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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dh pissing bed drunk

472 replies

Exutant · 25/02/2022 07:11

He is 52 and went into work yesterday in London (normally wfh). Spare bedroom. I went in to see him at 6am - bed soaking with and freezing.
It's not the first time - it happens about every 6 months.
I'm so pissed off. Carrying the sheets down and the lovely matress topper that all thr guests say has made the bed so comfortable. Probably ruined.
Washing machine is thru the kitchen so the kids saw - ashamed to.say I told them "daddy has pissed the bed".
Aibu to think it's not normal?
He's trying to ignore me asking about it and even tried to get into our bed but I made him have a shower.
Now he's being all jolly with the kids and I feel seething.

OP posts:
Exutant · 25/02/2022 09:52

@LadyHaversham

Processing this a bit more, you’ve been married for, say, 20 years, so you know him pretty well. Is he a senior partner and is his job under threat by the going guns coming up the ranks? If he’s a partner, are things not looking rosy business wise because of external factors? Was he working crazy hours before and now his stress has been exacerbated by covid/Brexit/Russia etc? Are you going to counselling because he was away 90% of the time pre-covid, now he wfh the cracks are showing which could be dismissed before? Apols if this is prying too much but it might have an impact on what you do going forward.

You can carry on as normal

You can adjust your life to accommodate this

You can get your ducks in a row and look into separating.

What is it that you actually want to do? If it’s “carry on with my life without the stinky sheets” then do as PP and I have said, DH bedding and guest bedding.

If it’s “live my life without DH in it” then you know what to do.

Thanks. I am off the thread now to do some online training. I am trying to get back to work. Sadly it will be min wage stuff but I think it'll help me see more clearly.
OP posts:
grapewine · 25/02/2022 09:52

@TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes

But how do you know wouldn't have been angry and got issues if they had spilt up.

That is also very harmful to families and I have lots of friends who have ongoing issues in adult from their parents splitting up.

Wow.....you have just lost me there (am sure you could not care less) what a terrible comment. The poster has just opened her heart to you, and you have pissed on her heartbreak with "your anger issues may have happened anyway".

I would take a step back from this thread if I were you, and stop attacking people for giving their viewpoints. You are hurt and lashing out at the wrong people - those trying to help you to see that financial worries (Hmm) are not an excuse to put your children through this . They wont forget you saying "your dad has pissed the bed". So now YOU are complicit in the whole awful situation by bringing them into it.

All of this. I can't believe that's what you took from that post.

It's your choice what you do. But your children are in that mess with you. No amount of fee-paying school will make that easier for them.

catscatscatseverywhere · 25/02/2022 09:53

It's not normal. It looks like he has a problem.

Migrainesbythedozen · 25/02/2022 09:53

OP if you have or if you had a daughter, what would you recommend your daughter do if you found out she was in an abusive and unhappy marriage where her husband was drinking too much and pissing the bed with no shame? What would you tell your daughter to do? Would you recommend she stay in her abusive marriage, or go?

girlmom21 · 25/02/2022 09:53

@Exutant

Perhaps the type of woman who won't (cant?) separate will also cope less than perfectly after a failed marriage and still not live up to their children's expectations?
It's not about living up to their expectations. It's about giving them the best examples you can. Single parents with children in state schools who live humble lives raise wonderful, balanced children too.
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 25/02/2022 09:53

There is no way I would ever have cleaned up his piss in a million years. He would be doing that himself. It could sit there until kingdom come stinking.
I have a serious mentail health condition and when I was young I would deal with it by getting blind drunk. (Teetotal now). No matter how paralytic I got I never ever pissed the bed. To me that would be the ultimate low of lows. Rock bottom. To me it shows that your husband has reached rock bottom.

Gonnagetgoing · 25/02/2022 09:54

He has a drink problem. My DF when he was with my DM came home one night and pissed in the wardrobe thinking it was the toilet - beginning of the end really.

He needs to sort out cleaning the sheet but agreed with @SerendipitySunshine a mattress protector would be a good idea.

I'm not saying he needs AA or anything but maybe get in touch with a therapist with DH's agreement and get this sorted before it escalates further. my DB used to drink a lot and do stupid things and eventually got therapy over Covid but stopped drinking late last year for his health and has stayed off it and will do going forward. He's also doing martial arts with a meditation aspect now.

GreyCarpet · 25/02/2022 09:54

@Exutant

Perhaps the type of woman who won't (cant?) separate will also cope less than perfectly after a failed marriage and still not live up to their children's expectations?
OP, you will absolutely cope fine.

I left my son's father when I had nothing. I had 47p in the bank and he was a newborn. We were homeless. We lived in a hostel where our safety was regularly threatened.

I had zero family support, no friends. Nothing.

I went to university, got a first class degree and a masters. I have a profession. I am still a single parent although I have a boyfriend (very early days). The newborn is now 23, happy, well adjusted, living independently, working fulltime alongside completing his degree.

You are amazing. You just can't see it because your current situation is holding you back.

I've seen few threads over the years where women ask if others have ever regretted leaving. It can be hard but I don't recall that any ever has regretted it.

Oh, and we all cope 'less than perfectly'. You are coping 'less than perfectly' now. Your children are experiencing a 'less than perfect' life. As are you. Your husband is coping 'less that perfectly' and impacting negatively on those around him.

It is this man's choice to live the way he does. You can make a different choice!

RB68 · 25/02/2022 09:54

Are you married to my exH. He saw being that pissed as a badge of honour, he would get ridiculously drunk at events, if I attended he was literally abusive in front of others - belittling what I did etc (even though I earnt more than him and saw him through both a return to Uni for LPC and 2 yrs of training to become this "Hot Shot Lawyer". He constantly told me I was uptight and frigid but the reality was his behaviour was appalling, never knew when he was going to be home, undermined everything I tried to do to improve our financial situation (after 3 years of feck all money from him we had nothing at the time) found fault with how I looked and interacted with his "friends" (ie people he wanted to impress for work) and frankly was just an asshole of the highest order. The crunch came when he started picking fault with my feet (I kid you not) I mean what did he want me to do about them, at that point I just said - this isn't about me its about you and I have had enough. YOU need to leave - took another 6 mths to get him out but out he went.

spacehardware · 25/02/2022 09:55

"That is also very harmful to families and I have lots of friends who have ongoing issues in adult from their parents splitting up."

Their issues aren't due to their parents splitting up. They are due either to (1) the awful marriage they witnessed before the split (2) toxic retaliatory behaviour post split by wounded angry adults (3) a combination of both

I left my first husband because he was horrible to me, and apart from me deserving better, I was worried about what I was modelling to my children as normal. We have both remarried, he has undergone a lot of therapy, we now have a civil and collaborative parenting relationship. If we were still married all four of us would be in hell

RJnomore1 · 25/02/2022 09:55

Totally different view here. Your husband is mega stressed. You say yourself he is acting oddly shouting ant oriole and working frankly ridiculous hours. And I say that as a workaholic myself. Your passive aggressive hooking of the sheets to the washer is no more constructive than his avoidance of the topic.

Should a friend man wet the bed drunk ? No.

Should anyone be cleaning up after an adult like that? Again, no.

What do you want here? Why is he so stressed? Is he the sort who would work regardless and opt out of home or is he feeling the financial pressures of being solely responsible for a family, 3 private school fees etc?

I don’t think this one is necessarily as straightforward as drunken disgusting pig. The context is really important. I’d hate to see my husband in such a mess and struggling. You just sound like you despise him. Perhaps there’s reasons for that.

SalsaLove · 25/02/2022 09:55

Sorry you’re getting piled on, OP. MN generally has zero empathy for “big city” types as you’ve already seen from a number of replies. Be kind to yourself and take whatever action you’re able to take when you’re ready to take it. I hope your marriage counselling is productive. 💐

RJnomore1 · 25/02/2022 09:55

Bloody hell sorry typos

LadyHaversham · 25/02/2022 09:56

A friend of my teenage child has said that their parents are separating. Child is not sad but relieved that they are finally divorcing and the home atmosphere is better.

Your children’s expectations of you are not what you think they are.

BantersaurusSex · 25/02/2022 09:56

What do fee-paying schools have to do with anything @grapewine ?

Presumably that's a chippy comment about independent schools and the people who use them. In fact, the children would most likely remain at their current schools even if the OP and her husband were to divorce...

Blinkingbatshit · 25/02/2022 09:57

Oh OP, that is just awful. Yes, definitely mention it at your next marriage counselling session. If he says it’s nothing to be ashamed of then yes, mention to him that you’ll chat to his mother about it to get her input as maybe she’s dealt with this before🤷🏼‍♀️….that might make him think twice. Perhaps ask him, if he thinks it’s so normal, whether you can ask on Facebook (tagging him) for advice from others, perhaps colleagues wives, as to how they deal with it?….I’m pretty sure he might feel shame then!! How old are the kids? Are you much younger than him? It does indeed sound like he’s struggling with stress but he needs to deal with it like a mature adult, not revert to behaving like a child….again, perhaps suggest given this you’ll get some advice from his mother and see how he reacts?! What a miserable git to be stuck with, I hope you get out when you can.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/02/2022 09:58

@Exutant - I totally understand why you cleaned the sheets.
This happened to me once, and it was the bed we were both sleeping in.
The (not then) husband was still so drunk, he just got up and moved to the spare room and fell straight back asleep again because still drunk, leaving me to sort out our bed.
Of course I did it because otherwise it wouldn't have been done, and he would NOT have done it.

But it was only once. I told him if it ever happened again, we would be over. It never has, and in fact he stopped drinking for a long while shortly after that. He doesn't drink much at all these days - and mostly his "sessions" are when he's away with colleagues, and they go out after dinner, so he's in a hotel. No idea if it's happened there!

I know how much hard work it is to clean up piss from a bed - and I know full well that the only way to ensure it's done even remotely properly is to do it yourself, unless you have a partner/husband who actually gives a flying fuck about things like that (amazingly, some do!)

I agree though that he is treating you very badly. And I would tell him that HE is paying for the mattress himself, as HE trashed it and it's the bed that HIS mother sleeps in, so unless he wants his mother to sleep on a mattress that he ruined with his drunken pissing, he'd better cough up.

Having said that, it's pretty wrong that you only get "housekeeping" from him as a SAHM and you're expected to pay for everything out of that! Sounds like there's some financial abuse going on - a city lawyer is probably on near 6 figures, if not actually 6 figures, and can certainly afford a new mattress!! Why do you not have a joint account? Time to talk about that as well in your marriage counselling, I think!

I am a SAHM too, and I do get money put into an account for me every month BUT I also have access to the joint account. My savings account is for buying things that I don't necessarily want the husband to know the cost of, like presents etc.
I need to have access to the joint account for paying bills and in case anything happens to DH while he's driving around (have had a few friends who've lost their husbands to car crashes etc. :( ) - what would happen to your finances if your DH suddenly died?

His flippancy over the mattress and his behaviour is the most repulsive part of this episode though. At least my DH was mortified about it when he woke up in the morning, and took steps to avoid it happening again - yours seems to accept it as part of life and your duty to clean up for him. This is Not Acceptable. Not good for the kids to see him abusing you like this either (emotionally/financially).

Hope you can resolve this in a way that works best for you. Thanks

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 25/02/2022 09:59

Crazykefir
It's normal for alcoholics.

Why do people talk utter tripe, it really isn’t normal for alcoholics!!! Must tell my colleagues that everyone they treat pisses the bed Hmm

thepeopleversuswork · 25/02/2022 09:59

I think it’s game over really OP.
The act itself is bad enough but the lack of contrition or recognition that he’s done anything wrong, the lack of consideration for you, is worse.
What do you get out of being married to a man like this? I would divorce him.

bubblesbubbles11 · 25/02/2022 10:00

"Perhaps the type of woman who won't (cant?) separate will also cope less than perfectly after a failed marriage and still not live up to their children's expectations?"

Thing is, I suspect there are a very large number of women who not only have got so deeply used to having their spouse earn ALL of the money (and it is a lot of money) and at the same time those women do have an inkling as to how incredibly hard it is to start again standing on your own two feet as a divorced single parent - yes it is an entire change of lifestyle often with a LOT less money/resources.

That they are prepared to put up with a shell of a relationship/abuse in all its forms just to keep the standard of living they think they have.

Northernparent68 · 25/02/2022 10:00

@Exutant

Actually I see them as MY SHEETS. Why should I not fucking clean them if they are dirty.

Grr, almost derailed thread by the focus being on this.

There you are then, you think they are your sheets and not a joint possession. Then you act like a martyr.
Walkaround · 25/02/2022 10:00

@Exutant - tbh, it sounds like you are only staying with him for the income, thinking that a miserable home life is better with cash than without. It does sound, though, as if the income is at risk, if your dh is struggling to cope with the stresses of work and home life. Are you just feeling particularly negative after the bedwetting episode, or do you really have no love or sympathy left for your dh? How is he with the kids? How is the marriage counselling going?

Gonnagetgoing · 25/02/2022 10:01

Just noticed about marriage counselling - bring this up - only you can know if you'd like to work through this or not.

He buys a new mattress - no discussion.

I used to work with lawyers. Maybe you need a discussion at therapy if this job is really worth it long term. I knew a couple of lawyers and men at a certain age who've switched career because it's just too stressful. You don't have to do it ASAP but he could put plans in place soon so he can continue working and retrain.

An alcoholic is awful to live with but if he gets help with it (my own DF didn't and remarried and apparently stayed sober for 15 years until that marriage hit the rocks and then he died early at 50 of a sudden heart attack) it can be a good life. I think lots of alcoholics drink to mask a problem/issue though and if that problem is solved then you have a chance.

I also know a friend of DB's who was an alcoholic for years, he moved abroad and had a heart attack where he had a major bypass and he had to stop drinking but all credit to him - he stopped and is off the drink for about 3-4 years now. A real wake up call knowing he almost died I guess.

40thanniversayfastapproacning · 25/02/2022 10:02

Definitely buy a cheap waterproof mattress protector. The cheap ones are not very comfortable but if he's drunk, he won't care! Leave it on the bed over the top of the topper, so only sheet above it and only remove it when making the bed for guests.
Yes there are obviously other issues but right now, the practicalities are what you CAN address, both quickly and easily. I would agree that stripping the bed for him may be enabling but only you can decide what annoys you most.

Blinkingbatshit · 25/02/2022 10:02

Grads at magic circle city law firms start on well over £100k these days …..OP’s other half, aged 52, should be significantly further on into 6 figures. He should definitely have enough for a new mattress and be giving OP more than just housekeeping.