Dh pissing bed drunk

[Exutant]

He is 52 and went into work yesterday in London (normally wfh). Spare bedroom. I went in to see him at 6am - bed soaking with and freezing.
It's not the first time - it happens about every 6 months.
I'm so pissed off. Carrying the sheets down and the lovely matress topper that all thr guests say has made the bed so comfortable. Probably ruined.
Washing machine is thru the kitchen so the kids saw - ashamed to.say I told them "daddy has pissed the bed".
Aibu to think it's not normal?
He's trying to ignore me asking about it and even tried to get into our bed but I made him have a shower.
Now he's being all jolly with the kids and I feel seething.

@OhJesusEffingChrist

You're saying that's he's 52 And then you say that you're children are 52 and 49? Have I read that correctly?

Are you serious? Jesus effing Christ indeed! Do people honestly have such low skills of comprehension? I always thought they were just being facetious with posts like this. Do you think maybe that post by OP about their ages was sarcastic?

[quote girlmom21]@Exutant kids don't get screwed up by their parents separating. They get screwed up by toxic situations.

Your situation is toxic. Separating wouldn't harm them anymore than living with an alcoholic father who treats their mother like a skivvy. [/quote]
This a thousand times over.

It wasn't my parents splitting up that harmed us, it was the situation we lived in before they separated that caused the damage!

Totally agree @tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz

"I can see you are getting frustrated by people's responses to this but I think it's because your perspective on it are so skewed and far from normal.

When my son was in reception, another mother asked me how I stopped him from climbing on the dining table and wrapping himself up in the curtains. I couldn't answer her. Because my son had never done it. We had rules and boundaries in place that were enforced and so a lot of the parenting issues she was dealing with just weren't an issue for any of the other parents."

Absolutely this

OP I think you're a bit blinded by the whole 'my husband is a big clever lawyer and my role is making everything at home perfect to reflect that' thing I see a lot

I'm a lawyer. My husband is a lawyer. Most of what we do is glorified admin. Don't fall for the hype.

OP if your husband is 52, can you live with this for another 30 or 40 years?

You only get one life.

If the kids are old enough to be at school I would be getting a job myself and beginning the process of separating by getting my ducks in a row. It's no excuse but he is in a high pressure job and paying 3 sets of school fees and everything else is all on his shoulders. I expect it's difficult mentally to know that the whole lifestyle relies on your job, especially if you are beginning to find the job expectations hard to meet.

That doesn't mean he shouldn't sort out his drinking with the specific aim of never losing control of his bladder again, or that you are wrong to be disgusted.

This thread is a bit of a pile on. I want to give you a big hug OP. Do you have pals in real life you can offload to and get support from?
I grew up in a family home where there was loads of conflict about money and alcohol. They divorced when I was 6 but I remember it all. Please think about small steps you can take, hopefully with support of your friends, to get onto a more secure financial footing, whether that be working yourself, getting advice on separation, or whatever that may be. Good luck OP x

I agree with this, if I only have to take one advice from my deceased DD is to always have some income coming for yourself, even if you only work half day a week, being completely dependent on your husband is never a good idea and this post shows why

He's a city lawyer but you will have to go short to replace a mattress topper?
There's more at issue than than a (disgusting) wet bed.
I'm guessing there are other problems too.

@GreyCarpet

Clearly, some posters lack empathy for the shitty situation the OP finds herself in.

I think it's more that the majoirty of posters wouldn't find themselves in this situation because they'd leave. She hasn't 'found herself in this situation' she's choosing to be in it.

Have you never found yourself in a situation and then decided to take action (in this instance booking relationship counselling) and then be criticised for the choices you've made?

Or seen a friend struggling to unravel a relationship where finances, jobs, children and all manner of other things will make a separation complicated?

How about some sympathy or support. How about not taking the opportunity to knock someone's self esteem and imply she's not as good as someone who ups and leaves at the first sign of difficulties in her marriage.

She is trying to address this. She's going to counselling next week. She's on here asking for advice.

But how do you know wouldn't have been angry and got issues if they had spilt up.

That is also very harmful to families and I have lots of friends who have ongoing issues in adult from their parents splitting up.

Wow.....you have just lost me there (am sure you could not care less) what a terrible comment. The poster has just opened her heart to you, and you have pissed on her heartbreak with "your anger issues may have happened anyway".

I would take a step back from this thread if I were you, and stop attacking people for giving their viewpoints. You are hurt and lashing out at the wrong people - those trying to help you to see that financial worries () are not an excuse to put your children through this . They wont forget you saying "your dad has pissed the bed". So now YOU are complicit in the whole awful situation by bringing them into it.

Perhaps the type of woman who won't (cant?) separate will also cope less than perfectly after a failed marriage and still not live up to their children's expectations?

I felt so sad reading your posts Exutant. At first I thought it was just about the incontinence and then I realised that there were other things that make your situation seem even more difficult.

I understand that he may feel embarrassed at what has happened but he should have changed the bed himself and ordered a new mattress and topper.

Telling you that it was not the worse thing that happened at work this week comes across as trying to put you in your place, as if you could have no idea of work pressures as a SAHM. It also seems to be about emphasising that he sees himself as more important than you. I know he has a stressful job but when you overheard that phone call, did you feel that he treats his work colleagues in as cavalier a fashion as he does you?

When you refer to housekeeping and not knowing exactly how much is going on investments, savings etc, it smacks of financial control. You should have an account that you can use to cover emergencies like replacing mattresses and bedding.

You mention the marriage counselling meeting next week. It sounds as if this was not just an one off unpleasant experience but that there are more deep rooted problems.

That is also very harmful to families and I have lots of friends who have ongoing issues in adult from their parents splitting up.

OP, I have to pull you up on this. Take it from someone who has been there: raising children in a house where there is alcohol abuse or other addiction is many, many times worse than splitting up. My DDs are still in therapy years after I finally split from my alcoholic husband (who did also have massive issues with stress, depression and low self esteem which is refused to deal with). Staying together is not the lesser of two evils here.

@pollygartertidywife The comment by @Lime37 was all the weirder because what her mangled sentence structure said was that the child was 52. The OP's response was a very good one.

@Exutant I used to tell my mum to leave my dad even as young as 11. I wish she had.
She is such a fun, vibrant person and I wanted her to be happy. I wish with all my heart she left.
I’m angry with her for putting up with it, I’m angry that she never stood up for herself, I’m angry with my dad.
Initially, I placed all the blame with my dad but as an adult realised she’s enabling it which has made me angry at her
It’s no role model for your children op.

I imagine the op’s first reaction at 6am was to be furious with her dh and to want to create some order in a desperately disordered situation, not to let her dh sleep happily on till whenever, to then see if he made any attempt to clean up. As he tried to get into their bed without showering, I wouldn’t have much confidence in his hygiene standards. Would he even have washed his hands after handling the sheets, even if he had put them in the wash? It’s damage limitation which often makes people clean up after others, rather than subservience.

Processing this a bit more, you’ve been married for, say, 20 years, so you know him pretty well. Is he a senior partner and is his job under threat by the going guns coming up the ranks? If he’s a partner, are things not looking rosy business wise because of external factors? Was he working crazy hours before and now his stress has been exacerbated by covid/Brexit/Russia etc? Are you going to counselling because he was away 90% of the time pre-covid, now he wfh the cracks are showing which could be dismissed before? Apols if this is prying too much but it might have an impact on what you do going forward.

You can carry on as normal

You can adjust your life to accommodate this

You can get your ducks in a row and look into separating.

What is it that you actually want to do? If it’s “carry on with my life without the stinky sheets” then do as PP and I have said, DH bedding and guest bedding.

If it’s “live my life without DH in it” then you know what to do.

@Crazykefir

It's normal for alcoholics.

I was coming to say this. My ex was an alcoholic. Pissed the bed on a weekly basis, if not twice / thrice a week.

You're enabling him because he doesn't have to clean up his own mess. Disgusting.

@Exutant whatever you do or dont decide to do going forward, please do not hide behind "staying together for the kids". Its an utterly shitty thing to first expose them to a disfunctional relationship and then place the reason for your unhappy life at their feet. Ive forgiven my mother for a lot but not for making me responsible for her miserable marriage.

@Exutant

Actually I see them as MY SHEETS. Why should I not fucking clean them if they are dirty.

Grr, almost derailed thread by the focus being on this.

Sounds like your DH has a much bigger problem than wetting the bed, to have no Shame no embarrassment it's like he has given up and the alcohol let's it show, a dark place hidden with a flippant jolly manner.

The tears of a clown .

Is he worth making an effort for op?

Btw op my dh is the sahp ( you can see how I was unable to follow my parents dynamic)
He gets the majority of my pay sent to a joint account to spend as he wishes on the house and our three dcs and himself.I have a small amount of personal spending
There is no ‘allowance’ in my mind. He’s not my employee and I’m not combing over his expenditure. His job is just as important as mine

Divorce babes, divorce him and take the kids, clearly if he cant control his bladder he can't control his life.

@Lime37

How old are the children?? At 52 I think they are probably a bit old to be calling him daddy

What?! That’s the oddest take-away from a post like this.

My DH is 52 next week. Should I tell my DC to switch from Daddy to Dad this weekend is readiness? Or have we already left it too late? For reference, they are 12 and 15.

[quote BantersaurusSex]**@pollygartertidywife* The comment by @Lime37* was all the weirder because what her mangled sentence structure said was that the child was 52. The OP's response was a very good one.[/quote]

Exactly, and yet there are posters coming on feigning ignorance (or straight up proving it) and acting terribly confused that she's a SAHM of two middle aged children whilst also being in her fifties.
For the love of God.