Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset partner left at midnight after we were in bed?

183 replies

Kione · 26/02/2022 07:48

We have been seeing each other for about 6 months, usually everything is great and we are getting to know each other's quirks.
What I love about him is that he is really sociable, friendly and does the same job as me which involves caring which I live.

He is impulsive tho, at work, for example he will hand his notice if there are decisions affecting him that he doesn't like, instead of talking through things, he then takes it back after things are discussed.

He told me he is dispraxic, diagnosed. I have learnt that when he gets focused on something it's like the only thing he "sees" like tunnel vision. I don't know how to explain this. So when this was me at the start, it was amazing. Then that stopped and he has done that with other things, a trip away, jobs, moving house... and I feel kind of left to a side.

I am trying to give as much info as I can to describe his personality.

I am moving now, have a puppy, kids, it's been HARD. He is suddenly (3 days ago) obsessed with going to the gym, and has not been there to help at times when I really needed it with the move.

He planned a trip on a whim last weekend, asked me to join him but I declined as I was very likely going to get my new house keys. The trip got canceled due to the storm and he was very "distant" after. Then he decided to join the gym and the vibe has changed a lot. I imagine I am not the recipient of his focus anymore and tried to understand this positively.

I really tried to understand his mind and tunnel vision sort of thing. Yesterday he came to mine at 8pm after work and gym and I was shattered so left move things undone. We went to bed at ten, I was watching something on tv and he woke up at 12, said he was going home to put a washing on because he had 2 days worth of gym things in the car. I told him not to put a washing so late because it's noisy. He agreed, but still left "to sort things out". I was not happy, I really still don't understand... leaving at midnight on a Friday just like that. He has told me earlier he was going to stay at mine.

I know it's difficult to form an opinion without a lot of context but I wonder if there is other people like this out there and I should know him more or call bullshit and leave him to it. I find it very confusing.

Please be kind! Thanks

OP posts:
MaltyChrome · 26/02/2022 08:07

@Kione

Yes, he is my boyfriend, I tend to say partner because of our age, boyfriend sounds like we are in our 20s.

So yeah I get that.

I'd stick with boyfriend it will help when you get the strength to leave him
Flakjacketon · 26/02/2022 08:08

As PP have said can you see yourself living like this going forward?
It almost doesn't matter whether he has ADHD or anything else for that matter - this is how he is and this won't change. You will always be walking on eggshells waiting for his next move?

Joystir59 · 26/02/2022 08:09

You need someone solid and mature, who stands at your side and provides loving support.

Original poster
Kione · 26/02/2022 08:10

@SunnyCoco

Oh god honestly, what are you getting out of this?! You have kids and a puppy, surely you have enough going on without all this added stress and uncertainty. Constantly handing in his notice, living places temporarily etc, is this what you want?
It has been great until last weekend, the living in places is because he is an agency worker (away from his home) and was living in staff accommodation, he loved the idea of moving with my friend closer to me.

He wants to settle here.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/02/2022 08:11

I'd worry he wasn't seeing anyone else and this is how he is, how he will always be.

Me too - a whole life of restless chopping and changing and unreliability.

NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 26/02/2022 08:11

Oh dear, I can see it's mildly annoying but not a massive deal?

Maybe he prefers to sleep in his own bed and not be woken by your kids (how old are they)?

As to helping with the move, how would you have managed if you did not have a boyfriend? It would be nice if he offered, but also, it's not his home and you don't live together. Normally I'd sort this alone or with friends, if BF helps good, if not, shame but not his home after all

About being obsessed with gym, yeah it can be very addictive

(I live with ADD DH and teens though, so my "normal" may be different)

ufucoffee · 26/02/2022 08:12

It was really easy to form an opinion OP. He a selfish arse. Nothing to do with ADHD. Your relationship sounds like hard work and it shouldn't be. Leaving at midnight to put a wash on? Handing his notice in when he doesn't like something? Why are you still with him?

RollingInTheDeepSouth · 26/02/2022 08:12

Hi I think YNBU that example would baffle me why he's basically woken up and left in the middle of the night when he was due to stay and was actually sleeping. It would be natural to assume it's a reflection on the relationship. The tunnel vision sounds like someone from my experience who has ADHD. The person I know who is like this would possibly do the same if he was stressed, it would be playing on his mind that he needed/wanted to do something and he couldn't settle until its done. It's normal for the early flush of a new relationship to fade and the rest of life comes back into the person's priorities but it's not nice if it feels like they've just dropped you and moved on to other focuses. It sounds like he has some nice qualities but this is a flaw, it might mean he won't always be able to be have shared priorities with you as his own focuses will take the priority. From my experience this was far worse when the person was stressed or very busy at work, it felt overwhelming to him and I was very hurt on occasions when he would almost ignore me because his mind was concentrating elsewhere. When life and work is good there aren't issues though and haven't been for a long time. Talking to each other was the key, we had lots of discussions about issues and what we expected from each other and he took things on board.

Original poster
Kione · 26/02/2022 08:14

He is literally coming over now. It feels like his actions are not malicious and he needs a bit of redirection, I see this at work, he is very likeable and works hard but being agency does unsettle him a bit.

I really don't want to make excuses, just giving context. I am not stupid and won't stick around if it's not worth it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 26/02/2022 08:14

He only stays with me when kids are not over, but puppy IS annoying in bed!

OP posts:
Unanananana · 26/02/2022 08:15

@Kione

He's just texted he's coming over Shock
Not asked if he can come over? Just told you he is?

Fuck his tunnel vision, he sounds like he is just not interested in you. Tell him not to bother coming over. You've just moved in and need to sort the house, not pander to his arse.

MaltyChrome · 26/02/2022 08:16

It feels like his actions are not malicious and he needs a bit of redirection what? He's not your employee. You can't train him to be something he's notm

Original poster
Kione · 26/02/2022 08:17

@RollingInTheDeepSouth

Hi I think YNBU that example would baffle me why he's basically woken up and left in the middle of the night when he was due to stay and was actually sleeping. It would be natural to assume it's a reflection on the relationship. The tunnel vision sounds like someone from my experience who has ADHD. The person I know who is like this would possibly do the same if he was stressed, it would be playing on his mind that he needed/wanted to do something and he couldn't settle until its done. It's normal for the early flush of a new relationship to fade and the rest of life comes back into the person's priorities but it's not nice if it feels like they've just dropped you and moved on to other focuses. It sounds like he has some nice qualities but this is a flaw, it might mean he won't always be able to be have shared priorities with you as his own focuses will take the priority. From my experience this was far worse when the person was stressed or very busy at work, it felt overwhelming to him and I was very hurt on occasions when he would almost ignore me because his mind was concentrating elsewhere. When life and work is good there aren't issues though and haven't been for a long time. Talking to each other was the key, we had lots of discussions about issues and what we expected from each other and he took things on board.
This is exactly it. Thanks! I feel understood.

I am still taking on board everything else because, yeah, I am really excited about my nee chapter.

OP posts:
Libertynan · 26/02/2022 08:18

He sounds like an added stress on your life.

Etinoxaurus · 26/02/2022 08:18

Oh get rid!
Are you so desperate you’re willing to sit around handmaidenlike? Focus on your kids- what are they learning about boundaries and your priorities. 🤔

Franklyfrost · 26/02/2022 08:19

Is he explicitly using dyspraxia as an excuse for his behaviour? I find it really strange you brought it up.

Dyspraxia may lead him to concentrate more if following spatial instructions but it’s not a condition that causes hyper focus and it certainly not going to make him get up at midnight to tidy a gym bag.

Original poster
Kione · 26/02/2022 08:20

@MaltyChrome

It feels like his actions are not malicious and he needs a bit of redirection what? He's not your employee. You can't train him to be something he's notm
I mean like when he said he was going to the gym this morning, he is constantly offering to help with things, so I said "I could do with your help tho as is the big move" he immediately said "yes of course". That's what I mean, not changing someone.
OP posts:
Looubylou · 26/02/2022 08:21

This is him OP, and what you describe fits very well with dyspraxia. The question is are you able to accept him and his quirks, or will doing so cause you and your children distress? There is no cure - though for some adults CBT can help them to manage some aspects of their condition. Bouncing out of bed at 12am, is his impulsiveness, rather than a reflection on you. Can you cope with a cycle of him "handing in his notice" to you and your children, when he is stressed by things not going his way? Only you can see how his behaviours balance out. The negative impact may get worse as he becomes more comfortable in your home/life. It's a tough one, for all of you, but your priority must be to consider the impact of his behaviours on your children.

DahliaBlue · 26/02/2022 08:21

Perhaps he just couldn't sleep and needed to get to his own bed or at least to his own place where he could occupy himself better.

Original poster
Kione · 26/02/2022 08:23

@Franklyfrost

Is he explicitly using dyspraxia as an excuse for his behaviour? I find it really strange you brought it up.

Dyspraxia may lead him to concentrate more if following spatial instructions but it’s not a condition that causes hyper focus and it certainly not going to make him get up at midnight to tidy a gym bag.

Ok. I just though that explained the ficus etc. maybe not.

My kids think he is a colleague/friend. Won't be bothered if they don't see him but he has been great help with the pup and they have seen that. But we are not at a point where this relationship is an example for them.

OP posts:
Popetthetreehugger · 26/02/2022 08:24

Wow , some good and rubbish advice going on ! First it’s moving day !!! If he wants to help let him ! If you want call call him your partner ,do !!!! Who is peaches to decide when the appropriate time has elapsed ? I do think long term this all will wear thin .but your a grown woman who will do what’s right for your family. Every good wish for your new home 🏡 🥂

Original poster
Kione · 26/02/2022 08:24

@Looubylou

This is him OP, and what you describe fits very well with dyspraxia. The question is are you able to accept him and his quirks, or will doing so cause you and your children distress? There is no cure - though for some adults CBT can help them to manage some aspects of their condition. Bouncing out of bed at 12am, is his impulsiveness, rather than a reflection on you. Can you cope with a cycle of him "handing in his notice" to you and your children, when he is stressed by things not going his way? Only you can see how his behaviours balance out. The negative impact may get worse as he becomes more comfortable in your home/life. It's a tough one, for all of you, but your priority must be to consider the impact of his behaviours on your children.
This. Thank you.
OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 26/02/2022 08:25

@Popetthetreehugger

Wow , some good and rubbish advice going on ! First it’s moving day !!! If he wants to help let him ! If you want call call him your partner ,do !!!! Who is peaches to decide when the appropriate time has elapsed ? I do think long term this all will wear thin .but your a grown woman who will do what’s right for your family. Every good wish for your new home 🏡 🥂
Thanks!!
OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 26/02/2022 08:26

Just sounds like a mess and a stress.

What stands out to me is you have left behind an unsatisfactory marriage and you’re projecting your need for a successful relationship onto this bloke - but your accumulated need and wishes are obscuring the truth a bit.

AngelinaFibres · 26/02/2022 08:27

My brother is like this. He has ADHD.At the start of a relationship its sort of fun. Sort of. As things progress it brings chaos into the partners life and the life of the children. My brother is in his mid 50s and has a younger wife She has a child from a previous relationship. His latest obsession is cars. He has bought 4 in the last 6 months. They don't have much money . Everytime she gets home there will be a parcel with yet more bits and bobs for one of the cars. He will be bored with this by the summer and there will be another thing that takes all his money.Its exhausting Op.She has to be th adult all the time. She has to sort the boring stuff to keep a roof over their heads, make sure the child has stability. I think the sheen is wearing off the marriage