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AIBU?

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Original poster

Married a widower?

124 replies

jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 17:50

AIBU to think that a man should not enter a relationship if he still has feelings for another woman, even if she's dead?
Has anyone ever married a widower? I just think it must be so hard to step into another woman's shoes! The constant comparison and the husbands 'Rebecca syndrome' somehow they think it's ok to keep photos on display and screen savers of the deceased but that would never happen in a relationship where a man still loved his ex but she'd left him. Films are full of such scenarios, seen most recently on BBCs Chloe.
I don't even get the children thing, if I married a man who still had wedding photos around the house of the day he got married to his ex and he used his children as an excuse I'd be so uncomfortable.

OP posts:
SuziLikeSuziQ · 23/02/2022 18:46

[quote jillycooperfun]@Jarstastic
There is no way I'd have a photo of the ex up in my house, children or not. Children can have an album [/quote]
So a child would not be allowed a photo of them and their mum in their bedroom, even? If their mum was alive? What if they rarely saw their mum because she had moved to another country and they lived basically full-time with you? Would you prevent them from having a photo in their room?

Knittingnanny2 · 23/02/2022 18:46

I married to a widower ( with now adult children and grandchildren). It’s fine, but we are older and wiser. He chose her, loved her, had children, sadly she died young, he carried on, met me years and years later.
We talk about her, they would probably still be married, but he loves me as well. It’s not a competition, it’s just how life turns out. She wouldn’t have wanted him to spend more of his life alone than he did with her. I know that because he told me she said so in her last few months.
Life is simpler when you get older in some ways!

loislovesstewie · 23/02/2022 18:51

My dad was widowed and then remarried. I can confirm that he loved both my mum and my stepmum equally. (I could see that for myself) When he died he was buried in the same grave as my mum, when my stepmum died she was buried with them. He had lots of love to give them both. My stepmum wasn't jealous because she knew he could love them both. She told me he was the best husband any woman could wish for.

Tequilabeliever · 23/02/2022 18:52

@jillycooperfun

Maybe to keep photos but on display, it's creepy
As someone who lost their mother as a very young child and my father remarried less than a year later, should I have just forgotten that I had a mother. Should we all have just pretended that she never existed.

In actual fact this was exactly what happened. Let me tell you this is very damaging for a child.

You sound very lacking in compassion. You have to understand that when a partner dies, it’s not a natural ending to a relationship like you get when you split up with someone. The relationship could have been cut off in its prime. People can’t just switch off their feelings and if there are children there should be photos around, if that’s what the children want.

It sounds like maybe you’re not cut out to have a relationship with someone who has lost their partner (that’s in no way a criticism by the way).

Mylittlecoconuts · 23/02/2022 18:52

You sound really cold hearted.

Ludo19 · 23/02/2022 18:53

@JustLyra your comment made me cry, not only for a young woman to leave her baby but for you to take on such a young child as your own, so heartwarming. Lovely that his maternal gran felt she could share that with you. You sound fantastic xx

Tequilabeliever · 23/02/2022 18:54

@JustLyra

My DH was widowed when we met. He was widowed very young and DS1 was a toddler.

Yes, we have photos of his late wife up. My kids have photos of their Mum up so why shouldn't DS1? There's not hundreds of them, but some - the first pic of DS when he was born (I also have the one of my girls with ex and I). One of their wedding photo is up in amongst a selection of pics as it has DH's grandparents and DS's grandfather in it who are all dead now.

She's not my rival. She never has been. DH loved her. He misses her, especially on days like DS's birthday or when he went to uni, but that's entirely natural.

Our relationship is different and solid enough that it's not an issue.

In fact the day that DS said that he wanted to call me Mum it was actually his Gran who told me that her daughter loved being his Mummy and leaving him was her biggest fear and she truly believed she'd be happy that he now (years later) has a Mum who loves him.

it doesn't have to be a rivalry.

That so lovely. You sound like a fab step mother. 💐 Mine was an absolute witch.
LolaButt · 23/02/2022 18:55

@JustLyra

My DH was widowed when we met. He was widowed very young and DS1 was a toddler.

Yes, we have photos of his late wife up. My kids have photos of their Mum up so why shouldn't DS1? There's not hundreds of them, but some - the first pic of DS when he was born (I also have the one of my girls with ex and I). One of their wedding photo is up in amongst a selection of pics as it has DH's grandparents and DS's grandfather in it who are all dead now.

She's not my rival. She never has been. DH loved her. He misses her, especially on days like DS's birthday or when he went to uni, but that's entirely natural.

Our relationship is different and solid enough that it's not an issue.

In fact the day that DS said that he wanted to call me Mum it was actually his Gran who told me that her daughter loved being his Mummy and leaving him was her biggest fear and she truly believed she'd be happy that he now (years later) has a Mum who loves him.

it doesn't have to be a rivalry.

You sound like a lovely lady Flowers
TuscanApothecary · 23/02/2022 18:57

I wouldn't like to marry someone widowed. I would always feel a bit second best - if she was still alive then you wouldn't have wanted me sorta thing.

LolaButt · 23/02/2022 18:59

OP, if I ever enter into another relationship, pictures of my dead husband will remain in my house. I love him, and his children love him.

Just because he died it didn’t kill the love. I definitely believe you should never go near a man who is widowed. Your callous viewpoint would break his already trampled heart.

CushionSpiral · 23/02/2022 18:59

[quote jillycooperfun]@Jarstastic
There is no way I'd have a photo of the ex up in my house, children or not. Children can have an album [/quote]
You’d hate my friend who does the heal the jest thing with her ex. He comes to the house Christmas Eve and stays so the kids have them burnt their for Christmas. Holidays they go on together with separate hotel rooms and the kids go between.

You sound lovely. I hope you never have to support a friend in this situation

billy1966 · 23/02/2022 19:00

@jillycooperfun, definitely give men with a previous relationship a wide berth, with your jealousy issues.

Feeling so insecure that you wouldn't want a child to have their late parents picture up is desperately sad, of you.

@JustLyra, lovely post.
You can be sure your sons late mother is at peace knowing he is with you.

My old friend lost her older sister.
Her BIL met someone within 2 years and his children loved her.
It was terribly painful for my friend to hear her nieces and nephew call this woman in no time.
Thankfully she was an absolutely lovely woman and my friend reconciled herself because her wonderful sister would have been thrilled that this woman now loved her children.

JustLyra · 23/02/2022 19:01

[quote Ludo19]@JustLyra your comment made me cry, not only for a young woman to leave her baby but for you to take on such a young child as your own, so heartwarming. Lovely that his maternal gran felt she could share that with you. You sound fantastic xx[/quote]
If I can be half the person with half the strength that the wonderful lady that has the nickname "Other MIL" has then I'll grow old very content. To lose her daughter so young and then have the strength to be supportive when seeing another woman do things with him is just immense.

She's a wonderful woman. She's coming to the theatre with MIL and I on Saturday and is very much part of our family.

Original poster
jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 19:01

@CushionSpiral that post makes absolutely no sense to me

OP posts:
NeverChange · 23/02/2022 19:02

I wouldn't have a problem marrying a widow and would be more surprised if his former wife wasn't mentioned on occasion and if there weren't any photos at all, especially if they had children.

How can you be jealous of a dead woman? If your jealous of a dead woman, how on earth do you control jealous of he speaks to or hangs out with other women?

Feedingthebirds1 · 23/02/2022 19:02

"Maybe I am just a super jealous person but there is no way I could marry a widower unless he was over his deceased wife and able to cope without a shrine"

Ouch. If you loved each other you never 'get over it'. You learn to live with it, the emotion gets less raw with time. But you sound like you'd expect someone to no longer have any feelings for their deceased spouse. It doesn't work like that.

olympicsrock · 23/02/2022 19:03

Wow - I see it the other way. My brother was a widower when his children were very young. His second wife asked that pictures of her were taken down but it was very sad for the children .

You can’t erase history and a dead wife is not competition

Original poster
jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 19:05

I like how everyone is saying being jealous of a dead person makes no sense when it's so common it's actually got a syndrome and is well documented. Everyone must be saints on Mumsnet

OP posts:
KohlaParasaurus · 23/02/2022 19:06

I have told my husband that if I die while he's still young I expect him to remarry and I'll haunt him until he does. He's good at being married and I think he'd soon put his feelings for me behind him without erasing our history together.

JustLyra · 23/02/2022 19:07

@jillycooperfun

I like how everyone is saying being jealous of a dead person makes no sense when it's so common it's actually got a syndrome and is well documented. Everyone must be saints on Mumsnet
Why bother starting a thread if you are just going to get snarky with people who disagree with you?
Original poster
jillycooperfun · 23/02/2022 19:09

People arnt disagreeing with me but more saying these feelings are invalid. Plenty of people have the feelings so why say they are invalid

OP posts:
owlinnahat · 23/02/2022 19:10

There is no way I'd have a photo of the ex up in my house, children or not. Children can have an album

You definitely should never date a widower. I lost my mother when I was little and the thought of not being allowed photos up makes me want to cry. Thankfully my dad married my lovely stepmother who has always been incredibly supportive and accepting. I know my dad is utterly devoted to her as well as still loving my mum and I'm so glad my stepmum could get her head around that. I can't imagine how we would have functioned as a family if she hadn't.

As it stands, on my wedding day we all raised a glass to my mum who wasn't able to be there but my stepmum was there too, and gave a speech and hosted my hen do.

JustLyra · 23/02/2022 19:12

@jillycooperfun

People arnt disagreeing with me but more saying these feelings are invalid. Plenty of people have the feelings so why say they are invalid
Literally no-one has said that.
Anonymous48 · 23/02/2022 19:14

@jillycooperfun

Maybe I am just a super jealous person but there is no way I could marry a widower unless he was over his deceased wife and able to cope without a shrine
I don't think you're a super jealous person. I think you're a callous unfeeling person. And I guess you've never been through a major bereavement, because if you had you would understand that you never "get over" the grief.

I was widowed suddenly in my 20's, pregnant and with a young child too. I remarried a few years later and I have now been with my current husband for twice as long as I was with my late husband. Guess what? I still love my late husband. I still miss him and the grief sometimes hits me like a punch to the gut. Reminders of him and his death can still easily bring me to tears.

Guess what else? I love my husband just as much as I loved my late husband. If anything, maybe more so, as our love has deepened over the years.

Luckily for me he understands that I will always love my late husband and that is no reflection on him. And, unlike you, he doesn't think that people who are widowed should spend the rest of their lives alone.

poTAYtoes · 23/02/2022 19:16

If you're not comfortable with a man's past, don't form a relationship with him. I'd hope that if I died, my husband wouldn't pretend I hadn't existed, or burn or delete or hide all evidence of our life together, like it was some dirty secret.

Life is messy. Marrying someone who's lost someone they loved isn't going to be the same as marrying someone who's never been in love before. Most men old enough to be a widower will have had previous relationships, anyway. The older we are, the less likely we'll meet someone who has no history. The lack of a romantic history is in itself a history.