To be upset partner left at midnight after we were in bed?

[Kione]

We have been seeing each other for about 6 months, usually everything is great and we are getting to know each other's quirks.
What I love about him is that he is really sociable, friendly and does the same job as me which involves caring which I live.

He is impulsive tho, at work, for example he will hand his notice if there are decisions affecting him that he doesn't like, instead of talking through things, he then takes it back after things are discussed.

He told me he is dispraxic, diagnosed. I have learnt that when he gets focused on something it's like the only thing he "sees" like tunnel vision. I don't know how to explain this. So when this was me at the start, it was amazing. Then that stopped and he has done that with other things, a trip away, jobs, moving house... and I feel kind of left to a side.

I am trying to give as much info as I can to describe his personality.

I am moving now, have a puppy, kids, it's been HARD. He is suddenly (3 days ago) obsessed with going to the gym, and has not been there to help at times when I really needed it with the move.

He planned a trip on a whim last weekend, asked me to join him but I declined as I was very likely going to get my new house keys. The trip got canceled due to the storm and he was very "distant" after. Then he decided to join the gym and the vibe has changed a lot. I imagine I am not the recipient of his focus anymore and tried to understand this positively.

I really tried to understand his mind and tunnel vision sort of thing. Yesterday he came to mine at 8pm after work and gym and I was shattered so left move things undone. We went to bed at ten, I was watching something on tv and he woke up at 12, said he was going home to put a washing on because he had 2 days worth of gym things in the car. I told him not to put a washing so late because it's noisy. He agreed, but still left "to sort things out". I was not happy, I really still don't understand... leaving at midnight on a Friday just like that. He has told me earlier he was going to stay at mine.

I know it's difficult to form an opinion without a lot of context but I wonder if there is other people like this out there and I should know him more or call bullshit and leave him to it. I find it very confusing.

Please be kind! Thanks

@Unanananana Isn’t he coming over to help the OP with dismantling the furniture, exactly as she asked him to do… but having gone home overnight to put his washing in instead of staying?

@AngelinaFibres

My brother is like this. He has ADHD.At the start of a relationship its sort of fun. Sort of. As things progress it brings chaos into the partners life and the life of the children. My brother is in his mid 50s and has a younger wife She has a child from a previous relationship. His latest obsession is cars. He has bought 4 in the last 6 months. They don't have much money . Everytime she gets home there will be a parcel with yet more bits and bobs for one of the cars. He will be bored with this by the summer and there will be another thing that takes all his money.Its exhausting Op.She has to be th adult all the time. She has to sort the boring stuff to keep a roof over their heads, make sure the child has stability. I think the sheen is wearing off the marriage

Thank you for this point of view.

Oh please , stop with the excuses and diagnosis! He's just not that into you .
Move on

He wouldn’t be for me.

He sounds unreliable and impulsive. It may be adhd but the reason doesn’t really change your decision does it?

"He only stays with me when kids are not over, but puppy IS annoying in bed!"

The impulsiveness doesn't doubt good, but the Puppy in bed doesn't sound good either OP.

I don’t think it sounds like he is seeing somebody else. But I think this is the way he is, you either accept him as he is or you don’t have to, in which case you know what you need to do.

I'm bipolar op, I don't think he is seeing anybody else. I've shared on threads here before about my tunnel vision. An idea pops into my head, a new hobby or redecorating a room and that's it. That's all I can focus on. I can literally decide that I'm redecorating the hall ( because why not?!) at 8am as I'm making a coffee and by 9 I've bought the paint and it's totally done before my Dh finished his shift at 6pm. With hobbies I can't just do an hour a week, I've got to submerge myself in it absolutely and totally. I've got to have ash the bits and start like a steam train with big ambitious projects.

I'm not easy to live with but I know my Dh adores me. He has his own flat that he escapes to for a few days if I get too much. It's not for everybody.

" He only stays with me when kids are not over, but puppy IS annoying in bed!"

The impulsiveness doesn't sound good, but the Puppy in bed doesn't sound good either OP.

(Corrected word in second post)

Mark him down as fun for a season and a nice break from the boring marriage, but not worth the long term hassle of having some petulant teenager man child to deal with, his behaviours will just become tediously annoying as time goes on and is not worth your investment imo.

Same just as @picklemewalnuts said, i could have written that word for word. I first got with my H and I was his 'special interest' and it felt like the most amazing romance ever. Now I know it was just very similar to love bombing and not in anyway sustainable or the foundation for a good marriage. His focus became everything else except me and the family we had.

Seriously, in my experience, living with that unpredictability is just not worth it. I never got that initial happiness back and everything became such a struggle. If it's like this only 6 months in I don't see how it will get better from here.

DD has a friend at university who is exactly like this. He was diagnosed with ADHD last year. The impulsivity especially stands out.

Your boyfriend may well be self absorbed also, but from the way you have described him you could be describing DD's friend.

He is impulsive tho, at work, for example he will hand his notice if there are decisions affecting him that he doesn't like, instead of talking through things, he then takes it back after things are discussed.

This would send me running for the hills. Hes not making adult decisions. You have kids and you all need stability. And by that I'm not talking about him meeting your kids, I'm talking about you even having a private relationship where the idiot flip flops around, dippings in and out and giving you stress you dont need while you are living an adult life with responsibilities.

Throw his one back. In a crisis it's clear he wouldn't be able to pick up the mantle and manage life of you were, worse case, seriously ill or supporting someone seriously ill. You can do better.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I'd worry he wasn't seeing anyone else and this is how he is, how he will always be.

Me too - a whole life of restless chopping and changing and unreliability.

Or a life of never being bored. I'm certainly not unreliable unless I'm manic/depressed. In fact I try my very hardest to be there for the people I love. Is just that I go right back to what I was doing. My house work might suffer, my brain is on fire with thinking about what I've been doing/what I'm going to do tomorrow. But the plus side is that I am absolutely brilliant at pub quizzes. My general knowledge is amazing and I can hold conversations on gardening, to ecology to geology to geophysics. And much more.

Dyspraxia is not just physical developmental delay i.e. difficulty coordinating speech or physical movements but also involves disorganised thinking. So difficulty in being an organised person is definitely part of the condition. Not impossible, but difficult and takes longer. Anyhow, lots of overlap between dyspraxia, ADHD etc.

McScreamy It has been like that, never boring, and I needed that after many boring years. I just don't know if it's good enough now.

I'd just tell him not to bother coming over tbh

@LemonRedwood

He told me he is dispraxic, diagnosed. I have learnt that when he gets focused on something it's like the only thing he "sees" like tunnel vision.

Dyspraxia affects motor skills and coordination. What you've described from him is not dyspraxia, just self-involvement and selfishness.

This! He sounds like a selfish .

This would all sound more normal behaviour of you had grown up in a neuro atypical family. Dyspraxia and ADHD are closely linked. I have a daughter recently diagnosed ADHD as a young adult. I suspect myself and my dad also have it. You have to decide if you can cope with it or not. It is not personal. Decisions are often last minute. Deadlines are left to last minute. Times of day don't matter. Our daughter would start cooking a roast at 2 am if she fancied one.
Maybe let him know why you find it difficult and see if he can control some of it for your sake.

@Looubylou

This is him OP, and what you describe fits very well with dyspraxia. The question is are you able to accept him and his quirks, or will doing so cause you and your children distress? There is no cure - though for some adults CBT can help them to manage some aspects of their condition. Bouncing out of bed at 12am, is his impulsiveness, rather than a reflection on you. Can you cope with a cycle of him "handing in his notice" to you and your children, when he is stressed by things not going his way? Only you can see how his behaviours balance out. The negative impact may get worse as he becomes more comfortable in your home/life. It's a tough one, for all of you, but your priority must be to consider the impact of his behaviours on your children.

I have dyspraxia. This does not fit with dyspraxia in any way shape or form. It has absolutely nothing to do with personality or becoming hyper focused on things. It affects your motor skills and coordination. I can’t hold a pen properly and struggled to remember my left from right.

Honest answer.

He's not a keeper. You are 6 months in and you are having serious doubts.

His behaviour is erratic, selfish and tunnel visioned. There isn't consideration for you.

It does matter the reason; regardless of him having an affair or going to the gym YOU aren't the priority.

He can have interests and priorities of his own, but if you are nothing more than a second thought or at his convenience, this relationship hasn't got the legs to go the distance.

Be honest with yourself and cut your losses.

He sounds like really hard work and it also sounds like you've got enough on your plate without having to deal with him too. Life can be difficult and exhausting enough at times. Don't invite more in.

he is impulsive tho, at work, for example he will hand his notice if there are decisions affecting him that he doesn't like, instead of talking through things, he then takes it back after things are discussed.

This alone is like 5 red flags in one.
The othrr behaviour you describe won't change and I'd find it hard/ impossible to tolerate long term.

You have children... look down the road and understand this isn't a viable set up. Ge can't offer you and your kids a future.

As a fwb set up - its fine
As a life partner deal - it's really not fine.

The dyspraxia is the poorest of the poor excuses as it’s about motor skills. He knows his behaviour is off, but he’s doing it anyway, and not taking responsibility.
You said the “vibe” has changed, and he’s “distant” if he doesn’t get to do what he wants/has planned.
It sounds like you are keen to find reasons for him behaving selfishly. ADHD doesn’t make people consistently selfish. He can see you’ve got loads on your plate, but instead of offering to help, is completely focussed on his own needs. You sound like a caring person, looking to maybe fix him. You’ve got your own responsibilities. Have you got enough space in your life for a man-toddler?

@Kione

He's just texted he's coming over

Then your reply could be "sorry, I've got things I'm sorting out, can we catch up later please?"

Aka,he shouldn't get to just text you out of the blue like that, and expect you to drop everything on his say-so.

He sounds like a pain in the arse and I'd get rid, but then again, I've got a low threshold for all that crap. He sounds out of control in his life - why do you need all that dragging you down in your life?