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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

529 replies

woodenstuck · 27/02/2022 14:29

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

OP posts:
Cherryblossoms85 · 27/02/2022 17:59

Seems like you've got a little bit of gender disappointment going on. I do get what you mean though, one child is definitely easier, even alone. The dynamic of any other number is always somehow even more of a multiplier, certainly with mine. It's lovely having four boys though, you've provided them with support for life. I have two boys and a girl and I'm actually much closer to the eldest boy.

pizz · 27/02/2022 18:00

Perfect, compliant children rarely turn out to be the most successful adults. My eldest son was very, very hard work as a child.He was always being put on behaviour diaries etc. He is a fabulous adult.

What's the rationale behind that? Data?

MissAngorian · 27/02/2022 18:00

You sound like a shit friend, frankly. Accusing other posters of being melodramatic for pointing out that your friend might be picking up on your resentment of her life. Stop arguing with your husband and maybe your kids won't pick up on that negative energy and chill out, too.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 27/02/2022 18:01

Perfect, compliant children rarely turn out to be the most successful adults. My eldest son was very, very hard work as achild.Hewas always being put on behaviour diaries etc. He is a fabulous adult.

Can you cite your source for this made up fact please?

I cant get my head around those who think the best way of supporting op in her jealousy is to tell her that her that her friends daughter will be vicious, and won't succeed in life.

Undecided1985 · 27/02/2022 18:01

You seem quite down and really a bit self indulgent

you chose to have 4 kids that comes with some benefits and some down sides - but no one forces you to do this

i have more than one child but there was a gap between the later ones and i used to be annoyed when parents of say 3 kids would say oh its ao hard for us to get x to football because there are only 2 of us and 3 of them poor us - no one cares plenty have more kids and cope magnificently some have only children and manage to not make every conversation about "poor me"

stop moaning and look for a solution

Tiddlesthecat · 27/02/2022 18:03

It's not your friend's fault that you chose to have to have four Children and work such long hours. Neither us it her fault that she is a single mum and possibly wanted more than one child. For the most part we have the lifestyle that we choose. So if you're unhappy and want to spend more time with your kids, then you need to find a way to decrease your hours. What can you do without to make that choice? Get by with just one car? Downsize? Have cheaper holidays? Re wanting a tidier house, then how about a list of rules/incentives for your boys to tidy up? Just because they are boys doesn't mean that they get a free pass to be messy! If you're not willing to downsize etc, then can you afford a cleaner to create a better environment and more time with your boys. At the moment you are cherry picking the best parts of others lives and comparing to your worst. That's not a fair comparison.

Dishwashersaurous · 27/02/2022 18:04

Yes how much of your jealousy is subconscious jealousy about her having a daughter. Was your rationale for having a fourth child that you wanted a girl?

princesssparklepants · 27/02/2022 18:04

Yes, right now her life may seem
Idyllic and yours more stressful.... who's to say that will always be the same?

When her DD grows up and travels, meets someone in Australia and moved away....
And you have 4 boys who maybe one stays close and you end up with a billion grand kids!

It's all swings and rounds abouts.

I have one DD but not a single parent. Parenting is so hard no matter how many kids you have . And yes the constant guilt she doesn't have a sibling!

1AngelicFruitCake · 27/02/2022 18:05

You chose to have 4, she chose 1. Ofcourse your life is going to be busy with 4 children.

One of the reasons I stuck with 2 children was so I could focus on their schoolwork and on quality time with them.

pizz · 27/02/2022 18:06

@Undecided1985

You seem quite down and really a bit self indulgent

you chose to have 4 kids that comes with some benefits and some down sides - but no one forces you to do this

i have more than one child but there was a gap between the later ones and i used to be annoyed when parents of say 3 kids would say oh its ao hard for us to get x to football because there are only 2 of us and 3 of them poor us - no one cares plenty have more kids and cope magnificently some have only children and manage to not make every conversation about "poor me"

stop moaning and look for a solution

The number of kids one has... It's like with all the age debates around having kids. You have people moaning that younger parents have grandparents help - no shit, there's downsides to everything. You're lucky to be financially syllable, none of us have it all

Andoffwego · 27/02/2022 18:06

It’s an only child thing. I just have one and our relationship and home life is as you describe for your friend and her daughter. I treasure it because I’m an introverted person and keep myself to myself. However, I often wish I was the sort of person who could cope with having a big family as I imagine it is lovely in lots of other ways. No chance though - I’m just not that person and never will be.

Ginger1982 · 27/02/2022 18:06

@ImWearingReallyJudgyPants

Funny how all those who object to my "unkind" comment do so in such extremely offensive terms Hmm.

I am glad I come from a big family, and I am glad I didn't have an only child. I would have liked not to have been a single parent, and for my DC to have had more than 'just me', but things didn't work out that way. If I could choose, I would choose not to be a single parent, because being a single parent is no fun. I would also choose, again, to have more than one child. So all things considered, I'd rather have the OP's life. Others may, of course, disagree.

Well that sounds more measured than simply saying you feel sorry for an only child you don't even know. People could say they feel sorry for your kids not having a stable 2-parent home. It's not a very nice thing to say.
BluebellsGreenbells · 27/02/2022 18:06

Our house is often chaotic, we have teens, noise, friends dropping in, parties, clubs drop offs and it’s won’t be forever!

Mine never won awards - they worked hard, but just didn’t cut it! They don’t care they don’t need the confirmation.

They rely on each other, are good to each other, they learn to communicate, forgive, compromise, play fight, annoy each other, are sarcastic and rub each other up the wrong way, all all life lessons, all need to be learnt, all help with resilience and life!

We are all different and that’s a bonus.

whynotwhatknot · 27/02/2022 18:07

People can still be stressed with one two or no children

my friend who has one found it very hard-maybe she doesnt tell you absolutely everything or puts on brave front in front of others

AnnesBrokenSlate · 27/02/2022 18:10

@spacehardware

Console yourself that in Gilmore Girls Rory grew up to be an aimless drifter after spending her life being golden child of Stars Hollow.
@spacehardware this made me laugh so much Grin
Owieeee · 27/02/2022 18:10

I have three sons and I love it! They are all different and I am close to all of them, v v close..my DH and I are very alone in that we have no external family support but this makes us all even closer, we are are a v close knit family. Look at Parisian agency on Netflix, the family of 4 boys . Of course it isn't always this ideal.. unfortunately I think in western culture these days having boys isn't seen as "good" as having girls. I have no relationship with my mum really, she has never wanted to spend time with me and so I never got that mum and daughter relationship. Also I worked for years with teenagers as a secondary school teacher and the girls in general were a billion times more difficult than they boys. That's just my experience though and could be just a particular age group..

Dishwashersaurous · 27/02/2022 18:11

Like so many things in life you need to own and embrace the choices you made.

You chose to have four children which has certain pluses and certain downsides.

The same as when people chose whether to work full time, part time or not work. There are upsides and downsides to both. But everyone makes choices and they need to embrace and own their own choices

kirinm · 27/02/2022 18:12

Get over yourself. I was a single parent when I was at university and it was hideous. You have a husband to share the load of the kids you decided to have. She doesn't.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2022 18:14

Perfect, compliant children rarely turn out to be the most successful adults. My eldest son was very, very hard work as a child.He was always being put on behaviour diaries etc. He is a fabulous adult.

What happened there then? Personality transplant?

neednotknow · 27/02/2022 18:16

You're a hater, pure and simple. Your friend is happy and you can't stand it. Horrid.

Owieeee · 27/02/2022 18:19

I love, love the dynamic of having a few children. I love seeing them together, the chats they have, i see them looking through photo albums together... It's fab. Yes you'll get loads saying that they hate their siblings when older on mn, in RL I thankfully don't see this much. Count your blessings op.
Also I agree with a previous poster , in my experience the more driven the person and successful later on in life the less passive as a child, maybe even more '"difficult". One of my brothers didnt sleep properly for
5 years, hell raising tantrums until 5, he now is v v successful, speaks 5 languages fluently, still doesn't sleep well as busy mind. He was always driven , it's just when he was small this was hard to handle! That's just my experience tho and anecdotal but as a teacher I've seen this a lot too tbh...

Iamkmackered1979 · 27/02/2022 18:22

Op, you need to worry less about other people parent and live and concentrate on you and your family. You chose to have 4 children, you have to own that and do what you can to parent the best you can. I also have 4 kids and am a single parent. I rarely get time out I work too. Other peoples lives aren’t always as perfect as they look, things go on behind closed doors they don’t tell you or show you. It’s not all good I bet!.

4 kids is hard work, but there is 2 of you you just need to prioritise what you feel is important. I have plenty one to one time it takes a bit of forward thinking and juggling things about but worth it.

spacehardware · 27/02/2022 18:23

I think you've had a bit of a hard time on this thread OP, I don't think you sound like a "hater", just wistful about a completely different parenting experience.

EveningOverRooftops · 27/02/2022 18:23

One positive to you having four boys.

The can all fuck off out the house with or without dad and play football or similar.

With an only child you have to negotiate a fuck ton of play dates and if they’re bored they make damn sure you get very bored very quickly of them demanding your entertain them. Grin

DiscordandRhyme · 27/02/2022 18:26

Stress like trauma is very much individualistic.

I had 2 traumatic labours and with my 3rd he stopped breathing and had jaundice and had to go back into hospital within a week of being born.

Some may have PTSD from it but I was lucky I did not. I have got it from other events though.

Stress is comparable only to what you've already experienced- ask if you're used to a relaxing life in general, minor upset will be stressful and it's no more nor less valid.

Everyone is a product of their upbringing and the environment they are in - perhaps all her family are rather calm? Mine are anxious as hell especially the females and guess how I am?

I definitely think it's worth looking into little steps to make things better.

A reward chart?
A day out once a month?
Agreeing to wait until the other has finished talking before talking (DH)

These kind of things when done one at a time could make your life slowly happier.

If you're really low is there a possibility you're suffering depression/PND?

Be kind to your friend but also yourself.

My sister never raises her voice at her DS but he has no discipline, so I know it's not always great.

The DD may wish she had a sister or brother.

DFriend may be happy being single but may still be lonely. People don't even tell those they are closest to what they feel as they may feel they have nothing to complain about in comparison/should keep it inside.

Take care 🌸