to refuse subsidised private school fees

[itsbritneybitch92]

My SO and I are turning 30 and are finally planning a family (as we’ve been together since we were 18!). We are not quite on the same page about state vs private education.

We are both in a well respected profession with competitive university entry requirements, 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams. So we have both achieved very well in life. Our household income is high (we earn the same) but nowhere near enough to afford two children in private school alongside other necessities. We are in London.

I grew up in London a single parent family in a 1 bedroom council flat. My mum was a nurse and worked 6-7 days a week, even through school holidays until I was 18. I went to state schools.

My SO grew up in the largest detached house in the surrey hills that I have ever set foot in with a parent who is the CEO of a major finance company. You can imagine the rest from here.

As I grew up relatively “poor”, I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget. If my SO wants something, his parents will offer it to him. And why shouldn’t they? They’ve worked so hard to provide for their son. My SO never asks for anything though.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house. I added £25k into this which was my entire life savings since I was born. I felt so uneasy with this at first but honestly his parents are amazing, they treat me like their daughter and I was grateful for this massive jump onto the property ladder for our future family. But SO and I agreed that this would be only handout from his family.

Now, his parents are offering a lump sum to cover 50% of private school fees for two children until university. We haven’t calculated how much this is as it varies by school but from what I have googled, one term can be £30k.

SO and I aren’t sure what to do. I want to refuse, SO wants to accept for a few years. He feels that a good education is guaranteed in a private school. I feel that we can find a good state school and supplement with extracurriculars and memories e.g. holidays etc. 50% of private school fees for two children until 18 for us will still be a massive stretch. Also it’s silly to put kids in private school then suddenly switch them to state school.

I don’t like the idea of our children growing up thinking that their grandparents paid for their housing and their education and also, my mother can offer very little. It feels unbalanced. I also really don’t want snobby kids.

My children been state (very good) and private (absolutely superb)

I’d pimp myself out to my FIL and indeed my MIL of them contributing meant they could continue at private

You are part of a new family now. To really be part of it requires give and take. Accepting help makes you vulnerable, you aren’t really part of the family if you can’t be vulnerable sometimes. They may need your help on some way down the line, too.

If you disagree on principle regarding private schools that is another matter.

If your in-laws don’t spend this money on private schools now, will it just come to him later as inheritance? Perhaps the money is more useful sooner than later. The next 20 years is when you will have big expenses and big responsibilities if you start having children.

Having read through your posts, more generally I think you need to slow down in general. The biggest thing about having children is the inability to control/plan so much. You’ve said how many days PIL will look after them, and that maternity will be “as short as possible”. Honestly, you have no idea how you’ll feel after having a child - you may want a longer leave / you may have a sick child that requires longer leave / you may have a child with SEN. You may decide you don’t want PIL looking after them regularly / perhaps one of them may get sick and can’t. Just so many variables at this point. You can’t overplan this - biggest lesson for having children.

If you’re happy to take £350k for the most important transaction, then “I prefer to save for things myself” stance becomes silly.

Also, if you’re prepared to turnover child rearing to his family, then your DC won’t be your own, anyway, so why quibble about school fees?

If you genuinely want your independence, get out now. Your life will not be your own, and your not-yet-conceived babies have already been claimed.

The deposit you accepted is more than the value of the average UK home! So you can't be that unwilling to accept help. Also you say you are worried about your kids being snobs..and yet your OH went to private school- is he a snob?! Why would your children be if they went to private school?
It's all hypothetical anyway at this point, until they are born it's not worth fretting about.

But this handout isn’t for you.

Someone upthread may have already said this but the grandparents paying the school fees whether via a trust or whatever would be very tax efficient for them, so it makes financial sense on their part.

YABU to be overthinking this at this stage. These discussions are important but if you can’t afford the other 50% comfortably then you can’t afford it at all. This is all many years away, everyone’s circumstances may have changed by then. Pointless pondering for much now

How much do you know about state school education? I used to feel like you, till our oldest child went to a supposedly outstanding secibdart academy in a middle class area. Classes were large and constantly noisy, and although discipline purported to be strict it mostly stretched to enforcing petty uniform rules rather than doing anything about constant low level bullying (on and offline) and sexual harassment. Academics were nothing to write home about, either. DC's friend who had quite severe dyslexia really struggled to get anything like adequate support, because the school was too cash-strapped. We gave up and took DC out after a couple of years, and never regretted it.

@itsbritneybitch92

My SO and I are turning 30 and are finally planning a family (as we’ve been together since we were 18!). We are not quite on the same page about state vs private education.

We are both in a well respected profession with competitive university entry requirements, 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams. So we have both achieved very well in life. Our household income is high (we earn the same) but nowhere near enough to afford two children in private school alongside other necessities. We are in London.

I grew up in London a single parent family in a 1 bedroom council flat. My mum was a nurse and worked 6-7 days a week, even through school holidays until I was 18. I went to state schools.

My SO grew up in the largest detached house in the surrey hills that I have ever set foot in with a parent who is the CEO of a major finance company. You can imagine the rest from here.

As I grew up relatively “poor”, I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget. If my SO wants something, his parents will offer it to him. And why shouldn’t they? They’ve worked so hard to provide for their son. My SO never asks for anything though.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house. I added £25k into this which was my entire life savings since I was born. I felt so uneasy with this at first but honestly his parents are amazing, they treat me like their daughter and I was grateful for this massive jump onto the property ladder for our future family. But SO and I agreed that this would be only handout from his family.

Now, his parents are offering a lump sum to cover 50% of private school fees for two children until university. We haven’t calculated how much this is as it varies by school but from what I have googled, one term can be £30k.

SO and I aren’t sure what to do. I want to refuse, SO wants to accept for a few years. He feels that a good education is guaranteed in a private school. I feel that we can find a good state school and supplement with extracurriculars and memories e.g. holidays etc. 50% of private school fees for two children until 18 for us will still be a massive stretch. Also it’s silly to put kids in private school then suddenly switch them to state school.

I don’t like the idea of our children growing up thinking that their grandparents paid for their housing and their education and also, my mother can offer very little. It feels unbalanced. I also really don’t want snobby kids.

How are you turning 30 with 16 years of university education and post graduate exams? Did you start university at 13?

It's a tough one. It depends on the schooling in your area tbh. I'd check it out now. How are the primary schools and the high school? Is it good pastorally, you want your kids to be happy at school as well as get good grades. If the schools are good and remain so I would say no. If the high school isn't great I would take them up on the offer for high school. You've achieved just as well as you so despite coming from a more humble background. Your children's experience won't be the same as yours anyway, they will be living on a two parent household for a start, in an expensive home with probable access to better schooling. They will have had one up from you from birth and I think you should come to terms with that. Afterwards it is a very generous offer, your inlaws sound like nice people who won't interfere so it's up to you both. I don't think the decision needs to be made right now as you don't know how long it will take you to get pregnant and what your children will be like. Some need more support than others and might be better catered to in a warm, state school than a more rigid environment in private school. You can't possibly know until they arrive. I'd say to your inlaws that it is a lovely offer but you don't want to make any big decisions until the children actually arrive.

Childcare will be provided by his parents 2 days a week as I will work 3 days a week. Maternity leave will be as short as possible

Agree with a pp that you need to slow down.

You're not even pregnant yet and apparently have childcare planned - that's ridiculous and unrealistic.

Your PIL may be unwilling or unable to offer childcare. You may not want a 'short as possible' mat leave. You might have a disabled child. Christ, you might have triplets making any thought of private schooling unaffordable.

Have a baby by all means. Don't be arrogant enough to think you can plan with prescision the next x years because there are far too many variables.

29 years old
Minus 10 years for your post grad experience takes you to 19
Then you say you had 5/6 years at uni - taking you to 13 when you started uni

I call BS

You shouldn't stop your kids benefiting from their dad and grandparents good fortune because it dents your ego (in the nicest possible way). But even 50% is a huge stretch. Can they do some years in state and some in private paid for mostly by grandparents? Picking the most important years in private obviously. Bot that I'd know what they are.

How are you turning 30 with 16 years of university education and post graduate exams? Did you start university at 13?

Oops 😂

My son is paying 10k per year to send his daughter to a prep school. It guarantees her a place at their grammar school for which there would be massive competition, not all it it academic ie:they prioritise children whose parents have attended the school.
I think he's made the correct decision but am really mindful of how expensive university will be by the time she's the appropriate age. Could you and your oh start a university fund and let the grandparents pay for the earlier education.
Your children will be privileged and they're very lucky.It's a difficult world out there and I wouldn't apologize for giving a child any advantage you can offer them.

Oh and now you’re in work

So you went to uni at 11?

Also, you may pride yourself on not taking handouts etc but you've accepted a handout worth more than many people earn in 20 years work. Just own it. Why is it that you accept handouts to make your life easier but you draw the line at making a potentially better life for your future children?

I was with you until you said you don’t want snobby kids. What a horrid thing to write. Inverted snobbery is just as bad, why would you possibly think if a child is privately educated they will be snobby. If they are then the parents taught them it.

I’d take the money tbh. Why look a gift horse in the mouth.

Why not send them to state schools till 11 then they will enjoy having friends nearby and get them ready/save up for a private school from 11 onwards