to refuse subsidised private school fees

[itsbritneybitch92]

My SO and I are turning 30 and are finally planning a family (as we’ve been together since we were 18!). We are not quite on the same page about state vs private education.

We are both in a well respected profession with competitive university entry requirements, 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams. So we have both achieved very well in life. Our household income is high (we earn the same) but nowhere near enough to afford two children in private school alongside other necessities. We are in London.

I grew up in London a single parent family in a 1 bedroom council flat. My mum was a nurse and worked 6-7 days a week, even through school holidays until I was 18. I went to state schools.

My SO grew up in the largest detached house in the surrey hills that I have ever set foot in with a parent who is the CEO of a major finance company. You can imagine the rest from here.

As I grew up relatively “poor”, I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget. If my SO wants something, his parents will offer it to him. And why shouldn’t they? They’ve worked so hard to provide for their son. My SO never asks for anything though.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house. I added £25k into this which was my entire life savings since I was born. I felt so uneasy with this at first but honestly his parents are amazing, they treat me like their daughter and I was grateful for this massive jump onto the property ladder for our future family. But SO and I agreed that this would be only handout from his family.

Now, his parents are offering a lump sum to cover 50% of private school fees for two children until university. We haven’t calculated how much this is as it varies by school but from what I have googled, one term can be £30k.

SO and I aren’t sure what to do. I want to refuse, SO wants to accept for a few years. He feels that a good education is guaranteed in a private school. I feel that we can find a good state school and supplement with extracurriculars and memories e.g. holidays etc. 50% of private school fees for two children until 18 for us will still be a massive stretch. Also it’s silly to put kids in private school then suddenly switch them to state school.

I don’t like the idea of our children growing up thinking that their grandparents paid for their housing and their education and also, my mother can offer very little. It feels unbalanced. I also really don’t want snobby kids.

The suggestion that GPs set up a trust fund to support university & post grad education/internship is a good one. Said child can extend their education to enter a chosen field.

Research shows that students from poorer background can get through university by managing student debt & graduate well alongside the broader group of their peers, but this rate of success falls away rapidly at post-graduate & internship stages without access to funds for everyday expenditures.

Well done @itsbritneybitch92 for progressing so well through your education & into your professional role. What you have met & married into is significant privilege. As you say your DH & PILs are lovely, & they are generous with their good fortune.

The fruits of your work ethic (Hurrah your mum!) & applied effort are there for you to have & hold. Having access to the funds to enjoy privilege without working towards it might take some time to get used to.

I teach at a prep school. You wouldn’t believe how many of the children are having their education paid for by their grandparents. It is very common. They often have no mortgage and little outgoings, it can be a way of passing on inheritance early tax free and it is a worthy cause and something grandparents like spending money on. They know they are helping as opposed to dying, leaving it all in a will then risk it being spent frivolously. Private schools aren’t the be all and end all but the vast majority of them are fantastic. And in terms of how your kids turn out … that’s up to you. Both mine go to a prestigious private boarding school (they are day) where there are lots of over privileged kids, but many are also down to Earth, and my two are very grounded.

I think trust fund for “educational” purposes would be a great compromise.

She has explicitly said that they are married

To be fair, describing her husband as her "significant other" in her opening post was odd.

Wait for the children to arrive before you worry about this.

Do you know what your nearest state primary and secondary schools are like (although obviously they could change by the time you actually need them)?

Are you willing/able to move to get better state schools if necessary? Or would you need further input from in laws for that? Houses in decent school catchments tend to be ££££

You don't say where you live, but presumably London. You accepted a £350K deposit to buy a £950K house, when you could have bought a very nice house for significantly less, even in London. In fact even without their contribution you had £600K to spend.
I do agree with you that children don't need to go private to get a decent education, but you can't claim you want to stand on your own feet when you accepted that deposit.

I understand how you feel OP but one thing that stands out to me is you're trying to predict and prepare for a lot eventualities here. You have no idea how you'll feel if and when babies arrive. Maternity leave may be as short as possible now, when they're just an idea, but many people feel differently when the idea is a real life person, especially if prem/additional needs etc. Part of parenting is about planning and having shared values and goals with the co-parent for sure, another part is accepting how little control we have over certain variables too. I appreciate this may all feel tangential, but felt it could be useful to you at this point.

It might be GP trying to tax plan and rather than give it to HMRC on inheritance tax they wish to pay for 50pc school fees. As CEO of company it might be forward planning on their part...

Depends what the local school options are.

I'd bite the hand off if anyone offered that for my DC because frankly they are being failed in their state secondary.

I woudn't say no now - and if the primary is okay I wouldn't turn down the secondary option yet as school can and do change.

So for now say thank you that's very kind - and we'll have to see closer to the time - and say if you do say no to primary try and keep option there for secondary.

I think you need to unpick whether it is private education itself and the buying of advantage for your children, or how it is funded, which actually bothers you.

Nationally, less than 10% of all children receive a private education but where I live in South West London that figure is so much higher, to the point where at secondary it's almost the norm. Some of my friends were horrified that we were sending our sons to the local secondary school and the subtext was that somehow we clearly didn't care enough about them. But my older son is now at a 6th form college and many of his peers there were privately educated and had similar attainment at GCSE. What his non-selective, non- fee paying school did give him was an education with contemporaries from wide socio-economic and ethnic backgrounds and an understanding of the society he is growing up in that he would not have gained in the bubble of a fee-paying school.

That was really important to both DH and me but I appreciate not everyone has the same priorities and you need to establish what yours are and how much they conflict with your partner's.

Oh wow. Well done you for pulling yourself up by bootstraps ect. Should we all fawn?

Guess what else you did.

You married into money, not only that- you accepted more money from in laws than most of the country would see in a lifetime, in laws that want to provide the best for your non existent children....And somehow this is a problem? Haha.

Get over it. And yes, these imaginary children will have some snobbery to them regardless. If it isn't regarding a very high class upbringing/relations who are higher class and those cultural differences, it will be because mummy has a chip on her shoulder and has very hypocritical beliefs.

🤷‍♀️ Honestly should have thought about this before marrying someone who was brought up so different to you as it's clear you have a huge issue with this.

The inverse snobbery you have towards, what you describe as genuinely lovely people, is just as bad as plain old rich snobs.

I'd recomment paying for a counsellor to sort out that chip.

setting aside all the issues in your relationship dynamic that could come of being financially dependent on your ILs, 50% of school fees still leaves you on the hook for the other 50% which could end up putting you in a messy situation if your financial circumstances can't handle that.

but more importantly, you don't have kids yet. There's no sense in making financial decisions now when you don't know what your circumstances will be when the time comes - maybe you'll take a long time to concieve, maybe you'll have triplets and neither you nor they will be able afford that many school fees at once, maybe your PILs will pass away before the kids reach school age or their financial position will change for other reasons - there are too many factors to account for in the decision that you just don't know yet

@DietrichandDiMaggio

You don't say where you live, but presumably London. You accepted a £350K deposit to buy a £950K house, when you could have bought a very nice house for significantly less, even in London. In fact even without their contribution you had £600K to spend. I do agree with you that children don't need to go private to get a decent education, but you can't claim you want to stand on your own feet when you accepted that deposit.

Except she does, specifically, in her OP. "We are in London."

I think that you need to wait until you actually have children. You can't possibly decide this now.

I’ve got 2 children who went to private (junior) school for some of their education up to age 11, achieved with financial help from our (not wealthy at all) families clubbing in. Quite simply I would say if you’re fortunate enough to be offered this level of financial help for your children’s education TAKE IT. And don’t feel bad, guilty, ashamed etc. I have a similar mindset to you about ‘handouts’, but over the many years of child raising and the ups and down of life, I have learned some humility and the fact that if your family are willing and able (without strings attached) to help, it is a very good thing indeed to let them.

I don’t like the idea of our children growing up thinking that their grandparents paid for their housing and their education and also, my mother can offer very little. It feels unbalanced. I also really don’t want snobby kids.

Are you going to refuse any inheritance or make sure full IHT is paid?

350k is a big gift so i'm not sure why school fees are an issue. Plus many gps pay.

I presume you didn't take your mortgage maximum due to the deposit size so are you sure you can't afford them anyway?

Its also probably part of his parents inheritance tax planning too. From what you say they will be over the threshold and need to reduce their estate to avoid a high tax bill on death. One of the ways is to pass on money in various way including school fees during their lifetime as gifts or trust funds.

I think if you cannot comfortably afford independent fees for whole of the schooling life, then I think you have your answer. I wouldn't do private then move to state. You could do state then private - but it takes a lot of energy and time to prep for entrance exams.

If you could afford the fees, then as long as you have a good relationship with his parents and can pick the school, the I would take the fees and see it as the children's inheritance from their grandparents.

If they are properly rich AND they intend to pass all of that to your other half anyway wouldn't you rather it all went to your children?

They and you have worked hard. There's very little that interests most people in accumulating wealth without it having a point! You can't take it with you.

You don't even have children yet so it's all hypothetical. You don't know how life will pan out over the next few years and if his parents genuinely want to help they will, you don't need to decide before your children are even conceived. With the greatest of respect many people have views pre children which change once they actually have children and you look at things through a lense that you simply do not have right now.

Have babies first. Live with them as individuals, then decide. It’s all well to plan in the abstract, but nothing will become clearer/solved until you become parents.

Also, you have ‘married in’ to wealth. Don’t be stubborn about taking money offered on principle, if private school is indeed something you decide you want in future. Others would love that chance/luck!

I grew up in poverty, but went to uni before fees were introduced so was lucky not to leave with huge debt. I want to save enough money to pay for my own kids’ fees so that they don’t struggle. If I had an ouch money now I would certainly put them in private school as I have one child in a class of 33 and nine of her teachers could tell us a thing about her if we asked. If I had parents with money and wanting to throw money at us then I’d gladly accept. You, however, aren’t financially struggling and don’t yet have kids, so it’s probably harder for you to see the potential benefits of accepting the money, whereas you did see the benefits of accepting a very large sum for your house purchase. I don’t know why you need to make a decision about it now. Wait until you have children and the answer will be clear.

If I could afford to, I would definitely pay for my grandchildren’s education. I couldn’t think of anything nicer to spend it on.

*none, not nine!

You don’t have children yet though… !?!
I’d just nod and smile it’s minimum 5 years out…

And Without being grim while you can have all the principles about refusing their cash but in a that time period they could easily be dead and you’ll have inherited it all anyway