To be upset by dd’s behaviour

[Atypicaldancer]

I’ve posted in teenagers but got no replies and I’m feeling a bit upset. This is my problem I think, not dd’s. I just wish I could handle it better. Dd is 15 and autistic. She struggles with social situations and takes a particular dislike to certain people, such as my MIL (DH is dd’s stepdad). MIL was visiting her grandchildren (DH’s two dc) at ours and she had also baked a cake for dd’s birthday.

Dd had just come back from her boyfriend’s house and I asked her if she could say thank you to MIL. Dd didn’t want to, but then she came in, cut a chunk out of the cake, said it was disgusting and told me to fuck off. I’m mortified by her behaviour, but at the same time I know that she will have pressured herself to come in and be sociable, found it too much and lost control.

She finds MIL irritating because she talks a lot and so the issue with the cake will have been about control for Dd.

She’s now shut herself up in her room and has texted me, apologising for not being a good daughter.

I wish I had a better handle on things. She’s autistic, not bad - and I know I shouldn’t worry about how she appears to others. I just wish others could see the kind, funny girl that I can.

Thank you. I don’t think love harms a child. I’m not permissive - I’m quite strict about dd being out - I have to know exactly where she is and when she’s back. She’s usually at home or with someone I know. I don’t think love and care and understanding makes a child ‘bad’. I think neglect and trauma and abuse can harm a child. But love does not.

@Atypicaldancer

Thank you. I don’t think love harms a child. I’m not permissive - I’m quite strict about dd being out - I have to know exactly where she is and when she’s back. She’s usually at home or with someone I know. I don’t think love and care and understanding makes a child ‘bad’. I think neglect and trauma and abuse can harm a child. But love does not.

Completely agree.

Honestly you sound like a great Mum who's doing everything possible to help your DD to grow up happy and successful and find her path in life

[quote Atypicaldancer]@EYProvider her IQ is low normal and with the greatest of respect to you, as I know you are taking the time to offer advice, that approach would not and has not worked. She would probably most likely harm herself. I would suggest it is the autism that is the root cause of the meltdown, not her IQ.[/quote]
This does sound like PDA and it also sounds therefore like you're taking the right approach with not enforcing ever stricter boundaries and punishments as some are suggesting on here.

You're right to keep demands low and be cautious with rules and consequences, and trust is really important.

On the times you DO need to set a boundary, having really clear and logical reasoning why can sometimes help.

Declarative language can also help in framing demands.

MIL loved her flowers and I texted her thanking her for dd’s gifts. Dd still seems very hostile towards MIL and so I think the best thing to do is just take the pressure off completely, not put them in situations where Dd feels she has to interact with MIL and just see how it goes. She does struggle with certain people and situations.

@Atypicaldancer

MIL loved her flowers and I texted her thanking her for dd’s gifts. Dd still seems very hostile towards MIL and so I think the best thing to do is just take the pressure off completely, not put them in situations where Dd feels she has to interact with MIL and just see how it goes. She does struggle with certain people and situations.

Sounds like the best way to go. By the sounds of it your DD is also unable to let go of things and wipe the slate clean. This means the next incident won't be just that but on top of the cake ,and this and other thing that have happened since they met.

Always give warnings if possible when MIL is coming . Offer options, stay in her room, go out (including with you if possible), go/stay longer at boyfriends. Mention she's always welcome at MIL's but for any future invites it's up to her to decide if she wants to try, you won't even ask. She needs to know that she has some control and actual free (as in she can really do what she wants,it's not a trick question, you don't expect a certain action or answer and you are genuine in letting her decide with no fall out)choices but then it is up to her to take responsibility for them.

That’s good advice. DD has a very high need for control and so the more I push, the more she’ll push back. She went through a phase of being hostile to DH, after initially getting on well with him. He had a difficult 6 months of having to give her lots of space and she’s now accepted him and gets on well with him.

@Atypicaldancer I've read through this whole thread and just wanted to say what a fabulous job you're doing in the hardest of circumstances because you probably don't hear that enough.

I was very lucky with my DS. He was diagnosed very young (just before his third birthday) despite not having a very 'typical' presentation at all. This was because he had a great consultant, a very helpful health visitor and I was an SEN teacher with a masters in SEN and communication needs and methods. DS's diagnosis appointment turned into a sort of informal professionals discussion between me and the consultant because she valued what I was saying and was interested in hearing my views on his non-standard presentation. As I say, I was very very lucky.

However, there have still been times when I've been at an utter loss on how to deal with some of his behaviour. Lockdown I nearly lost him, CAMHS weren't willing to accept him and I was terrified he was going to head for a full breakdown at the age of 6. We somehow got through it but god knows how. It was one day, one hour, one minute at a time and lots of instinct and trying not to overthink and just respond to him in that moment.

I'm terrified of the teenage years. He shows me little glimpses of teenage behaviour that suggest it's going to be a rough ride and I'm dreading it. People assume I'll be fine because of my background but sometimes the issues and behaviour are so complex and so against what everyone else would do (with no experience of autism or that individual child) that it's a constant uphill battle.

So just to reiterate. You are facing enormous challenges. You are getting it from all corners telling you to do it differently, that she's just 'rude'. But you know your child inside out. You know that love is the most important thing. And you absolutely know in your gut what to prioritise. You are a wonderful mother and are doing brilliantly. Please don't forget that xx

I've got up with your thread.

It seems MIL comes over only to see the DSC and tbh doesn't it just flaunt it to DD that they aren't her family yet she is supposed to share her stuff with them whether she wants to or not?

Perhaps DH needs to take the DSC to visit his Mum at hers more often than MIL coming to yours and then in the meantime you and DD can work out some strategies to cope when she does come to visit.

I am shocked at the level of judgement after you clearly explained DDs issues, I guess it does show the level of ignorance around ASD and especially PDA.

You're doing a great job keeping going, parenting is bloody hard at times!

Thank you. MIL told DH that when she message ‘ok but I was disappointed,’ when Dd apologised, Dd responded with a ?
When she got no reply, Dd sent another ? and MIL didn’t respond because she didn’t want to get into an argument.
The problem is that Dd genuinely won’t have understood MIL’s response - she can’t infer very well. The ? will have been Dd trying to get MIL to clarify. It makes me sad for Dd that lots of people don’t understand her.
She was in her room sad today and she won’t be going to school tomorrow. Her life is quite small

@MollyBloomYes I’m sorry for the difficult times you’ve had with your Ds. Parenting is hard, isn’t it.

I’m autistic, as is my eldest daughter, and I have never told a relative to eff off despite feeling the urge many times. Obviously I’m not your daughter, and everyone’s different - but I don’t believe that someone who is mature enough to have a boyfriend and be out by themselves can’t be held accountable for horrible language and rudeness. In our house that would be serious talk and consequences time, and no way would autism be an excuse. Hiding away because you can’t cope, or finding it hard to talk, fine, but telling an older relative to f&@£ off and that something they’d taken time and care over was disgusting? No way.

@DIYandEatCake thanks for your response. I’m not suggesting it was pleasant behaviour. Unfortunately Dd can’t master her impulses well yet, but hopefully we will get there. We have obviously spoken about it and Dd has apologised.
Children with a PDA profile of autism do not respond to usual consequences.

I suppose it’s also worth me pointing out that Dd hates herself when she loses control. She watches shows about teenagers who are out of control to reassure herself that she’s not bad. She worries that I won’t love her anymore. Although she has a boyfriend and can go out independently- she has extremely low processing speeds and poor impulse control. There will be autistic people who have much better emotional regulation than dd. We are working on the skills she needs, but it will take time. A draconian punishment will make her hate herself more and possibly end with her in hospital or badly hurt.

Why is MIL texting her directly?

I don’t really get it. You said that she got used to DH because he was very quiet and unobtrusive. And that she doesn’t like MIL. Why are they texting?

This is the opposite of a softly softly approach.

I’m begging you to examine your motivations here. Something isn’t right.

I asked her to message MIL and apologise. I thought that was the right thing to do at the time.

They don’t usually text. You must see how I’m getting quite mixed messages from different posters on the thread. I did think she should say sorry directly if she could.

MIL then unfortunately replied ‘OK but I was disappointed’ which DD won’t have understood.

Hi op

Oh dear, but MIL needs to understand this is not about her, she needs to get some understanding of what's going on.

Have you and your add ever considered a safe word? Something she can say or even just text, when she really can't cope and needs you to take over and get her out of a tricky situation?

I'm not sure direct contact with MIL is a good idea. Your daughter doesn't like MIL and MIL knows it. Most people aren't going to go out of their way to communicate with someone they know doesn't like them. You need to write this relationship off.

You seem to allow her to behave hiw she wants to. I've worked with numerous autistic people. They learn to mask, which means they say "thank you" even though they don't mean it, then go elsewhere to vent. They have to learn the rules otherwise they'll get treated badly by the outside world.

@Beautiful3 no I do not allow her to behave how she wants to. She’s newly diagnosed and was in her own home, when it all became too much. She can’t always mask.

@Beautiful3

You seem to allow her to behave hiw she wants to. I've worked with numerous autistic people. They learn to mask, which means they say "thank you" even though they don't mean it, then go elsewhere to vent. They have to learn the rules otherwise they'll get treated badly by the outside world.

Have you considered that the ones that have severe issues with processing and regulation won't be working at your work place if at all? Which is one of OP's worries.

Exactly. And I know what masking means, so I don’t need that explaining to me.

I don’t really understand the ‘I know someone with autism…’ type posts. My nephew is autistic and non-verbal and yet I know lots of people with autism who can speak.