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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not make the cake DS wants?

214 replies

GingerLiberalFeminist · 25/02/2022 07:47

I don't want to make the cake my DS(6 next week) has wanted for ages.

This is a little lighthearted but still! There's a bit of a back story so please bear with!

Back when covid hit, my friend(39) moved in with our family (DH, DS then 7 and DS then 4) so she wouldn't be on her own. She pays us rent and is very much part of the family. She also brought her two cats, let's call them Darcy and Freya.

I've never had cats before and I adore them. However, sadly Darcy was quite old and his back started to go. Last Aug friend made the decision to have him put down as he was suffering a lot. We got the full pet experience 😔

DS5 was particularly upset, as you would be. We had lots of conversations about how Darcy was in the clouds and happy now and not suffering. Normal grief processing We thought.

However around Sept, DS5 got into his head for his birthday he wanted a cake with with a picture of Darcy in the clouds.

Despite us resolutely not mentioning Darcy to try and dissuade him, DS's birthday is next week and the subject has arisen again. Darcy on a cloud is what he wants for his cake.

If you've made it thus far thank you! Please let me know, am I being unreasonable to not make this rather macabre cake for my DS? 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
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BuyDirt · 25/02/2022 10:30

I’d give him the cake he wants. The cat was obviously very special to him and he sounds a lovely little boy.

I would also get him a photo blanket/cushion made with the cat on. My kids have found them very comforting when they’ve lost a pet.

As long as he’s doing ‘normal’ kid stuff and seems happy then feeling a bit sad about his pet sometimes, mentioning the cat, wanting the cat to have a little part in his day on the cake, is all fine.

Soggydog · 25/02/2022 10:36

I think if you refuse (and providing your Dodger is happy with it and doesn't find it distressing) then potentially you are altering the positive perception of death that he has and almost turning it into something taboo. It's a positive start to understanding death whereas in some families it can't be discussed which isn't healthy emotionally.

viques · 25/02/2022 10:38

A six year old doesn’t really understand the concept of death, it takes time for that understanding to process, they have to work through ideas, try out different concepts in their heads.

To your child Darcey the cat is somewhere, dead but still alive, and happy on their little cloud. That’s fine, it’s what he feels about death at the moment - as adults we know the reality, he is still learning. To you it seems macabre, to him it seems perfectly logical and reasonable. Let him have his Darcey cake, and his happy memories, there will be a time in the future when his understanding of death changes, but it isn’t now.

TabithaHazel · 25/02/2022 10:40

Why wouldn't you?

PollyPage · 25/02/2022 10:42

I don't think anyone is unreasonable and just wanted to say that he sounds like a lovely little boy. Happy. Birthday!

longtompot · 25/02/2022 10:49

I was prepared to say you weren't being unreasonable but I think you are a little bit. I would just do a cake covered in pale blue fondant icing then cover it with white fondant clouds and a tiny cat sitting on one of those. I think it could look lovely and it honours his wishes.

myno5 · 25/02/2022 10:54

Yes to the cat on a cloud cake. A nice tribute to the cat.
I wouldn't say it's macabre at all- here's a macabre memorial idea.... I took DSs for passport photos and when it came up in conversation that their father had died several years previously, the photographer offered to do some photos of DSs now and photoshop in some old images of their father. I managed to stay polite whilst declining but couldn't help thinking WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT A PHOTO LIKE THAT??????

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/02/2022 10:55

Well I wouldnt but thats on the back of DD when she was 3 or 4 wanting a peppa pig cake. DAYS I spent on that cake and she loved it.

Then went completely fucking insane as the knife got closer. I dont remember whether it got cut up in the end tbh but I think probably not!

Weirdly the next year, she cheerfully cut off Iggle Piggles head herself, which in hindsight is probably more worrying.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/02/2022 10:58

ahh poor kid, unless it would really upset your friend then i would do it, I think it's lovely actually

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 25/02/2022 10:58

I think Yabu, it's not exactly that much to ask for a cat on a cloud with cake.
I think by not doing it your son will be gutted, its turning a positive way of dealing with death into a negative thing.

Just seems a bit sad when he's asking you specifically what he wants for his cake.

IcakethereforeIam · 25/02/2022 11:10

Another vote for the dead cat cake, it's not like you're going to dig it up and rent a dry ice machine! Seriously if Darcy's owner won't mind, do it (not the dig up,obviously.).

You sound like a very thoughtful, caring person. Lucky child, friend and remaining cat.

scottishnames · 25/02/2022 11:22

I think your son sounds lovely, too. I agree with icing clouds and removable cat. This might be going too far - depends on your son and how you think he might feel - but to ease any possible cutting trauma you could even have a few cotton wool 'clouds' ready close at hand for the removable cat to sit on when the time comes to cut the cake.

LittleGwyneth · 25/02/2022 11:41

'Let your child have the dead cat cake' was not sentence I imagined I would write today. Also he sounds adorable.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 25/02/2022 12:00

@myno5

Yes to the cat on a cloud cake. A nice tribute to the cat. I wouldn't say it's macabre at all- here's a macabre memorial idea.... I took DSs for passport photos and when it came up in conversation that their father had died several years previously, the photographer offered to do some photos of DSs now and photoshop in some old images of their father. I managed to stay polite whilst declining but couldn't help thinking WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT A PHOTO LIKE THAT??????
There was a thread in the last few days where a woman was very upset because a genuine photo of her baby with the woman's granny had been photoshopped by a relative to show granny with relative's baby instead, who was born after granny died. Several people were saying it is now quite common to photoshop a dead relative into a photo Shock, but they felt this went further by taking the real baby out of the picture and replacing him with another baby.

Sometimes I feel I have grown too old for the modern world.

Jamnation · 25/02/2022 12:11

ah bless him. We have Christmas tree ornaments for previous cats, it had never occurred to me that that might be macabre.

He will love you for it. I have made some really obscure cakes over the years - DS is autistic and very specific with his interests. My kids (now teenagers) remember the most niche ones with particular delight.

SugarAndCoffee · 25/02/2022 12:14

This is the stuff childhood memories are made of

LadyEloise1 · 25/02/2022 12:23

How lovely that he wants this.

Cornettoninja · 25/02/2022 12:35

@PyongyangKipperbang

Well I wouldnt but thats on the back of DD when she was 3 or 4 wanting a peppa pig cake. DAYS I spent on that cake and she loved it.

Then went completely fucking insane as the knife got closer. I dont remember whether it got cut up in the end tbh but I think probably not!

Weirdly the next year, she cheerfully cut off Iggle Piggles head herself, which in hindsight is probably more worrying.

Grin

She sounds great! Where’s that tradition about screaming when you cut a birthday cake from? I reckon she’d love that!

Zilla1 · 25/02/2022 12:43

Gone but not forgotten so unless your friend would be upset, I would and have in similar circumstances made the cake, though icing animal rather than photo topper might be in better taste.

ThinWomansBrain · 25/02/2022 13:19

make the cake - maybe let your friend know in advance, but depending on your cake decorating skills, likely to be a generic cat anyway?

Having Darcy on the cake would mean cutting through him or someone having to eat him.
we had a rabbit jelly mould when I was growing up. None of us would eat rabbit's bottom.

Pixiedust1234 · 25/02/2022 14:27

Not read all the posts but it sounds as though your son wants Darcy to be "there" at his birthday to help celebrate it since it can't be there in real life (unlike the other cat). If your friend is ok with it then you should make the cake. Children process grief in different ways so no, its not weird or macabre.

seriouslyenoughalready · 25/02/2022 15:32

Definitely make the cake for him. It’s his grief process. He wants the cat with him in some way. Not macabre at all. It’s really lovely . Don’t disregard his wishes . This will be very damaging and something he wont forget

wouldthatbeworse · 25/02/2022 16:04

Another one saying make the cake. But do come back and post a picture. RIP Darcy

PicaK · 25/02/2022 16:06

Naice ham... Penis beaker... Mexican House thief... and now... dead cat cake. Thank you op. This should be in classics.

Justkeeppedaling · 25/02/2022 16:14

I think it's a lovely idea to have a Darcy cake - but why did you tell DS that Darcy is "in the clouds"? He's not, is he? You could have just said Darcy died and is no longer in pain.
🤷‍♀️

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