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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call out boss ignoring my birthday

188 replies

Peachyroll · 24/02/2022 21:10

My boss is a terrible people manager and does everything he can to avoid 'people' responsibilities. He sees them as an annoying chore in comparison to his important man meetings. (I'm currently in an interview process, hoping to leave soon).

My wider department makes a big fuss of peoples' birthdays and since we're still remote, staff have received gifts in the post for the past few years eg. gift vouchers, booze, plants, flowers, cake etc, photos of which and thank yous are posted in our group chat.

It was my birthday yesterday. I noticed it was in my boss's calendar last week. But on the actual day, he said nothing to me in any meetings we were in. I received nothing. And I noticed the 'Peachyroll's birthday' entry had disappeared from their calendar. At my work managers get a notification from the HR system when it's their team member's birthdays as well.

I'm quite upset to be honest. I don't really care about not getting anything, it's the fact i know he has chosen to ignore it. There's no animosity or anything between us (although I know he doesn't particularly like me, or one of my colleagues), he literally just can't be arsed to do anything. Should I say something?

OP posts:
ANameChangeAgain · 24/02/2022 23:17

Happy Birthday for yesterday!
It really doesn't matter what pps think about celebrating Birthdays at work etc, the point is its your work culture to celebrate Birthdays, and by deliberately ignoring yours he is being passive aggressive. He will know its upsetting you, but also knows that social norms don't allow you to mind, which makes it particularly nasty.

Iamnotamermaid · 24/02/2022 23:18

I do understand the frustration of working for a shoddy manager who has no people skills, the emotional intelligence of a 5 year old, and treats you like a minion.

That said, the 'benefit' ought to be consistent amongst all staff members but managers often do use discretion to decide who gets what 'benefits', even you are entitled to them. Best of luck with your interviews - sounds like it is time to move on.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 24/02/2022 23:19

I have never worked anywhere where the boss has bought birthday gifts.

RedToothBrush · 24/02/2022 23:27

@Bagpusssays

He is your boss, not your boyfriend. Your post is embarrassing.
This.
Pisces89 · 24/02/2022 23:30

@Bagpusssays

He is your boss, not your boyfriend. Your post is embarrassing.
Ouch Confused
flyingdream · 24/02/2022 23:30

I'd do what @Agapornis said.

You're right to be upset. I would be too. Make a big deal about it how you got so and so.

PriamFarrl · 24/02/2022 23:56

I’m with you OP.
If everyone else’s birthdays are being acknowledged then it’s a a little upsetting when yours isn’t.
Not because you any stuff or anything but because you want the acknowledgment.

Kite22 · 24/02/2022 23:56

@BoredZelda

Sorry you are 35 not 5

So at 35 a person should not be annoyed if a perk given to every other member of staff is not given to them? Regardless of what that perk is and whether you think it is stupid, you don’t think being singled out not to receive this perk is wrong?

Replace “birthday” with “annual Christmas voucher.” Would a 35 year old be unreasonably annoyed if everyone got one except them?

This ^

I wonder if some of the people still posting this about "not wanting or expecting their birthday to be celebrated at work" have actually read the full thread and realise this is a companywide way of giving ALL staff a small bonus, which is part of the company policy and there is a budget put aside for everyone to receive a sizeable gift ?

Very different from the impression many of us got from the thread title and opening post.

I wouldn't expect any fuss on my birthday, and have never had it in any job I have worked in
BUT
I would expect any bonus that the company give each employee to reach me, and not to be the only one that didn't happen to.

HUGE difference.

Jenasaurus · 25/02/2022 00:02

I kind of understand OP, I organise a Kudo Board Birthday card for people in our department, I was asked to organise one for a lady who shared my own birthday. Got everyone to add a message and made sure it was emailed to her on her birthday like I do for the rest of the team...my birthday came and went with nothing. To be fair my manager apologised, she said she did do one but noticed it hadnt sent. It is OK but I was a bit hurt.

LadyinRead · 25/02/2022 00:03

No

Pallisers · 25/02/2022 00:08

if there is a budget for everyone to get something for their birthday and he didn't use it for you - well that to me is the same as if there is a budget for christmas gift for everyone (there was in my company) and you didn't get one.

At this stage I probably wouldn't bother complaining to HR but your boss is a wanker and this isn't the same as wanting to have a boss celebrate your birthday like a friend. This is about wanting to get the same minor benefits as everyone else - that birthday budget was put in place as a cheap way to make employees feel good about the company ("engaged!") fail for bad boss.

Justilou1 · 25/02/2022 00:09

I’d ask if there was any reason he’d removed your bday from his calendar

Agapornis · 25/02/2022 00:35

Ah, he has previous! Then yes, definitely ask HR/whoever sends the vouchers where yours is. Bet he's been doing it for years and counts on people being too embarrassed to ask. Even if he just hasn't ordered it, HR will probably send you one anyway.

Ohmybod · 25/02/2022 00:47

Don’t call him out now but maybe save it for your exit interview.

tkwal · 25/02/2022 04:44

It comes down to what is official company policy . If absolutely everyone but you and your colleague received a gift and if the various managers are given company funding then you are being reasonable in feeling left out and HR should have a word with him because the company may sanction gift giving to engender loyalty and good will among staff who are uninspired by their salary/benefits. If the gifts are funded by whip-rounds among your colleagues it could be you're a victim of cost of living rises or difficulty collecting because of WFH

Monty27 · 25/02/2022 05:14

At my work it was a whip round. On special birthdays the boss would chip in for cake prosecco and flowers for the team to wish the staff member happy birthday. I'm not sure whether it was claimed back on expenses. That's irrelevant.
In your case OP I don't think you're behaving childishly. You've not been treated equally. And I'd wonder why.
Maybe ask your line manager if you've upset someone.
Did you contribute to colleagues' birthdays?

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/02/2022 05:20

@Agapornis

Might he have pocketed the £50 voucher?

Can you ask HR because 'it looks like it got lost in the post'?

This sounds like a sensible solution. If giving £50 is company policy, the money is somewhere. Either in his pocket or not taken.
lololololollll · 25/02/2022 05:21

I think it's not been deleted on purpose therefore he's just actually forgotten

Suzi888 · 25/02/2022 05:41

“He got a £60 bottle of his favourite whiskey AND a £50 John Lewis voucher for his birthday in November and was openly over the moon!”

That changes things! If everyone else gets £50 I’d want mine too, especially if I’m paying in! Winkto others collections!

Pandai · 25/02/2022 05:42

I agree it depends whether he purposefully deleted it or whether it was deleted accidentally at sometime. I'd mention it lightheartedly, if everyone else gets £50 of vouchers I'd be miffed too!

labyrinthlaziness · 25/02/2022 05:45

@Peachyroll

There's budget for it, bizarrely. He doesn't even have to pay.
In this case, you can raise it, yes.
Yellownightmare · 25/02/2022 05:50

@tympanic

I think people might be missing the point a bit, OP. Other companies might not do gifts for their employees (mine doesn’t), some might be embarrassed if their birthday was drawn attention to (I would), but the tradition at YOUR workplace is for employees to be shown appreciation on their birthday. And clearly you’ve not only been singled out not to receive the same appreciation, but your boss has even tried to cover his tracks by deleting it from his calendar.

Forget the posters taking shots at you for being childish. It’s not about the gift, is it. It’s about being excluded. Which is bullying. You are right to be upset, OP. But there’s no point in bringing anything up as your boss will likely behave as others have here and claim you’re being childish. Let it go and do well in your interviews so you can get away from that knob.

And happy birthday. 💐

Absolutely this.

I don't see how people can't understand that just because it's not the culture in their company that it might be the culture in OP's. It's about being the only employee who's been left out, not about birthdays per se.

thegoldenone · 25/02/2022 05:54

I would be hurt aswell op

Disneysaurus · 25/02/2022 06:09

If it’s the company policy of course yanbu. £50 is quite a lot, I’d try and bring it up in a half jokey kind of way. But agree with others it would be difficult.

Disneysaurus · 25/02/2022 06:11

I see now he’s not even paying for it. You should bring it up then.