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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work trip vrs slightly ill dh

478 replies

Lochnessgiraffe · 24/02/2022 08:10

I've got a work trip today. Staying overnight and coming back late tomorrow night. Dh is now moaning that he doesn't feel well and hinting that I should cancel.
I wfh, have only been their at work a few months and this is my first time to meet people from the office. I'm quite excited tbh.
Now dh is complaining about feeling unwell not covid just unwell and would prefer me to cancel.
We have teenagers who will be fine. They'll stay asleep until lunch then probably game all day. Might notice I'm not there.
So aibu to still go or should I stay home?

OP posts:
Alicenwonderland · 24/02/2022 16:58

My ex was extremely controlling. It got worse as he gained more power over me eg we had another child, I was earning less money. I expect he knows full well you'd manage perfectly well without him which is why he undermines your job. Abusive men aren't always horrible, no one would stay if they were! It's a cycle of abuse, nice, nice, nice, horrible, nice, nice ect ect. They always promise to change and they will for a bit but it'll creep back in, they really don't change. If he's sulky and horrible when you get back and punishes you eg silent treatment, nasty comments ect ect I'd be seriously re thinking my relationship. Really glad you went op, have a lovely time and try to put it out of your mind.

RantyAunty · 24/02/2022 17:01

Glad that you went and are going to the dinner.

He really has some nerve to think you should take off work due to his sniffle. Cheeky.

Then to have to make him tea before you leave to warm up. Is he 5? Deeply unattractive.

His nose upturned at your very very good wage is is also deeply unattractive. I reckon he doesn't mind spending your "pocket money" salary does he!

You're both in the same industry, what would it take to get a job like his making twice as much doing half the work?

I'd be hell bent on doing it just to rub it in his face, but I'm petty like that to twatish men.

QOD · 24/02/2022 17:05

You’d lose all credibility unless he had confirmed covid and they wanted you to be sure you weren’t carrying it (I know laws changed today but I’d be pissed off if I went off and spent the evening next to someone whos other half had it)

Honestly you cannot cancel for such an unprofessional reason

pictish · 24/02/2022 17:13

Why would he not want you to go for dinner?

Original poster
Lochnessgiraffe · 24/02/2022 17:16

He'd be worried about I don't know what. Jealous and resentful that I got a dinner out and he didn't.
I don't have any friends so I'm really looking forward to it.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 24/02/2022 17:19

@Lochnessgiraffe

He'd be worried about I don't know what. Jealous and resentful that I got a dinner out and he didn't. I don't have any friends so I'm really looking forward to it.
Why don’t you have any friends OP?
pictish · 24/02/2022 17:20

I’m sorry…he’d be pissed off because you got a dinner out and he didn’t? What sort of arsehole is this?

Love is not putting up barriers to the things your partner enjoys. How could it be?

girlmom21 · 24/02/2022 17:22

@Lochnessgiraffe

He'd be worried about I don't know what. Jealous and resentful that I got a dinner out and he didn't. I don't have any friends so I'm really looking forward to it.
He earns at least £120k. He can afford to eat out and you can afford to not feel guilty about eating out without him.

Get a hobby OP. Meet some friends.

Associatepeggy · 24/02/2022 17:23

Op how long have you been married?

Stroopwaffle5000 · 24/02/2022 17:25

I am constantly astounded by the men I read about on MN. I can't actually believe that men like this exist, or that their partners put up with it!!! I'd be out the door like a shot!!!

Original poster
Lochnessgiraffe · 24/02/2022 17:26

Nearly 18 years.
I'm crap at making friends and it seems to annoy him so I don't bother.
He doesn't have any friends either

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 24/02/2022 17:26

Ah op, I would imagine your H hasn’t made making and maintaining friendships easy for you. Can’t believe anyone would be so selfish and resentful to begrudge their partner a meal out with friends/colleagues

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 24/02/2022 17:26

He'd be worried about I don't know what. Jealous and resentful that I got a dinner out and he didn't.

He's an indequate man who puts you down to make himself feel better. A man who makes up worries to keep you fussing around him. A man who who stops you having friends and having a normal good time - does he have any friends himself?

You do need a life of your own. Don't let him stop you. Lie if you have to but realise that this isn't normal behaviour in a husband.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 24/02/2022 17:27

Ah - cross post. You answered my question. Don't let him stop you having a life! Flowers

pictish · 24/02/2022 17:29

You say that Stroopwaffel but unless you’ve been in it, you don’t know. They don’t start out like unattractive toddlers who grudge a meal out with colleagues. It happens by insidious degrees. Many intelligent, independent and wilful women have found themselves in this place.

VorpalSword · 24/02/2022 17:33

I have a similar pay difference, well actually greater towards him. My husband is supportive, acknowledges I work hard, congratulates me on success.

I am also not great at making friends but he has actively encouraged me to try hobbies to make some. Sometimes practically pushed me out the door when I’ve had a confidence wobble.

I am not saying this as a brag - this is what it should be.

Your husband on the other hand has a history of bring coercive, belittles you and your work, makes you change your behaviour to avoid hassle.

Is this how you want your life to play out?

godmum56 · 24/02/2022 17:35

@VorpalSword

I have a similar pay difference, well actually greater towards him. My husband is supportive, acknowledges I work hard, congratulates me on success.

I am also not great at making friends but he has actively encouraged me to try hobbies to make some. Sometimes practically pushed me out the door when I’ve had a confidence wobble.

I am not saying this as a brag - this is what it should be.

Your husband on the other hand has a history of bring coercive, belittles you and your work, makes you change your behaviour to avoid hassle.

Is this how you want your life to play out?

yes this definitely. OP he really has you pistol whipped doesn't he?
midlifecrash · 24/02/2022 17:36

Gosh. I just read your posts and they get grimmer and grimmer. I was going to write something about him doing the dishwasher if he has so much more time available but it’s worse than that isn’t it. I hope you have a good time

BruceAndNosh · 24/02/2022 17:41

I'd be very surprised if the OP. husband managed to climb the career ladder to a 6 figure salary without the OP doing the majority of the house and childcare

PriamFarrl · 24/02/2022 17:42

So he gets funny if you make friends, doesn’t want you going out, complains that you don’t do housework at the same time at working.

What does he do that’s good?

Alicenwonderland · 24/02/2022 17:47

Please look into coercive control. Isolating you from family and friends (I don't believe for one second the issue is you on that one!) is a clear sign of abuse. People often think abuse is all about hitting you but it isn't, if they can control you in more subtle ways they will. I was always weighing up if it was worth the row and anger that would ensue. I remember finding out we had the dangerous cord blinds that can strangle children. We had a baby and a toddler. My ex refused to do anything so eventually I just cut them all with scissors. He was fuming. You shouldn't have to live in fear of his reaction to everything.

Original poster
Lochnessgiraffe · 24/02/2022 17:49

Nothing unfortunately. We haven't had sex of any kind in 3 years.
I was a sahm of and on.
He's just unfortunately brilliant at him job.
He will do household stuff if I ask which is why we have a cleaner
He informed me on Sunday that we are getting a new puppy in the next few months!
So more work for me we already have 2 dogs

OP posts:
Mistressiggi · 24/02/2022 17:50

You earn more than enough to start a new life without him.

Clymene · 24/02/2022 17:51

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

He'd be worried about I don't know what. Jealous and resentful that I got a dinner out and he didn't.

He's an indequate man who puts you down to make himself feel better. A man who makes up worries to keep you fussing around him. A man who who stops you having friends and having a normal good time - does he have any friends himself?

You do need a life of your own. Don't let him stop you. Lie if you have to but realise that this isn't normal behaviour in a husband.

Yeah, this.

You're in an abusive relationship OP.

Associatepeggy · 24/02/2022 17:52

@Lochnessgiraffe I did an search because I suspected there would be a long history of his poor behaviour.

You posted that you moved in with your dp in December 2020. You left your husband a while before that.

Did you go back to your husband? Why did you leave him originally? Because of this behaviour? Did he seek counselling either alone or with you?

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