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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say MIL can't see DS on his birthday

342 replies

ncforthisone22 · 27/02/2022 09:02

It's DS birthday next month. It falls on a weekday. We are doing a softplay party for family and friends the weekend before and a birthday tea with his school class at home on the day starting at 3pm. I didn't want to try to combine the events as too many people.

MIL has been invited to join us at either or both events. She doesn't want to come to the softplay as it's "not her thing" and the birthday tea is during working hours. She has told DH that she will come to our house after work (6.30pm) on DS birthday so that she can give him her presents and spend some time with him.

I really feel this doesn't work for us. The kids are in the bath by 6.30 and DS will be exhausted after a morning at school plus an afternoon party. The house will be a tip and the idea of MIL arriving just after we've Gorran rid of 20 3 year olds fills me with dread.

For context, MIL has form for only ever doing things on her terms.

AIBU to say no to a post party visit?

OP posts:
ironorchids · 27/02/2022 12:06

YANBU
She can come the next day or weekend after. If she wants to make sure the present is there on time for the day itself she can go the day before the party to drop it off.

mermaidgiraffe · 27/02/2022 12:07

I think YABU. Your MIL isn't going to be spending any quality time with her grandson at either of these events. A soft play isn't for family, it's for children. We've always done a party with friends and seen family separately.

LubaLuca · 27/02/2022 12:07

It does seem spiteful to tell her not to come that evening. 1830 is not a late night by any stretch, and if you can entertain 20+ kids without breaking sweat a quiet time opening presents and sharing leftover party food with Grandma is not going to add to the stress.

newmamabear4 · 27/02/2022 12:07

Having a MIL of my own who can be “difficult” at times, I feel for you and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. At the end of that day, he’s your son, it’s your bedtime routine and you get the final day. She’s had two opportunities to celebrate with him that she has declined. I would say, if your partner agrees, politely explain that 6.30 won’t work for you as it’s bath and bed time. And suggest some alternative days/times. It will just be an extra extension to LO’s birthday!

Kitkat151 · 27/02/2022 12:08

@OverByYer

Another MIL thread that fills me with dread about what my future DILs will be like. It’s one night. give your head a wobble and relax the rules for one night.
My sons ex partner is lovely.....she makes sure I get opportunities to see my GC.... none of this shit from her.....DILs are not all like OP
LadyFlumpalot · 27/02/2022 12:09

Answers will vary depending on own posters life experiences.

If this were my MIL then I to would be digging my heels in because she always has to refuse my invites because of spurious reasons and invites herself over at times which are inconvenient to us and won't listen when we say no.

However, if it were my stepmum, I'd allow it as she makes an effort with my DC and if she can't make an invite it's because of a genuine reason and not just because she can't be arsed and wants to do it her way.

The relationship dynamic between you and your MIL is what makes this unreasonable or not, and as none of us know that, none of us can say.

OwlNoises101 · 27/02/2022 12:13

Yabu. Agree with others that you are being difficult for the sake of it.
She wants to give him his present and see him play with it.
She can't do this at soft play and wouldn't really get the opportunity to do it at the birthday tea with the whole class there. Not to mention she's at work then anyway!
Honestly, I think you are being nasty for the sake of it. It is your child that will loose out with making memories of his grandmother.

affairsofdragons · 27/02/2022 12:14

I think YABU, but it is ultimately the decision for you AND your DH to make.

She's still working for a living; taking a few hours off for a party isn't as easy for everyone as some are making out.

If she's an otherwise engaged grandmother, let her drop by and give him her presents. Alternatively, suggest 'Birthday Eve' for her, and let her come by the day before and enjoy some 1 on 1 time with him when he gets to enjoy her gifts 'first'.

I don't blame her for not wanting to go to the soft play either; a lot of people are more noise sensitive as they get older and can find it overwhelming. Plus, you probably don't really want her there anyway, no?

Treat her as you'll want to be treated when you're a grandparent who may still have to be working for a living and feeling her age but loves her grandchildren and children.

Sirzy · 27/02/2022 12:18

I think it’s quite sad you can make time to entertain 20 children in the house but not an hour for Granny to visit.

I get her not wanting to come to the parties where she will be sat watching him rather than being able to spend time with him

Sisisimone · 27/02/2022 12:20

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Original poster
ncforthisone22 · 27/02/2022 12:21

Gosh lots of replies I can't come back to everyone individually. It looks like I'm being unreasonable.

The softplay party is 4x nct children plus half a dozen family children (MIL's other grandchildren). It's a small softplay room which we have hired exclusively with a separate room for tea and cake for everyone. It's hardly softplay hell although I accept it would not be all about MIL spending one on one time with DS.

For the tea, its his classmates coming for a play and run around for an hour, followed by sandwiches and cake. They'll be gone by 5, ready for us all to wind down before (pre)school the following day. They are all 2-3 and spend 3 hours at pre-school each morning, I don't think a 2 hour afternoon commitment is that out of the ordinary for anyone. If MIL wanted to come immediately after the party, that would work, but by 6.30 we will have calmed down and be starting bath/bed routine. One night does make a difference for us with a bad sleeper.

And to those asking if I work. Yes I do, and I've taken the day off. MIL would be welcome to visit at a different time on a weekend if that suited her better, but it has to be on the actual day

OP posts:
Migrainesbythedozen · 27/02/2022 12:23

[quote SlashBeef]@RockingMyFiftiesNot exactly this. You can guarantee it wouldn't be a problem if it was OPs mum. People say it's a two way street but what is actually wrong with wanting to see your grandchild, watch them open their birthday present and hang out with them a bit? Our parents would be gutted if I refused them that, as would my poor kids.[/quote]
@SlashBeef OP's mum isn't manipulative and want everything her way. So there's the difference there, because there is a backstory here. I think people are forgetting this. By the sounds of it, nothing OP does would be good enough for MIL unless it is 100% MIL's way, no matter the cost to the OP. Maybe this particular birthday isn't the hill to die on, but clearly MIL has been causing issues for a long time.

Sisisimone · 27/02/2022 12:24

MIL would be welcome to visit at a different time on a weekend if that suited her better, but it has to be on the actual day
Well yes of course she wants to see him on his birthday, and I'm sure he'd want to see granny on the actual day and get his pressie too. It's his nan, she's hardly going to whip him up into a frenzy before bedtime is she. You're being ridiculous

NotAScoobyToBeSeen · 27/02/2022 12:27

I have in laws like this, they always ALWAYS change our plans to suit them, to the point they have turned up 3 hours early at our house when we had planned to meet elsewhere much later. After a while it really grates to always have to do things their way and it wears you down. So no YANBU if this isnt a one off thing from her. This whole thing about being an awkward dil is the latest MN line and obviously from people who were either lucky with their in laws, or people who are so afraid of being bad in laws and pushed out that theyve decided its the dil fault already!!

expatmigrant · 27/02/2022 12:29

You are really making an issue of it...TBH sounds like you're looking for a bit of family drama

PinkButtercups · 27/02/2022 12:30

It's only one day so I'd probably not be fussed about the routine as much because it's just one day.

I like to be flexible with these things because it's only a one off.

Branleuse · 27/02/2022 12:30

id just let her. Tell her thats fine but if she could come a bit earlier, like 5.30 it would make it a lot easier for you as of course its a school night, so you were hoping to keep a semblance of a routine

Dreambigger · 27/02/2022 12:33

You're overthinking this. At least she is making the effort. Just leave the house a mess and have her do the bath and help out and let her give the present. Its not a big deal unless you make it one. He will over excited anyway and bedtime routines are not set in stone. Relax a bit..its supposed to be fun for your DS.

Nothinglikeachocolatebrownie · 27/02/2022 12:34

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable. I don't understand why people always make birthdays about THEM and what suits them. It's about the child and what is best for the child. The person who decides that is the child's mother.

Relatives and friends need to accommodate the child on the child's birthday, not the other way around. I a MIL like this and things get completely out of hand. Now I am very much 'there is ONE party, if you want to be there then BE THERE, there will be NO OTHER PARTIES because there is ONE PARTY. The end.' Stand your ground OP and do what you want. That doesn't make you an inconsiderate DIL, it makes you an excellent mother and a great DIL because you invited your MIL and she has chosen not to attend either gathering.

DearlyBeloathed · 27/02/2022 12:36

Let's hope you don't end up with a DIL like this!

PinkiOcelot · 27/02/2022 12:36

Some of the responses in here are ridiculous. I’m so pleased I will not be getting daughters in law.

YABVU OP.

AlexaShutUp · 27/02/2022 12:36

@PinkiOcelot

Some of the responses in here are ridiculous. I’m so pleased I will not be getting daughters in law.

YABVU OP.

Yes, I sometimes think that when I read stuff on here!
GiltEdges · 27/02/2022 12:37

@ncforthisone22

Gosh lots of replies I can't come back to everyone individually. It looks like I'm being unreasonable.

The softplay party is 4x nct children plus half a dozen family children (MIL's other grandchildren). It's a small softplay room which we have hired exclusively with a separate room for tea and cake for everyone. It's hardly softplay hell although I accept it would not be all about MIL spending one on one time with DS.

For the tea, its his classmates coming for a play and run around for an hour, followed by sandwiches and cake. They'll be gone by 5, ready for us all to wind down before (pre)school the following day. They are all 2-3 and spend 3 hours at pre-school each morning, I don't think a 2 hour afternoon commitment is that out of the ordinary for anyone. If MIL wanted to come immediately after the party, that would work, but by 6.30 we will have calmed down and be starting bath/bed routine. One night does make a difference for us with a bad sleeper.

And to those asking if I work. Yes I do, and I've taken the day off. MIL would be welcome to visit at a different time on a weekend if that suited her better, but it has to be on the actual day

FWIW, I still think YABU.

I have a (just turned) 3 year old, so I get it. He’s also a horrific sleeper who wakes 3-5 times a night and has done every single night since he was born. I work full time and I’m exhausted.

Still, it would never even have occurred to me to say no to my parents or ILs coming over on his birthday evening, resulting in a slightly later bedtime Confused But then again, I’ve learned that being uptight about these kinds of things generally just results in unnecessary angst and it really isn’t worth it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Kitkat151 · 27/02/2022 12:37

@ncforthisone22

Gosh lots of replies I can't come back to everyone individually. It looks like I'm being unreasonable.

The softplay party is 4x nct children plus half a dozen family children (MIL's other grandchildren). It's a small softplay room which we have hired exclusively with a separate room for tea and cake for everyone. It's hardly softplay hell although I accept it would not be all about MIL spending one on one time with DS.

For the tea, its his classmates coming for a play and run around for an hour, followed by sandwiches and cake. They'll be gone by 5, ready for us all to wind down before (pre)school the following day. They are all 2-3 and spend 3 hours at pre-school each morning, I don't think a 2 hour afternoon commitment is that out of the ordinary for anyone. If MIL wanted to come immediately after the party, that would work, but by 6.30 we will have calmed down and be starting bath/bed routine. One night does make a difference for us with a bad sleeper.

And to those asking if I work. Yes I do, and I've taken the day off. MIL would be welcome to visit at a different time on a weekend if that suited her better, but it has to be on the actual day

Where is the room for spontaneity in your lives....such precision in everything....it’s his birthday FFS ....let her come....you reap what you sow...remember that
TabithaTittlemouse · 27/02/2022 12:37

It’s really sad that you are making it harder than it should be.