To be upset partner left at midnight after we were in bed?

[Kione]

We have been seeing each other for about 6 months, usually everything is great and we are getting to know each other's quirks.
What I love about him is that he is really sociable, friendly and does the same job as me which involves caring which I live.

He is impulsive tho, at work, for example he will hand his notice if there are decisions affecting him that he doesn't like, instead of talking through things, he then takes it back after things are discussed.

He told me he is dispraxic, diagnosed. I have learnt that when he gets focused on something it's like the only thing he "sees" like tunnel vision. I don't know how to explain this. So when this was me at the start, it was amazing. Then that stopped and he has done that with other things, a trip away, jobs, moving house... and I feel kind of left to a side.

I am trying to give as much info as I can to describe his personality.

I am moving now, have a puppy, kids, it's been HARD. He is suddenly (3 days ago) obsessed with going to the gym, and has not been there to help at times when I really needed it with the move.

He planned a trip on a whim last weekend, asked me to join him but I declined as I was very likely going to get my new house keys. The trip got canceled due to the storm and he was very "distant" after. Then he decided to join the gym and the vibe has changed a lot. I imagine I am not the recipient of his focus anymore and tried to understand this positively.

I really tried to understand his mind and tunnel vision sort of thing. Yesterday he came to mine at 8pm after work and gym and I was shattered so left move things undone. We went to bed at ten, I was watching something on tv and he woke up at 12, said he was going home to put a washing on because he had 2 days worth of gym things in the car. I told him not to put a washing so late because it's noisy. He agreed, but still left "to sort things out". I was not happy, I really still don't understand... leaving at midnight on a Friday just like that. He has told me earlier he was going to stay at mine.

I know it's difficult to form an opinion without a lot of context but I wonder if there is other people like this out there and I should know him more or call bullshit and leave him to it. I find it very confusing.

Please be kind! Thanks

Sounds like a dick to me. Fine if there's an excuse for being a dick, doesn't mean you have to live that life.

@Popetthetreehugger

Wow , some good and rubbish advice going on ! First it’s moving day !!! If he wants to help let him ! If you want call call him your partner ,do !!!! Who is peaches to decide when the appropriate time has elapsed ? I do think long term this all will wear thin .but your a grown woman who will do what’s right for your family. Every good wish for your new home 🏡 🥂

well said. That about sums it up. Why someone said ‘ he is just coming over, he didn’t even ask!’ is just so strange as it didn’t sound like that all. I think you sound intelligent OP and I think you show insight- you will know if this relationship has run its course.

It might be my age, 45, but lately I've found I have no patience anymore for men like this. I'm single and I am lonely sometimes and it would be nice to have someone in my life but I really can't be bothered with having to deal with someone else's issues. I probably sound cold-hearted but I've had two long term relationships which sucked the life out of me because of the other person's issues.
I'm not saying if I was with someone and they later developed physical or mental health problems that I'd bin them but if there were obviously serious problems a few months in I would end it.

Someone who has got to whatever age your partner is and hasn't yet received a diagnosis or therapy really should be looking in to that before they start a serious relationship (I appreciate that's easier said than done!). Or at least be aware that they do have a problem and have put some strategies in place themselves to help.
You are not a therapist, you are not his mother, it is not up to you to solve this. It's just going to end up getting you down and you have three children so it's just not what you need at all.

And for me the most serious thing is that he keeps handing his notice in at work as soon as something doesn't suit. You've only been together 6 months - how often has this happened? Ok, if you're just going to go on dates and shag - then maybe it's not too bad. But there's no future in a relationship with someone like this - at some point work will get pissed off with this and just let him leave, then you've got him hanging round the house (if he already lives with you) doing fuck all OR he then has an "accommodation emergency" which happens fairly often if Mumsnet is anything to go by and he needs to move in with you urgently because he's about to be homeless, whether you want him living with you or not.
One of my exes was similarly impulsive with work.... I didn't realize that it was a pattern of behaviour which had been going on for years. Each time he had a sob story as to why he left/was fired (eg. bullied by manager, made to work when ill, accidentally downloaded porn onto a work computer, worked really hard but wasn't appreciated). He moved in with me and lo and behold, a couple of months later he left his job because of something or other (can't recall what) and then proceeded to sit around for nearly 18 months doing fuck all (supposedly learning the language of the country we are in but got nowhere).

I've waffled on a bit here but OP, I'd advise caution here. Dial it back to occasional dates if you like but forget any ideas of this becoming anything serious. And if after 6 months you're not happy about a few things and the cracks are beginning to show, better to end it completely and move on.

Communication is going to be absolutely key if this is going to work OP.
Keep talking and try to understand why he does the things he does and help him to understand how it feels from your point of view. He won't necessarily be able to see how things are from your point of view - dyspraxia, adhd, asd etc are all linked and can overlap so he may have more than one or may have traits from more than one. He also may live very 'in his head'. Any relationship requires compromises, it just depends if you can both out a compromise that works for you.

@Exitoxaurus
What's with the slapped face emoji? Read my post fully! I said the guy is an unreliable flake who's not good for her or her children.

Take your Be kind bullshit elsewhere

Sounds like a bit of a pita, tbh. From boring marriage to chaotic relationship - one extreme to another. The former experience may make unpredictable and poorly thought out behaviour seem exciting for a while, but eventually it’s just an annoyance of a different type.

I have dyspraxia it means it’s harder for me to catch a ball. It doesn't mean I am rude and obsessive.

Could have written this post myself about ex boyfriend. He won't change OP. Wait until he leaves in the middle of cooking a nice dinner for him or going home in the middle of a day out with no incident taking place before it. I've no doubt ADHD and narcissism are the cause for my ex. You'll start being unable to look forward to events or parties in case he changes his mind beforehand or leaves during it. You start covering for him to others about why he hasn't turned up. You lose money on reservations made. It gets awful. My life became an unpredictable roller coaster. He was sacking his son who worked for him, then re-employing him days later. No impulse control at all.

The behaviour traits you’ve described don’t chime with my experience of dyspraxic adults or children, sounds more like he’s knobpraxic.

@MindTheGapMoveAlong

The behaviour traits you’ve described don’t chime with my experience of dyspraxic adults or children, sounds more like he’s knobpraxic.

@CallMeDaddy58 - 100% agree. My DS has dyspraxia and it has nothing to do with behaviours like this. Some of the ill informed posts on this thread are giving me the rage. It is to do with your motor skills and physical coordination.

Either way whatever “diagnosis” he has is really irrelevant. Do you want this to be your life? Maybe I’m too long in the tooth at 47 to make excuses for shitty behaviour in a partner. Been there, have the tee shirt. Never again.

Sounds like you have enough going on in your life and this guy isn’t adding much to it.

I don’t understand why you’d want someone so inconsistent in your children’s home. It doesn’t sound like it will be a long-term relationship.

I have adhd, as do quite a few of my close relatives. Does not excuse dickish behaviour, and I've seen thread after thread on mn recently conflating the two. Also seen a lot of people throwing around the term Adhd when someone is not diagnosed. Most of the time, it's when men (rather than women) behave poorly.

If you're not happy with his recent behaviour, and the honeymoon period has worn off, you may be seeing the real him. Isn't everyone on their best behaviour for the start of a relationship? Sounds like maybe he cannot give you the care and attention you deserve. Not because he may, in your opinion, have adhd. Because of his personality, and/or feelings towards you.

@FMSucks Sorry to correct you but as an educational professional, who's worked with these conditions, in many people there is co-morbidity. Dyspraxia, dyslexia and ADHD often belong together on a spectrum. One person has a dominant condition but often 2 out of the 3 to a lesser extent. Dyspraxia usually includes far more than gross and fine motor skills.

However, unless someone has a recent and valid assessment, it can be hard in adults to differentiate between bad behaviour (in a relationship) and a medical condition.

I once dating someone who used to make sudden movement while asleep in bed, cry out, and snore. Several times I left in the middle of the night to go home as I just couldn't sleep. He wasn't happy about it. Its one of the minor reasons why the relationship ended.

[quote Mermaidwaves]@Exitoxaurus
What's with the slapped face emoji? Read my post fully! I said the guy is an unreliable flake who's not good for her or her children.

Take your Be kind bullshit elsewhere[/quote]
The Be Kind critique was to the OP not you, your post was clear.

Dyspraxia has a wide spectrum and can include sensory and cognitive issues. Worryingly - perhaps because it still isn’t recognised in the same way that say, dyslexia is - I’ve noticed a significant upturn in people claiming they or their child have dyspraxia without any formal diagnosis in circumstances where there’s a perceived benefit to them. Sad but true.

He's not a "project" for you to fix (which you wouldn't be able to do anyway). He's a prospective life partner. He's showing you he isn't the sort of partner you want.

6 months in? Knock it on the head - why choose a life like this?

This sounds like chaos to me. No thanks!

For those posters who don't know what dyspraxia is, this is from the Dyspraxia Foundation.

There may be a range of co-occurring difficulties which can also have serious negative impacts on daily life. These include social and emotional difficulties as well as problems with time management, planning and personal organisation, and these may also affect an adult’s education or employment experiences.
www.movementmattersuk.org/default.aspx

The Dyspraxia Foundation adds to the Movement Matters description, recognising the many non-motor difficulties that may also be experienced by people with the condition and which can have a significant impact on daily life activities. These include memory, perception and processing as well as additional problems with planning, organising and carrying out movements in the right order in everyday situations. Although dyspraxia may occur in isolation, it frequently coexists with other conditions such as Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), dyslexia, language disorders and social, emotional and behavioural impairments

OP your boyfriend may well have this condition, but equally, he may just not be for you, and he may not function well in personal relationships.

I'd cut the ties a bit and see where it goes if you back off.

Sounds like me. I have issues with object permanence. I can forget people exist if they're not around/keeping contact up. It's only when something reminds me of them that I might remember.

Also the tunnel vision thing is a trait of neurodiversity. He is neurodiverse because he's dyspraxic and it's likely he's undiagnosed with something else under the umbrella too. You might need to change your communication style and be more forward, instead of expecting him to read "know" how to behave with you.

Or if it sounds like too much for you then it's not been long so you can end things.

It's already been said but I immediately thought ADD/ADHD.

Do you really want to bring his chaos into your kids life?

After 6 months I'd bin tbh

He seems like boyfriend or FWB material rather than partner material.

That may actually be enough for you for now or perhaps for many many years?

As someone who is neurodiverse but now very self aware (as almost 50), I would say that as long as he’s not abusive and you really like him, try to educate yourself on his condition.

However, don’t spend too long pandering to him. He might not understand why you’re annoyed with him. I have an ex (aspie) boyfriend who didn’t help at all with one of our house moves as I think he genuinely thought that it wouldn’t be that difficult because I’d hired a removals company. I think he thought that it would be easier to keep out of the way.

Explain to him why you’re unhappy with his behaviour and if he takes your advice on board then that’s a good sign. When I was younger certain things just didn’t enter my head and I had trouble seeing things from someone else’s point of view. It’s a lack of cognitive empathy (not emotional empathy - that’s what’s missing in sociopaths). It would have been helpful to have someone explain how my behaviour was affecting others although I may not have wanted to listen. If someone had told me how upset they were with me I’d definitely have listened and probably been mortified! However, not all neurodiverse people respond in this way.

If he reacts at all aggressively though it’s probably time to move on.