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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Married a widower?

124 replies

jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 17:50

AIBU to think that a man should not enter a relationship if he still has feelings for another woman, even if she's dead?
Has anyone ever married a widower? I just think it must be so hard to step into another woman's shoes! The constant comparison and the husbands 'Rebecca syndrome' somehow they think it's ok to keep photos on display and screen savers of the deceased but that would never happen in a relationship where a man still loved his ex but she'd left him. Films are full of such scenarios, seen most recently on BBCs Chloe.
I don't even get the children thing, if I married a man who still had wedding photos around the house of the day he got married to his ex and he used his children as an excuse I'd be so uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 19:18

@JustLyra you are definitely a better person than me for never feeling jealousy or even a hint of it by the sounds of it. It does sound like loads of women on here cope really well with it which is amazing, I have no personal experience with it just from books like Rebecca and other peoples children, if you havnt read them give them a go... they are great but maybe a bit over dramatic! In these fictional scenarios the situation sounds almost u bearable, ghosts of a past life everywhere. Everyone giving the deceased a saint hood and such big shoes to fill. I suppose the photo thing was just an example of that, like the portrait Rebecca in Manderly

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SuziLikeSuziQ · 23/02/2022 19:19

@jillycooperfun

People arnt disagreeing with me but more saying these feelings are invalid. Plenty of people have the feelings so why say they are invalid
You asked if anyone had married a widower and said you'd think it would be hard to step into another woman's shoes. Posters are just telling you what it's actually like. Is it not what you wanted to hear? Saying you wouldn't want any photos of a deceased wife around just shows that you've never been in this situation and you don't actually know what it's like.
PeskyYeti · 23/02/2022 19:20

My dad is dating a window, so that makes it easier! They've been dating ten years and he has a picture of mum in the front room and his girlfriends picture in the bedroom Smile

Don't start on why they live separate after over ten years together, it's to guard their Children's inheritances apparently.

Your feelings are valid, but I think they're odd, if my husband died I'd always love him, but might want to love another. There's room in your heart to love many people.

Lisarinnaslipss · 23/02/2022 19:21

My mum is a widow so a flipped situation, she loves her partner and still has pictures of our step dad up who sadly passed 15 years ago. She lives in the family home and there are many important family photos on display, wedding, christenings etc. I'd be very upset if she removed them for the ego of another person. Deleting history doesn't serve anyone.

BeaLola · 23/02/2022 19:23

@TuscanApothecary

I wouldn't like to marry someone widowed. I would always feel a bit second best - if she was still alive then you wouldn't have wanted me sorta thing.
My DH was engaged to someone else years before me - I don't feel 2nd best
Anonymous48 · 23/02/2022 19:24

@PeskyYeti

Dating a window probably is a whole lot easier than dating a real person... Wink

Sittingonabench · 23/02/2022 19:28

It’s not for you and that’s fine. My uncle was sadly widowed young and remarried. One of the things my aunt loves about him (and chose to be with him) is how well he loved his first wife, how he cherished her and how that never went away. I’m sure she did experience some awkward jealousy at moments but those feelings are fleeting and don’t have the same strength as love and admiration.

Original poster
jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 19:28

You're all right about the photo thing when I think about it, I suppose you'd just get used to it

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PeskyYeti · 23/02/2022 19:28

[quote Anonymous48]@PeskyYeti

Dating a window probably is a whole lot easier than dating a real person... Wink[/quote]
GrinGrin

Transparency in a relationship is very important

Original poster
jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 19:30

@PeskyYeti haha brilliant

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PermanentTemporary · 23/02/2022 19:31

I'm very happy to be with my lovely bf who seems quite comfortable with the fact that I was married, still grieve for my late dh (not my 'ex' Hmm) and have pictures of him in my house plus lots of his artwork on the walls. What's true of course is that we don't live together- I can see that I would edit them down a bit if we lived in the same house. Also I do feel the occasional twinge of jealousy when he mentions his ex-wife, as she's gorgeous and still very much alive so I'm not a saint.

I don't have any pictures of my XH up. We divorced a thousand years ago and all the pics accurately document how unhappy we were. But I was very happy with my late dh for well over a decade. I don't believe in soul mates or a 'one and only', I think life is for living. Maybe if you do meet someone who's been bereaved you'll be a bit more mature OP.

JustLyra · 23/02/2022 19:33

[quote jillycooperfun]@JustLyra you are definitely a better person than me for never feeling jealousy or even a hint of it by the sounds of it. It does sound like loads of women on here cope really well with it which is amazing, I have no personal experience with it just from books like Rebecca and other peoples children, if you havnt read them give them a go... they are great but maybe a bit over dramatic! In these fictional scenarios the situation sounds almost u bearable, ghosts of a past life everywhere. Everyone giving the deceased a saint hood and such big shoes to fill. I suppose the photo thing was just an example of that, like the portrait Rebecca in Manderly[/quote]
It's not about being a better person, it's just that your assumption is not what real life is like for those of on here who have done it.

AlternativePerspective · 23/02/2022 19:34

I see you have a posting history of about 3 posts, one of which talks about how resentful you are of your husband’s ex wife.

So presumably you have posted this thread just to be goadie. Because really it’s so offensive it’s unreal.

Original poster
jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 19:39

@AlternativePerspective what's offensive about it?

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Original poster
jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 19:42

@AlternativePerspective I've just said how I admire people who can do it but I couldn't because of jealousy.

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tara66 · 23/02/2022 19:44

Remember in Islam men are allowed 4 living wives - which they usually cannot afford - but 2 is not unusual in some counties! They must be treated equally to avoid jealously. No need to be jealous of a deceased one though.

Anonymous48 · 23/02/2022 19:46

@jillycooperfun

You said "there is no way I could marry a widower unless he was over his deceased wife and able to cope without a shrine".

That is incredibly offensive.

tara66 · 23/02/2022 19:46

countries.

Cocomarine · 23/02/2022 19:47

You’re very immature. Thinking that a couple of books and a TV show are reality? 🤣

I’m married to a widower. His first wife sounds a hoot - lots of fun, very loving, very well suited to him - by his account and that of their mutual friends and his family, who I now know. They had 20 years together and were very happy.

So the main thing I took from that? A man who has experienced a great marriage, wants to marry me - bloody hell he must really love me!

I’m not in competition, and I’m not jealous. Head to head, she might even have been “better” for him than me. Who knows? Who cares? It’s not like he can make a choice.

He chats about her to me occasionally, talks about her to his now grown up children often. Just day to day stuff. Like when one of them wasn’t sure about her new hair cut, he said, “do you remember when mum used that red dye at home and it was super dark and she washed her hair 12x in 2 days before she would leave the house?” I like hearing stuff about his life, because I love him.

He visits her grave every week unless we’re away - go for it with your immature comments on that, if you like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ He finds peace there, and talks to her about what her sons are doing now. He told her about me. Whatever he needs to say. His love for her and loyalty touches me greatly.

Oh and their wedding photo is on the same shelf as ours. He looks like the cat that got the cream in both.

That he still loves her only shows his huge capacity for enduring love. I can’t, as a wife, see that as a bad thing 😁

Original poster
jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 19:48

@tara66 I don't think I could cope being one of 4 either haha, I'd rather be single... forever!

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thewhatsit · 23/02/2022 19:48

I don’t think if your spouse dies they become your ex as you’re calling them. Ex implies you split up.

DH is not dead so I’m not talking from experience here but if I think about friends I’ve had who tragically died young, they’re not ex friends and yes I still love them in a way but it has faded as time has gone on - I can’t pretend now that I’d have much in common with my best friend who I remember as the teenager she was when she died but I can still (vaguely) remember what it was like to both be teenagers together. I always assumed it would be the same if your spouse dies - as in, as devastating as it is time does move on and you might well find yourself with a new life and a new partner but that wouldn’t stop them being an important part of your history that you would not want erased?

Original poster
jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 19:51

@thewhatsit sorry did I refer to the deceased as ex? I really didn't mean to and thought I was being careful not to

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AlternativePerspective · 23/02/2022 20:03

I've just said how I admire people who can do it but I couldn't because of jealousy. no you didn’t say anything of the sort.

You said that a man shouldn’t enter into another relationship if he’s still in love with another woman even if she’s dead.

You compared it to still being in love with the ex

Called it some kind of syndrome (I’m not interested in what it’s called)

And then talked about how you’d seen it on tv and books and films.

And you really think that’s not offensive? Really?

Original poster
jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 20:08

@AlternativePerspective google Rebecca syndrome, it's from a very famous novel and there has been a few films made about it, Daphne de mourier. It's a syndrome where a wife feels 2nd place to the deceased

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Original poster
jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 20:10

Sorry @AlternativePerspective if I caused you offence. I get that's not the best way to put my question across.

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