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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Married a widower?

124 replies

jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 17:50

AIBU to think that a man should not enter a relationship if he still has feelings for another woman, even if she's dead?
Has anyone ever married a widower? I just think it must be so hard to step into another woman's shoes! The constant comparison and the husbands 'Rebecca syndrome' somehow they think it's ok to keep photos on display and screen savers of the deceased but that would never happen in a relationship where a man still loved his ex but she'd left him. Films are full of such scenarios, seen most recently on BBCs Chloe.
I don't even get the children thing, if I married a man who still had wedding photos around the house of the day he got married to his ex and he used his children as an excuse I'd be so uncomfortable.

OP posts:
PollyPepper · 23/02/2022 17:53

they think it's ok to keep photos on display and screen savers of the deceased but that would never happen in a relationship where a man still loved his ex but she'd left him

Hardly the same, is it?

Chasingsquirrels · 23/02/2022 17:55

Is it only men who you think shouldn't do this?

BoredBoredBoredB · 23/02/2022 17:55

Widowers are probably jollier than divorcés in many cases.

navigatingcrumbs · 23/02/2022 17:58

I think it's fine to have some photos actually. They didn't spilt up they died.

What is weird is my MIL has a photos of PIL even though she left him and divorced him 10 years before he died and he happily remarried. People are strange.

Original poster
jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 18:03

Maybe to keep photos but on display, it's creepy

OP posts:
CareBear50 · 23/02/2022 18:06

How is it creepy? Similarish scenario.....If your best friend died surely you would honour their memory with photos? Also doesn't mean you can't find new friend either? I think you're being unreasonable

Whereohwhereohwhere · 23/02/2022 18:08

Oh my goodness. I'm a widow married to a widower! Love isn't exclusive. My heart is big enough and wise enough to know I can love both my alive and my dead husband and him the same.

Electriq · 23/02/2022 18:11

No, you should stay away from a wodower.

Bookaholic73 · 23/02/2022 18:11

If they have children, keeping photos of the deceased is incredibly beneficial for the children.

It’s a very different situation than having an ‘ex’. There is no fault, just life circumstances.

Original poster
jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 18:14

Maybe I am just a super jealous person but there is no way I could marry a widower unless he was over his deceased wife and able to cope without a shrine

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 23/02/2022 18:15

So this is about you, rather than the widower.

Henryandhishoover · 23/02/2022 18:17

Unfortunately the only experience I have of a widowed husband getting married again is one who just wanted a stepford wife to replace the deceased one because he was a manchild cocklodger who had no idea how to run a home or care for his own offspring.

Suzi888 · 23/02/2022 18:18

@jillycooperfun

Maybe I am just a super jealous person but there is no way I could marry a widower unless he was over his deceased wife and able to cope without a shrine
This^ Never date a widower then. If your jealous of the dead, there’s no hope.
Original poster
jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 18:21

No I definitely won't, I'm married anyway I just wondered how other women coped

OP posts:
negomi90 · 23/02/2022 18:26

But you can love someone grieve for them and still move on.
If someone's child dies and they go on to have another child, they don't stop loving the deceased child nor does it mean they're unable to love the younger one. Having photos of their older one displayed and talking about them to others and the younger child doesn't disrespect the love they have for the younger one. You can love both.
There's a balance to be had, you need to have lots of space for the next love and can't be endlessly focussed on the bereavement, but you can still be grieving and moving forward at the same time.

Having a second partner after the death of the 1st is no different. There needs to be a balance and a healthy relationship, but its perfectly acceptable and healthy to keep pictures up.

Violetmo0n · 23/02/2022 18:30

You have to remember their partner was basically took away from them, they didn't split up.
You don't get over someone 100% after they've died. Love is still there as per above but doesn't mean you can't love someone else and move on.

JustLyra · 23/02/2022 18:33

My DH was widowed when we met. He was widowed very young and DS1 was a toddler.

Yes, we have photos of his late wife up. My kids have photos of their Mum up so why shouldn't DS1? There's not hundreds of them, but some - the first pic of DS when he was born (I also have the one of my girls with ex and I). One of their wedding photo is up in amongst a selection of pics as it has DH's grandparents and DS's grandfather in it who are all dead now.

She's not my rival. She never has been. DH loved her. He misses her, especially on days like DS's birthday or when he went to uni, but that's entirely natural.

Our relationship is different and solid enough that it's not an issue.

In fact the day that DS said that he wanted to call me Mum it was actually his Gran who told me that her daughter loved being his Mummy and leaving him was her biggest fear and she truly believed she'd be happy that he now (years later) has a Mum who loves him.

it doesn't have to be a rivalry.

Jarstastic · 23/02/2022 18:38

People can have photos without being a shrine to the deceased spouse. It could for example be in children's bedrooms.

And plenty of divorced people have photos of their exes up, if they have children.

The most important thing is that the widower has processed the trauma and opens their heart and life to their new partner.

Original poster
jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 18:39

@JustLyra do you see the kids as yours now? Is it just the first born boy that isn't biologically yours?
I think that's great that you can move forward like that, maybe like PP said widowers are easier than divorcees

OP posts:
SuziLikeSuziQ · 23/02/2022 18:40

My DH wasn't married, but it was a long-term relationship and she died very suddenly. He doesn't have photos of her in view, but I know he does have them, mainly on his computer. He occasionally talks about her/she comes up in conversation.

You just get used to it, I suppose. When we first started dating it did feel a bit odd, but now it's a perfectly natural part of our lives. It's part of who he is today. I'm certainly not jealous because I know we're best friends just like they were best friends.

Original poster
jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 18:41

@Jarstastic
There is no way I'd have a photo of the ex up in my house, children or not. Children can have an album

OP posts:
JustLyra · 23/02/2022 18:44

[quote jillycooperfun]@JustLyra do you see the kids as yours now? Is it just the first born boy that isn't biologically yours?
I think that's great that you can move forward like that, maybe like PP said widowers are easier than divorcees[/quote]
Yes. DS is the only one that's not biologically mine. We have 6 - Ds, 2 DDs who are 'mine' and then 3 that are ours. DS means the same to me as the other children.

I don't think it's easy either way. It's not the widower or divorcee that's the issue - a jealous or insecure person is going to struggle with either option imo.

GameofPhones · 23/02/2022 18:44

Well I must say I felt it didn't bode well when two widowed people I know got married and had photos of the deceased spouses in their bedroom. And indeed it didn't go well. I agree it's very different if children are involved.

JustLyra · 23/02/2022 18:45

[quote jillycooperfun]@Jarstastic
There is no way I'd have a photo of the ex up in my house, children or not. Children can have an album [/quote]
So you wouldn't even allow a child to put a photo up in their room?

Why not when it's their space?

Sandinmyknickers · 23/02/2022 18:45

People who have more than one child don't love the first less when the second one comes along.
The heart is capable of loving both and love is not a finite resource. I would think most people who had gone through the death of a spouse would be able to differentiate between the two sorts of love and not let their love for their dead spouse mean they love their new one any less...