Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my friends flights?

371 replies

scenesfromamarriage · 26/02/2022 18:20

My friends 40th was in December, I didn't get her anything but sent a card and said I would take her away for a weekend. She was very happy with that, we are very close friends so doing things for big birthdays isn't unusual. We were looking for a log cabin type thing but then I thought why don't we go back to a city we visited and lived together 20 years ago. I suggested this and she said brilliant idea and she was happy to do that!

I booked the hotel last night for three nights for both of us (a lovely hotel) and I booked my flight (we are flying from different airports and meeting there).

When I told her I had booked this she said, 'perfect, so will I just book my own flight and you will send the money over after?'

I said that I was of the idea that I would just pay the hotel and that we would pay our own flights. She said okay.

This morning I have received this message, 'I'm really sorry after speaking to (husband) I really can't afford to go, I realised that my passport needs renewed and the flights on top of that is too much. It's also an expensive city and I'm so sorry I didn't take this into consideration before agreeing. I just cannot afford the flights and if I knew they weren't part of the gift I would never have agreed in the first place and would have suggested we stay in the UK. We are really struggling just now with finances, very stressed about all the increases and it's just not manageable. I'm really sorry again.'

I am incredibly upset as I have spent the money on not only the hotel but my own flights. Going by her message it appears she wants me to pay for her flights, I'm not sure why she would assume that I was doing that in the first place?

AIBU?

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 26/02/2022 18:59

Only £91 and it's not until august

If this isn't much money to you, OP, then I think you need to get on the phone to your friend, apologise profusely for not having thought things through properly and tell her that of course you'll cover the cost of the flight - the whole trip was supposed to be your treat anyway.

Lilac57 · 26/02/2022 18:59

If you don't want to waste your hotel booking and flights, tell your friend you're following through on your offer and paying for everything after all. Like your said, you're supposed to be "taking her away". That means you cover the costs. Of everything.

PinkSyCo · 26/02/2022 19:00

If her flight is “only £91 and it's not until august” you won’t mind saving up to pay for it then will you?

Neenawneenaw76 · 26/02/2022 19:00

Omg yes you are being incredibly unreasonable. Buying someone half a gift when they can't afford the other half, then being pissed off when they're honest enough to say they can't afford it makes you a terrible friend. Honestly after this I wouldn't talk to you again!

AlexaShutUp · 26/02/2022 19:01

I'm going to pay for her flights

Good call, OP. I hope any awkwardness between you will be short lived, and that you'll both have a wonderful trip.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/02/2022 19:02

Glad to see that you are paying her flights.

I have to admit I was a bit Hmm when you say "only £91" when your whole thread was about you not wanting to pay it.

Happy36 · 26/02/2022 19:02

It sounded as if you were paying for the flights.

Can you take her to a UK city instead?

notanothertakeaway · 26/02/2022 19:03

Sounds like a misunderstanding

You said you would take her away for the weekend. in her shoes I would expect you to pay for transport and accommodation

If you normally exchange gifts, could you offer to pay her flights as her 41st and 42nd birthday present? That way, you still get the trip together, but you're not paying more than you had budgeted for in total

BoodleBug51 · 26/02/2022 19:03

I think you should pay for her flights, I'd expect that as part of a weekend away.

But I'd equally expect to pay my own way when there. If she's having to pay the best part of £100 for her passport and then come up with £200/£300 spending money, that's quite a financial commitment if she's struggling.

Your gesture is really kind, don't let it spoil the weekend - perhaps you could suggest a saving account that you both pay into over the next few months so it's not all in one hit?

DryOldCaper · 26/02/2022 19:04

*said I would take her away for a weekend.+

I think this is the point at which she believed you were going to take her away for the weekend.

As for ‘only £91’, what a waste of time this thread was.

Glad you’re going to pay for her.

LagunaBubbles · 26/02/2022 19:04

Of course YABU, offering to take someone away means coveting the cost of travel and accommodation. Why on earth you then were sarcastic asking if you were expected to cover her spending money who knows!

Oblomov22 · 26/02/2022 19:04

This is just a total lack of communication between friends. You should have talked about all of this again and again at many different points. So she did know it was an expensive city? She knew what he costs of flights were. and hotels. Why didn't she tell you she had financial difficulties before?

LadyEloise1 · 26/02/2022 19:05

I would have thought, like your friend, that taking her away for a birthday treat would include you paying for the flights as well as the accommodation.

rocksonrocks · 26/02/2022 19:05

Well you do sound like a shit friend! Not only have you humiliated her, you’ve also posted about it on a public forum which she’ll easily see if she’s on here despite her explaining she can’t afford them and they were an implied part of her gift.

The fact that they were “only £91” all along makes you even more unreasonable. Shame you needed MN to treat your friend with kindness.

Chikapu · 26/02/2022 19:05

I'm not sure I'd go now even if the flights were paid for, you've made it awkward and put a huge black cloud over the whole thing.
Maybe your friend will feel differently but you have seriously humiliated her.

peboh · 26/02/2022 19:06

Unless you clarified when you offered to take her away that you wouldn't be paying for travel then yes, yabu.
When I've done weekends away for friends as gifts I've covered travel, accommodation and activities and food.I would only expect them to cover any additional spending they wanted to do.

Blueuggboots · 26/02/2022 19:06

I think her message is polite and honest.
I think you have no right to be upset. You should have made it clear what you were prepared to pay for before you didn't any money.

withgraceinmyheart · 26/02/2022 19:06

Yabu

Before you do anything else you need to have an honest chat about spends for the trip as well, so she work out how much she needs to take and if she can afford it or not.

In her position I’d be wary after this. It sounds like you’d be wanting to do expensive things together on the trip and not thinking about whether she can afford it or not.

Really poor of you to put her in this position, I think she’s handled it perfectly.

Oblomov22 · 26/02/2022 19:07

Come on everyone. If you are a lottery winner you may take your best friend away. But for normal people, taking away, doesn't mean flight, hotel, all meals and spending money. Because that would mean £1.5k.

Blueuggboots · 26/02/2022 19:07

Typo!! Before you SPENT ANY MONEY that should say.

Mellowyellow222 · 26/02/2022 19:07

Not only should you pay for the flights, you should apologise.

You put her in a really awkward position. It must have been dreadful having to compose that text.

A gift shouldn’t cost her money!

Yeahbutnotreally · 26/02/2022 19:08

Yep. Can’t believe you think YANBU tbh.

“Here friend, I’m taking you away for your birthday treat but you have to spend ££ in order to benefit from this ‘gift’” Confused

Branleuse · 26/02/2022 19:08

Sounds like you should have probably double checked before booking something she would have to pay out for

nettie434 · 26/02/2022 19:08

I would have assumed that the present included the flights too. I love a city break but have found that the costs of eating out, transport, and sightseeIng do make them an expensive option.

I recently renewed my passport so that would be another £75. I also paid extra to have an official photo because you have to get the photo just right to have it accepted.

Your friend's message was polite and I'm glad you've offered to pay for the flights. However, it's still possible she will find the trip too expensive. You made a lovely offer. It's just that with inflation, fuel increases etc many of us have found that what was an ok income is going to get a lot worse.

Chikapu · 26/02/2022 19:09

@Oblomov22

Come on everyone. If you are a lottery winner you may take your best friend away. But for normal people, taking away, doesn't mean flight, hotel, all meals and spending money. Because that would mean £1.5k.
So you talk about expectations before saying 'I'm taking you away' surely? It wouldn't have been difficult to discuss exactly what was included and what wasn't.
Swipe left for the next trending thread