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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work trip vrs slightly ill dh

478 replies

Lochnessgiraffe · 24/02/2022 08:10

I've got a work trip today. Staying overnight and coming back late tomorrow night. Dh is now moaning that he doesn't feel well and hinting that I should cancel.
I wfh, have only been their at work a few months and this is my first time to meet people from the office. I'm quite excited tbh.
Now dh is complaining about feeling unwell not covid just unwell and would prefer me to cancel.
We have teenagers who will be fine. They'll stay asleep until lunch then probably game all day. Might notice I'm not there.
So aibu to still go or should I stay home?

OP posts:
SiobhanSharpe · 24/02/2022 15:45

As your DH said he had recovered slightly was he in fact 'letting' you go...??
That wouldn't be great (and gives him the chance to play the martyr. )
Needs knocking on the head sharpish. Be brisk on your return and don't thank him!

LaLaLouella · 24/02/2022 15:51

I'm glad you've gone - don't put up with this sort of dickish behaviour, he's a grown man and needs to value and support you and your career

Clymene · 24/02/2022 16:02

Glad you've gone. I hope you have a great time and your new colleagues are interesting and appreciate you.

Sorry you're married to such an arse.

Perhaps you can use the journey home to reflect if you really want to be in a relationship like this

GeneLovesJezebel · 24/02/2022 16:06

Good for you !
Enjoy yourself and have a few drinkies 😉

Associatepeggy · 24/02/2022 16:07

How long have you been with him?

Honestly, the lying to avoid hassle causes more problems in the long run. I get why you would do it. If/when you get found out, it will cause more issues.

You really shouldn't be living like this.

Associatepeggy · 24/02/2022 16:09

Also, when you say you thought you were past it, when was the last tune he heaved like this?

19lottie82 · 24/02/2022 16:10

Sorry boss, I can’t come on the business trip…… my able bodied husband has a cold!

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 24/02/2022 16:20

The reason that he refers to your (above average) salary as 'pin money' is probably because you can live very comfortably on that salary without his financial support and the possibility of you being independent of him and making decisions based on your own preferences and not his gives him the fear.

SlightlyJaded · 24/02/2022 16:21

It was the use of the word 'only' that has irritated people OP... surely you can understand that isn't 'pin' money to most?

That aside - I'm glad you've gone. This is the definition of coercive behaviour. And you need to call it out Every. Single. Time.

On this occasion, if he says one more word you need to say "This is my job. Of course I am prioritising work during work hours - just as you do. You are an adult male with a cold. I will not be made to feel jumpy and guilty about making perfectly reasonable work decisions again, so don't even try it.".

Rinse and repeat.

Roselilly36 · 24/02/2022 16:30

@19lottie82

Sorry boss, I can’t come on the business trip…… my able bodied husband has a cold!
😂
Lookingforatimeslip · 24/02/2022 16:37

I’m glad you’ve gone. Your husband sounds like an arse. I remember several occasions where I threw my back out and had to cope with my two autistic kids and hobble up to school using a buggy as support to pick up the eldest.

Original poster
Lochnessgiraffe · 24/02/2022 16:38

I regret putting "only" but he makes me feel like it's nothing.
I can't mention dinner as he'd have really not wanted me to go.
He belittles my job. Which is infuriating. I manage 10 people. I've worked damm hard to get my salary. More than my parents even made but he makes me feel like shit. It's not enough for him.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 24/02/2022 16:40

@Lochnessgiraffe

I'm on a train at the moment. Thankyou to those who told me to go. I was thinking of not going but after sleeping this morning he's feeling better. He does have a tendancy to control. I thought we'd moved past it. I haven't told him about the dinner and won't as its not worth the aggravation. It would be poor me stuck at home while you have a jolly!
Hmmm If you are going to deal with this, I think he should know....he has to understand that he has NO control over what you choose to do.
godmum56 · 24/02/2022 16:41

@Lochnessgiraffe

I regret putting "only" but he makes me feel like it's nothing. I can't mention dinner as he'd have really not wanted me to go. He belittles my job. Which is infuriating. I manage 10 people. I've worked damm hard to get my salary. More than my parents even made but he makes me feel like shit. It's not enough for him.
why are you with him? How does he enrich your life?
LuckySantangelo35 · 24/02/2022 16:41

@Lochnessgiraffe

I regret putting "only" but he makes me feel like it's nothing. I can't mention dinner as he'd have really not wanted me to go. He belittles my job. Which is infuriating. I manage 10 people. I've worked damm hard to get my salary. More than my parents even made but he makes me feel like shit. It's not enough for him.
@Lochnessgiraffe Why do you think he wouldn’t have wanted you to go to the dinner? Because he thinks men will be chatting you up? Because he thinks you wouldn’t be able to resist any such advances? Because he can’t abide the thought of you enjoying yourself? What?
CiderJolly · 24/02/2022 16:42

Go and enjoy!

Oblomov22 · 24/02/2022 16:42

What a dick he is. Your teenagers will be fine.

toomuchlaundry · 24/02/2022 16:42

But he also expects you to do things round the house too and complains about how long you are on meetings

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/02/2022 16:43

But it’s enough for you. And it’s enough for you to live independently of him.

CiderJolly · 24/02/2022 16:45

And when you get back have a think about what you are getting out of this relationship- he sounds like a miserable manchild.

Throckmorton · 24/02/2022 16:46

And do you think it's worth staying with someone with so little respect for you? 60K is a fecking huge salary. Sure there are biggers ones, but compare it to the average!

BlingLoving · 24/02/2022 16:46

@Lochnessgiraffe

I regret putting "only" but he makes me feel like it's nothing. I can't mention dinner as he'd have really not wanted me to go. He belittles my job. Which is infuriating. I manage 10 people. I've worked damm hard to get my salary. More than my parents even made but he makes me feel like shit. It's not enough for him.
I'd say that having to keep dinner with your colleagues secret is a clear sign of a much bigger problem at home. He sounds like a complete dick.

Of course he wants to downplay your job. it's a good job, with responsibility and a decent wage. While you have that job, you are not dependent on him. You could walk away at any time.

He is a wanker. Sounds like you know this and have been trying to deal with it for a long time.

NinetyNineRedBalloonsGoBy · 24/02/2022 16:48

You earn good money OP, enough to live well by yourself! He has succeeded in making you think you need his money to have a nice life - you really don't.

Get rid OP. Enjoy your career, your own place and freedom. He's a controlling bastard.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 24/02/2022 16:49

He belittles my job. Which is infuriating. I manage 10 people. I've worked damm hard to get my salary. More than my parents even made but he makes me feel like shit. It's not enough for him.

It's worse than infuriating it's harmful. It's making you feel "lesser" as if your achievements don't count. It makes you feel like shit. That "only 60K" was a give-away about he is doing to you.

And how do you think his attitude is affecting your children and their view of you (and themselves)? How can they respect your achievements (and their own as they grow up and find work for themselves) if he doesn't, especially if you accept his disrespect by lying and hiding your social and workplace activities?

My DH has never ever treated my work disrespectfully or thought it meant I owed him service though I also earn considerably less than he does.

TheOrigRights · 24/02/2022 16:54

I regret putting "only" but he makes me feel like it's nothing.

And in turn, I apologise for picking up on this.

He sounds like a pig who has slowly ground you down.