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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Married a widower?

124 replies

jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 17:50

AIBU to think that a man should not enter a relationship if he still has feelings for another woman, even if she's dead?
Has anyone ever married a widower? I just think it must be so hard to step into another woman's shoes! The constant comparison and the husbands 'Rebecca syndrome' somehow they think it's ok to keep photos on display and screen savers of the deceased but that would never happen in a relationship where a man still loved his ex but she'd left him. Films are full of such scenarios, seen most recently on BBCs Chloe.
I don't even get the children thing, if I married a man who still had wedding photos around the house of the day he got married to his ex and he used his children as an excuse I'd be so uncomfortable.

OP posts:
BantersaurusSex · 23/02/2022 20:52

@Whereohwhereohwhere

Oh my goodness. I'm a widow married to a widower! Love isn't exclusive. My heart is big enough and wise enough to know I can love both my alive and my dead husband and him the same.
This!
Cocomarine · 23/02/2022 20:53

[quote jillycooperfun]@Cocomarine you must have been intrigued enough to read all the postsWink
I think this Rebecca syndrome is pretty interesting too.
[/quote]
Again, you just come across as a bit dim.

I’m not “intrigued” by your preference for fiction over fact as education. Slightly despairing of it, I suppose.

I opened your thread because it was called “Married a widower?”, and I did.

In the past I’ve had some lovely conversations, and enlightening ones, on here with women who have experience of this from various angles - married to widowers like me, widowed themselves, daughters with second wife stepmothers.

They’ve all managed to avoid childish words like “creepy”.

Cocomarine · 23/02/2022 20:54

@2bazookas

OP has a very strange take on films! In "Rebecca", the widowed husband hated the dead wife. In "Chloe", the widowed husband had murdered his dead wife.
Like I said, @jillycooperfun is a bit dim 🤷🏻‍♀️
Original poster
jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 20:54

@Cocomarine I definitely shouldn't have called it creepy! Bad word choice, clearly watching too much tv

OP posts:
Hopeisnotastrategy · 23/02/2022 20:54

@JustLyra

My DH was widowed when we met. He was widowed very young and DS1 was a toddler.

Yes, we have photos of his late wife up. My kids have photos of their Mum up so why shouldn't DS1? There's not hundreds of them, but some - the first pic of DS when he was born (I also have the one of my girls with ex and I). One of their wedding photo is up in amongst a selection of pics as it has DH's grandparents and DS's grandfather in it who are all dead now.

She's not my rival. She never has been. DH loved her. He misses her, especially on days like DS's birthday or when he went to uni, but that's entirely natural.

Our relationship is different and solid enough that it's not an issue.

In fact the day that DS said that he wanted to call me Mum it was actually his Gran who told me that her daughter loved being his Mummy and leaving him was her biggest fear and she truly believed she'd be happy that he now (years later) has a Mum who loves him.

it doesn't have to be a rivalry.

@JustLyra

This strikes me as a truly loving post. Life can be messy and complex sometimes (as I know only too well) but love and kindness are just fundamental to any kind of a life well lived.

I salute you. 💕

jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 20:59

This reply has been deleted

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JustLyra · 23/02/2022 21:07

This strikes me as a truly loving post. Life can be messy and complex sometimes (as I know only too well) but love and kindness are just fundamental to any kind of a life well lived.

@Hopeisnotastrategy They really are.

Plus I firmly think that what we live and who we love make us who we are today. Every relationship we have - romantic, friendship or otherwise, shapes us - they add little bits, refine little bits, educatate little bits...
So, if DH hadn't met and loved his late first wife he wouldn't be who he is.

MsPavlichenko · 23/02/2022 21:09

You don’t “get over” a loss. You learn to live your life around it but it doesn’t go away. Neither does love. The person may be gone, the love we shared remains.

Re photos. There are a couple of my XH up. Mainly for the DC obviously but also because it’s part of my life, we shared a past and that’s a fact regardless of our parting.

Moonface123 · 23/02/2022 21:10

My husband died young, l have dated but it was like they were in competition with a ghost, and also the fact that my two sons are spitting image of my late husband. If people are weak minded and jealous thats not my problem, thats on them, and the widowed forums l am on are often discussing this topic and how off putting it is.
Being widowed young is bad enough, without having to put up with all the jealously shit.

mrsrat · 23/02/2022 21:12

This reply has been deleted

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Anonymous48 · 23/02/2022 21:16

[quote jillycooperfun]@Cocomarine I definitely shouldn't have called it creepy! Bad word choice, clearly watching too much tv[/quote]
Maybe in the future you should think more clearly about your word choice when you are talking about and with people who have lost their spouses. This is real life, not TV.

Lonecatwithkitten · 23/02/2022 21:27

I was a divorcee and DH a widower.

DH lives with my unfaithful toad of an ex-H constantly throwing his grenades into our lives.
I live with knowing he adored his first wife and was faithful to her through their marriage even though the were not intimate for the last 8 years due to her illness. He then choose to marry me. He has a huge heart and loves my daughter likes his own though never oversteps the mark and has never tried to be her Dad. The day I knew he was the one for me we watched DD get a big award we didn't know she was going to get and tears of pride rolled down his face.
We have both been hurt in different ways and have our own fears related to this. Before I had had a Covid vaccine he was terrified I would catch a covid and die.
Many men would not be able to deal with my Ex being such a twat, not all women want to marry a widower. We are all different and have different relationships that's what makes the world go round.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 23/02/2022 21:36

[quote jillycooperfun]@AlternativePerspective google Rebecca syndrome, it's from a very famous novel and there has been a few films made about it, Daphne de mourier. It's a syndrome where a wife feels 2nd place to the deceased[/quote]
You haven't actually read Rebecca, have you.

MNHQ
LivMumsnet · 23/02/2022 21:37

Evening all - we've had a fair few reports about this thread from people concerned about the OP's motives in starting it. We can never vouch for anyone here 100% but we can confirm that that OP has been posting on here for a little while.

The OP may not have approached the subject in the most, ahem, sensitive way (to say the least) and we're sorry to anyone who has been upset or offended by the tone of some posts. We've deleted some posts breaking our Talk Guidelines.

That said, we can see that there are many moving and eloquent posts on the thread, describing MNers' experiences of coping with grief and loss, which may be really helpful to others going through similar. For that reason, we think it would be a shame to remove the thread entirely and will leave it standing for now. Thank you to everyone who has shared their thoughts so far. Flowers

Finallylostit · 23/02/2022 21:39

Justlyra - what a beautiful MIL and what she said.

I have an EX - still have odd photos of him and DCS in the house - he is their Dad. Does not bother me or my current partner- different time and yes I did once love him but that has changed and I now care what happens to him for my DCS, not for me.

Glad my DP and I are on the same page

Tryingtokeepgoing · 23/02/2022 21:40

@jillycooperfun

I think people can enter a new relationship after death of a loved one but not just because they don't want to be alone, they must truly love that person and be prepared in many ways to move on from that past relationship
You appear to be completely lacking in empathy, and indeed be somewhat neurotic and/or controlling. You don’t ‘move on’ from the spouse you’re bereaved from, you learn to live with it. The great thing about love is that it’s not limited or rationed…continuing to love a dead spouse doesn’t limit the love available for another person…the two can coexist. A previous poster used the very good analogy that when you have second child, you don’t love the first one less.
LolaButt · 23/02/2022 21:51

Nice that you’ve continued to post about this in such a jovial manner OP.

Perhaps some life experience and empathy would help you.

BantersaurusSex · 24/02/2022 19:42

@Lonecatwithkitten

I was a divorcee and DH a widower. DH lives with my unfaithful toad of an ex-H constantly throwing his grenades into our lives. I live with knowing he adored his first wife and was faithful to her through their marriage even though the were not intimate for the last 8 years due to her illness. He then choose to marry me. He has a huge heart and loves my daughter likes his own though never oversteps the mark and has never tried to be her Dad. The day I knew he was the one for me we watched DD get a big award we didn't know she was going to get and tears of pride rolled down his face. We have both been hurt in different ways and have our own fears related to this. Before I had had a Covid vaccine he was terrified I would catch a covid and die. Many men would not be able to deal with my Ex being such a twat, not all women want to marry a widower. We are all different and have different relationships that's what makes the world go round.
This is lovely to read.

What I can't understand is why the OP is so interested in this subject?

MrsDThomas · 24/02/2022 19:51

My mum died 14 years ago and my dad remarried last year.

Absolutely nothing creepy about having my mum’s photos up.

Unless you’re a widow yourself, you have zero place to comment.

peboh · 24/02/2022 19:53

The thing is they'll always have feelings for the person who has passed if they're a widow/widower. The relationship didn't break down, they didn't fall out of love. Their partner died.

Do they not get to have another chance at love because they sadly lost somebody they loved? This is such a heartless post. One of the worst I've seen on here.

Hadjab · 24/02/2022 20:18

@jillycooperfun

Maybe I am just a super jealous person but there is no way I could marry a widower unless he was over his deceased wife and able to cope without a shrine
I wouldn't worry about it, pretty sure after a little time spent in your company, they'll be running a mile...
Willyoujustbequiet · 24/02/2022 20:46

If you're jealous of the dead you're a very small, insecure person and I feel pity for you.

I would find it incredibly odd for a widower to not have photos of their first wife. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

It's so controlling to believe you can tell someone how to grieve. As if your discomfort comes anywhere near the pain of losing a spouse. Hmm

TuscanApothecary · 24/02/2022 22:49

I don't think it's odd to feel second best to a dead spouse if you're under 50.

There's plenty of support groups ect out there for those people. I know I wouldn't like it. I don't think that's insecurities or jealousy, more like I was invading someone else's love story and I want my own love story.

But then some people may say the same about divorced people and I'm soon to be divorced.

bluedodecagon · 25/02/2022 07:04

Look, the OP can’t spell and, from her responses, can barely read or write. No cure for the hard of thinking.

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