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Original poster

To be upset partner left at midnight after we were in bed?

183 replies

Kione · 26/02/2022 07:48

We have been seeing each other for about 6 months, usually everything is great and we are getting to know each other's quirks.
What I love about him is that he is really sociable, friendly and does the same job as me which involves caring which I live.

He is impulsive tho, at work, for example he will hand his notice if there are decisions affecting him that he doesn't like, instead of talking through things, he then takes it back after things are discussed.

He told me he is dispraxic, diagnosed. I have learnt that when he gets focused on something it's like the only thing he "sees" like tunnel vision. I don't know how to explain this. So when this was me at the start, it was amazing. Then that stopped and he has done that with other things, a trip away, jobs, moving house... and I feel kind of left to a side.

I am trying to give as much info as I can to describe his personality.

I am moving now, have a puppy, kids, it's been HARD. He is suddenly (3 days ago) obsessed with going to the gym, and has not been there to help at times when I really needed it with the move.

He planned a trip on a whim last weekend, asked me to join him but I declined as I was very likely going to get my new house keys. The trip got canceled due to the storm and he was very "distant" after. Then he decided to join the gym and the vibe has changed a lot. I imagine I am not the recipient of his focus anymore and tried to understand this positively.

I really tried to understand his mind and tunnel vision sort of thing. Yesterday he came to mine at 8pm after work and gym and I was shattered so left move things undone. We went to bed at ten, I was watching something on tv and he woke up at 12, said he was going home to put a washing on because he had 2 days worth of gym things in the car. I told him not to put a washing so late because it's noisy. He agreed, but still left "to sort things out". I was not happy, I really still don't understand... leaving at midnight on a Friday just like that. He has told me earlier he was going to stay at mine.

I know it's difficult to form an opinion without a lot of context but I wonder if there is other people like this out there and I should know him more or call bullshit and leave him to it. I find it very confusing.

Please be kind! Thanks

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 26/02/2022 09:07

You need to set better boundaries OP.

If he had texted

  • can we meet up this weekend? Do you need a hand sorting out your house move stuff? = OK
  • I'm coming over. = not OK FO!
TracyMosby · 26/02/2022 09:08

Op, if it is still fun, keep him as a boyfriend. But you have far too much going on to be taking on essentially another child. This isnt an equal adult partnership, and nor should it be after 6 months when one of you has children, but it doesnt even have any potential to go that way.

Etinoxaurus · 26/02/2022 09:09

Eugh
You’re prioritising your want for ‘not boring’ 🥺
Your poor kids and puppy need boring.
Grow up.

SweetPotatoDumpling · 26/02/2022 09:09

My adult daughter is has dyspraxia. She dies not behave like this...at all! I very much doubt it's the dyspraxia that is causing this behaviour OP. I couldn't live with this...but it's not me in the relationship. Can you live with these traits?

BulletTrain · 26/02/2022 09:12

This is typical of ADHD, not dyspraxia. My friend who has ADHD will be sitting having coffee in the morning and by lunchtime she'll have stripped the wallpaper in the guest room or decided to soundproof the shed, only to abandon and move on when the excitement of a new project wears off.

TheBigPeach · 26/02/2022 09:15

@Alrightqueenie

He might be Dyspraxia but the impulsive and focused personality traits are more. ADHD & Autism. Dyspraxia is a developmental coordination disorder and sometimes appears alongside other conditions.
Yes my kids have dyspraxia and autism and would demonstrate traits like these at times.
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 26/02/2022 09:15

My dh is similar op. Been nearly 10 years. He gets worse and worse..
It is very lonely - and draining - being the only adult in the relationship
.

sharksarecool · 26/02/2022 09:16

I think you need to consider what any long-term future eould look like with this man. Are you prepared to eventually be financially linked together, e.g sharing a home with joint responsibility for bills, and then he might suddenly quit his job. Or fast forward a few years and he agrees take a share in school run or childcare, but then changes his mind and you have to pick up thd pieces. Would you be able to all book a family holiday together, without the risk that he'd change his mind the day before and go off to do his own thing instead.
Also, if his immediate response to problems at work is to quit his job rather than work things through, it's very likely that he will have the same approach with the relationship. Are you prepared for him to pack his bags and leave you every time you have a disagreement or argument?
It's fun to be spontaneous, but there are some aspects of life where consistency and reliability are essential. It sounds like this man hasn't figured out how to do adulthood yet, and you'd be foolish to knowingly sign to for that.

Ttcfinalbub · 26/02/2022 09:23

I don't know why people are being so harsh and instantly jumping to other women and leave him a bit shocking tbh =/
Yes it's likely going to be hard work along the way but how does he make you feel? Do you see a future with him ? The impulsiveness may make him look selfish at times but it also may involve exciting impulsive dates ! If he lived at yours already would you have been bothered if he got up at midnight because he needed something to do to occupy his mind ? He probably jist woke up knew he wouldn't get back off and decided to turn it into something productive =) my eldest is nd and often will be reorganising her room at 3 am ! I'm nt and have on many occasions got back up at 1 am to go clean the kitchen cupboards out =) have a chat with him about where he sees the relationship, he may just feel comfortable with you now so more able to be himself!

Beachbreak2411 · 26/02/2022 09:25

I kinda get him though! If he wasn’t sleeping and had things on his mind he wanted to get sorted.. better to go do them than lie there stressing about not doing them! Or even just being in his own home to wake up and crack on with things is preferable to being somewhere else! You said he wasn’t around to help you with your move.. why should he be? 6 months isn’t very long and yes it would be nice if he helped but shouldn’t be expected to!

Ttcfinalbub · 26/02/2022 09:26

Also for the record dyspraxia does not just effect co ordination and motor it effects sensory, memory, cognitive function and yes impulsively! But yes also commonly runs alongside other conditions

Original poster
Kione · 26/02/2022 09:27

Right just to clarify the text of coming over, is what we agreed but after the text exchange last night I wasn't expecting it.

He has just gone to clear the mew house for the big stuff.

I am not looking to fixing him and because it is easy to fall into a relationship I wrote this to help refocus in myself. So I will re-read and keep this thread in mind.

I really don't want my kids around the chaos. I can build a life for us and see what happens with boyfriend, but I definitely need to completely shift my focus too.

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 26/02/2022 09:27

For me I couldn’t live like that.

liveforsummer · 26/02/2022 09:28

My ex was like this. They obsess over things til they achieve it then lose interest. You probably won't return as the main focus again unless you get pregnant but that will only last til baby is born. Talking from experience here. Then the court case for access - I tested in sc reignited til he got what he wanted now he leaves his girlfriend to care for them while he sleeps all day on his days. I now watch him throwing money away on his latest schemes rather than paying me maintenance and supporting his dc. Get out now while it's early days

Ttcfinalbub · 26/02/2022 09:28

He said he would help you move he's texted at 8 am this morning on a Saturday =) maybe he realised through helping moving the things he had to do at home would be on his mind and distract him.. so he went home got organised got up early put his washing on and now has full focus to help!

Original poster
Kione · 26/02/2022 09:28

@Beachbreak2411

I kinda get him though! If he wasn’t sleeping and had things on his mind he wanted to get sorted.. better to go do them than lie there stressing about not doing them! Or even just being in his own home to wake up and crack on with things is preferable to being somewhere else! You said he wasn’t around to help you with your move.. why should he be? 6 months isn’t very long and yes it would be nice if he helped but shouldn’t be expected to!
I get him too, and helping with the move, he has been saying he'll help since I put the offer in! That's why! I am not expecting anything he has not said he'd do
OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 26/02/2022 09:29

@liveforsummer

My ex was like this. They obsess over things til they achieve it then lose interest. You probably won't return as the main focus again unless you get pregnant but that will only last til baby is born. Talking from experience here. Then the court case for access - I tested in sc reignited til he got what he wanted now he leaves his girlfriend to care for them while he sleeps all day on his days. I now watch him throwing money away on his latest schemes rather than paying me maintenance and supporting his dc. Get out now while it's early days
I will not have another child. No issues there.
OP posts:
zingally · 26/02/2022 09:36

Honestly, he is starting to show his true self - which is flighty, obsessive, and disinterested in anything that isn't currently his flight of fancy.

Things that are quirky/odd but tolerable 6 months in, quickly become odious and frustrating 1 year/5 years/10 years in. Things that bug you now, will be infuriating a year from now.

Is he HONESTLY the guy for you?

liveforsummer · 26/02/2022 09:38

But still you have dc that will be affected by this man in your life. I wasn't actually suggesting you'd get pregnant I was giving examples of what brings the focus back. Things like planning to move in together or planning an exciting trip might bring it back temporarily too. Also while I don't think his current behaviour suggests he's cheating, know that this sort of impulsive, focussed personality means new deep friendships, although rarely long lasting are likely. Frequently this is with women. Even if not physical affair, definitely can fall in to emotional category.

Glowtastic · 26/02/2022 09:39

@BulletTrain

This is typical of ADHD, not dyspraxia. My friend who has ADHD will be sitting having coffee in the morning and by lunchtime she'll have stripped the wallpaper in the guest room or decided to soundproof the shed, only to abandon and move on when the excitement of a new project wears off.
Yes my friend with ADHD does similar, piles of stuff everywhere from unfinished projects, half done jobs, constantly getting animals! She lives in chaos, I feel for her as she gets overwhelmed and so down on herself for not being like "the other mums". I have ADHD too but am less impulsive with me it's more memory and difficulties with executive functioning, I lose all the things.

My friend has invested in a professional declutterer which is helping. However she still spends impulsively on stuff she really doesn't need and it all piles up again, she can't get credit or a mortgage due to the impulsive spending. It's been tough for her. ☹️

HiJenny35 · 26/02/2022 09:40

Could it be add, yes, could it be the dyspraxia, yes, it's exactly like a friend I had who was addicted to coke so I'd watch for that. The point is more does it matter the reason, you can either see a future in this or you're wasting everyone's time. He seems to have genuine feelings for you, that's not a reason to stay together, especially as you have children. Some people don't mind quick changes others do.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 26/02/2022 09:42

I'd be ending the relationship I'm afraid.

Kate0902900908 · 26/02/2022 09:43

Dyslexia does not cause this type of behaviour. ADHD does. My sister has been in this exact relationship. He’s bored and has probably already moved on. She went round in this cycle for 2 years before realising he life style is ‘none commitment led’ it it means he commits to nothing, not you not family not a job or hobby it’s whatever whenever.
It’s not a healthy foundation for a relationship.

Jvg33 · 26/02/2022 09:45

He doesn't have kids or much responsibility. He likes to do his own thing when he wants to do it. I liked to relax in my own home when I was younger and do my own thing

Glowtastic · 26/02/2022 09:46

@HiJenny35

Could it be add, yes, could it be the dyspraxia, yes, it's exactly like a friend I had who was addicted to coke so I'd watch for that. The point is more does it matter the reason, you can either see a future in this or you're wasting everyone's time. He seems to have genuine feelings for you, that's not a reason to stay together, especially as you have children. Some people don't mind quick changes others do.
Agree with this. Have known this type of behaviour in a couple of habitual coke users.