I am going to visit my home town soon. I had arranged to meet up with a family member and her children- had offered to pay for a meal (she's been very kind since my lovely father died). Another family member got in touch to say she had heard I was coming and having a meal - could she and her children come? It would be nice for them all to catch up etc I agreed. She then said it was her birthday that week but she would rather come to the meal than arrange something else. I said okay and didn't think anything of it.
She has just texted to say she has invited other family and friends (15 so far!!). I have also received text messages from others (not included in the 15) saying they hear I am around and organising a meal etc..So it could be more!
I have in the past couple of years organised meals etc to mark my fathers death/key anniversaries. I have been happy to pay for them as a sort of memorial to him -it has mostly been really nice to see everyone. However, for the last two events I found that the individual whose birthday it is has 'hijacked' the meal, hardly spoke to me and didn't acknowledge that I paid (I wouldn't normally expect any kind of acknowledgment at all but on the last occasion she physically froze me out and left me sitting at the children's table- I felt completely pathetic : fortunately another family member saw what was happening and insisted that the woman's child move to the children's table so I could sit with the adults). Throughout the meal she hardly spoke to me and at the end said all those with children were going somewhere else for ice cream etc. She left without even asking about the bill and nor did she even once acknowledge that the meal was in memory of my father. I haven't heard from her since - just the recent texts. To be honest. she has hardly been there since my father died. She appears to have money- drives a 4x4, regular plastic surgery, hair and nails - so I dont think she is broke :its just how she operates.
I had just wanted to concentrate on those who have been kind to me but its hard to invite some family and not others? Is that unfair?
I could possibly stretch to paying (although money is very tight) and it would be lovely to see (some of) them but I do resent how this has been done. I feel like a mug. The restaurant that I had originally booked can't accommodate such a large group and to be honest I don't fancy spending hours of my time looking for an alternative venue. I did ask her how one of the people she had invited (who had only just phoned asking to lend money) would be able to afford it. She responded that one extra wouldn't make much difference - that the restaurant would probably offer me a deal for such a large group. She clearly expects me to pay.
The individual is a drama queen who falls out with lots of people and I don't want to create a fuss (everything goes on social media and I couldn't bare all the ' let down on my birthday and I'm a single mum etc'). I would also not like to inconvenience the other family members (especially those I had initially invited). I value their friendship and would like to see them . I could do with the company as, to be honest, since my father died I often feel isolated and lonely.
How can I change this situation: should I say I cant go (but then would I have to cancel my whole weekend) or should I just suck it up? What would you do? Thank you- and sorry if I sound a bit pathetic. I am aware of this.