Page 19 | Work trip vrs slightly ill dh

Lochnessgiraffe · 2022-02-24T08:10:19+00:00

I've got a work trip today. Staying overnight and coming back late tomorrow night. Dh is now moaning that he doesn't feel well and hinting that I should cancel. I wfh, have only been their at work a few months and this is my first time to meet people from the office. I'm quite excited tbh. Now dh is complaining about feeling unwell not covid just unwell and would prefer me to cancel. We have teenagers who will be fine. They'll stay asleep until lunch then probably game all day. Might notice I'm not there. So aibu to still go or should I stay home?

WheresYourSnickers · 24/02/2022 19:27

Put a stop to the new dog now, before it's arrives and you've no choice.
You really need to leave! You've a decent salary and will get a good divorce settlement I'd imagine.

user1496146479 · 24/02/2022 19:33

@friendlycat

I’m glad you are on your way but I’ve got to be honest and say if you are employed at £60k you must have a reasonable job and be capable of doing said job.

It makes no sense that you had to ask whether you were being unreasonable in fulfilling your work requirements by attending this function. Surely you have the capacity to realise who is being unreasonable and it’s certainly not you.

If you had made the decision to not attend what on earth would you have said to your employer?

Coercive control doesn't care what salary band you have!

LuckySantangelo35 · 24/02/2022 19:39

I’m sorry as well as I construed the “only 60k” phrasing in a different way than you meant and don’t gauge at first the feelings and degraded self esteem behind it

RandomMess · 24/02/2022 19:57

I would tell him if he brings a puppy home you are moving out.

He is controlling and does his best to keep you trapped and miserable by putting you down.

Crankley · 24/02/2022 19:58

OP I feel sad for you. Why should you have to put up with this? Do you realise how wrong it is that he would make a fuss if you went out to dinner and he didn't? You've made no friends because of him, What would you miss if you left him? You earn a good salary, unlike so many women who are in financial straits when leaving their DH/partners.

I understand that after 18 years you would find it difficult but that's because your relationship has become a habit. He doesn't deserve you.

timeisnotaline · 24/02/2022 22:42

@Lochnessgiraffe

Nothing unfortunately. We haven't had sex of any kind in 3 years. I was a sahm of and on. He's just unfortunately brilliant at him job. He will do household stuff if I ask which is why we have a cleaner He informed me on Sunday that we are getting a new puppy in the next few months! So more work for me we already have 2 dogs

Just leave. Before the dog arrives. If you know where he’s getting it from you can call and say it will be rejoined as soon as it arrives, you refuse to have another dog.

Jellybean23 · 24/02/2022 23:14

He needs to belittle you to undermine your confidence and control you.
He needs to discourage your friendships because friends might influence you and weaken the grip he has on you.

It's his own inadequacy that makes him behave this way.

Grab every opportunity possible to create a circle of friends. It will empower you.
Open your eyes to what he is doing to you.

Original poster

Lochnessgiraffe · 25/02/2022 06:44

Thanks to all the support.
Went to dinner and had a lovely time
.off to work today .
Lots to think about. I really thought that we were past this

OP posts:

keysonthetable · 25/02/2022 06:45

@Lochnessgiraffe

Nothing unfortunately. We haven't had sex of any kind in 3 years. I was a sahm of and on. He's just unfortunately brilliant at him job. He will do household stuff if I ask which is why we have a cleaner He informed me on Sunday that we are getting a new puppy in the next few months! So more work for me we already have 2 dogs

I would have "informed" him right back that "as I wasn't consulted, this is your puppy and I won't be cleaning up after it, toilet training it, feeding it or walking it". "We aren't getting a new puppy dh, you are" "If you don't do all of that, I will act responsibly and re-home the puppy"

Luredbyapomegranate · 25/02/2022 07:03

I’m very glad you went.

Can you also think about how you can build up some friends?

And whether you want to stay in this relationship? It doesn’t seem like there’s anything in it for you. There’s a whole world out there.

BuanoKubiamVej · 25/02/2022 07:41

@Lochnessgiraffe

Nothing unfortunately. We haven't had sex of any kind in 3 years. I was a sahm of and on. He's just unfortunately brilliant at him job. He will do household stuff if I ask which is why we have a cleaner He informed me on Sunday that we are getting a new puppy in the next few months! So more work for me we already have 2 dogs

Oh ffs getting a puppy a terrible idea and clearly a ruse to try to make you return to being SAHM. As I am sure you know, socialising a puppy takes a lot of time and cannot be easily combined with the kind of working hours you both are committed to. Any decision to get a puppy needs to be made with careful consideration from all the adults (and older kids) who will be sharing this huge responsibility, not dictated by one person.

OP I think the time may have come to LTB. Or at least let him know that getting a puppy would be an idiotic move because you are seriously considering leaving, and bringing a puppy into that mix would make things very very much worse.

diddl · 25/02/2022 07:55

"Can you also think about how you can build up some friends?"

I think getting rid of the husband would be a big help!

So you got on OK last night, managed to get on with people?

That's how friendships start!

FarmGirl78 · 25/02/2022 08:08

Oh OP I hope you can now see some of the red flags people are pointing out. I've been in an abusive relationship before, and it's so easy to wallpaper over the cracks.

The biggest red flag for me was you saying you don't make friends because it irritates him. Choosing to not do something reasonable because of the inevitable fall out from a partner is coercive control. I've been where you were and its devastating and embarrassing to realise that you've ended up in that situation. I couldn't quite believe that someone in my shoes, educated, intelligent, who owned their own house, car, debt free, generally savvy had somehow found themselves in such a controlling miserable soap-opera of a relationship.

Just remind yourself....you are NOT being unreasonable, you are NOT making too much of a situation, and you DO deserve better. And its not big headed, arrogant or selfish to think those things.

Associatepeggy · 25/02/2022 08:19

@Lochnessgiraffe

Thanks to all the support. Went to dinner and had a lovely time .off to work today . Lots to think about. I really thought that we were past this

You keep saying that you thought you were past this.

Was does that actually mean? Was he like this before you split. Did you get back together thinking it you were past it. Did he seek any counselling or is this something he has only done since you got back together and 'getting past it' is a recent thing? Did you have any counselling when you got back together?

MayMorris · 25/02/2022 08:41

I don’t understand this. You are saying it’s work. Is it an optional meeting? If not it is part of your job and it’s not for you or DH to decide you simply won’t go. The fact it is a trip has nothing to do with it- it’s work.
If everyone in a partnership took time off work or refused to attend work because their partner was a bit poorly or even quite poorly, the economy would be in dire straights and companies would be bankrupt
Don’t be so silly.
Give him permission to call you if he needs to go to hosptial or the teenagers to call you if they have concerns that he is too unwell to function properly. Otherwise stop pandering him and tell him to stop hinting - it’s part of your work and not optional.

JackieGr · 25/02/2022 08:45

It's a possibility that your children think that this is normal behaviour and inherit his misogynistic ways.

Go home, tell him it's been a successful trip that you have enjoyed and that you hope there will be more opportunities for you like it in the future. And tell him no to the puppy if you don't want it. And stop wiping his arse.

WallaceinAnderland · 25/02/2022 12:19

This is a really sad thread. You have a good job, earn a good wage and can obviously look after yourself and your home. Why don't you leave and get yourself a nice little flat, enjoy your work, join some clubs, make some friends and start living your life.

Nanny0gg · 25/02/2022 13:47

@Lochnessgiraffe

I regret putting "only" but he makes me feel like it's nothing. I can't mention dinner as he'd have really not wanted me to go. He belittles my job. Which is infuriating. I manage 10 people. I've worked damm hard to get my salary. More than my parents even made but he makes me feel like shit. It's not enough for him.

Well. maybe he's not enough for you.

I hope you have some thinking time while you're away from him

Nanny0gg · 25/02/2022 13:50

@Lochnessgiraffe

Nearly 18 years. I'm crap at making friends and it seems to annoy him so I don't bother. He doesn't have any friends either

Well, I'm not surprised he doesn't.

You need to get yourself out there. Join a gym, join a club. Get away from him

And if he moans, walk away. Let him moan to an empty room

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 25/02/2022 14:04

Lots to think about. I really thought that we were past this

You thought "we" were past this? You may be far past this but he isn't.

There is no we in your marriage. He is getting a puppy you don't want and he expects you to look after it, presumably as a way to keep you trapped or at least distracted at home so you don't decide to throw yourself into your career (and start earning as much as he does) or go out and make friends (instead of staying at home to keep him company in his friendless state).

We do not make decisions in your marriage, only he does, and the only way you get to do anything for yourself is to lie.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/02/2022 14:38

Ugh, he really doesn't sound at all pleasant.

He belittles your (really, very decent!) job and income, he expects you to do all the "wifework" at home, he doesn't want you to prioritise your job or independence in any way and he thinks that you should never go out on your own, especially not to have a good time?!

Worrafucker he is.

I'd use your time away to really look at how he behaves to you and think about whether or not you can be bothered to stay with him. I think you'd have a much nicer life away from him.

MzHz · 25/02/2022 15:22

I agree, the puppy is to get you back at SAHP and under his thumb

He’s calling you to heel love.

Do your sums, work out how well off you’d be away from him and see if it can work.

You’re a bright and talented woman. Nobody earns £60k by being anything less, no offence to anyone here, I’m specifically talking to the OP.

Enjoy your work trip and imagine a life where you don’t have to answer to a man like this, where perhaps one day you’re with someone who values you, your time, your energy and intelligence and fulfils you as a woman and as a human being. This looks impossible from where you are perhaps, but use this time without him to see how you’d feel as a single person. I’ll bet you’re feeling a lot lighter

ChateauMargaux · 25/02/2022 16:08

Yup.. a new puppy is the equivalent of keeping you barefoot, pregnant and tied to the sink.

I know you want a new puppy, but I have to be able to say no and for that to be the end of the discussion. We have two children, two dogs and two careers. That is enough for me.

alfiegirl61 · 25/02/2022 16:43

Of course you should go! What a perfect example of a man wanting attention so much that he'll actually try to make you feel bad for doing something important to you. It's not even a purely social activity - it's work-related! Message to Planet Man-Child - "Your people have invaded the Earth... please come and get them back."

My ex-DH had a habit of suddenly complaining about "not feeling too good", whenever we'd planned something like a party or a big family dinner at our house. It was always early on the day of the event, i.e. as soon as he realised/remembered he was actually going to be expected to help. He was all for doing it in the weeks before, at the initial stage of inviting people - it wasn't like it was my idea that I'd forced on him. The first couple of times, I fell for this nonsense and did bloody everything myself while he lay around watching tv, occasionally letting out a big sigh or a groan.
By 6pm with all the hard work done, he would miraculously recover and then have a lovely time all evening.

Finally, one day when he started at 7.30am with the I-don't-feel-so-good nonsense, I said "Oh, well, we'll have to cancel. Okay, you just ring everyone up and tell them it's off. Then all you have to do is find room in the freezer for all the food and put it away, then you can lie around and recover. I'll go round to my friend's for the day".

Of course, he changed his mind then and got on with it. Didn't try it again, either. Knew I'd sussed him. But just one of the many reasons he's the ex-DH.

You go, OP, and have a lovely time.

SpiderVersed · 25/02/2022 17:40

I hope some time away from his controlling behaviour has helped you consider your options, OP.