Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset partner left at midnight after we were in bed?

183 replies

Kione · 26/02/2022 07:48

We have been seeing each other for about 6 months, usually everything is great and we are getting to know each other's quirks.
What I love about him is that he is really sociable, friendly and does the same job as me which involves caring which I live.

He is impulsive tho, at work, for example he will hand his notice if there are decisions affecting him that he doesn't like, instead of talking through things, he then takes it back after things are discussed.

He told me he is dispraxic, diagnosed. I have learnt that when he gets focused on something it's like the only thing he "sees" like tunnel vision. I don't know how to explain this. So when this was me at the start, it was amazing. Then that stopped and he has done that with other things, a trip away, jobs, moving house... and I feel kind of left to a side.

I am trying to give as much info as I can to describe his personality.

I am moving now, have a puppy, kids, it's been HARD. He is suddenly (3 days ago) obsessed with going to the gym, and has not been there to help at times when I really needed it with the move.

He planned a trip on a whim last weekend, asked me to join him but I declined as I was very likely going to get my new house keys. The trip got canceled due to the storm and he was very "distant" after. Then he decided to join the gym and the vibe has changed a lot. I imagine I am not the recipient of his focus anymore and tried to understand this positively.

I really tried to understand his mind and tunnel vision sort of thing. Yesterday he came to mine at 8pm after work and gym and I was shattered so left move things undone. We went to bed at ten, I was watching something on tv and he woke up at 12, said he was going home to put a washing on because he had 2 days worth of gym things in the car. I told him not to put a washing so late because it's noisy. He agreed, but still left "to sort things out". I was not happy, I really still don't understand... leaving at midnight on a Friday just like that. He has told me earlier he was going to stay at mine.

I know it's difficult to form an opinion without a lot of context but I wonder if there is other people like this out there and I should know him more or call bullshit and leave him to it. I find it very confusing.

Please be kind! Thanks

OP posts:
amusedbush · 26/02/2022 11:31

ADHD jumps off the page to me, too - dyspraxia has massive comorbidity with ASD and ADHD (I have all three, formally diagnosed by separate professionals). Two people I know who have each worked with neurodivergent people for 15+ years told me that they have only met one or two people in their careers who only had dyspraxia - it very much goes hand in hand with other conditions. And for those saying it only affects gross and fine motor skills, no it doesn't. It affects everything from emotional regulation to cognitive processing.

Anyway, while dyspraxia wouldn't cause this type of hyperfixation, it could point to ADHD, which absolutely does cause impulsivity and hyperfixation, jumping from obsession to obsession. However, as others have said, you don't need to live with it if his behaviour doesn't suit your lifestyle or needs.

RandomMess · 26/02/2022 11:33

After my DD being diagnosed I am 99.9% sure I have ADD.

My DH has the patience of a saint and I wouldn't want to be married to be tbh Blush

Closetbeanmuncher · 26/02/2022 11:35

This would send me running for the hills. Hes not making adult decisions. You have kids and you all need stability. And by that I'm not talking about him meeting your kids, I'm talking about you even having a private relationship where the idiot flip flops around, dippings in and out and giving you stress you dont need while you are living an adult life with responsibilities

Throw his one back. In a crisis it's clear he wouldn't be able to pick up the mantle and manage life of you were, worse case, seriously ill or supporting someone seriously ill. You can do better

Every single word of this with bells on!

buddylicious · 26/02/2022 11:40

Dyspraxia can manifest alongside ADHD. My nephew has both (and dyslexia).

They can cause issues around being focused etc and he can change his mind from one minute to another on what he wants to do. (He is very disorganised too).

It doesn't necessarily mean he's seeing someone else!

Just talk to him about it!

Kyiv · 26/02/2022 11:42

My husband has ADHD and he can be like this a little

RockinHorseShit · 26/02/2022 11:52

He sounds to me to be ND, possibly ADHD, the term you're looking for is "hyper focus" & it's an ADHD/ASD thing

Talk to him & take it from there, only you can decide if this behaviour is something you can deal with or not. Chances are, if he is ND, he's probably very honourable & honest though, so it can have its pluses too

GirlOfTudor · 26/02/2022 11:56

I get the impression that you are in very different places in your lives. You've got kids, a puppy, a steady job and you've just purchased another home. He is a temp agency worker, lives in house shares/staff accommodation and, assuming from what you've said, doesn't have kids. Maybe your relationship won't work because of this.

Also, I found it odd when you said he wanted to go home to do laundry at midnight and you told him not to because it's noisy Hmm . It sounds like your trying to be his parent/employer, which definitely goes along with the 'redirection' comment you made... Just came off a little weird...

nanbread · 26/02/2022 11:59

I Came on here to say it sounds like ADHD too.

KneadingKitty · 26/02/2022 11:59

This thread is really feeding my already low self-esteem about not being dateable. Ha.

Tiredly · 26/02/2022 12:03

I'm married to comeone with unmedicated adhd..dont do it.
As much as I love him, I feel lonelier than ever and cannot rely on him to do anything even things with dc because he will forget or put it her priories before them and put them in risky situations as he is so hyper focused on something else that he csnt see the risk etc..

liveforsummer · 26/02/2022 12:04

Chances are, if he is ND, he's probably very honourable & honest though, so it can have its pluses too.

What a bizarre and sweeping statement. Why do people say this stuff? It's possible to be an arsehole and ND. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Hankunamatata · 26/02/2022 12:12

Yeah sounds like my adhd partner back in the day. Its was tough going. They tend to be love bombers then get completely focused on something else other than you

Thinkyoung · 26/02/2022 12:19

I’ve just had to ask my undiagnosed adhd, dyslexic, dp,with tics to shut the front door that he’s left open - twice today already.

He probably has oppositional defiant disorder too. He has left in the middle of night, slept in car. He was never with a woman, I traced often.

It’s driven me mad over the years , quote literally; but I’ve known he’s intentions are always great, he was decent, creative and funny. If you’re super organised and clinical it probably will make you very distressed.

I did give ultimatums in the end, like if you leave stay away, if you impulsively blow money we split etcetra and we are together after 22 years, happy. It’s not been easy. Never a dull moment!

Avarua · 26/02/2022 12:21

You are not a therapist, you are not his mother, it is not up to you to solve this. It's just going to end up getting you down and you have three children so it's just not what you need at all.
This.

Keep him as a live-out boyfriend but don't expect to be able to rely on him as a partner.

Angelswithflirtyfaces · 26/02/2022 12:25

I get that after boring you want excitement, but going from one extreme to the other is not working for you, or you wouldnt be in here asking advice.
Excitement isnt being kept on tenterhooks, second guessing, over analysing and looking forc reasons/excuses as to why a grown man acts this way.
He is a person not a project and if it stopped being fun its ok to move on to other dates.
Nothing should be this hard work. I think when people get out of a boring marriage, getting mucked about seems exciting but its actually just as hard as boring.
But as soon as people here post different to what you want to hear you get a little defensive, so if that is the case prepare for a rollercoater relationship. One where you tell friends he is being a dick because (insert preferred label) or look for someone with less red flags.
Treat it as a lovely rebound that made you see you need someone with a bit more spark but without the drama.
You dont have to turn every relationship into the one.
In my experience once you start to have these doubts its pretty much over anyway. You just delaying the inevitable.

AngelinaFibres · 26/02/2022 13:01

@Kione

McScreamy It has been like that, never boring, and I needed that after many boring years. I just don't know if it's good enough now.
There are many options between boring and chaotic. What seems fun, zany, spontaneous, woooo is a real PITA after a while. If you are going to continue with this I would say keep him as a boyfriend but that's it. The relationship is between the 2 of you and never involves your children. You are clear that he cant move in with you when his friend inevitably throws him out for his 'quirky ways. You have no financial ties. The other option will cost you dearly in every way.
AngelinaFibres · 26/02/2022 13:32

I mentioned my ADHD brother further up the thread Op. My mother had covid recently. She passed it onto me and I was quite poorly so no use to her. My brother lives about 3 minutes walk from her. She preferred to ask her neighbours (who are fantastic) if they would get bits and bobs from the shop for her, rather than ask my brother . She knows very well that her request would have left his head 2 seconds after she had made it. He is never on time and never brings whatever he has been asked to. She would never ask him for a lift to the airport. It would just never happen. She communicates with his wife if something is important because he doesn't check his phone. It isn't quirky and fun and cool. He is 55 and has never remembered the birthday of any of us for the whole of his life. It's just a PITA. His wife was previously in an abusive relationship . He can be kind and sweet and funny but he isn't an adult partner. She constantly makes excuses for where he is and why he hasn't done what he was supposed to. I think it is wearing thin now that her daughter is entering the stressful teenage years.

RockinHorseShit · 26/02/2022 14:54

What a bizarre and sweeping statement. Why do people say this stuff? It's possible to be an arsehole and ND. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Not bizarre at all @liveforsummer, that is MY personal experience & I know a lot of ND people, both adults & kids. My DH is likely ADHD too. DD ASD & ADHD. The percentage of "good guys" amongst that lot is huge compared to my NT friends

liveforsummer · 26/02/2022 15:33

@RockinHorseShit

What a bizarre and sweeping statement. Why do people say this stuff? It's possible to be an arsehole and ND. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Not bizarre at all @liveforsummer, that is MY personal experience & I know a lot of ND people, both adults & kids. My DH is likely ADHD too. DD ASD & ADHD. The percentage of "good guys" amongst that lot is huge compared to my NT friends

But that's because they are nice people not because they are neurodiverse! It's not a personality type. That would be like me assuming all ND people are deceitful and unkind because I know someone who is and they have ADHD, which is absurd!
RockinHorseShit · 26/02/2022 16:53

But are they really deceitful & unkind, or are you just not understanding their disability?

I ask as I've had this with my ND DD, & counselling taught me to rephrase my questions to be more precise. Saves a hell of a lot of upset & angst from DD as she feels heard and understood & not accused in her head of being deceitful & unkind, which is how it can seem if we don't communicate well.

Ofc, there's arseholes in all forms, but you can generally rely on ND people to be upfront & honest & not ever deliberately hurtful, which is a blessing in my book

Original poster
Kione · 26/02/2022 17:28

Well, this particular one is sweet and kind and very sociable. Move went well and now off to the local.

I am going to keep my distance a bit. Not assume that things will happen because he is my boyfriend and certainly not long term plans.

I am sure I'll come back to this post when I need to think. Thanks for all the input!

OP posts:
FavouritePi · 26/02/2022 17:40

Dyspraxia can be linked to ASD, Autism and things like anxiety and depression. From his behaviour it sounds like he may have more going on than you realise, especially when you refer to the tunnel vision. Could you accept this and deal with it being who he is?

If not that, I'd think there might be someone else the way he's got up to do the washing in the middle of the night. He might think it would be a good excuse for him to leave and go back to someone else.

Mermaidwaves · 26/02/2022 18:15

@Etinoxaurus
Apologies, I misread your post Daffodil

Original poster
Kione · 26/02/2022 18:44

@Angelswithflirtyfaces

I get that after boring you want excitement, but going from one extreme to the other is not working for you, or you wouldnt be in here asking advice. Excitement isnt being kept on tenterhooks, second guessing, over analysing and looking forc reasons/excuses as to why a grown man acts this way. He is a person not a project and if it stopped being fun its ok to move on to other dates. Nothing should be this hard work. I think when people get out of a boring marriage, getting mucked about seems exciting but its actually just as hard as boring. But as soon as people here post different to what you want to hear you get a little defensive, so if that is the case prepare for a rollercoater relationship. One where you tell friends he is being a dick because (insert preferred label) or look for someone with less red flags. Treat it as a lovely rebound that made you see you need someone with a bit more spark but without the drama. You dont have to turn every relationship into the one. In my experience once you start to have these doubts its pretty much over anyway. You just delaying the inevitable.
Good advice, thanks. The fun bits are not the chaotic one, but the going out, he loves trying different food like me, socializing, binge watch series, walk the dog.., I know the chaotic bits are not fun. And I am watching this space.
OP posts:
whiteworldgettingwhiter · 26/02/2022 19:33

Hmm. If you married and had dc, it wouldn't be fun for him to resign at work every time things went wrong!

Can you talk to him? Tell him how you're feeling? His reaction might help.