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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my friends flights?

371 replies

scenesfromamarriage · 26/02/2022 18:20

My friends 40th was in December, I didn't get her anything but sent a card and said I would take her away for a weekend. She was very happy with that, we are very close friends so doing things for big birthdays isn't unusual. We were looking for a log cabin type thing but then I thought why don't we go back to a city we visited and lived together 20 years ago. I suggested this and she said brilliant idea and she was happy to do that!

I booked the hotel last night for three nights for both of us (a lovely hotel) and I booked my flight (we are flying from different airports and meeting there).

When I told her I had booked this she said, 'perfect, so will I just book my own flight and you will send the money over after?'

I said that I was of the idea that I would just pay the hotel and that we would pay our own flights. She said okay.

This morning I have received this message, 'I'm really sorry after speaking to (husband) I really can't afford to go, I realised that my passport needs renewed and the flights on top of that is too much. It's also an expensive city and I'm so sorry I didn't take this into consideration before agreeing. I just cannot afford the flights and if I knew they weren't part of the gift I would never have agreed in the first place and would have suggested we stay in the UK. We are really struggling just now with finances, very stressed about all the increases and it's just not manageable. I'm really sorry again.'

I am incredibly upset as I have spent the money on not only the hotel but my own flights. Going by her message it appears she wants me to pay for her flights, I'm not sure why she would assume that I was doing that in the first place?

AIBU?

OP posts:
harrumphs · 26/02/2022 19:25

I'm glad you're going to pay for her flight, OP. Please do it in good grace too, as her message makes her sound mortified. You'll need to reassure her or it's really going to cast a shadow over the weekend.

If a friend told me they were taking me away, I'd expect that to be travel and accommodation (If flights were involved). I'd expect to pay my way once there though.

MrsMcNally · 26/02/2022 19:25

A gift that requires the recipient to spend a chunk of their own money isn’t a gift. You (inadvertently I’m sure) put her in a horribly awkward position and she must have felt so uncomfortable sending you that message, poor thing. As PPs have said, this was completely your error and you were enormously unreasonable to buy part of a gift without being clear she was being expected to pay the rest. Spending money is different - the flights are a fundamental part of the trip and in fact the key part if you said you were ‘taking her’!

I see you’ve said you will now pay for her flights - hopefully you will do this in a way that means the weekend isn’t soured and awkward for your friend. I think the only way to ensure that is by offering a profuse apology and recognition that you were totally unreasonable in giving her a ‘half gift’ and have now realised quite what a thoughtless cock up that was but that you’re really excited about the break and hope you haven’t spoilt it for her with your slip up.

If you buy the flights with any indication of begrudging it or somehow thinking you’re still in the right here then the whole thing will be awkward and not fun at all and may well end the friendship.

Hope you can resolve it with no bad feeling on any side!

(This reminds me of a lesser version of the poster whose step daughter had booked her afternoon tea for her birthday - literally made the booking but the poster was to pay the bill at the end Grin)

Hawkins001 · 26/02/2022 19:25

@scenesfromamarriage

My friends 40th was in December, I didn't get her anything but sent a card and said I would take her away for a weekend. She was very happy with that, we are very close friends so doing things for big birthdays isn't unusual. We were looking for a log cabin type thing but then I thought why don't we go back to a city we visited and lived together 20 years ago. I suggested this and she said brilliant idea and she was happy to do that!

I booked the hotel last night for three nights for both of us (a lovely hotel) and I booked my flight (we are flying from different airports and meeting there).

When I told her I had booked this she said, 'perfect, so will I just book my own flight and you will send the money over after?'

I said that I was of the idea that I would just pay the hotel and that we would pay our own flights. She said okay.

This morning I have received this message, 'I'm really sorry after speaking to (husband) I really can't afford to go, I realised that my passport needs renewed and the flights on top of that is too much. It's also an expensive city and I'm so sorry I didn't take this into consideration before agreeing. I just cannot afford the flights and if I knew they weren't part of the gift I would never have agreed in the first place and would have suggested we stay in the UK. We are really struggling just now with finances, very stressed about all the increases and it's just not manageable. I'm really sorry again.'

I am incredibly upset as I have spent the money on not only the hotel but my own flights. Going by her message it appears she wants me to pay for her flights, I'm not sure why she would assume that I was doing that in the first place?

AIBU?

My analysis is because you offered to take her away, that would presumably mean you would cover associated costs.
londonrach · 26/02/2022 19:28

You said you taking her away for weekend...I'd think that flights too. Yabu

Notdoingthis · 26/02/2022 19:28

I think she should have declined when you mentioned a foreign city. If it wasn't clear what you were offering I'd be worrying that either I would have to pay, or you would, and it is far too generous a present. Just awkward. She should have made it clear she was short on funds and a UK break would be a lovely and generous gift.

Moonshine160 · 26/02/2022 19:30

Hmm. Sorry OP, but I think YABU. Unless you specifically said when you both agreed to go abroad that you were happy to cover accommodation only then I’m not surprised that she thought you were paying her flights too.

hairymorag · 26/02/2022 19:33

On reflection what is odd is you didnt pay for her flights when you were buying your own and sorting yout the hotel. Even when i am travelling with friends one of us will book the flights and transfer the funds. How do you know there would be any availability on the flight for her...whole situation is odd.

Callingallskeletons · 26/02/2022 19:33

Yeah I can completely see where your friend is coming from OP, if someone suggested taking me away for the weekend for a big birthday then suggested somewhere abroad I would absolutely assume flights were included! Otherwise you’re not taking her away are you? Your meeting her in a city abroad and paying for accommodation

Hyppogriff · 26/02/2022 19:34

Yabu I would assume you’re paying too !!!

MorganKitten · 26/02/2022 19:34

Only £91 and it's not until august

That £91 is a lot for some people, would be for me!

GrandTheftWalrus · 26/02/2022 19:36

When me and dh first went away we split the costs, I got the flights and he got the hotel. We then split meals/drinks when there.

However if I'd said I'll take you then I'd expect to pay for about 90% of it. Especially if he said he was skint.

If it was a friend who was struggling and I'd said I'd take them away again I'd spend about 90%. I'd maybe let them buy me a drink or a meal to say thanks but not if they couldn't afford it.

You sound like a mean friend.

Mostlyjustrunning · 26/02/2022 19:38

@MorganKitten

Only £91 and it's not until august

That £91 is a lot for some people, would be for me!

Me too and it might not be until August but flight needs to be booked sooner.
GrandTheftWalrus · 26/02/2022 19:43

91 for a flight and 75.50 for a passport renewal is a lot of money.

Changeee15467 · 26/02/2022 19:43

YABU

what is a reverse?

UsernameAB12 · 26/02/2022 19:43

You sound like a mean friend
She is paying for the hotel. That's more than I have spent on a friend. Who can afford to pay for flights and accommodation for a birthday present?

OP can you afford to pay for her flight? Is she expecting you to pay for her meals as well? It could turn out being a very expensive birthday present. What does she get you for your big birthdays?

JuergenSchwarzwald · 26/02/2022 19:44

I think if you had to fly from different airports I would not necessarily assume that the flight was included, but it depends on the exact language you used and "take her away" does sound like you meant to pay for everything.

You sound like a mean friend yes very mean, paying for accommodation for a weekend in an expensive city! Why make such silly insulting comments to someone you don't know?

GrandTheftWalrus · 26/02/2022 19:44

@UsernameAB12 she shouldn't have offered to take her then.

Changeee15467 · 26/02/2022 19:45

Op says she’s paying for the flights. Fair play.

Concestor · 26/02/2022 19:47

This reminds me of a time a friend told me she was taking me away for a weekend after I'd had a spectacularly difficult time.
When we got there it turned out she expected me to pay for half of everything, so her taking be away was literally her driving us an hour to the hotel. I didn't say anything but I was really shocked and it wasn't what I was expecting at all. She made such a big deal of how she was "taking me away" as well Hmm

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/02/2022 19:52

@JuergenSchwarzwald

I think if you had to fly from different airports I would not necessarily assume that the flight was included, but it depends on the exact language you used and "take her away" does sound like you meant to pay for everything.

You sound like a mean friend yes very mean, paying for accommodation for a weekend in an expensive city! Why make such silly insulting comments to someone you don't know?

But flying from the UK to a European city is hardly the same as the OP offering to pay for dinner them both catching different buses is it?
BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 26/02/2022 19:52

I think you made the right decision to pay for her flights. I think it’s a case of crossed wires but yes, I would have assumed like her that you meant you would cover the accommodation and travel costs. This definitely highlights to me the importance of making sure things like this are discussed prior to making arrangements, as I probably would have made a similar assumption and no one should assume anything.

TheSnowyOwl · 26/02/2022 19:55

I'm going to pay for her flights

I agree that is the right thing to do but, as you asked earlier, I don’t think you need to cover her spending costs. Just make sure you cover the cost of flights and hotel without making it awkward so you can enjoy the holiday and continue your friendship.

Lilac57 · 26/02/2022 19:55

If it's a gift, at your suggestion, rather than a weekend away that you're planning together, then yes, you do need to cover her spends too. You can't expect your friend to spend anything on her birthday gift imo. I don't think I have any friends who would do this for me, nor would I be in a position to do it for any else either, it's a very generous gift, and does have the potential to cost you an awful lot of money. But it's a gift you have offered, you can't presume that she can afford to spend any money at all on this, so either you cover absolutely everything for her, or you apologise and change it to a gift that you can afford to give without any expenditure for on your friend. Maybe it is only millionaires who could afford to do this, most normal people would not be able to, so maybe it's just not a possibility for the two of you at this time.

Winterflower84 · 26/02/2022 19:57

Next time communicate in a clearer manner.

BearOfEasttown · 26/02/2022 19:58

@Changeee15467

YABU

what is a reverse?

If it's a 'reverse' it means the OP is posing as the person promising the holiday and then wanting the friend to pay for her own flight. But in reality, the person posting is the friend. I don't know why people do this!