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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my friends flights?

371 replies

scenesfromamarriage · 26/02/2022 18:20

My friends 40th was in December, I didn't get her anything but sent a card and said I would take her away for a weekend. She was very happy with that, we are very close friends so doing things for big birthdays isn't unusual. We were looking for a log cabin type thing but then I thought why don't we go back to a city we visited and lived together 20 years ago. I suggested this and she said brilliant idea and she was happy to do that!

I booked the hotel last night for three nights for both of us (a lovely hotel) and I booked my flight (we are flying from different airports and meeting there).

When I told her I had booked this she said, 'perfect, so will I just book my own flight and you will send the money over after?'

I said that I was of the idea that I would just pay the hotel and that we would pay our own flights. She said okay.

This morning I have received this message, 'I'm really sorry after speaking to (husband) I really can't afford to go, I realised that my passport needs renewed and the flights on top of that is too much. It's also an expensive city and I'm so sorry I didn't take this into consideration before agreeing. I just cannot afford the flights and if I knew they weren't part of the gift I would never have agreed in the first place and would have suggested we stay in the UK. We are really struggling just now with finances, very stressed about all the increases and it's just not manageable. I'm really sorry again.'

I am incredibly upset as I have spent the money on not only the hotel but my own flights. Going by her message it appears she wants me to pay for her flights, I'm not sure why she would assume that I was doing that in the first place?

AIBU?

OP posts:
lucylucyapplejuicy · 26/02/2022 19:09

YABU and I think the message your friend sent was very reasonable and apologetic. I too would expect that meant you were paying for the flights too.

Howshouldibehave · 26/02/2022 19:09

@Oblomov22

Come on everyone. If you are a lottery winner you may take your best friend away. But for normal people, taking away, doesn't mean flight, hotel, all meals and spending money. Because that would mean £1.5k.
I agree, for many people, they don’t ‘take away’ friends or family members as it is expensive. They agree to share costs, or pay for a meal/hotel room on the understanding that people pay their own way for most things.

What they don’t do is say to their close friends, that they’ll ‘take them away’ without any elaboration of what they mean!

WonderfulYou · 26/02/2022 19:10

Before you do anything else you need to have an honest chat about spends for the trip as well, so she work out how much she needs to take and if she can afford it or not.

I agree!
Does she expect you to pay for food and shopping etc - you need to find out ASAP.

I do think you’re BU as you said you’d pay but I do think it’s extremely generous of you to do this and it must be costing a fortune.

LoisLane66 · 26/02/2022 19:11

Yes, you are being really unreasonable. If you had no intention of paying (and I think most people would assume it was part of the gift) you should have asked her if she was ok with that. I assume that you're not privy to her finances so one cannot simply assume that, taking the recent past and present financial situation, she is able to afford the costs associated with the trip. I assume all meals are in the hotel or was she expected to pay for meals out?

GoldenGorilla · 26/02/2022 19:11

I’m glad you’ve decided to pay for the flights. Some of the responses on here are quite rude. Obviously you had a different idea about what “taking her away” meant - but hopefully you can see from this thread why your friend assumed flights were covered.

The text from your friend must have been hard for her to send - in your shoes I’d send an apology for messing up, just say you hadn’t thought it through/had a moment of madness or something but of course you’ll cover the flights. But then ask her if she’s ok to renew her passport and have a little spending money, or would it be better to book something in the uk? It may be that she needs to spend as little as possible right now.

plantingandpotting · 26/02/2022 19:11

@oblomov22 I'm with you. I'd be thrilled to have a nice hotel paid for 3 nights. Let's be honest... it's a very generous present.

CecilyTheWake · 26/02/2022 19:11

I’m going to go against the grain here. I wouldn’t have expected to have my flight paid for as well as the hotel, especially going from different airports.

It sounds like the OP and her friend were not clear in their initial communication about who was paying for what.

Viviennemary · 26/02/2022 19:12

She thought you were paying for the flights. Your fault. Taken away for the weekend as a present means you pay for accommodation and flights. Your 'gift' is costing her money which she can't afford.

DryOldCaper · 26/02/2022 19:13

@Oblomov22

Come on everyone. If you are a lottery winner you may take your best friend away. But for normal people, taking away, doesn't mean flight, hotel, all meals and spending money. Because that would mean £1.5k.
But it does at least mean ‘flight and hotel’, surely.

Or ‘train/petrol and Airbnb’, if the budget doesn’t extend to overseas.

I mean, come one - what else can a gift of taking someone away possibly mean?

Unless you’re the step-daughter from the recent thread who though booking the parents in for high tea constituted the gift, while they actually were expected to pay for it. Grin

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 26/02/2022 19:15

OP I don't think either of you is being unreasonable. It is a really awkward misunderstanding. I can see both sides of the story. FWIW if my best friend made the suggestion that you say you made I would not tell her to book unless I was clear about who was paying for what. And I think your friend should have been the same. "Taking someone away" covers all inclusive from door to door or paying for the hotel room.

I really feel for you because I have a dear friend who finds herself in your sort of position all the time. Not exactly the same but she makes generous suggestions which are misunderstood.

Your friend's message reads as though she is terribly embarrassed to have misunderstood and I feel for her as well.

I think you are an amazing friend for picking up the flights now. Don't feel bad about it. Neither of you wanted to upset the other. Don't let it spoil your trip.

Sarahcoggles · 26/02/2022 19:15

I think you’re getting a hard time OP.
I agree with everyone else that YABU and you shouldn’t have expected her to pay for the flights. But it sounds like you were trying to give her a nice gift, and you just haven’t communicated well.
That said, it sounds like an incredibly extravagant present. Is this common between you, and is she able to afford the same?

DrManhattan · 26/02/2022 19:15

Hope your friend isn't on mumsnet - they will see this and know that you thought it was OK LOL

loveacuppa5 · 26/02/2022 19:15

🤣🤣🤣🤣 I would DEFINITELY expect you to pay flights if you're taking me away

ThinWomansBrain · 26/02/2022 19:16

Not sure how a post 'reads like a reverse' but it isn't.

Probably because everyone else is as incredulous as I am that you even question, let alone post online that you think she is the one being unreasonable, and have the temerity to think that she'd want to spend £££'s on a weekend away on a weekend that is supposed to be your birthday gift to her?

arethereanyleftatall · 26/02/2022 19:17

That's nice of you to pay for the flights op, but you may well have already created a problem. Maybe she can't afford the passport renewal or spend in the city anyway. This could still potentially be very embarrassing for her.
I would have a very honest chat with her, and maybe instead somehow swap to taking her on an all expenses paid trip to somewhere much cheaper? (Ie same cost to you as hotel plus flight)

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 26/02/2022 19:18

Yes you’re unreasonable

DryOldCaper · 26/02/2022 19:20

Your friend's message reads as though she is terribly embarrassed to have misunderstood and I feel for her as well.

Absolutely this ^^

She seems mortified that she misunderstood and - as a result - is now in a situation she can’t afford or justify.

That the amount is clearly nothing to you, makes it even worse (and more like a reverse, because it’s hard to believe your stunning lack of self-awareness).

AlexaShutUp · 26/02/2022 19:20

@Oblomov22

Come on everyone. If you are a lottery winner you may take your best friend away. But for normal people, taking away, doesn't mean flight, hotel, all meals and spending money. Because that would mean £1.5k.
But surely you just don't offer if you can't afford it? 🤔
Canyouhearmehello · 26/02/2022 19:20

Now you are being passive aggressive ONLY £91. Only £91 to you sounds like nothing to you but could be a weeks shopping to your friend. Also NOT UNTIL AUGUST implies that gives your friend plenty of time to save up. You really are a piece of work can you not see that what you have done is so obviously unreasonable although it may not have been intentional, after all the comments from pp you still don't get it

Chocomelon · 26/02/2022 19:21

I would also assume you were paying for flights if you said you were taking her away and it was silly if you to book the hotel before making sure she was happy with this, not to mention a little rude!

gingerhills · 26/02/2022 19:21

OP, I would agree with her. If you offer to take someone away for the weekend, you pay travel and accommodation. it is always wrong to offer someone a gift that involves them forking out a lot of their own money without them having a say in it. You need to apologise and say you'd love to pay for flights too, and then look for some ultra cheap places to eat.

ClandestineAdulation · 26/02/2022 19:21

I think paying for her flights is the right thing in this situation but also think you need to clarify if you expect her to pay for meals/activities etc whilst you’re there to avoid any more awkwardness.

feministqueen · 26/02/2022 19:22

YABU. You said you were taking her away. That means paying for her to get there and stay there.

I wouldn't agree that it means covering all her spending money though. She should expect to pay for her spending money

SpiderVersed · 26/02/2022 19:23

said I would take her away for a weekend

So transport and accomodation. Not "I'll cover the hotel but my present will cost you £100 plus spends and meals."

"Please fly to a foreign city to receive my gift" isn't a present.

BearOfEasttown · 26/02/2022 19:23

Yeah YABU. You said you would take her away and yet you expect her to pay for her own flights? How odd.

I think the passport issue is an excuse, and she (with some influence from her DH I suspect) has thought 'no way am I going on any trip that was promised to me when I have to pay for my own flight.' But she is being polite, and lying.

@AlexaShutUp

Only £91 and it's not until august?

If this isn't much money to you, OP, then I think you need to get on the phone to your friend, apologise profusely for not having thought things through properly and tell her that of course you'll cover the cost of the flight - the whole trip was supposed to be your treat anyway.

This. ^ You will lose more money by what you have already lost on your hotel and your own flights, than you will by just paying for her flight.