / do whatever we want / have things in the house how we want etc as we're not having to negotiate with anyone else. And just having one means the place isn't so hectic and is easier to go on spontaneous days out and things. BUT there are also downsides and it sounds like your friend is doing a really good job of being positive / making the best of things. Doing absolutely everything yourself is hard. People often compare it to the fact that they look after the child on their own while their partner is at work, or on trips, as if they know what it's like. It's NOTHING like that. The childcare part is the easiest bit it's the having to do everything else all the time on top of that makes it tough. And it is lonely, when the child is in bed you are on your own unless you've invited someone over, or managed to get a babysitter. Even then you don't want to stay out late because you're the one getting up throughout the night and early in the morning with the little one. No lay ins, ever. And dating is difficult with a child so there's the feeling that's it's going to be like this forever. And especially with only one child, you worry that they will be lonely and you have to spend extra time playing with them as they don't have siblings to play with, which is hard when you've also done everything else that day. I would much rather be a single parent then in a unsupportive / or bad relationship for sure as I think the resentment and negativity would outweigh the difficulties and loneliness of being on your own. But there are huge benefits to having a supportive and loving partner and multiple children so I'd try and focus on those personally, no situation is 100% perfect.

You're being very judgemental of your friend for going to uni and having support from her parents. Being a single parent is really hard at times and lonely too.

As others have said, you chose to have 4 kids. Your life will be very different to someone with one kid.

@inkyfingers

Love what you have, and continue to do the best for your boys and your husband. I don’t envy your friend. I wouldn’t want to be a single mother with one child. Who knows what life will be like for her in 10/20 years….? You’ll have your husband and teenage/adult sons and hopefully not hard work as they are now.

She will probably still be close to her lovely daughter. She will have the freedom to pursue her own hobbies and interests. She will probably be able to help her daughter through university and getting started in life. She may even meet a nice partner and be happily married by then, if she so chooses.

OP, do you have 4 kids (boys) as you were trying for a girl?

I can't understand why you've come to be so resentful when you chose to have 4 (no multiples). It's partly because she has a girl from the sounds of your OP.