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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by dd’s behaviour

449 replies

Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 18:18

I’ve posted in teenagers but got no replies and I’m feeling a bit upset. This is my problem I think, not dd’s. I just wish I could handle it better. Dd is 15 and autistic. She struggles with social situations and takes a particular dislike to certain people, such as my MIL (DH is dd’s stepdad). MIL was visiting her grandchildren (DH’s two dc) at ours and she had also baked a cake for dd’s birthday.

Dd had just come back from her boyfriend’s house and I asked her if she could say thank you to MIL. Dd didn’t want to, but then she came in, cut a chunk out of the cake, said it was disgusting and told me to fuck off. I’m mortified by her behaviour, but at the same time I know that she will have pressured herself to come in and be sociable, found it too much and lost control.

She finds MIL irritating because she talks a lot and so the issue with the cake will have been about control for Dd.

She’s now shut herself up in her room and has texted me, apologising for not being a good daughter.

I wish I had a better handle on things. She’s autistic, not bad - and I know I shouldn’t worry about how she appears to others. I just wish others could see the kind, funny girl that I can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 01/03/2022 00:31

Well I’m not going to do that.

OP posts:
bluedodecagon · 01/03/2022 06:54

I second the counselling. You seem pretty on edge and there probably is a bit of a feedback loop going on if your anxiety and your DD’s anxiety.

It can’t hurt!

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 01/03/2022 08:41

Well I’m not going to do that.

There is a lot of space between telling DH that MiL can't come to the house at all and discussing sensible visiting arrangements with him that take DD's needs into account.

DH is very close to his mum so he won’t ever see any wrong in her

Seems DD's disability is bringing other issues to a flashpoint. Yes it would all be easier if only DD would "make nice" but she can't and wont, so you may have some difficult conversations ahead with DH.

I agree with IdontWanna and bluedodecagon about counselling. I used it myself to great benefit when DS was diagnosed, and it could be good for you to have someone to talk to who can listen to you and support you to deal with this tricky emotional and family situation without going crazy with worry.

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 01/03/2022 11:29

I think it would be good to talk it through, but I’ve been so focused on Dd and the therapy she needs. She’s still not at school and she’s such a worry for me at the moment.

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 01/03/2022 12:00

I would put counselling for yourself on the agenda. It really made a difference to me and helped me to find ways through with DS too. A calm supportive space that made it possible for me to think about different solutions and look after myself too.

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 01/03/2022 16:57

DH’s private health insurance is going to cover autism from next month, so we might be able to get more specific support covered.

OP posts:
nanbread · 01/03/2022 20:57

@Atypicaldancer

DH’s private health insurance is going to cover autism from next month, so we might be able to get more specific support covered.
Oh wow that's good, can I ask who your supplier is and how long you waited to get it? What will it cover, just diagnosis, or support as well?
Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 01/03/2022 21:08

It’s AXA. Not sure yet, DH only found out today so I’m hoping it covers some support as well. I have already paid for her private diagnosis, but they didn’t fund it then and Dd couldn’t have waited any longer, even if we had known. His company offer a really good package which includes dependents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 02/03/2022 14:33

The local authority have agreed to assess Dd for an EHCP. I’m so relieved.

OP posts:
ArianaDumbledore · 02/03/2022 15:06

That's really good, there's good advice on the SN chat board if you need any through the process.

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 02/03/2022 16:42

I will look on there for some advice. Dd hasn’t really come out of her room for three days now and just texts ‘go away’ when I try to communicate with her. It’s very worrying.

OP posts:
ldontWanna · 02/03/2022 18:37

@Atypicaldancer

I will look on there for some advice. Dd hasn’t really come out of her room for three days now and just texts ‘go away’ when I try to communicate with her. It’s very worrying.
Is she eating and drinking? Are your attempts at communicating face to face or by text?
Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 02/03/2022 18:39

She is eating and drinking. I’ve communicated by text but when I got home tonight she had come out of her bedroom, had a roast dinner and chatted to me.

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 02/03/2022 23:44

I’m glad your DD has come out, eaten properly and spoken to you.

But, even though you’re dealing with a ND teenager ( and I don’t have a ND teenager), as a parent, I don’t think it’s OK for her to stay in her room for three days straight. If this happens again, knock on the door and ask to come in. It’s your house, OP, and you’re the adult, she can’t dominate like this. If you let her, it could get worse.

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 03/03/2022 02:05

I do go in. She has to take her medication every day which I supervise. She does come out for food/drink - just not to mix with the family/go to school.

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 03/03/2022 03:08

Ah. It’s still quite controlling behavior though, as if she can do whatever she likes regardless of the effect on other people in the house.

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 03/03/2022 06:45

She has a high need for control. It’s part of her condition.

OP posts:
onthegrindbaby · 03/03/2022 08:16

@Atypicaldancer I've been following your thread from the beginning but haven't contributed because other posters seem to have covered all bases (plus then some, with all the foot in mouth advice). But I wanted to share that I'm so happy she'll be assessed for an EHCP. My two were diagnosed a lot younger but still well older than most children. In the past year their EHCP provisions are slowly falling into place and it's become clear their needs are so much bigger than their schools or outsiders believed. They are now both in an autism resourced provision in a mainstream school and the change in them is remarkable. Hopefully it will help your DD as much.

What I see looking back is that getting their diagnosis and an EHCP has helped me enormously to accept that indeed my children are disabled and need different things than most others. I imagine like you I did always have an underlying fear that I was parenting wrong and although I told school and professionals for years how things were, I continued to try and get them to fit the neurotypical mold. It's been hard to shift my thinking from an anxious 'come on, just do it Angry' to ' oh my God, he's really not coping today - better remove some more expectations' but it's working. With the mask coming off they are becoming more obviously autistic, which I to my shame do find hard sometimes, but at the same time their true sunny and competent self is beginning to shine at the times when they are relaxed. At the same time I'm learning to adjust expectations of my own parenting/life: I can now see I will need to be there for them full-time a lot longer than I thought and likely won't be able to protect them from the pitfalls of rejection and loneliness I see so many of my other autistic family members in. But... maybe for this generation, the first to be diagnosed, we will be able to make the fall less hard by cushioning them with love, support and understanding.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/03/2022 08:18

You seem to be ignoring everyone's suggestions that YOU need some counselling too.

onthegrindbaby · 03/03/2022 08:29

And yes to the counselling for you. Not to change you or your DD, but to give you a space to adjust to the new normal. By relieving your own anxiety (and being able to be honest about your own needs and feelings), you'll help create a calmer environment for your DD. Emotional co-regulations is so helpful, I think.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 03/03/2022 09:11

I don’t have a ND teenager ... I don’t think it’s OK for her to stay in her room for three days straight

Of the available alternatives it's by no means the worst. It is functional behaviour. She is eating and sleeping and not harming herself or anyone else.

It’s your house, OP, and you’re the adult, she can’t dominate like this

There speaks the voice of inexperience. If one person has a need for control then the worst thing is to turn it into a power struggle. And if you perceive staying safely in her own room as "domination" then you are coming at this from the wrong angle.

It’s still quite controlling behavior though, as if she can do whatever she likes regardless of the effect on other people in the house.

Doing what she likes? You have no idea what DD might prefer to do. Or what she might not want to do but not be able to control herself from doing. She's safe in her room, and so is everyone else. This need for control is about safety and not just her own. DD knows she upsets other people, even without meaning to. Just as a tiny example, she goes in to see her birthday cake as her mother asks and it's a disaster, then she makes an effort to apologise to MiL but it doesn't help. The social world must feel utterly unsafe to her, even within her own family. She clearly has great regard for her effect on other people.

OP it's good that she feels safe enough to come out and chat to you. Hopefully as things calm down she will feel more able to come out and socialise.

nanbread · 03/03/2022 09:19

@Cameleongirl

I’m glad your DD has come out, eaten properly and spoken to you.

But, even though you’re dealing with a ND teenager ( and I don’t have a ND teenager), as a parent, I don’t think it’s OK for her to stay in her room for three days straight. If this happens again, knock on the door and ask to come in. It’s your house, OP, and you’re the adult, she can’t dominate like this. If you let her, it could get worse.

I think the key line in your post is "I don't have an ND teenager"

It would probably be helpful to the OP if posters educated themselves on PDA before posting

nanbread · 03/03/2022 09:20

@Atypicaldancer

The local authority have agreed to assess Dd for an EHCP. I’m so relieved.
This is great news, HOWEVER make sure the EP / others assessing know about PDA and masking
ArianaDumbledore · 03/03/2022 10:44

The anxiety underlying PDA type profiles is huge. Which is why some PDA'ers find traditional ASD support stratigies to be anxiety-inducing (visual timetables etc, it's just the constant "threat" of an upcoming demand)

Saying she's being controlling and dominating the household is just a really unhelpful position to take.

Also she may be reflecting how different she is to her peers as the 16 birthdays of girls I see, generally seem to be going out to eat with friends.

It's a hard place to be

Snoozer11 · 03/03/2022 11:06

I think you're making far too many excuses for her.