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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To call out boss ignoring my birthday

188 replies

Peachyroll · 24/02/2022 21:10

My boss is a terrible people manager and does everything he can to avoid 'people' responsibilities. He sees them as an annoying chore in comparison to his important man meetings. (I'm currently in an interview process, hoping to leave soon).

My wider department makes a big fuss of peoples' birthdays and since we're still remote, staff have received gifts in the post for the past few years eg. gift vouchers, booze, plants, flowers, cake etc, photos of which and thank yous are posted in our group chat.

It was my birthday yesterday. I noticed it was in my boss's calendar last week. But on the actual day, he said nothing to me in any meetings we were in. I received nothing. And I noticed the 'Peachyroll's birthday' entry had disappeared from their calendar. At my work managers get a notification from the HR system when it's their team member's birthdays as well.

I'm quite upset to be honest. I don't really care about not getting anything, it's the fact i know he has chosen to ignore it. There's no animosity or anything between us (although I know he doesn't particularly like me, or one of my colleagues), he literally just can't be arsed to do anything. Should I say something?

OP posts:
brainhurts · 25/02/2022 10:26

I would contact HR , ask if the birthday gifts are still happening as yours hadn't arrived.

granny24 · 25/02/2022 10:28

@Bagpusssays

He is your boss, not your boyfriend. Your post is embarrassing.
This.
BloodyN0rah · 25/02/2022 10:54

I think OPs point is not that she didn't get anything, I don't think that's unusual in most workplaces, the point is surely that it's unfair if everyone else does and OP doesn't. I'd be too embarrassed to say anything but I'd carry on looking for another job. Do you think he doesn't like you or maybe knows you're looking?

Brefugee · 25/02/2022 11:13

He is your boss, not your boyfriend. Your post is embarrassing.

meh what is embarassing is posters not understanding that their way of doing things isn't universal. And since in the OP it said that the company culture is of every birthday being celebrated except suddenly hers, it is a bit rich to come back with all the tedious MN hate of birthdays as soon as anyone reaches double figures.

In fact, i would go so far as to say if OP is singled out and not given birthday greetings/gift, it actually amounts to bullying.

FWIW: i have worked at places where it was ignored, where everyone got a bunch of flowers, where people have got together with others with close birthdays and brought in a lunch buffet, and one where only "round" or significant birthdays are celebrated. If a company does it for one, it should do it for all unless they choose to opt out.

Peachyroll · 25/02/2022 11:14

A different manager asked out of interest what I got from the 'team' for my bday this morning and I said nothing... she's going to ask him what happened. I still just find the deletion of my bday from his calendar fascinating.

Also, I got offered the other job today. Best birthday present I could have received really!

OP posts:
BessAndCress · 25/02/2022 11:15

Congratulations! And good update on the birthday mystery.

Peachyroll · 25/02/2022 11:17

I should have said I've also worked at many companies where birthdays are definitely not a thing, and I didn't care, I don't expect anything. But like other posters have said, when there's budget for it, and others in the team have gifts and a song and dance made for them, it doesn't feel great.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 25/02/2022 11:26

Given the culture at your company I’d definitely ask what happened. Good to see another manager is investigating. It is bullying and very unkind. Imagine how much worse you would feel if you didn’t have another option
Congrats on the new job.

Kite22 · 25/02/2022 13:30

He is your boss, not your boyfriend. Your post is embarrassing.

Actually @Bagpusssays and @granny24 I'd say more embarrassing for posters to STILL be commenting on the title and opening post and not what has been said further into the thread. You don't even have to read every post - just the OP's posts would help you.

This is about a company bonus of between £50 and £110 which the company gives to every employee on their birthday, so therefore for one employee not to have received it is clearly not right.

I'm glad the other manager is investigating. Otherwise I'd have gone with PerditaPerdita 's suggestion of getting a colleague to bring it up.
I would ask HR about it in the circumstances - as you are leaving you have nothing to lose, potentially your gift to gain, but importantly, get them to look at how the system works in practice and if it can be improved, as this leaves a bad taste if individuals are left to 'ask for' their bonus.

Congratulations on your new job.

JacquelineCarlyle · 25/02/2022 13:45

@Rainbowqueeen

Given the culture at your company I’d definitely ask what happened. Good to see another manager is investigating. It is bullying and very unkind. Imagine how much worse you would feel if you didn’t have another option Congrats on the new job.
I completely agree - given the culture you describe around birthdays, it's absolutely bullying. I'd raise a formal complaint / grievance with HR (especially if you're leaving, then it'll have no negative impact on you!).

Congrats on the new job!

User1isnotavailable · 25/02/2022 13:49

Try: "Oh boss it was my 35th birthday yesterday and you didn't buy me a card, sing me happy birthday or treat me to 'the bumps', no present either. Boo hoo"

Give it a try and see what the boss says.

User1isnotavailable · 25/02/2022 13:50

Congratulations on the new job.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 25/02/2022 16:18

Happy belated Birthday OP.
Please let us know if you get a belated gift from work, and/or if your boss says anything to you about it.

UniBallEye · 25/02/2022 16:53

We don't have that work culture here where I work so it would never arise as an issue for me or anyone on my team. However IF that culture was established AND there was a budget for it and my boss just couldn't be arsed I would 100% find a way to bring it up.

No-one's expecting him to personally foot the bill here and he's just being a crappy boss by not exercising fairness - funded presents for all or no presents for anyone...

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 25/02/2022 17:04

@Peachyroll

A few others know. I'm not really one for going around telling people it's my birthday.

Like I say, the main gripe is that he knowingly deleted it from his calendar. He actively pressed a button to delete my one day of joy from work.

"...my one day of joy..."

You do sound like bit of a brat, to be honest. Had he got fed up of your obvious hinting or something?

I thought that people took cakes and the like into work on their own birthday to share with their colleagues?

Mouk · 25/02/2022 17:07

I'd rather work ignore it to be honest.

Mouk · 25/02/2022 17:11

I take my birthday off every year to avoid any fuss being made in work. I much prefer spending the day with my family/friends.

I'm off today (as its my birthday ;)

IForgiveYouPaula · 25/02/2022 17:30

My current team tend to give a card and a small gift, about £10. The team before would get someone a card signed by everyone unless it was a milestone birthday then there was a collection for a gift. The person whose birthday it is always brings cakes in for their colleagues. Don’t you take anything in yourself??

AmyDudley · 25/02/2022 18:10

Don’t you take anything in yourself??

OP says in her first post that she is working remotely, and gifts are received in the post.

Nelliephant1 · 25/02/2022 18:14

This has surely got to be a wind up, is it half term somewhere?

Benefit of the doubt, I'll bite. What adult would want/expect any acknowledgment of their birthday at work never mind going in the huff because their boss didn't acknowledge it? In all my years I've never heard anything so completely ridiculous.

PlasticOrchid · 25/02/2022 18:24

@Nelliephant1

This has surely got to be a wind up, is it half term somewhere?

Benefit of the doubt, I'll bite. What adult would want/expect any acknowledgment of their birthday at work never mind going in the huff because their boss didn't acknowledge it? In all my years I've never heard anything so completely ridiculous.

Oh FFS, I will also bite.

The OP works in an office where EVERYONE has their birthday acknowledged and there is a budget to do so.

Except her.

Because of her boss.

Of course she has every right to be pissed off. She has been singled out. She is not being childish; she has deliberately been sidelined.

emmetgirl · 25/02/2022 18:33

Grow up.

WhoWants2Know · 25/02/2022 18:55

@emmetgirl

Grow up.
Read the thread
shinynewapple22 · 25/02/2022 19:23

I would be really embarrassed if my boss wished me happy birthday in a meeting . Hate people drawing attention to this .

ParalysisByAnalysis · 25/02/2022 19:30

Lol he deleted it because he forgot/didn’t get round to sorting it and thought he would delete it before you saw that he actually knew it was your birthday.