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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh pissing bed drunk

472 replies

Exutant · 25/02/2022 07:11

He is 52 and went into work yesterday in London (normally wfh). Spare bedroom. I went in to see him at 6am - bed soaking with and freezing.
It's not the first time - it happens about every 6 months.
I'm so pissed off. Carrying the sheets down and the lovely matress topper that all thr guests say has made the bed so comfortable. Probably ruined.
Washing machine is thru the kitchen so the kids saw - ashamed to.say I told them "daddy has pissed the bed".
Aibu to think it's not normal?
He's trying to ignore me asking about it and even tried to get into our bed but I made him have a shower.
Now he's being all jolly with the kids and I feel seething.

OP posts:
bigyellowtractorface · 25/02/2022 09:17

Honestly, reading these replies you would think
you had pissed the bed yourself. Talk about blaming the victim. Absolutely no empathy towards a woman at the end of her tether.

I don't blame you for washing them and feeling like you want a bit of dignity in your own home. Leaving pissy sheets on would make me feel even more low and somehow complicit in the debasement of my family life. My husband doesn't piss the bed but he does have a similarly high profile job and seems to believe that he is always right and everyone else is wrong too.

Solidarity with you. Leaving a twatty husband, with whom your life is enmeshed isn't as easy as it sounds, especially if you aren't self reliant financially. I'd have mentioned in front of the kids too. I wouldn't have been able to stop myself.

oakleaffy · 25/02/2022 09:17

@Exutant
Sadly alcoholics can piss the bed.
It is revolting, your husband must pay for new bedding-
At least a new topper.

He must address his heavy drinking if he wants to save his marriage -

But he may be in denial.

Alcoholics Anonymous can perhaps help, but first he has to admit he has a problem with alcohol.

Landsender · 25/02/2022 09:17

@Exutant
I just saw your ‘ bingo’ comment. I’ve nc to post

My mum is just like you. She enabled behaviour like this when I was growing up and she still does even in her 70s now
It’s caused such a deep resentment in me and anger at the injustices and imbalance between my mum and dad growing up
It’s affected my relationships as my boundaries are so high now that I don’t accept any errors from my partners because I fear I’ll end up like my mum
I have a continued anger for both my mum and dad as she still enables, complains about my dad, but continues to run round after him. It makes me want to scream, even as an adult.
Half my siblings have anger issues and relationship issues from this upbringing.
The others are also enablers and are regularly dumped upon by awful husbands
From a child and now an adult, please please change this dynamic for your children OP

grapewine · 25/02/2022 09:18

Then take steps not to be married to this mess of a man. No money would be worth this. He doesn't respect you. Time to respect yourself and draw a line.

MiniatureHotdog · 25/02/2022 09:19

That's disgusting. He's a grown man. But I agree with pp, he's got you right where he wants you if you are the one clearing it up!

oakleaffy · 25/02/2022 09:19

@Exutant
I don’t blame you for washing the bedding either.
The smell would be grim otherwise.

oviraptor21 · 25/02/2022 09:19

Save the new mattress topper and all the nice bedding for the guests.
Make up the bed for him with a set of incontinence bedding. Then leave him to strip that bedding as required.

Migrainesbythedozen · 25/02/2022 09:20

God forbid anyone should seek advice without being told it's all their own fault for being an "enabler".

God forbid anyone on here should put out the blatant obvious truth.....

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 25/02/2022 09:20

@Migrainesbythedozen from her subsequent updates showing his demeanor, doubt it matters what time she went in there. He couldnt care less.

Yes it maybe he is fronting it out through embarrassment, so what? He is still a drunk, shameless, vile, bed wetting man who cant even apologise

LadyDanburysHat · 25/02/2022 09:21

I feel so awful. Just tried to talk to h and he said he doesn't feel ashamed as it's the least worst thing that could have happened after such a stressful week wtf.

This is horrific! Having no shame about that would be the end for me. It says quite clearly he will do it again and you will have to clean it up again. I would have zero respect for someone who takes that attitude.

Abra1d1 · 25/02/2022 09:22

@radiocity

Once every 6 months you say? I mean, it's disgusting yes but if it's only happened twice a year it's no big deal.

We all get drunk and do stupid things. My DH is a city banker - sometimes he just puts himself up in a hotel if he's been on it.

If my husband did that even once I’d regard it as a very big deal.
LakieLady · 25/02/2022 09:22

Maybe you should order him some of these, OP

www.incontinenceshop.com/drylife-slip-x-plus-medium-pack

and insist he wears them when he's had a drink.

Oh, and pay with one of his cards, don't pay for them out of the "housekeeping".

Migrainesbythedozen · 25/02/2022 09:23

[quote Landsender]@Exutant
I just saw your ‘ bingo’ comment. I’ve nc to post

My mum is just like you. She enabled behaviour like this when I was growing up and she still does even in her 70s now
It’s caused such a deep resentment in me and anger at the injustices and imbalance between my mum and dad growing up
It’s affected my relationships as my boundaries are so high now that I don’t accept any errors from my partners because I fear I’ll end up like my mum
I have a continued anger for both my mum and dad as she still enables, complains about my dad, but continues to run round after him. It makes me want to scream, even as an adult.
Half my siblings have anger issues and relationship issues from this upbringing.
The others are also enablers and are regularly dumped upon by awful husbands
From a child and now an adult, please please change this dynamic for your children OP[/quote]
Everyone attacking those of us who are purely telling the truth, NEED to read this. And then re-read it.

HotWaterAndLemon · 25/02/2022 09:23

Ending the marriage isn’t an overnight decision, however if you have had enough a little planning wouldn’t hurt.
There’s loads of good advice on this site and lots of external resources to help you get your ducks in a row.
Getting yourself a bank account in your name only, if you haven’t already. Creating a little pot of money if possible. Taking copies of important paperwork. Understanding the family’s financial situation a little better. Pension provisions. Mortgage situation etc.
I probably wouldn’t suggest free legal advice given your husband’s occupation but there’s plenty of resources online. Clear your search history regularly.

Oh and Al anon and the like offer support for partners too.

RosieTheHat · 25/02/2022 09:23

Wow. Can people please stop having a go at the OP. She has asked one question but I see so many posters unpicking her life and having a go at her.
@Exutant No, it isn't normal. I would be concerned about his drinking habits and why he isn't apologising for his behaviour.

Justilou1 · 25/02/2022 09:24

Pity you didn’t video yourself walking in on that, or his response to you.

Phobiaphobic · 25/02/2022 09:24

'Make him pay' won't work, so I will have to buy it from housekeeping. Then I'll be short but he will have to top it up. I'm sahm so all money comes from him

OP, I don't mean this unkindly, but is this a joke? I haven't heard anything like this since for about 30 years. Housekeeping? Why don't you have joint accounts and access to all the money? You're not his sodding employee on a wage.

Walkaround · 25/02/2022 09:24

In a way, pissing the bed isn’t the worst thing, as he says. It sounds from what you say (shouting at colleagues, being massively stressed, being the only source of family income) as though he is at risk of a proper breakdown. He is not really coping well with anything in his life atm, is he? You both sound trapped in an undesirable situation, teetering on the edge of everything going tits up.

GeneLovesJezebel · 25/02/2022 09:24

As well as getting your own bank account, have any child benefits paid into it.

Mooloolabababy · 25/02/2022 09:24

That's shit op, sorry you have to put up with that.
Who stays in the spare room most? Your friends/family or his friends/ family? I'd be tempted to just get rid of the mattress and tell him that it needs replacing. It may mean that people can't stay for a while until he replaces it, you said that his mum comes to stay, could you say that you're waiting for him to buy another mattress before she can come and stay again and then therefore the ball is in his court?

Cocomelonearworm · 25/02/2022 09:24

@Migrainesbythedozen

God forbid anyone should seek advice without being told it's all their own fault for being an "enabler".

God forbid anyone on here should put out the blatant obvious truth.....

Ok well done you for making your point so clearly. I'm sure OP will now see the error of her ways Hmm
Spidey66 · 25/02/2022 09:26

@Crazykefir

It's normal for alcoholics.
That's my understanding as well. To be so out of it on alcohol that a full bladder doesn't wake you up-then to carry on sleeping in a wet bed-that to me screams alcoholic.
SnowySnowSnow · 25/02/2022 09:27

I’d give him a break, it’s not like it happens every Saturday night and I’m sure he’d rather it hadn’t happened.

HotWaterAndLemon · 25/02/2022 09:27

All these comments “tell him to take some sick leave” or “make him pay his salary into the joint account”… have you ever lived with someone in complete denial? Or someone with an issue with alcohol? Or someone who is financially controlling? You can’t just “tell them” or “make them” do anything.

girlmom21 · 25/02/2022 09:28

@SnowySnowSnow

I’d give him a break, it’s not like it happens every Saturday night and I’m sure he’d rather it hadn’t happened.
Then he should have got up and cleaned himself up before OP even found him in that state.

It's not the first time it's happened and he hasn't addressed the issue. He's just carried on as normal.