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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men should have the right to not want a baby

999 replies

user57639206 · 23/02/2022 17:51

NC as I've been shot down a few times in real life for having this opinion.

I find it bizarre that women can decide that they don't want a baby and opt for a termination (just to clarify, I completely agree with this. It's her right to choice) but when a man decides now isn't the right time, right partner or whatever the reason - he's labelled a arsehole, good for nothing or irresponsible.

Surely if a woman has the right to say "no, not right now/not for me" a man should have the same right? Without being labelled or judged!

I've seen it a few times in real life, be it from a one night stand or a not so serious relationship. The woman wants to keep the baby, the man says he doesn't (but doesn't suggest an abortion), and he's thrown under the bus.

I know there is a big difference in some sense because obviously, the woman goes through all the physical changes/trauma of having a baby - but when are men then taken to court for CA or have knives shoved in their backs for not wanting a baby?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Rdsdadmum · 25/02/2022 16:36

If you're in a stable relationship and leave over a pregnancy, that's not very stable. But not only leave, but have no contact and outright refuse any contributions.

If that's what any man would do in a 'stable relationship' then he needs to still wear condoms.

You say it like it's unfathomable to wear condoms. Male pleasure is so important, it's just ridiculous. Yes, wear condoms.

Honestly the assumptions you made in this are actually ridiculous. You have no clue what you're talking about when it comes to my personal circumstances so please don't assume anything else to try and argue your point further.

All I can see in this thread is loads of angry single mothers, take your hate somewhere else.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 25/02/2022 16:46

Why do you assume we are single mothers ?

Rdsdadmum · 25/02/2022 16:51

Because its clear that many of the people posting on this thread have an emotional bias.

Kendodd · 25/02/2022 16:52

I'm married with three kids.
I will never send my son the message that he can go around having sex and just abandoning any children produced, not his problem. Can't believe any mother is happy for her son to behave like that.

ILoveYou3000 · 25/02/2022 16:54

Think you need some comprehension lessons.

What assumptions were made about you specifically in the post you quoted? Other than perhaps one, which stated how your post could be interpreted.

And why presume we're all single mothers?

BasicBinaryBltch · 25/02/2022 16:55

@Rdsdadmum

Because its clear that many of the people posting on this thread have an emotional bias.

It's very clear you have emotional bias as a man. Stop impregnating women, then you won't have to be responsible Wink

WindyState · 25/02/2022 17:00

@Rdsdadmum

Because its clear that many of the people posting on this thread have an emotional bias.
Nope, not a single mother.

Good try though.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 25/02/2022 17:01

I have been married for 17 years.
DS was unplanned, DH was keener on continuing the pregnancy than me. But I think we both knew if I terminated it would have meant the end of our relationship.

Rdsdadmum · 25/02/2022 17:08

Knew that would get you lot going 🤣🤣🤣 sisters in arms 💪

RufustheFloralmissingreindeer · 25/02/2022 17:11

@Rdsdadmum

Knew that would get you lot going 🤣🤣🤣 sisters in arms 💪
Oh behave 😀

You haven’t got anyone ‘going’

ILoveYou3000 · 25/02/2022 17:13

@Rdsdadmum

Knew that would get you lot going 🤣🤣🤣 sisters in arms 💪
Oh dear. How embarrassing.
RitaJosephina · 25/02/2022 17:17

Actions have consequences. As simple as that. Don't have sex if you cannot deal with consequences. It applies to many other things like drinking alcohol, driving a car etc.

WindyState · 25/02/2022 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Kendodd · 25/02/2022 17:24

The supporters of men just walking away, is that what you tell your sons?
You can just go out, have sex, and walk away from any unwanted human being you create?

Neurodiversitydoctor · 25/02/2022 17:33

Rdsdadmum

Knew that would get you lot going 🤣🤣🤣 sisters in arms
I don't know about anyone else but that kind of statement make me really want to sleep with you.

Nemorth · 25/02/2022 18:14

Who said this?

I don't know anyone who uses condoms in a stable relationship but each to their own.

I can't find them to reply.

I've been married almost 18 years. With my DH for 20 years.

I have the mirena coil but because we conceived easily when we did try we are extra careful not to take chances. So WE use condoms

So you know me now. Stable relationship. 20 years plus. DH happily uses condoms.

Because he knows contraception is as much his responsibility as it is mine.

Thethuthinang · 25/02/2022 18:20

So for OP the logic of "it's the woman's body"logic doesn't resolve the unfairness entirely. Okay. Let's look at the consequences of a new rule.... Man can opt out of support, and woman may be left raising child alone, or woman aborts. 1) I think this means significantly less pressure on men across the board to be careful at time of insertion. Why should he be? They now have a very easy way to avoid any of the consequences of pregnancy. Women still have to deal with the emotional and psychological fallout of abortion. 2) Relationships with power imbalances are a thing. Now men have suddenly no accountability for seduction, trickery, and manipulation. Men have a whole new "if you don't behave I will..." cudgel to use on women. 3) Children. You have a new category of children born to mothers who hesitated to abort, possibly because they were being strung along or manipulated, and those children are living in economically precarious circumstances. What if something happens to the mother? 4) In court, whether child support is owing now depends not on a paternity test, a simple objective test, but on the not simple question of what the bloke chose and when he chose it. 5) And when does the man have to make the choice? Before sex? Three weeks along? Eight weeks? Six months along?Before sex? Can he change his mind? Does it have to be notarized in writing? 6) Does this rule apply within married couples?

I think it's a mess, frankly. And one that tends to reduce accountability and equate abortion with birth control.

Katie2017 · 25/02/2022 18:27

Women choose to go it alone via sperm donor and there is no guy to be chased for money. Why is that allowed? Where is the child's right to have financial support from a father?

cuno · 25/02/2022 18:31

@Katie2017

Women choose to go it alone via sperm donor and there is no guy to be chased for money. Why is that allowed? Where is the child's right to have financial support from a father?
You could say the same about a single man who uses a surrogate. Hugely irrelevant.
BasicBinaryBltch · 25/02/2022 18:32

@Katie2017

Women choose to go it alone via sperm donor and there is no guy to be chased for money. Why is that allowed? Where is the child's right to have financial support from a father?

This is whattaboutery, and tbh most of those women have enough money to do that, their kids aren't going without - although it's true about the male influence and role models I suppose

DryOldCaper · 25/02/2022 18:58

So you know me now. Stable relationship. 20 years plus. DH happily uses condoms.

Because he knows contraception is as much his responsibility as it is mine.

Condoms for 20+ years? What an unnecessary faff.

Condoms were also our contraception of choice until our family was complete.

And then, because DH genuinely knew contraception was as much his responsibility as mine, and it was only fair he took a turn at stepping up to the plate, he had a vasectomy.

DePfeffoff · 25/02/2022 19:04

A woman gets pregnant : she wants to continue the pregnancy, the man doesn't and wants to walk away. He's called an arsehole, irresponsible or awful

The difference is that he's leaving his living child to grow up without financial or emotional support from his father in circumstances where he could, normally, very easily have avoided that by straightforward contraception.

Nemorth · 25/02/2022 19:07

@DryOldCaper

So you know me now. Stable relationship. 20 years plus. DH happily uses condoms.

Because he knows contraception is as much his responsibility as it is mine.

Condoms for 20+ years? What an unnecessary faff.

Condoms were also our contraception of choice until our family was complete.

And then, because DH genuinely knew contraception was as much his responsibility as mine, and it was only fair he took a turn at stepping up to the plate, he had a vasectomy.

My DH has offered to get a vasectomy several times.

I always say no just in case something happens to me (My mum died when I was 8) or we divorce and he decides he wants more children.

Why should us being happy to use condoms be of any concern to you? Ha ha ha. It's not a faff for us at all.

There's other reasons why we prefer condoms anyway.

SkyrocketAway · 25/02/2022 19:15

although it's true about the male influence and role models I suppose

Is that necessary? What about lesbian relationships, they don't have a father there to be the male role model.

I am not saying this means men should be able to walk away, just curious about that and its relation to "father figures".

BasicBinaryBltch · 25/02/2022 19:24

@SkyrocketAway

although it's true about the male influence and role models I suppose

Is that necessary? What about lesbian relationships, they don't have a father there to be the male role model.

I am not saying this means men should be able to walk away, just curious about that and its relation to "father figures".

Two parents is the main thing, you're right I wasn't even thinking about same sex parents. Male influence is also good, but it doesn't have to be a father, could be anyone so probably not that relevant

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