to refuse subsidised private school fees

[itsbritneybitch92]

My SO and I are turning 30 and are finally planning a family (as we’ve been together since we were 18!). We are not quite on the same page about state vs private education.

We are both in a well respected profession with competitive university entry requirements, 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams. So we have both achieved very well in life. Our household income is high (we earn the same) but nowhere near enough to afford two children in private school alongside other necessities. We are in London.

I grew up in London a single parent family in a 1 bedroom council flat. My mum was a nurse and worked 6-7 days a week, even through school holidays until I was 18. I went to state schools.

My SO grew up in the largest detached house in the surrey hills that I have ever set foot in with a parent who is the CEO of a major finance company. You can imagine the rest from here.

As I grew up relatively “poor”, I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget. If my SO wants something, his parents will offer it to him. And why shouldn’t they? They’ve worked so hard to provide for their son. My SO never asks for anything though.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house. I added £25k into this which was my entire life savings since I was born. I felt so uneasy with this at first but honestly his parents are amazing, they treat me like their daughter and I was grateful for this massive jump onto the property ladder for our future family. But SO and I agreed that this would be only handout from his family.

Now, his parents are offering a lump sum to cover 50% of private school fees for two children until university. We haven’t calculated how much this is as it varies by school but from what I have googled, one term can be £30k.

SO and I aren’t sure what to do. I want to refuse, SO wants to accept for a few years. He feels that a good education is guaranteed in a private school. I feel that we can find a good state school and supplement with extracurriculars and memories e.g. holidays etc. 50% of private school fees for two children until 18 for us will still be a massive stretch. Also it’s silly to put kids in private school then suddenly switch them to state school.

I don’t like the idea of our children growing up thinking that their grandparents paid for their housing and their education and also, my mother can offer very little. It feels unbalanced. I also really don’t want snobby kids.

Beginning to feel like I’ve married well rather than done well for myself.

Well, that's exactly what you've done. You could not afford your current lifestyle in London on your excellent professional salary.

@Star81

You say you don’t want your children to think their grandparents paid for their housing and education .

Why would you tell them this ? Are the GP wanting them to know ?

My parents pay for my children’s private school fees. They see it as a gift to the children but not one that they know they are doing and it’s never been spoken about.

It might be worth letting your children know, otherwise they might end up like the posters who come on Mumsnet bemoaning the fact that they can't afford to give their children the private education that their parents gave them.

You’re being far hard too on yourself. You’ve married well because you’ve done so well! You’ve worked really hard to get where you are and you’ve met your equal. It is irrelevant that he has a different background

My parents pay for my children’s private school fees. They see it as a gift to the children but not one that they know they are doing and it’s never been spoken about.

Why the secrecy?

So you married money and are now baulking at the expectations that come with money? Before you’re even pregnant?

It's all very well saying your Mum did OK when that was the best she could provide for you now you've got wealth beyond her wildest dreams - but do you think for one moment that she would have refused gifts that would have completely transformed your life as a child? That she wouldn't have wished for the ability to actually spend more time with you and no sleepless nights (or days, depending on what shifts she did) wondering about whether she was going to make the rent, keep the electricity on and be able to get enough food or be able to pay for a school trip and another pair of shoes?

You live in a million pound house. Your parent wanted the best for you, his parents want the best for him. In turn, they will want the best for the future grandchildren that you will also want the best for because they would be your children.

You are unlikely to ever know that insecurity that your mother experienced - own it. Use your exceptionally fortunate circumstances where you fell in love with somebody who has never known that insecurity and give that security to your future children.

It's too early to decline or accept the offer. Just agree to see how things go.

Both of you are likely to think differently once you are faced with actual children rather than hypothetical ones.

You've forgotten that you and DH are nowhere near the peak of your earning potential.

Accept the money and if you want to give it back when you are richer then you can. Or save for your kids.

As an older person (no grandchildren) it gives me huge pleasure to be lucky enough to have helped my children and would give me equal pleasure to help my grandchildren, financially and with childcare.

@Mummytobe93

You’re thinking is right but I think you will have time to discuss it with your in laws once the child is here.

I knew a couple who bought a house with but of land near the most prestigious school in the area, turns out the child got SEN.

What a nasty post. “Got SEN”. As a parent of a child with additional needs, I would say that while the school they hoped for might not have been a good fit, that state SEN provision in the U.K. is awful so should the OP’s child or children fall into that category, definitely consider private provision.

Your SO has had a privileged upbringing and is a nice person who you are in love with.
Your SO's friends had privileged upbringing and are lovely people.

Accept the offer.
Let your children have the benefits and raise them to be lovely people.

It's a tough one for sure. I used to say that I'd be happy to send the kids to private secondaries, because our area has horrific state schools, as in police regularly called. I thought private primaries were snobby and wouldn't teach my kids what the world really is. I'm changing my mind quite quickly as the eldest foes into year 4. The reaching is just so bad. He can barely write. Seems like they expect parents to actually do the teaching after school and they just watch videos in school. So....I would take the money. But totally agree about the imbalance.

I wouldn't send my kid to a private school no matter how rich I was (unless it was due to needing it because of disability and public schools not being able to provide access or services needed).

I don't believe for one second it leads to smarter kids or 'better education'.

I went to a shitty public school (a really bad one) and I have 2 degrees, 1 being a medical degree and the people on my course were from all kinds of backgrounds (most NOT from private education) and all equal in intelligence to have made it onto the course.

If private schools made a difference to education we would have more competent politicians lol.

I do believe 'private schooling' feeds into the class system and everything that's wrong with society though.

Parents virtually bankrupting themselves because as with this thread if they say they 'don't want to' for any host of reasons they are accused of being shitty parents and not caring about their kid's future - society is really just chasing the Jones rather than putting their kids first.

If this is all you have to worry about, perhaps you should take up a hobby.

It would appear that by accepting such a large deposit on your family home you are willing to accept your PILs largesse for yourself but are unwilling to allow your children to do so.

In this situation, I would have kept my financial independence and not accepted the deposit. After all who wants snobby neighbours?

However, I would also recognise that my children are their grandchildren. I would have allowed the grandparents to pay the school fees.

Is there a reason that they are only paying half the fees? Somehow, I suspect that this might not work with their inheritance tax planning.

I know I would have preferred them to pay the full school fees but not pay the deposit.

@itsbritneybitch92 - I don’t get the diff in in-laws helping you by giving you a 1/3 towards mortgage /house v in-laws spending less on their grandkids schooling

Fwiw I worked as a nanny for 20yrs. Many dc I looked after went to private from 3 , equally some went to local state school

I don’t think that is necessary to do private nursery to 11

State till 11 then private if need be

@User112 you are my area. Indeed good schools. My brother went to judd

I generally think private education is overrated

It is very easy to say that if you have guaranteed places at a truly exceptional state school, or if you don't know what you're talking about.

It is very easy to dismiss as snobby a parent's desire to send their children to a school where the other kids' aspirations are high and behaviour is excellent if you have not experienced the realities of sending your own dc to a poor or even an average comp. It's also very easy (and a lazy stereotype) to dismiss those students as snobs as well.

I'd love for you to spend the day with a random selection of the kids I've taught in comprehensive schools and the kids I've taught at private schools. I'm pretty sure I know which ones you'd consider more tolerant and less prejudiced. Obviously I can only speak for the 10 or so schools I've worked in, but still...

The boarding schools that are household names can cost £50k per year by the time school trips and extras are factored in, day fees are significantly less.
I'm not sure that the money is the real issue here - it certainly might make it feel like the OP has been bought and paid for - but I sense that the OP is more worried about feeling an outsider in her own immediate family.
There is time to get your head around some of these issues and negotiate/navigate a future direction that you can find peace with. Until you see what local provision looks like in your area, I would be loath to dismiss the offer of help, lots of state schools are struggling to find staff who can afford to work in them.

As far as I’m concerned, my responsibility as a parent is to get my daughter the best possible education I can obtain for her. That may well be a state education; however, if the best option was a private school and I could afford it, then that’s what I’d go for. If my in-laws offered money to facilitate that option, I’d take it.

It depends a lot on your local state schools. I'd probably ask the GPs to put the money into an account for the children, while the children went through state primary, and would then use that money to finance a good and as non-snobby as possible private school. I don't mean that I'd expect the GPs to finance 100% of secondary private - just 50%. The money "saved" for primary school could maybe be put in an ISA to be used for a house deposit when the children are older. Much better value than a private primary education, and less snob risk for the primary years.

Just take it for your not-yet-conceived dcs.

You would be a hypocrite and selfish to-be-parent if you accepted the house deposit for yourself but denied your unborn dcs the gift of a rounded education for personal reasons which sound frankly chippy. This is about your identity so figure that out but don't arbitrarily deprive your dcs. Don't forget that your dh has a say in how the dcs are schooled as well.

Others are right that if you don't accept it, a big chunk of that amount is likely to go to the taxman as inheritance tax. Perhaps you would feel more comfortable with that.

I would recommend "state till 8" and assess the situation when your eldest is 7 years old.

Whilst it is true that some kids will thrive at any school, and perhaps there are kids for whom private school is a waste, there certainly are kids who won't thrive without extra nurturing. Supplementing what a state school can offer with extra tutoring is not a cure-all - some children simply don't have the capacity to spend extra tine studying on top of what is offered at school (eg consider someone with sensory issues connected to neurodiversity, or someone with a talent for music or sport who needs all their extracurricular time for that, not for catching up with inadequately taught maths) so absolutely must have their main schooling be top quality.

I felt strongly that my DC wouldn't thrive at a comprehensive secondary and we saved up as much as possible during the primary years and are accepting a modest grandparents contribution to scrape together fees for a good selective independent school. It's not remotely snobby. The kids don't think they are better than anyone else but they are able to focus on their work without their teachers having to spend most of their time on crowd control of the disruptive students who don't want to learn who are there at every state school. DC very clearly happy and thriving. Meanwhile I am hearing from the parents of kids similar to my DC who went to the comprehensives are experiencing bullying and other difficulties due to the lack of the supportive and studious education environment that we are luckily managing to provide for our DC, so I am confident that we made the right choice.

Except she does, specifically, in her OP. "We are in London."

I somehow missed that - I just saw that she grew up in London. As I presumed they were in London anyway, my comment stands.

My advice
1 . Get married
2 . Wait until you’ve had a baby before you worry about schooling.

So you’re not married? Who exactly was the enormous deposit gifted to? How is the house ownership set up? Who would the equity go to in a split?

I wouldn’t rush into DC, or anything else, until you be and your DP have addressed equality in the relationship.

Why on earth do people keep telling the OP to get married. Can't they read? She's already married, and it isn't really the point of the thread in any case!