To be upset by dd’s behaviour

[Atypicaldancer]

I’ve posted in teenagers but got no replies and I’m feeling a bit upset. This is my problem I think, not dd’s. I just wish I could handle it better. Dd is 15 and autistic. She struggles with social situations and takes a particular dislike to certain people, such as my MIL (DH is dd’s stepdad). MIL was visiting her grandchildren (DH’s two dc) at ours and she had also baked a cake for dd’s birthday.

Dd had just come back from her boyfriend’s house and I asked her if she could say thank you to MIL. Dd didn’t want to, but then she came in, cut a chunk out of the cake, said it was disgusting and told me to fuck off. I’m mortified by her behaviour, but at the same time I know that she will have pressured herself to come in and be sociable, found it too much and lost control.

She finds MIL irritating because she talks a lot and so the issue with the cake will have been about control for Dd.

She’s now shut herself up in her room and has texted me, apologising for not being a good daughter.

I wish I had a better handle on things. She’s autistic, not bad - and I know I shouldn’t worry about how she appears to others. I just wish others could see the kind, funny girl that I can.

@Justilou1 'You deliberately hurt X’s feelings'
Do you honestly think that? You are so wrong if you do.

The psychologist said Dd needs simple, single sentence instructions, prefaced with her name. She wouldn’t process a wordy explanation and she does need time to understand why something might not be appropriate.

She sounds very rude and it sounds like you’re making excuses for her.

Thanks @Aproperteaparty - she’s apologised, so I’m not going to destroy her over this. Are you surprised that someone with autism has poor social skills and has meltdowns in social situations?

My autistic is 14 (almost 15) he has been home educated due to not being able to deal with a big noisy classroom. He started college in September to do some GCSEs and a 'life skills' type of course. It works well because he doesn't have to start til 11 so suits a teenagers natural body clock plus he has some sleep issues like many autistic people. He only goes 3 days a week which is easier to cope with than a full 5 days. Socially it has worked well as his best friend is at the college too and he can hang out with some of their classmates without him having to do the full on ice breaking type of thing as his BF does that bit!

It’s easy to just say someone is rude. Much easier than trying to understand their difficulties. I’ve been in hospital with Dd three times; had to deal with self harming episodes; social isolation; her inability to make friends; attend lessons at school; attend school at all - sometimes she can’t even go outside. She can’t wear certain textures. Sometimes she doesn’t eat. She collects drink cans in different colours and hoards the same black clothes obsessively. She has to watch TV with subtitles on because she can’t process actions and talking simultaneously. But it’s easier to just say she’s rude.

@Averyproperteaparty

She sounds very rude and it sounds like you’re making excuses for her.

The OP hasn't denied she was rude. But the reason was because she is autistic and having a meltdown. You can call it an excuse if you like but those are the facts. And unfortunately when you are autistic or the parent or an autistic DC you have to deal with that. And the OP is doing a brilliant job of it.

Thanks @UndertheCedartree, I’m hopeful that college will be a better environment for her.

And yes, she absolutely was rude - but there are reasons behind that behaviour. Some of the reasons were my fault as much as hers. Blame and just saying someone is ‘bad’ doesn’t fix the issue. A neurotypical teen would be able to say thank you, that looks delicious and I’ll try some later - even if that wasn’t true. Dd can’t do that.

I also wanted to say that a lot of people are saying 'she needs to learn to live in the real world etc'. She has only just got her diagnosis. She has lots and lots going on. It is unsurprising that she isn't ready for that. She will get there but it needs to be one step at a time.

I hope so. I’m not certain she will ever be able to live in the real world, but I know she will make strides in the next few years. The double whammy of autism and puberty can’t be fun.

Yes. That’s why she’s having extensive therapy.

OP, you mentioned further up the thread that your daughter has other additional needs, including a low IQ. I would suggest that it’s that rather than her autism that is causing her to act without inhibition or regard for other people. In the kindest possible way, children like your daughter need very firm boundaries and consistent behaviour management strategies. They need to be treated like much younger children with immediate consequences for behaviour of the type your opening post describes. You should have dealt with the behaviour firmly at the time, given her an immediate consequence that she could understand and then moved on.

Of course, it is very hard to parent a child who is as challenging as you describe. But you really won’t do her any favours by feeling sorry for her. The only way to improve the situation is to lay down the law and then consistently apply it, like you would with a toddler. Good luck, OP - after 15 years, she will probably strongly resist any attempt you make to impose boundaries. But I’m quite sure she will be happier for it in the long run. And if she isn’t, your mother in law at least will be!

@EYProvider her IQ is low normal and with the greatest of respect to you, as I know you are taking the time to offer advice, that approach would not and has not worked. She would probably most likely harm herself. I would suggest it is the autism that is the root cause of the meltdown, not her IQ.

I think she has PDA and so demands in themselves are incredibly distressing. I’ll let the professionals guide me here, but I am still learning myself.

I have two beautifully behaved dc who are always polite and thriving at school. Dd2 has the highest number of merits in her whole year group and has won countless awards. DS is super polite. I teach teens. I know about boundaries. I promise you - it’s not my ignorance that’s causing this. She’s autistic.

My autistic DC also has my DP's DM visit so a similar set up.

I find it very strange that MIL treats your DD differently from her DGC as mine is very good at making sure the 'step child' doesn't feel different/ left out/ lesser.

ie did MIL not get DD anything for her birthday other than a cake?

I'd expect the same present / card etc as her 'blood' grandchildren.

No wonder DD feels the way she does.

Why did you and DH decide on this 'model' of blended family, as it seems to be a source of conflict?

@feulageller she did get her a gift as well, of course. I’m not sure what you mean by ‘model of blended family.’

MIL does try to make Dd feel equal, but Dd can’t cope with that. The grandchildren are smaller too, so they need more attention. It would actually be better for dd if MIL ignored her a bit.

@EYProvider

OP, you mentioned further up the thread that your daughter has other additional needs, including a low IQ. I would suggest that it’s that rather than her autism that is causing her to act without inhibition or regard for other people. In the kindest possible way, children like your daughter need very firm boundaries and consistent behaviour management strategies. They need to be treated like much younger children with immediate consequences for behaviour of the type your opening post describes. You should have dealt with the behaviour firmly at the time, given her an immediate consequence that she could understand and then moved on.

Of course, it is very hard to parent a child who is as challenging as you describe. But you really won’t do her any favours by feeling sorry for her. The only way to improve the situation is to lay down the law and then consistently apply it, like you would with a toddler. Good luck, OP - after 15 years, she will probably strongly resist any attempt you make to impose boundaries. But I’m quite sure she will be happier for it in the long run. And if she isn’t, your mother in law at least will be!

OP's priority is not and should never be her MIL.

Your post was valid if slightly misguided as that approach won't work for a lot of autistic children regardless of their IQ. That last sentence is pure bs though.

@Atypicaldancer

Yep there’s no way that would work with Dd either. It would escalate very quickly. She once took an overdose because she was so distressed at losing her phone (back in the days when I didn’t know she was autistic and I didn’t know how to handle her behaviour). She will run away, hurt herself or become angry and distressed. She can’t regulate her emotions at all, so she needs a very calm neutral face and proportionate responses.

What work is being done to help her learn to recognise her feelings/triggers and regulate herself?

She sees a psychotherapist who has looked at different calming techniques- colouring, cuddling the cat etc that help dd. She has a meditation recording to listen to, though she won’t always engage with that. She has a chart to fill in with automatic and rational thoughts. She has a psychiatrist who deals with medication so a lose dose of sertraline helps regulate her moods. The pill regulates her hormones. She attends a youth group for social skills.

And yes, though I do feel for MIL, Dd will always be my priority. She knows that and feels secure in my love.

@Atypicaldancer

And yes, though I do feel for MIL, Dd will always be my priority. She knows that and feels secure in my love.

This is really obvious from all your posts throughout this thread and you sound like a fantastic mum

It can't be easy to deal with when it affects your relationships with others as a result but there's no denying you're doing everything you can for your Dd. Anyone who doesn't understand that she's your number 1 priority isn't worth it