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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh pissing bed drunk

472 replies

Exutant · 25/02/2022 07:11

He is 52 and went into work yesterday in London (normally wfh). Spare bedroom. I went in to see him at 6am - bed soaking with and freezing.
It's not the first time - it happens about every 6 months.
I'm so pissed off. Carrying the sheets down and the lovely matress topper that all thr guests say has made the bed so comfortable. Probably ruined.
Washing machine is thru the kitchen so the kids saw - ashamed to.say I told them "daddy has pissed the bed".
Aibu to think it's not normal?
He's trying to ignore me asking about it and even tried to get into our bed but I made him have a shower.
Now he's being all jolly with the kids and I feel seething.

OP posts:
Floydthebarber · 25/02/2022 09:28

It can be something the follows heavy drinking. The issue is him drinking that much to get to that state, knowing it happens and still getting that drunk.

Don't involve kids though.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 25/02/2022 09:30

OP, this is really horrible for you.

How would you feel about it all if everything was the same minus the pissing?

Would the level and frequency of his being drunk be a concern?

How is he as a H aside from the pissing?

Are you worried about his MH and stress at work? Is it time to talk about changing your lifestyle, addressing his stress?

People are different when drunk. Some are violent and aggressive, others collapse in a sentimental sobbing heap, some piss in the bed / wardrobe. It’s horrible to deal with and bad that he doesn’t consider how horrible it is for you.

But it’s one piece of a wider unhappy jigsaw.

What’s your feeling about the best overall way forward?

Aquamarine1029 · 25/02/2022 09:30

Your marriage is already over. The kids are in school so get a job and start saving your money. You're going to need it.

VodselForDinner · 25/02/2022 09:30

Oh OP, this sounds awful. You sound so beaten down by him.

I get the cleaning of the sheets thing. You already have an awful husband, why let him damage your nice things even further?

I know you said that separation would be messy, but you can’t go on like this. He has so much contempt for you. That’s no life.

I grew up with a degree like that. Not an alcoholic, but the way he treated my mother in terms of the house was awful. It really does impact you as a child, and you take that into adulthood. It sounds like your children are hearing and seeing things they shouldn’t.

Do you love him?

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 25/02/2022 09:31

Telling the truth/Telling it like it is/Stating the obvious or what ever you want to call it ....

This may be something which needs saying to someone in OPs situation but not when she is in the thick of coping with the situation. Specific, practical words of advice and a a bit of compassion will be more likely to galvanise the OP into action, not kicking her when she's down.

Like I said, those posters aren't wrong that these things end to be said but FFS read the room Confused

Oh and when OP commented about a previous poster being lame, I interpreted that quite rightly as a response to being asked "Are you that lame?"or similar words to such helpful, supportive effect. It's perfectly possible to not mince your words and encourage OP to start getting the ducks in a row without being a knob.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 25/02/2022 09:33

I really thing some MNers come onto threads just like this to put the boot in. Angry

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 25/02/2022 09:33

I agree with @Clymene…it’s not normal.

My husband has in the past had issues with drink and he’s never pissed the bed!

mam0918 · 25/02/2022 09:33

I dated a wino like that, it wasn't even a serious relationship as he was always pissed.

One day for the uncountable-ith time he pissed the bed and the penny dropped that I was just his free carer, I just got up without saying a word, walked out and never went back.

I don't even think he notice I left and I never heard from him again.

He's the only fully grown adult I have ever encountered that pissed the bed bar patients (I worked in care) and if they did it was an accident usually because carers weren't quick enough and they genuinely need help.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/02/2022 09:33

@HotWaterAndLemon

All these comments “tell him to take some sick leave” or “make him pay his salary into the joint account”… have you ever lived with someone in complete denial? Or someone with an issue with alcohol? Or someone who is financially controlling? You can’t just “tell them” or “make them” do anything.
You can divorce them though.
Original poster
Exutant · 25/02/2022 09:34

[quote Landsender]@Exutant
I just saw your ‘ bingo’ comment. I’ve nc to post

My mum is just like you. She enabled behaviour like this when I was growing up and she still does even in her 70s now
It’s caused such a deep resentment in me and anger at the injustices and imbalance between my mum and dad growing up
It’s affected my relationships as my boundaries are so high now that I don’t accept any errors from my partners because I fear I’ll end up like my mum
I have a continued anger for both my mum and dad as she still enables, complains about my dad, but continues to run round after him. It makes me want to scream, even as an adult.
Half my siblings have anger issues and relationship issues from this upbringing.
The others are also enablers and are regularly dumped upon by awful husbands
From a child and now an adult, please please change this dynamic for your children OP[/quote]
Sorry you are still angry with your parents.

But how do you know wouldn't have been angry and got issues if they had spilt up.

That is also very harmful to families and I have lots of friends who have ongoing issues in adult from their parents splitting up.

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 25/02/2022 09:35

Tell his mother that the weird smell is when her son pissed the bed.

BantersaurusSex · 25/02/2022 09:35

@Exutant I'm sorry that so many people are piling in with 'enabler' comments.

I do think he should have dealt with the horrible wet sheets, but I can also see why you did it.

I can also see why you can't "get him to pay" (this is the kind of comment that only people can make who don't share their finances with their partner - which I personally think is a huge error). I also very much doubt your husband has extra cards or savings if you have three lots of school fees (been there, done that). Some people simply can't comprehend the idea of completely shared finances being anything other than "financial abuse".

All that said: wetting the bed suggests either an alcohol problem or a medical problem. Either way, he needs to see a GP, though it might not be easy to convince him. Perhaps the suggestion could be made in your counselling session, as it might be more difficult for him to waft it away in that situation.

I do feel for you, and I hope you can find a way through all of this. FWIW, I have been through a financially complicated divorce, and it was pretty awful, but the outcome has been nowhere near as bad as I feared it would be. So don't despair if you do decide that you have no other option.

girlmom21 · 25/02/2022 09:36

@Exutant kids don't get screwed up by their parents separating. They get screwed up by toxic situations.

Your situation is toxic. Separating wouldn't harm them anymore than living with an alcoholic father who treats their mother like a skivvy.

Soffana · 25/02/2022 09:37

That does sound terrible, he should act as he is ashamed even if he is not.

But I can imagine he feels very stressed by the burden of being sole provider of all those things the family needs.

Why can't you work?

Original poster
Exutant · 25/02/2022 09:37

@VodselForDinner

Oh OP, this sounds awful. You sound so beaten down by him.

I get the cleaning of the sheets thing. You already have an awful husband, why let him damage your nice things even further?

I know you said that separation would be messy, but you can’t go on like this. He has so much contempt for you. That’s no life.

I grew up with a degree like that. Not an alcoholic, but the way he treated my mother in terms of the house was awful. It really does impact you as a child, and you take that into adulthood. It sounds like your children are hearing and seeing things they shouldn’t.

Do you love him?

I don't think so
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 25/02/2022 09:38

@Exutant please think about what advice you'd give your children if they ended up in the situation you're currently in.

People are angry on your behalf here. They're not trying to have a go. They're trying to help you find your anger.

Averyproperteaparty · 25/02/2022 09:38

@radiocity

Once every 6 months you say? I mean, it's disgusting yes but if it's only happened twice a year it's no big deal.

We all get drunk and do stupid things. My DH is a city banker - sometimes he just puts himself up in a hotel if he's been on it.

Blimey you’re very tolerant. If my husband did this twice a year he’d no longer be my husband. We don’t all get drunk and do stupid things either.
arethereanyleftatall · 25/02/2022 09:39

[quote girlmom21]@Exutant kids don't get screwed up by their parents separating. They get screwed up by toxic situations.

Your situation is toxic. Separating wouldn't harm them anymore than living with an alcoholic father who treats their mother like a skivvy. [/quote]
This. Absolutely this.

bubblesbubbles11 · 25/02/2022 09:39

"he is a city lawyer and quite stressful job. I just don't think he's coping at all"

If you still love him, don't you think you owe it to yourself and him to have an honest conversation along the lines of "do you want to have a career change and/or give up your job, I will support you"

Even if that means significant life changes for all of your family.

If you don't do this and he is not given the chance to remove the major stressor in his life, then it could go one of a number of ways including possibly his drinking and the side effects becoming materially worse to the extent that he loses his job anyway, or he just carries on on a functional level but acts out in some other way (eg has an affair because he can/can get away with it) or he takes some other risk because he no longer cares.

You are not responsibile for his decision to make major life changes but do you not think you should have the conversation with him? At best you are just going to end up having contempt for him which is a death knell to a relationship.

GreyCarpet · 25/02/2022 09:40

You're absolutely right, the entire situation is the OP's fault, because woman.

What a silly comment.

No one has said its her fault he regularly gets drunk and pisses the bed.

But it is her choice to put up with it.

She could kick him out/leave him and that would solve her problem immediately.

Burgoo · 25/02/2022 09:40

Have you told him how mad you are at him about it? I always say, don't make the assumption people know. And also don't be shaped to avoid saying it by either being ignored or the other person getting defensive. Stand your ground!

Why are you doing the cleaning up and washing? What reason does he have not to do this again? There MUST be an aversive consequence.

pollygartertidywife · 25/02/2022 09:40

@Lime37

How old are the children?? At 52 I think they are probably a bit old to be calling him daddy
What a weird remark. !

I am 58 and ex DH 59. Dc 27,25 & 23. Their father has always been referred to as daddy.
My mother called my DGM mummy into her 70s. Mine call me mummy. Didn't realise their was an age cut off for terms of endearment to parents. !

arethereanyleftatall · 25/02/2022 09:40

[quote girlmom21]@Exutant please think about what advice you'd give your children if they ended up in the situation you're currently in.

People are angry on your behalf here. They're not trying to have a go. They're trying to help you find your anger. [/quote]
And this!! Absolutely. Everyone has the same end goal in this thread - to help the op.

Bluetrews25 · 25/02/2022 09:40

Sorry you are going through this, OP.
What can you do to change your situation? (You can't change him, you can only control you, as you will be well aware.)
Get a job?
Counselling just for you?
Go to Al-Anon?
Make plans to leave with set dates?

FangsForTheMemory · 25/02/2022 09:41

@GeodesicDome

I just cant....

You DH pisses the bed twice a year and you clean up after him?

Fucking hell.

This. Deal-breaker.