to refuse subsidised private school fees

[itsbritneybitch92]

My SO and I are turning 30 and are finally planning a family (as we’ve been together since we were 18!). We are not quite on the same page about state vs private education.

We are both in a well respected profession with competitive university entry requirements, 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams. So we have both achieved very well in life. Our household income is high (we earn the same) but nowhere near enough to afford two children in private school alongside other necessities. We are in London.

I grew up in London a single parent family in a 1 bedroom council flat. My mum was a nurse and worked 6-7 days a week, even through school holidays until I was 18. I went to state schools.

My SO grew up in the largest detached house in the surrey hills that I have ever set foot in with a parent who is the CEO of a major finance company. You can imagine the rest from here.

As I grew up relatively “poor”, I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget. If my SO wants something, his parents will offer it to him. And why shouldn’t they? They’ve worked so hard to provide for their son. My SO never asks for anything though.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house. I added £25k into this which was my entire life savings since I was born. I felt so uneasy with this at first but honestly his parents are amazing, they treat me like their daughter and I was grateful for this massive jump onto the property ladder for our future family. But SO and I agreed that this would be only handout from his family.

Now, his parents are offering a lump sum to cover 50% of private school fees for two children until university. We haven’t calculated how much this is as it varies by school but from what I have googled, one term can be £30k.

SO and I aren’t sure what to do. I want to refuse, SO wants to accept for a few years. He feels that a good education is guaranteed in a private school. I feel that we can find a good state school and supplement with extracurriculars and memories e.g. holidays etc. 50% of private school fees for two children until 18 for us will still be a massive stretch. Also it’s silly to put kids in private school then suddenly switch them to state school.

I don’t like the idea of our children growing up thinking that their grandparents paid for their housing and their education and also, my mother can offer very little. It feels unbalanced. I also really don’t want snobby kids.

They are married. OP said as much in her update at 10.50.

They loaned you 350K. They already own you.

You're not even married & haven't had kids.
You have no idea about school fees.
Even if you do have kids, they may not even get into private school. See other threads on the competition they will face.
Sounds like you're playing at being grown up.

OK, married (who knew SO could mean this)... but the rest still stands.

I think it’s fair to think about now. We have always planned everything well in advance to make sure that we are on the same page. I could fall pregnant next month or next year so why not discuss it now?

Because it's too hypothetical. You don't know what your child will be like. You don't how you'll feel as a mother.

A lot of people have one set of values before children and a completely different set after.

Put a pin in it and discuss again when your baby is a year old.

@WouldIBeATwat

Why not just say you’re both doctors? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes this 😂

This latest ‘handout’ (unlike the £350k for a house and the free childcare) is for your children, not for you.

@Briony123

So you'd prefer to use tax payers' money to educate your children reducing the amount available to those who have no option?

What a ridiculous thing to say! It is better for state schools to have pupils from all kinds of backgrounds. Stereotypically sharp elbowed middle class parents help keep expectations high for everyone. The more we're all in it together, the easier it is to argue for investment in public education.

You say you don’t want your children to think their grandparents paid for their housing and education .

Why would you tell them this ? Are the GP wanting them to know ?

My parents pay for my children’s private school fees. They see it as a gift to the children but not one that they know they are doing and it’s never been spoken about.

Sensible inheritance planning by your future in laws.

The monies are coming one way or another - just when. Do you wait till they pss away then get it and wish you ahd had it earlier. Or use it as you go forward and grow a family.

Snobbery comes from the family and the school - you can teach your children in so many ways that they are fortunate and to not look down on those who are less fortunate. That is your gift to your children.

Good manners and a lack of snobbery come from parenting, not just schooling.
I’ve worked in a place that was well used by a public school and the boys were so well behaved, well- mannered and not snobby in my view.
I dislike this idea that private schools equal snobby children. Poorly mannered children occur regardless of what school they went to.
I would send my children to private school, as a parent, I’d want them to have every opportunity in life I could provide. To me, this is similar to what your PILs are doing for their son, you and potential grandchildren, so it seems harsh to judge them for this.

Take what you can for your children, being a martyr won't help them in the long run. If your mum wants the best for you and yours she shouldn't be sad about it, she will hopefully be happy they have more than she or her children had. There are more ways to give to your family than monetary help anyway, and I'm sure from how you've described her she's generous in those other ways.

Also not wanting your children to think their grandparents paid for their housing and education? What do you think has happened for nearly all the wealthy people that went to these private schools? Wealth is more easily inherited than earned and the 'work hard for my own things' is a working class mentality that's encouraged to keep the poor poor and the rich rich. Someone can work every waking minute of their life and never own a thing. Someone can not lift a finger their entire life and own the world. Hard work does not necessarily equal reward.

If your hypothetical children go to any private school, day or boarding, they will be mixing with plenty of other children whose fees are paid by wealthy grandparents. This was the case back in the Stone Age, when I was at school, and its no different now.

@pandora206

Accepting this contribution (and the deposit and childcare) would give too much potential influence over the family for my liking. There's also the issue of feeling indebted to them for such a lot of money.

Gosh. So the children miss out because the parents don't want to feel emotional towards the grandparents. Lucky family this is.

why not compromise, and say what you would really appreciate is to use the PILS very generous offer to pay for their university education.

Funding school fees would be 13 years per child; funding university will be a maximum of 5/6

Do you have to make a decision now? Your in-laws sound kind and want to support their child and grandchildren. From what I have heard from others, sending kids to private school in primary school is a waste of money (although this is dependent upon the local state schools all being good), so why don't you wait until you have kids and see what their needs are and what schools are like in the area you are living in when your kids are in about year 4? If your kids don't have any additional needs or particular skills/interests (as in, they excel in one particular area, which would be worth pursuing but is only available in select schools or is, for example, a sport that requires specialist coaching/training outside of school), then a good state school will be absolutely fine. Alternatively, if they struggle in a certain subject or excel in another, you may be glad to have the option to pay for additional support. Perhaps just say to your inlaws, thank you for your very generous offer and you and your SO will talk about it more once you have kids.

@WouldIBeATwat

I'm guessing one is a doctor and one is a lawyer or something similar.

1.Private school fees are about 20k per year.

1. In primary, paying the extra fees is not worth it in my opinion. Secondary yes. I would compromise on a good state primary and private secondary.
2. I went to a state secondary did really well, got into selective uni etc. But I think my DC would achieve more in private secondary.

4.There are MANY decisions to make between now and school. You can afford to park this one for a few years.

Your kids will have a certain expectation of life as it is. You're both high earners. They will be used to a certain standard of life by default

I would keep their offer up your sleeve for now until you actually have your children. That way you know how many children you are talking about (what if you have, say, 4 kids - could the GP afford that, or are they thinking 2?). You will also know about any SEN you may need to accommodate, which may govern your choice of school.

She has explicitly said that they are married. With 2 high earners the need for marriage is drastically reduced as you can cover everything with joint mortgage, both names on deed, mirror wills etc. The only thing you can't cover is transfer of assets in the event of a death for IHT purposes. A civil partnership can be used.

Be wary of the automatic 'woman drops down to part time' thing though. Also, what would the provision be for if you get divorced mid way through the childrens education? If one of you has an affair will you still be favoured DIL? If he has kids with a second wife does the offer still apply? Will it have to be spread over more children so you could be left with a higher bill?

The education of 2 children that are not even born yet to age 18, even assuming no1 comes along 9m from now, will span at least the next 26 years, assuming no 2 comes along exactly 2 years after no 1 (and some people arent ready then, or have trouble conceiving). A shitload can happen in 26 years. You only need to look atvthe relationship board to see that.

I think you are massively jumping the gun.

Currently pregnant so been looking at this recently. The cost of early childcare / nursery is less if not equal to private. So we decided to may as well go private feeder school nursery to give all options later. We may then decide to go state school for Primary, but the hours are shorter (9-3) so with wrap around care if may not be that much cheaper. The school ratings and level of education can also change in a flash so we will have to take a view at the time.

Also with the nurseries its usually 6 sessions minimum for a place - so 3 days. So if you only need cover for a day on top of the parents that isnt going to work.

Even if you were pregnant tomorrow you have nearly 5 whole years to make this decision about private primary schools so I dont know why you are worrying about this now.

Best of luck OP, its going to be fine either way!

Tbh, I’m not sure it can be viewed as anything other than snobbery to decide to go down the route of private education before your children are even born. What exactly are you paying for, if not to avoid something you have already decided is not good enough for you and yours? It reminds me of my dh telling with with huge amusement how one of his more dense university friends congratulated another friend for getting in to read law from a state school. Very much an “I’m not better than you, but you’ve done well to get to mix with people like me, from better educational backgrounds,” moment. 🤣

If you don’t want snobby children, don’t raise snobby children. Where they go to school is irrelevant.

My DH had his education paid for by his grandparents. His grandfather built a trust fund that was enough for one grandchild each from his five children to have a full private education including boarding, but it was up to the parents to decide how to use the money. Some sent their children to state school and kept the money for their children's house deposits. DH's parents decided they would use it for private education and fund the other children themselves - still saved them a lot of money. He is not snobby by the way, not in the slightest. He can mix with the poshest of the posh if he needs to but still sit with a pint in the local after work and fit in well.
Could you not just ask for a similar trust fund? To be used as you see fit as time goes on. Keep it to be used for education purposes until the children are out of Uni and then anything left can be used for their adult future?
Seem silly to just outright refuse the money which could greatly aid your children's future especially after accepting a huge amount to give yourself a nice house.
If DH's parents offered us money towards private education I'd jump at it like a shot but I know they would allow us to make the decisions on which schools etc to use it on.

My sister married someone far wealthier than us. It was a bit odd at times - some of their friends are gobsmackingly rich but
a) they are in awe of her/our (to them) resilience, resourcefulness and common sense and my sister is definitely an equal partner in the relationship if not more
b) they are exactly the same range of fun/boring bright/thick educated/ignorant tasteful/tasteless as any other random range of people (they just have more expensive wine and bigger kitchens). That French saying "farting through silk" comes to mind

Regarding private schools, my son would have been destroyed at a big state school (undiagnosed high-functioning autistic): his private school failed to spot his autism but valued his academic abilities and protected him fairly well. My daughter would have thrived anywhere and chose a state 6th form. Neither of them are snobs.

I'd say possible yes to private fees but no promises.

And honestly, enjoy their generosity and their love for you. Don't punish them just because they are rich. Accept what is offered in good heart with grace and thanks, and resolve to pay it forward if you can.