Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh pissing bed drunk

472 replies

Exutant · 25/02/2022 07:11

He is 52 and went into work yesterday in London (normally wfh). Spare bedroom. I went in to see him at 6am - bed soaking with and freezing.
It's not the first time - it happens about every 6 months.
I'm so pissed off. Carrying the sheets down and the lovely matress topper that all thr guests say has made the bed so comfortable. Probably ruined.
Washing machine is thru the kitchen so the kids saw - ashamed to.say I told them "daddy has pissed the bed".
Aibu to think it's not normal?
He's trying to ignore me asking about it and even tried to get into our bed but I made him have a shower.
Now he's being all jolly with the kids and I feel seething.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 25/02/2022 09:00

I know adults who refer to their parents as mummy & daddy. What’s wrong with that?

I realise that this is a bit of a derail, but where I live you absolutely would get the piss ripped out of you if you called your parents mummy and daddy as an adult.

Teenylittlefella · 25/02/2022 09:01

@nearlyspringyay

The children are 52 and 49? So he's what 70 odd and getting pissed up with work?

Who are the 3x school fees for?

The OP was being sarcastic about her kids' ages in response to someone's ridiculous comment about her children probably being too old to say "daddy".
Migrainesbythedozen · 25/02/2022 09:02

@RampantIvy I agree with you. I don't think posters having a go at the OP can get their heads around being with someone who just won't clear up a mess like this. There are only two options here - she either washes the bedding or it stays on the bed and stinks the house out

I think you are missing the point. The OP deliberately woke him up early this morning, tossed him out of the bed to get the sheets. He most likely would have taken them off when he woke up and got up, but he didn't get the chance. Because she got him up at stupid o'clock to do it, then complained that he tried to get in her bed, well he she woke him up, so......

The point is, she could have left it few hours and let him get up himself. She chose to go in at 6am and kick him out of the bed. No drunk person is going to naturally wake up at 6am. She never even gave him a chance to wake up and clean himself up and take them off the bed then. As the daughter of a late alcoholic, I empathise with her and her children, I really do. But she is honestly making a rod for her own back, she is enabling him and she is making it much worse.

TempName01 · 25/02/2022 09:02

So what would he have done if you had said ‘get those sheets in the wash and order a replacement topper and mattress protector for this bed’. What would he do if he lived alone or if you were away?

Original poster
Exutant · 25/02/2022 09:03

@Cocomelonearworm

Why on earth are people picking on the OP?! Mumsnet is so weird sometimes.

I would be massively pissed off too. Not so much at the wetting the bed (although that is gross) but about his attitude afterwards. It's something he should be apologetic and repentant about. Unfortunately there's a certain breed of alpha male who feel that showing any hint of regret is a sign of weakness so they just bluff it out.

I don't blame you for cleaning it up OP, I wouldn't want that just sitting there either.

The best thing to do is probably to stay extremely calm but tell him that he needs to pay to replace the bedding and that you're not cleaning up like that after him again so he'll either have to replace it again or clean it himself. If he has to do one of those things every time he might think twice. I'd also buy a waterproof mattress protector if it's likely to happen again.

Sympathy ... he sounds hugely disrespectful and if you're already seeing a counsellor I'm guessing there are wider issues at play. Hope you find a way forward.

I feel so awful. Just tried to talk to h and he said he doesn't feel ashamed as it's the least worst thing that could have happened after such a stressful week wtf.

One day he worked from 6am to 1pm with only a few breaks. He was shouting down the phone to someone at work, who I heard replying in shocked manner.

He's clearly not managing but he can't see any other way.

Horrible to be married to a mess.

OP posts:
dollymuchymuchness · 25/02/2022 09:03

I’m so sorry to read this, it’s an awful situation @Exutant 💐

You need to separate from this abusive man. He’s financially abuse and emotionally abusive. You deserve better.

See a divorce lawyer and get things moving.

BuyDirt · 25/02/2022 09:04

The people I’ve known that do this are alcoholics, both functioning, and not so functioning.

He doesn’t take responsibility and clean up after himself, isn’t sorry and grateful to you, won’t discuss things with you unless he wants to. I wouldn’t be sticking around both for my sake and the children’s. I hope you’re ok.

Shuffleuplove · 25/02/2022 09:04

Then don’t be married to a mess

LakieLady · 25/02/2022 09:04

And sadly I never have his full attention if its something he doesn't want to discuss

While pissing the bed is disgusting, this is actually more concerning. By not listening to you when you talk about issues in your relationship and not engaging fully in such discussions, he's treating you with contempt imo. Your feelings, your opinions, mean little to him.

And I'd be telling him that next time he's out late enough for you to suspect he's pissed, you'll be double locking the doors, so he'd better book a hotel and piss in their beds instead.

I've been in relationships with some heavy drinkers in my time, and my XH regularly got absolutely stocious, but never have any of them pissed the bed.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 25/02/2022 09:04

How do you 'get' someone to pay for something if he doesn't want to?

Would he really refuse to pay for a new mattress and topper? If so, I'm not sure why you'd want to be with him.

BoodleBug51 · 25/02/2022 09:05

I'd be airing the mattress in the front garden, and all the sheets would have gone in the bin and new ones ordered using his money. From The White Company.

His behaviour is appalling but you're also enabling it.

Coffeetree · 25/02/2022 09:05

You're absolutely right, the entire situation is the OP's fault, because woman.

RampantIvy · 25/02/2022 09:06

I agree that she should have left him lying in it @Migrainesbythedozen, but if he still wouldn't dtrip the bed I would have done so.

and he said he doesn't feel ashamed as it's the least worst thing that could have happened after such a stressful week wtf.

This sounds bad. It sounds like he needs to take some sick leave and get himself sorted out.

Original poster
Exutant · 25/02/2022 09:06

@Coffeetree

You're absolutely right, the entire situation is the OP's fault, because woman.
Bingo.
OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 25/02/2022 09:07

@Crazykefir

It's normal for alcoholics.
It is. My ex husband is an alcoholic. He didn't pee in the bed . He used to get up in the night and assume he was in the bathroom . He would pee all over the floor and the pile of clothes he had taken off. Any adult, without medical issues, who pees anywhere other than the toilet is disgusting
AFS1 · 25/02/2022 09:09

I’m sorry, OP. The fact that he doesn’t even feel ashamed about it is shocking.

Clearly a lot for you to talk about in your upcoming guidance counselling session, but in your position I would be thinking about an exit plan.

Good luck

Migrainesbythedozen · 25/02/2022 09:09

@LavenderAskew

What you need to discuss I counselling is why he'd let the house smell pissy for weeks.

The issue of you washing the sheets isn't a derail. Because you did it because you know he won't. That's the issue.

he'd let the house smell pissy for weeks.

Who said he'd do that?

Because you did it because you know he won't.

How do we know he won't? He didn't even get the chance! She went in his room at stupid o'clock (6am, when he had been heavily drinking so obviously wasn't going to be getting up at that time) and kicked him out of the bed to get the sheets. For all we know he would have got up at 9:30am like she said, took the sheets off and cleaned himself up. But he didn't get that chance because she did it at 6 am in the morning! All she had to do was let him sleep 3 more hours and he could have done it himself.

Georgeskitchen · 25/02/2022 09:09

Twice in 6 months? Not nice but not exactly a daily occurrence. I would make him sort it out but maybe forgive him for maybe being under a shit load of pressure in a stressful job?

Eddielizzard · 25/02/2022 09:10

This is intolerable. Bring it up in marriage counselling, but if he can't see how badly he's behaving then I think you need to think about extricating yourself and protecting your children.

Cocomelonearworm · 25/02/2022 09:13

@Coffeetree

You're absolutely right, the entire situation is the OP's fault, because woman.
Quite. God forbid anyone should seek advice without being told it's all their own fault for being an "enabler".
Jumpingintomenopause · 25/02/2022 09:15

@Exutant you have done nothing wrong!

Your husband should be ashamed of himself, the fact that he isn’t is not your fault.

Changing the sheets so the house won’t smell of a grown man’s piss whilst he’s happy to lay in it is not your fault.

Having little idea about family finances because your husband is controlling them and won’t discuss is also not your fault.

To separate would involve changes, but you need to weigh up if your current existence is better than one without him, albeit in a smaller house/state education perhaps.
Savings, investments, pensions, mortgage information… that’s what I would be hunting for.

Migrainesbythedozen · 25/02/2022 09:15

@hangrylady

OP I think the reason that posters are so focused on you cleaning the sheets is because it really is outrageous that your husband didn't do it. If my DH pissed the bed he'd be so embarrassed and apologetic and would wash them immediately, even though he's generally not great with pulling his weight with housework. People are shocked because it's shocking that he would treat you like this.
@hangrylady In all fairness we don't know he wouldn't have stripped the bed when he woke up and cleaned himself up. OP went in there at 6am! She kicked him out of the bed at 6am so he didn't exactly get a chance to do it. Clearly when someone has been drinking they aren't going to get themselves up at 6am if they don't have to, and are fast asleep.
Wheresthebeach · 25/02/2022 09:16

Well his reaction to it isn't good is it?

Glad your going to marriage counselling. The 'housekeeping' also sounds very odd. You need to get to the bottom of the financials and not be given 'housekeeping'. His salary into one account, all bills come out of it and then you know what's left over for spending. You must have full access to the money.

He's not coping with the stress, and making excuses for his awful behaviour. He needs help. Pissing the bed isn't normal, and he's drinking very much to excess.

I've not seen anything about how much he drinks each week - you might want to keep an eye on that. At this rate, alcoholism, or a breakdown aren't out of the question.

Don't involve the kids, they don't need that info.

LadyPropane · 25/02/2022 09:16

I would tell him that he needs to take some sick leave or annual leave and address his mental health immediately. It is impacting you and the kids and it can't continue.

I could only have sympathy and be supportive if he actually acknowledged that there is a problem and started taking steps towards positive change. He needs to do something, even a small thing, to show willing, otherwise he's just treating you like shit because he can.

babyjellyfish · 25/02/2022 09:16

Oh, OP.

My heart aches for you.

This is not a happy marriage.

What will it take for you to call it a day?

Nothing about his behaviour is acceptable.