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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say MIL can't see DS on his birthday

342 replies

ncforthisone22 · 27/02/2022 09:02

It's DS birthday next month. It falls on a weekday. We are doing a softplay party for family and friends the weekend before and a birthday tea with his school class at home on the day starting at 3pm. I didn't want to try to combine the events as too many people.

MIL has been invited to join us at either or both events. She doesn't want to come to the softplay as it's "not her thing" and the birthday tea is during working hours. She has told DH that she will come to our house after work (6.30pm) on DS birthday so that she can give him her presents and spend some time with him.

I really feel this doesn't work for us. The kids are in the bath by 6.30 and DS will be exhausted after a morning at school plus an afternoon party. The house will be a tip and the idea of MIL arriving just after we've Gorran rid of 20 3 year olds fills me with dread.

For context, MIL has form for only ever doing things on her terms.

AIBU to say no to a post party visit?

OP posts:
Dinoteeth · 27/02/2022 11:44

We did whole-class parties at home for both our DC. They were lovely. Not overwhelming at all - noisy and messy, yes, but that's kids. No need to shit the bed over it.

School or nursery, school kids parents will drop and run, nursery parents will stay giving extra toilet issues. Some of LOs might still be in nappies.

monsterpup · 27/02/2022 11:47

Why don't you get him in the bath, at usual time whether MIL has arrived or not, she can either come and help or chat to DH until he's out, jammies on, presents downstairs then ask her to read him a bedtime story? I get that it's a busy day but your DS will probably really appreciate time with his granny and it's not like she's trying to rock up at 9pm at night, she just wants to see her grandchild on his actual birthday

SlashBeef · 27/02/2022 11:48

I hope and pray my sons don't treat me like this when they're older.

monsterpup · 27/02/2022 11:48

You and your husband don't both have to sit with her and DS, get on with the cleaning if you want but frankly letting her do a bit of the bedtime routine and having a glass of wine would probably be much more enjoyable after a party of 20 3 year olds !

BillyBarryBoo · 27/02/2022 11:49

But for a young child it might as well be 9pm.

If the OP had teenagers and granny wanted to call round at 2am people would say no!

6:30 is the child's bedtime.

2bazookas · 27/02/2022 11:51

Tell her, her plan won't suit for the reasons you've given

Then offer MILher very own special personal private family B'day treat with DS to celebrate on some third day. It could be a fish and chip supper on the Friday after the birthday; after she finishes work so he can have a late night. No school on Sat.

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2022 11:51

Well, as a DGM, a Mi and the parent of formerly bad sleepers, I agree with @ncforthisone22

MiL isn't being 'lovely'. She's got plenty of options, including coming on another day. She's just being awkward.

And I loathed softplay as a parent but I still sucked up going if that's where the DGC's party was.

Oh, and if MiL arrives and gives presents after bathtime what do you honestly think the odds are of the birthday child going happily off to bed? Zero.

PurBal · 27/02/2022 11:51

YANBU.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 27/02/2022 11:52

@SlashBeef

I hope and pray my sons don't treat me like this when they're older.
Ditto. It's often ok for the DIL's mum to do these things but not the MIL. Which I understand up to a point but MILs are mothers and grandmothers too.
Riseholme · 27/02/2022 11:53

@SlashBeef

I hope and pray my sons don't treat me like this when they're older.
It's a two way street. If you respect their family decisions then I'm sure you'll be fine.
jay55 · 27/02/2022 11:54

@ShanghaiDiva

You are being churlish. Am sure your ds would like to see his grandma on his birthday. Surely this is the most important consideration.
Why does mil get to say no to two given options but op berated for saying no to one?
muchprefersummer · 27/02/2022 11:54

I would never say no to my MiL in that instance - it's his birthday. Of course she's going to want to see him.

EatSleepRantRepeat · 27/02/2022 11:57

Both these options sound like hell to me, sorry. I'd be skipping both and if they were the only options, you wouldn't get a visit. I certainly wouldn't be using my very little annual leave to attend a children's tea party.

Whatdramain2022 · 27/02/2022 11:57

He's 3! Surely soft play is enough for a birthday treat. His actual birthday should be for family. Open presents, cake and wine for the adults. Why have 20 more people on his birthday? As you've already arranged this huge bash, just tell mil to get there as soon as she can as he'll be off to bed soon after she arrives. As a granny I would be very upset at you prioritising all these randoms over family.

monsterpup · 27/02/2022 11:58

@jay55 to be fair, she said no to the soft play & she's working during the party in the house rather than outright saying no to it

SlashBeef · 27/02/2022 11:59

@RockingMyFiftiesNot exactly this. You can guarantee it wouldn't be a problem if it was OPs mum. People say it's a two way street but what is actually wrong with wanting to see your grandchild, watch them open their birthday present and hang out with them a bit? Our parents would be gutted if I refused them that, as would my poor kids.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 27/02/2022 11:59

Skip the bath and see gran, my parents would suggest similar as wouldn’t want to be around 30 kids at a party at the moment.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 27/02/2022 12:00

@jay55

Because she’s at work, and many granny’s don’t feel comfortable at a softplay, especially with covid

istandwithukraine · 27/02/2022 12:01

MIL hasn't declined/refused 2 options....she's working one and why would she want to go and sit in the hell that is a soft play centre cafe whilst her grandson is off running about - she's hardly seeing him is se? I think the OP is being a bit of an awkward 🐄 personally

cutebutstabby · 27/02/2022 12:01

Just say no or say only for half hour and then you can just start the bath routine 30 mins later than normal? It'll then be up to you to start your routine while she's there so she hopefully gets the hint and leaves. Its not your fault she doesnt want to go to the softplay thing.

Marvellousmadness · 27/02/2022 12:02

Please stick to your plans !
Tell mil it is either plan A or B or nothing at all
She sounds like one of those mils. Just shut it down. Now

Ponoka7 · 27/02/2022 12:02

How complicated is the toy? If not, then she comes, does bath time and sees him off to bed. If it is then it happens on another night, as said, just for her. Is she critical? If not why does it matter if the house is a tip, she's close family. I'm mid 50's, I do soft play with my GC, but many of my friends/my bf can't cope with the enclosed noise level and the way it can sound tinny. I find that my noise tolerance is less as I get older. The only equivalent we had was Church halls and noise echoed.

SusieQuatro · 27/02/2022 12:03

It's one night of the year. It may help him calm down being one to one. Let them play a bit while you clean up, and settle him for bed. Life is too short to make this a problem. Personally I love to see kids open their gifts.

Ponoka7 · 27/02/2022 12:03

"Tell mil it is either plan A or B or nothing at all
She sounds like one of those mils"

No she sounds like a good GM who would like to see her GC.

OverByYer · 27/02/2022 12:03

Another MIL thread that fills me with dread about what my future DILs will be like.
It’s one night. give your head a wobble and relax the rules for one night.