Work trip vrs slightly ill dh

[Lochnessgiraffe]

I've got a work trip today. Staying overnight and coming back late tomorrow night. Dh is now moaning that he doesn't feel well and hinting that I should cancel.
I wfh, have only been their at work a few months and this is my first time to meet people from the office. I'm quite excited tbh.
Now dh is complaining about feeling unwell not covid just unwell and would prefer me to cancel.
We have teenagers who will be fine. They'll stay asleep until lunch then probably game all day. Might notice I'm not there.
So aibu to still go or should I stay home?

Do you really want to stay with this man?

Oh Op he sounds awful. Please don’t let him sabotage your job. He should be supportive not sneering at you. You are so beaten down you can’t see wood for trees.
Can you access any support or counselling via work.
I’d definitely look at a hobby just to get out meeting people.
You can’t be always walking on eggshells.

@Lochnessgiraffe

Nothing unfortunately. We haven't had sex of any kind in 3 years. I was a sahm of and on. He's just unfortunately brilliant at him job. He will do household stuff if I ask which is why we have a cleaner He informed me on Sunday that we are getting a new puppy in the next few months! So more work for me we already have 2 dogs

why do you stay? I mean why?

@Lochnessgiraffe

Nothing unfortunately. We haven't had sex of any kind in 3 years. I was a sahm of and on. He's just unfortunately brilliant at him job. He will do household stuff if I ask which is why we have a cleaner He informed me on Sunday that we are getting a new puppy in the next few months! So more work for me we already have 2 dogs

You earn 60K. You have a successful job managing 10 people. You already to the majority of the childcare.

He belittles you.
He belittles your career.
He undermines your attempts to make friends or have a network of support outside of your home.

What does he bring to this relationship?
You are more than capable of moving on without him.

@Lochnessgiraffe

Nearly 18 years. I'm crap at making friends and it seems to annoy him so I don't bother. He doesn't have any friends either

No, no. It's not that you are 'crap' at making friends it's that he doesn't want you to have friends so he makes it unpleasant for you.

He's purposely isolating you from sources of support. From people who would tell you to leave him. This is probably why he doesn't want you having dinners with coworkers, he's terrified you'll make friends.

Another dog???? This is intentional to tie you to the house. Would you or the DC want to leave the dog(s) behind? No? So how much harder will it be to find a new home for you, DC, and THREE dogs? This is along the same lines as an abuser who talks their victim into a 'marriage saving' baby or intentionally gets his victim pregnant.

So, we now have THREE major red flags:

1-Trying to isolate you financially by belittling your job and making things difficult for you in your duties.

2- Trying to isolate you socially by making it difficult for you to make friends.

3-Trying to bog you down with responsibilities so leaving is a 'hardship'.

You really, really need to take a look at the totality of your marriage. If I were you I'd seriously be looking for my way out.

Go!
I once had to take 10 children to see the Lego movie and McDonald’s with a full blown migraine. I had visual disturbance and had to wear sunglasses in the cinema! All I had with me to help was a stroppy teenager. Absolute nightmare.
Tell him to take two paracetamol and get a grip.

Red flags just look normal when you are wearing rose tinted specs.

Is he the father of the teens?

You have a good job. Your income is what many people have as a double income and live well enough.
Take this time away to think about what you really want from him and where this relationship is going.

@BoredZelda

*Ah so you feel people in jobs with higher salaries can’t also be in abusive or controlling relationships? hmm what a stupid comment to make. (and others making the same point)

Of course they can. But there is little to suggest that is what is happening here.

There is a huge amount in the OP's posts to suggest that this is a controlling and abusive relationship.

People in these relationships often minimise and justify the abuse and seek ways to blame themselves for it. That doesn't mean it isn't happening.

The OP has indicated that she is undervalued, isolated, manipulated and treated like servant. His wishes must be prioritised over her needs. He is an abuser and a coercive controller.

OP, you need a life where you are around people who treat you with respect, value your contribution and support you right to do things that bring you pleasure. It doesn't sound like these are happening for you right now.

Red flags just look normal when you are wearing rose tinted specs

What a fantastic way of putting it. This should be pinned to the top of every board on the site!

The dog is a classic one. A friend in an abusive relationship had this. He got a couple of big dogs that became solely her responsibility. She had to give him her expensive lovely small car because she needed to drive the dogs around (ended up driving his big, crappy old car!). She was kept so busy and exhausted she had no time time herself or to question things. Abusive men target strong, successful women, they are more fun to destroy. I'd be putting my foot down about the dog.

@Lochnessgiraffe

Nothing unfortunately. We haven't had sex of any kind in 3 years. I was a sahm of and on. He's just unfortunately brilliant at him job. He will do household stuff if I ask which is why we have a cleaner He informed me on Sunday that we are getting a new puppy in the next few months! So more work for me we already have 2 dogs

3 years, do you have the ick? I'd have the ick if I was married to a controlling knobhead.

The teenagers are big enough so instead of trapping you with a baby he's trying to do it with a puppy! Getting you away from your job and back to the house.

And no, a 60k job managing 10 people is never going to be good enough for him. What IS good enough for him is you quit your job, stay at home, do all the shitwork and pander to him. Of course he'll moan that you bring no money in, so he'll sack off the cleaner and leave it all to you. You never go out, no life, no friends, and when the kids eventually leave home, just him. You won't put a foot out of line or he'll react badly. That's what he wants. That's not a life, that's a jail sentence.

You don't deserve a life like that OP.

OP

With every post, it is more apparent that there is coercive control at play - at the very least. Also emotional abuse. He has ground you down and made you feel worthless.

Ask yourself this, on your wedding day, did you expect the following:

To have your job and salary belittled
To feel nervous and have to hide the fact that you have a work events
To be bullied into withdrawing from work commitments
To pick up all the slack at home despite working and bringing in a good salary
To have no friends
To have to explain yourself and your decisions to your husband to justify working.
To feel worthless
To feel 'less than'.

These things happen slowly and sneakily. A little seed planted here, a passing comment there and before you know it, this is your normal.

Perhaps this can be an opportunity for you to take stock and accept where you are and consider what you want to do about it. You HAVE options. GOOD options.

So you got back together with him in 2020 and haven't had sex? And your family are estranged because he's so awful?

You should never have gone back to him. He's a horrible man and your children would be much happier with you living apart.

Why are you still married to him!?

Nah go, my husband had COVID and I went away with our son. Your husband is being a pleb.

OP, I hope you enjoy the business trip and I hope a night away from home will give you some time to start thinking about your worth.

As is often common on here, people post with one problem but it turns out that this is the tip of a horrible iceberg.

OP, you earn a fantastic salary, are competent and capable and don’t need this man. If you aren’t happy with your life (and I don’t see how you can be) then maybe it’s time to look at what would make you happy. I don’t think another dog/puppy is the answer. Oh and he doesn’t get to make a unilateral decision about this so if you don’t want the pup then tell him it’s a no.

He's a disrespectful jerk. I see no reason for you to remain married to him.

Please enjoy your trip and really think about what you are getting out of this relationship.

He's not jealous that you're getting a meal out and he isn't, he could afford to eat out every night of the week.

He is pissed off that you're away, beyond his control, talking to folk he doesn't know, about things that do not involve him - he has NO relevance to what you're doing, no involvement.. THAT is what he doesn't like.

If you've got the skills and the knowledge to be earning that, and managing that many people... you do not NEED this controlling arsehole!

Tell him to get a grip!

He belittles my job. Which is infuriating. I manage 10 people. I've worked damm hard to get my salary. More than my parents even made but he makes me feel like shit. It's not enough for him.

So leave him again.

Fucking hell, OP. Your updates are unbearable.

Please please use the time and space you have away from him to start making your plan to LTB.

God, what a miserable relationship

Hope you're having/about to have a lovely evening out.

It has to be a hard no to a puppy-unless he does everything for it.

Seems as if he has the time to.

No question about it, you must Go!

I did go back and read some of your previous posts.
I think you sound lovely.

I hope you have a think about why you're still with him. I think your life would be much better without him dragging you down.