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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset partner left at midnight after we were in bed?

183 replies

Kione · 26/02/2022 07:48

We have been seeing each other for about 6 months, usually everything is great and we are getting to know each other's quirks.
What I love about him is that he is really sociable, friendly and does the same job as me which involves caring which I live.

He is impulsive tho, at work, for example he will hand his notice if there are decisions affecting him that he doesn't like, instead of talking through things, he then takes it back after things are discussed.

He told me he is dispraxic, diagnosed. I have learnt that when he gets focused on something it's like the only thing he "sees" like tunnel vision. I don't know how to explain this. So when this was me at the start, it was amazing. Then that stopped and he has done that with other things, a trip away, jobs, moving house... and I feel kind of left to a side.

I am trying to give as much info as I can to describe his personality.

I am moving now, have a puppy, kids, it's been HARD. He is suddenly (3 days ago) obsessed with going to the gym, and has not been there to help at times when I really needed it with the move.

He planned a trip on a whim last weekend, asked me to join him but I declined as I was very likely going to get my new house keys. The trip got canceled due to the storm and he was very "distant" after. Then he decided to join the gym and the vibe has changed a lot. I imagine I am not the recipient of his focus anymore and tried to understand this positively.

I really tried to understand his mind and tunnel vision sort of thing. Yesterday he came to mine at 8pm after work and gym and I was shattered so left move things undone. We went to bed at ten, I was watching something on tv and he woke up at 12, said he was going home to put a washing on because he had 2 days worth of gym things in the car. I told him not to put a washing so late because it's noisy. He agreed, but still left "to sort things out". I was not happy, I really still don't understand... leaving at midnight on a Friday just like that. He has told me earlier he was going to stay at mine.

I know it's difficult to form an opinion without a lot of context but I wonder if there is other people like this out there and I should know him more or call bullshit and leave him to it. I find it very confusing.

Please be kind! Thanks

OP posts:

ikeairgin · 26/02/2022 09:48

@LemonRedwood

He told me he is dispraxic, diagnosed. I have learnt that when he gets focused on something it's like the only thing he "sees" like tunnel vision.

Dyspraxia affects motor skills and coordination. What you've described from him is not dyspraxia, just self-involvement and selfishness.

Dyspraxia affects more than just motor skills and coordination.

It affects executive function, short term memory, mental health, self esteem and more. Please do the research

katepilar · 26/02/2022 09:48

I think the key thing for me would be whether he is able to see that situation, ie you moving house, needs him to get out of his tunnel vision. Whether he is able to see he has issues that make it difficult other peopel to live with him and his willingness to work on it. KBT therapy or such might be able to help him if he wants to try.

liveforsummer · 26/02/2022 09:49

Agree with this. Have known this type of behaviour in a couple of habitual coke users.

I think this obsessive personality is also an addictive one - the cocaine is likely a result of the behaviour rather than the cause of it (my ex I've mentioned has had a Coke habit, used cannabis etc. Drank whisky daily for months to collect the bottles. Red Bull for the cans to make a table. At the moment according to dc it's beer - for the bottle tops to make a table top

Regularsizedrudy · 26/02/2022 09:49

He’s playing a very stupid game with his notice. Once you hand your notice in your employer doesn’t have to accept if your change your mind. But yeah he sounds like an inconsiderate idiot.

WonderfulYou · 26/02/2022 09:52

I worry you are more involved in this relationship than him.

Have you met his family and friends?
Do you go out on dates together?

Coming over in the evening and leaving after you’ve had sex is not a good sign.
I wonder how often he’s come over and left early in the morning?

I would absolutely get him to help me with the move (the more people the better) but I would also not rush into things until you know he wants the same things as you.

WonderfulYou · 26/02/2022 09:54

Agree with this. Have known this type of behaviour in a couple of habitual coke users.

That’s odd as when I was younger I met 2 men who acted like the OPs partner and I assumed it was just because we were FWB. But they both used coke and other drugs.

LemonRedwood · 26/02/2022 09:54

ikeairgin

Yes, dyspraxia is more than the two things I listed in my post. It doesn't make my second sentence untrue.

As for research, would a lifetime living with dyspraxia satisfy you? Probably not judging from your tone.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/02/2022 09:56

How could you ever inflict this mess upon your poor kids. Your standards should be much, much higher.

BarbielovesKenny · 26/02/2022 09:59

I have spent years of my career working with adults (and kids) with dyspraxia, dyslexia and ADHD.

They all come under the same umbrella. But in each person, one of those 3 is dominant. It's very rare you just have one of them.

So I'd not get hung up on which is dominant here.

However, adults with this condition need to adjust their behaviour both in the workplace and relationships.

I'd be concerned that his behaviour at work is so impulsive. He presumably likes going from one place to another- as a live in carer? - as it suits his restlessness.

I'd be concerned about his previous relationships and how long they lasted OP.

People with ADHD need very simple boundaries. They need to be told by those around them what is acceptable or not.

If you want to stay with this man you need to do some straight talking. Tell him you are worried about how impulsive he is. That it's hurtful to leave you at midnight. etc.

He may also have Asperger's, which again means he lacks empathy and only sees things from his point of view.

If this is to work for you, then you need to be very direct and set the bar high.

It sounds like hard work and I'd be looking very carefully at his past relationships history and why you would be any different.

MischievousBiscuits · 26/02/2022 10:00

I don't agree with PPs saying Dyspraxia only affects co-ordination. I have it, and its more than that to be honest.
However, it does not excuse any of this behavior. Do what's right for you OP. Don't let him make you unhappy because of how he's acting.

Original poster

Kione · 26/02/2022 10:00

@WonderfulYou

*We have been seeing each other for about 6 months, usually everything is great and we are getting to know each other's quirks. What I love about him is that he is really sociable, friendly and does the same job as me which involves caring which I live.*

I worry you are more involved in this relationship than him.

Have you met his family and friends?
Do you go out on dates together?

Coming over in the evening and leaving after you’ve had sex is not a good sign.
I wonder how often he’s come over and left early in the morning?

I would absolutely get him to help me with the move (the more people the better) but I would also not rush into things until you know he wants the same things as you.

I have met his friends that have visited, damily gave not come over yet.

We didn't have sex before he left.

He has left early when he has things to do, which has been more lately, yes.

We have dates yes, and had a lovely night away.

So I think you are a bit off track here but I appreciate your comment.

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 26/02/2022 10:01

Interesting that he’s now living with your friend after staff accommodation.
So were you “mummy” and sorted that out for him then?
You don’t want to call him boyfriend because you’re not in your 20s. Presumably he isn’t either. Yet he still can’t cope with work without repeatedly resigning. He might not like agency work, but he’s in agency work for a reason. Not your problem from a boyfriend, but think carefully about where you want this to progress to…
A husband who can’t pay his share of the rent because he quit yet again?
A stepfather who was great at taking the kids to football because that was his latest focus, but now he’s left them standing because he’s onto something else?

MischievousBiscuits · 26/02/2022 10:01

Sorry that was worded poorly- what I meant was you know if he's ultimately right for you long term. Wish you all the very best for the move

ikeairgin · 26/02/2022 10:01

@LemonRedwood

ikeairgin

Yes, dyspraxia is more than the two things I listed in my post. It doesn't make my second sentence untrue.

As for research, would a lifetime living with dyspraxia satisfy you? Probably not judging from your tone.

Same here so you'll understand why I get fed up of people generalising and fixating on one or two areas. The tone is a flat screen, make of that what you will

godmum56 · 26/02/2022 10:02

baseline is that in many ways you would be taking on another child....and from what you are saying, your need was for fun after a boring marriage and not a long term partner need.....kind of like having a weekend away where you live on champagne, canapes and marvelous cake....enjoyable for the weeked but you wouldn't want to live like it. Whatever the reasons for his behaviour, you owe him nothing but if you don't think its a long term prospect for you then please be thoughtful and don't string him along...he has a right to feel that he is more than fun after a boring marriage.

BarbielovesKenny · 26/02/2022 10:05

OP has he ever had a formal assessment that labelled him 'dyspraxic'?

If he has, it's likely that was done after many years of issues at school because (this is my work) children don't get assessed by an ed psych unless things are going very badly, educationally or socially. And as I posted upthread, dyspraxia is one of a spectrum of conditions.

I'm concerned he's given himself this label to 'excuse' bad behaviour.

How much do you know about him and his background?

How old is he now?

SartresSoul · 26/02/2022 10:05

It shouldn’t be difficult six months in and you shouldn’t be questioning whether you want to be with him or not either. Just get rid of him, he won’t change.

Hawkins001 · 26/02/2022 10:06

@Kione

We have been seeing each other for about 6 months, usually everything is great and we are getting to know each other's quirks. What I love about him is that he is really sociable, friendly and does the same job as me which involves caring which I live.

I am trying to give as much info as I can to describe his personality.

I am moving now, have a puppy, kids, it's been HARD. He is suddenly (3 days ago) obsessed with going to the gym, and has not been there to help at times when I really needed it with the move.

Please be kind! Thanks

You sure it's not an intelligence personal or military person your not dating ?

WonderfulYou · 26/02/2022 10:06

So I think you are a bit off track here but I appreciate your comment.

I think you are blaming a lot of his behaviour on his additional needs, so are allowing things that you shouldn’t.
These could absolutely contribute but I just worry that you are a bit more involved than he is.

It’s only been 6 months you’re still in the dating phase.
Take things slow and if he carries on with these sorts of behaviours, whether he can help them or not, then you know it’s not the sort of relationship you want so you’re not lost anything.

Hawkins001 · 26/02/2022 10:06

Seems from his actions, either a double life with another relationship, or James bond

Mermaidwaves · 26/02/2022 10:07

He is totally unreliable, you will spend the rest of your life having to live with his wims. He's quite cleverly got you defending him with this diagnosis and the 'tunnel vision' as this gives him a get out clause everytime he is selfish and puts you last.

I can see you're trying to be understanding OP and that's commendable but this guy will flit from one thing to another and you and your kids will have no security. The honeymoon period is over, this is the real him.

WetLookKnitwear · 26/02/2022 10:09

Good luck on moving day!

I don’t think I’d like a partner that impulsive to be honest.

Egghead68 · 26/02/2022 10:10

Ditch him. You don’t need this level of flakiness

Etinoxaurus · 26/02/2022 10:10

@Mermaidwaves, “I can see you're trying to be understanding OP and that's commendable”
Ah yes, the Be Kind narrative 🤦🏻‍♀️
Focus on you and your children @Kione

affairsofdragons · 26/02/2022 10:10

@Alrightqueenie

He might be Dyspraxia but the impulsive and focused personality traits are more. ADHD & Autism. Dyspraxia is a developmental coordination disorder and sometimes appears alongside other conditions.

I was coming on to say something similar about dyspraxia.

As for the rest of it, it sounds like he's only interested in what you can do for him, not him adding any support or value to your life.

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