To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

[woodenstuck]

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

I think it’s really easy to look at other peoples lives through rose tinted glasses and feel envious. It’s normal to feel like that. I’m a single mum and have two children. Many of my friends have lovely lives, family holidays, loving husbands, someone to share the running around after the kids, meals out, etc etc. but im doing me, paddling my own little canoe and although some things can be hard and I can feel envious, I always try to remember that I am blessed.

Well you could have set your life up like hers too. You chose 4 kids and a live in man. You probably had some hand in how your life has turned out?

I imagine that there are many people who would be ‘jealous’ of your set up. But as with you and your friend, their life is their responsibility, not yours.
You could live in Syria, or the Ukraine. The grass is always greener.

I'm a single mum with a daughter and I get sad that my daughter has no siblings and she never will. She gets very lonely and finds it hard to mix with others. We have no family around either. id love a house full of chaos for her sake not mine, instead it's very calm and quiet.

If you open up and are honest with her, it will help to stop you feeling resentment. She will likely either tell you some home truths of things she struggles with, or if her life really is so perfect she may be able to help you out.

@Bebeschitt

That 8 year old will be 14 soon. 14 year old girls are vicious.

What a dumb comment

You may feel jealous now OP because of course her lift is much quieter and serene with just one child. However, once your boys are all adults and perhaps have partners of their own, grandchildren etc and you are all having massive family Christmases or dinners your friend could be looking at your life and feeling jealous that you have this big family around you. My point is that your children won't be children forever and your friends life could change in the future so just be happy for her in this present moment and remember how wonderful it will be in the future having a lovely big family around you x

Unfortunately as sweet as it really is, you are romanticising their relationship and having that kind of bond with a young child can cause difficulties in later life.

I have 3 young kids so life can be chaotic and loud for sure but I make sure to do 'cosy' things with them as it's what I enjoy and there are plenty of moments even at this age when the house is quiet and everyone is doing their own thing; the key is to knacker them out and then ensure they have their own quiet interests to pursue.

My kids bicker for sure but if it was all they did I would be doing everything in my power to change that because in my opinion is a recipe for intense unhappiness for the entire household.

@XelaM

Err.. as a single mum with a daughter i think you're being ridiculous. Being a single parent is sooooo hard and she is probably feeling extremely guilty that her daughter is growing upnin a quiet house with no siblings

Being the single mum of one child must be very intense. @woodenstuck you’ll have the resources of your DH and other dc when the inevitable crises and ‘normal’ teenage tribulations hit.

I am a mum to two now adult sons, that I love so much. Of course, a daughter would have been lovely too, to go shopping with etc, but it wasn’t to be. I wouldn’t change it.

That 8 year old will be 14 soon
14 year old girls are vicious.

Your own 14 year old girl may be but most aren't. The many incidents of sexual harassment my dd and her friends had by male peers at that age, and the daily porn they watch on the buses and try to shove in the faces of other kids, I could say 14 year old boys are porn sick and can't control their hands but that's not true either. Only some are.

Everyone has some hardships like you said your friend finds uni stressful..
I would deffo look at your life and see what it is you want to change...you don't want your resentment about he life spoiling your friendship.
You did make the choice to have 4...and so chaos is pretty inevitable isn't it? I'm just about to give birth to a suprise number 3 and expecting to be run ragged for quite a few years!
Hope you can find peace in your own life and things that bring you joy and contentment.

I think it’s that (as you say) you are unhappy with aspects of your own life. You clearly wanted a big lovely chaotic family but now you’re not making the best of it and are upset with yourself.

Start by doing more fun things together at the weekend. Even just a game of football in the park. Burn off that energy and build a team.

Reduce the shouting. I don’t believe it’s necessary just because they’re boys. I worked in an all boys school and they just needed to be told something when they were actually focused on you.

So your angry and resentful towards your friend because she made different life choices to you? You sound like a rubbish friend. Of course she has every right to be stressed about uni work. Her life is probably not easy, she's just making the best of it & being grateful for what she's got.

I have one child. It has its challenges and advantages, but I don't need to romanticise other people's lives OR to do down other people's decision to have four children in order to feel OK about my own choices.

You could be my friend 😂 she said to me the other day 'you has the right idea with just having 1 child' obviously she didn't mean it. But her life is so much more chaotic than mine.
I have 1 set of problems, 1 set of drama and 1 set of attitude.
She has 4 children, who are all still young- 2 have SEN and she finds it tough. They had a really tough 2 years with lockdown, home schooling, getting covid twice and getting back into a proper routine. Shes amazing though and I couldn't do what she does.

Well, being subsidised by someone else’s money is always likely to be lead to an easier and calmer life than having to earn money yourself by working full time. But she won’t be at uni forever.

For what it’s worth, and having grown up as an only child myself, on the basis of what you’ve described I’d take your life over hers.

@Bibbitybobbityboo86

This is why I chose to have 1 child. My life sounds very much like your friends although I’m married. My daughter loves a cafe, nail bar or popping to the shops. She’s 7. Having 1 child is wonderful!!!

However!!

I have guilt everyday that I chose the ‘easy’ route. I wonder what my daughters
Life will be like without siblings and that makes me so sad

I look at my friend with 3 kids and a life completely crazily unorganised and sometimes I envy her

I bet your friend sometimes might feel the same?

@Bibbitybobbityboo86 Don’t feel guilty! Why should we feel guilty for choosing the so-called ‘easy’ route? I think we all often do about lots of things as a woman and it’s such a shitty martyr-ish thing that’s been instilled into us

I’d think you were talking about me, but I have 3DDs and fuck all parental help, although I do all the things you mentioned with my ex.

Uni is fucking hard as an adult with children in tow.

The relationship she has with her 1DD is the same as I have with my 3DDs, aged 13/11/6.

My house is immaculate because I’m fucking skint and don’t have money to piss away buying random tat, upgrading my house in any way or buying my DCs even a fraction of the things they’d like (and it’s nothing extravagant either!).

I’m a single mother to a nine year old girl. We have a lovely relationship and we enjoy going out and about all the time. But you know what - it’s just me. Me alone, financially, emotionally, etc. don’t be resentful of someone carrying the burden of parenting solo. It’s fine, and it’s manageable but it’s equally hard and tiring at times, even with just one child. No one else is thinking of me, no one is helping carry the load, there’s a reason why I just have one.

You made choices to have more than one child, don’t be resentful that for what ever reason she never. I had terrible PND I vowed I would
Never go through that again, and would prioritise the child I had health wise. You don’t always know what life is like for others.

As you have acknowledged this is about unhappiness with your own life. And that your life has not in reality been what you envisaged.

You must have decided that there was a reason to add a toddler to an inevitably already busy life.

Maybe focus on that.

And focus on having quality one on one time with each child individually

@woodenstuck

She seems to always get awards in school, her report card and parents evening is always perfect. My boys never get awards, and there's always something negative in report cards and parents evenings. It just makes me think I'm doing something terribly wrong.

Perfect, compliant children rarely turn out to be the most successful adults. My eldest son was very, very hard work as a child.He was always being put on behaviour diaries etc. He is a fabulous adult.

@Bebeschitt

That 8 year old will be 14 soon. 14 year old girls are vicious.

I've had 3 of them and totally agree with this! Love them totally but man it was like someone swapped my girls for an alien some days!

Over time it could go any way...I am an only daughter and I have an only daughter.

DD and I are incredibly close, a lot of which has come about about as a result of my enduring and her witnessing emotional abuse by my XH (her dad) so although our relationship is lovely and our home is cosy and peace it doesn't come from a positive place.

At the same time, I have a strained relationship with my own mum. She is practically supportive but emotionally unable to be there for me due to her own issues and the fact we are chalk and cheese. She craved an intensely close relationship with me as she had with her own mum but has pushed me away (emotionally) by trying to force it.

I guarantee what you see will not be all there is to their relationship.

@AngelinaFibres plenty of them do, too.

You are not much of a friend to your friend when you are so full of envy and resentment towards her. If you cannot appreciate her for her good qualities then let the acquaintance go.