to refuse subsidised private school fees

[itsbritneybitch92]

My SO and I are turning 30 and are finally planning a family (as we’ve been together since we were 18!). We are not quite on the same page about state vs private education.

We are both in a well respected profession with competitive university entry requirements, 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams. So we have both achieved very well in life. Our household income is high (we earn the same) but nowhere near enough to afford two children in private school alongside other necessities. We are in London.

I grew up in London a single parent family in a 1 bedroom council flat. My mum was a nurse and worked 6-7 days a week, even through school holidays until I was 18. I went to state schools.

My SO grew up in the largest detached house in the surrey hills that I have ever set foot in with a parent who is the CEO of a major finance company. You can imagine the rest from here.

As I grew up relatively “poor”, I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget. If my SO wants something, his parents will offer it to him. And why shouldn’t they? They’ve worked so hard to provide for their son. My SO never asks for anything though.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house. I added £25k into this which was my entire life savings since I was born. I felt so uneasy with this at first but honestly his parents are amazing, they treat me like their daughter and I was grateful for this massive jump onto the property ladder for our future family. But SO and I agreed that this would be only handout from his family.

Now, his parents are offering a lump sum to cover 50% of private school fees for two children until university. We haven’t calculated how much this is as it varies by school but from what I have googled, one term can be £30k.

SO and I aren’t sure what to do. I want to refuse, SO wants to accept for a few years. He feels that a good education is guaranteed in a private school. I feel that we can find a good state school and supplement with extracurriculars and memories e.g. holidays etc. 50% of private school fees for two children until 18 for us will still be a massive stretch. Also it’s silly to put kids in private school then suddenly switch them to state school.

I don’t like the idea of our children growing up thinking that their grandparents paid for their housing and their education and also, my mother can offer very little. It feels unbalanced. I also really don’t want snobby kids.

@itsbritneybitch92

We said that would be the only one. It’s difficult to get on the property ladder, it’s not hard to send a kid to school.

That sounds like a convenient excuse. You couldn't have got on the property ladder for £600k?! Of course you could. You chose to take the extra money and get a more expensive property. So how is private school different? You want to have principles but you also compromise them when it suits you. There's nothing wrong with that bit it's a bit late to be doing the holier-than-thou thing.

I would have no issue accepting the money as long as it had no strings. I come from a working class background and my DH is upper middle class. His parents have made lots of contributions towards our wedding, renovation work and our DS. I do feel awkward about it sometimes but I understand that from their perspective they just want to put their money to good use. What better way is there to spend money than on loved ones? My DH's siblings have also recieved support and it would be unfair to not allow DH to have financial support too.

Your feelings might change or at least soften when you actually have children. You'll realise that you would do anything and everything to give your child the best start in life. Your children will learn their values from their parents and having a hardworking nurse as a granny is also going to help keep your children grounded too!

@MzHz

You say they’re lovely in-laws, and as long as there are no strings attached then you would be an idiot to refuse!

As for state primary then private secondary, daft idea, as they will make friends at primary level who may go on to same secondary level

My ds went to a different secondary school to his friends and hasn’t made close friendships at his new school in all the 5 years he’s been there

All his friends are from his primary school in our local area. Which is good from a pick up and drop off point of view but I wished he had made friends at school because it would have improved his experience there, and who knows his performance

Lots of children don't go to the same secondary school as their friends from primary school, whether they go state, primary or both, and I'm pretty sure the vast majority manage to make friends at each school.

You don't have children.
Fertility is on decline from here. You could be struggling with IVF for thr next 10 years.
Stop stressing about hypothetical children. If you fall pregnant, consider it at the time you're looking around nurseries.

@AlexaShutUp

Why on earth do people keep telling the OP to get married. Can't they read? She's already married, and it isn't really the point of the thread in any case!

Reading comprehension is at an all time low it seems.

OP 30k per term is for boarding at really top end schools. I teach in a highly academic day school in a city and school fees are £15 k per year. I know that’s not the only issue but it’s as well to have the facts to hand.

You're not even pregnant yet, and you're thinking about possibly sending kids (that don't exist yet) to private schools that wouldn't potentially happen for YEARS. You could take years to get pregnant. All this is incredibly premature. A lot could happen if/when this situation arises.

Also the £350k 'help' with a deposit?!?! On an almost million pound house?! As a FIRST home?! Jesus.... How the other half live.....

You've done amazing well to become a doctor through hard work and coming from humble beginnings. That IS amazing! The rest?? First world problems.

I'd break it down-

1. do you have an absolute objection to private school? Doesn't sound like it.

1. do you have an absolute objection to GP funding half? Again, doesn't sound like it.

1. would the private schools available to your DC offer them significantly more than the viable state options? This is the key, I think, and you won't know the answer until you actually have DC, know what sort of school is likely to suit them, have researched all the options, understand what state schools will be open to you etc. A lot of people on here saying that state is better or private is better- the fact is there are some superb state schools and some rubbish ones, ditto private schools. You need to think about comparing actual schools not systems (given 1 above).

Do the GP need an answer now? Could you say that you really appreciate their offer and can you all discuss it again once you have DC and are thinking about schools? (I'd also do a bit of research now, especially as you don't want to get caught out by admissions deadlines, which can vary wildly in the private sector.)

I think you're missing the point OP. It sounds like your DPIL are doing a positive thing in supporting you and your husband now, rather than sitting on their assets and you only benefitting once they've died. On their part, if they can afford it, it sounds like proactive tax planning.

I went to a state school, with an arsey name because of what it used to be. My parents didn't pay a penny and I still came out with AAAAB and AAAB - I'm now I'm a secure, well paid job. My advice? Save half the money you'd whack on a private education and give it as a house deposit - nobody has ever given a flying fig about my schooling, just what I'm capable of.

I think YABU. Private education opens so many doors. Don't let your own hang ups prevent your future kids having the best start.

I'd send them to state primary and private secondary, if that's easier for you to foot the other 50%. If it's going to be a massive strain though then I'd stick with state, honestly.

While it’s great to think things through in advance you really don’t know how you’ll feel / what you’ll need when your children do hopefully arrive. Thank your in laws for their generous offer and say you’ll reassess in 2-3 years time.

this is all hypothetical

and agree, you have hang ups,
you are entitled to hang ups of course but allow your potential dc to have greater life choices

The best investment you can make in a child is a private education.

Why on earth do people keep telling the OP to get married. Can't they read? She's already married, and it isn't really the point of the thread in any case!

Because she weirdly described her legal spouse as her “significant other” all the way though the OP, and only drip-clarified that they were married later?

@Shade17

The best investment you can make in a child is a private education.

That's your opinion, but many people don't share it.

I was talking to the bursar of a private school a few years ago and he said that the vast majority of fees were paid by grandparents. It doesn't seem to be that unusual a scenario.

OP, you don't even have children yet and everything will depend on how they turn out. When the time comes you will want the best for them, and that may or may not include private school.

Families do want to support their younger members but sometimes this 'help' is attached to a certain amount of 'advice' and control. Only you know if that is the case here. I don't think it makes sense to reject this kind offer just because you don't want hand outs, especially at this time.

I also really don’t want snobby kids.

Just sending them to a private school won't lead to this. Most of that will be down to parenting ime. If they grow up looking down on those with less than then they will be down to the way you and your partner parent them.

Whether you like it or not your children are growing up in a more financially secure environment than you did. My Dd is in the same position - she has experienced a very different lifestyle than I did, and to a lesser extent, Dh as our household income is way in excess of what we had growing up.

She's in a privileged and fortunate position, but she isn't spoilt or 'snobby' as a result.

One term is not 30K in London. The most expensive private schools are around 30K for the year. Most are more like 20K for the year.

If there are good schools in the area, maybe ask the PiLs to put that money in a trust for the children's university fees. Then it's not for you it's for them

Have kids before you worry about schools.

You married money. Not for money, but you did marry money. His parents have lots of it and want their family to benefit from it. It's not an unusual instinct, to give your dc money if you yourself have a lot of it.

So stop fighting against them giving you money. You already took a huge amount. If they are giving freely, go for it. I'm not saying you should put any potential dc in private school, that's a complicated decision. But stop fighting the money they want to give you, as long as it is truly no strings attached.

I don’t like the idea of our children growing up thinking that their grandparents paid for their housing and their education and also, my mother can offer very little. It feels unbalanced. I also really don’t want snobby kids.

A friend of mine had a similar background, his parents were doctors but one set of grandparents were very comfortably off upper middle class, his other grandparents were a dustman and a dinner lady.

Friend ended up at Bedales and then Cambridge and was fiercely proud of his dustman grandad, not remotely snobby and enjoyed demolishing people who were.

It seems a bit premature to be worrying about the schooling of two children when you are not yet even pregnant with the first, itsbritney. :-)

Just enjoy life as it is for now, deal with issues as they arise; you have a lot going for you and when the time comes, you'll work things out.