Married a widower?

[jillycooperfun]

AIBU to think that a man should not enter a relationship if he still has feelings for another woman, even if she's dead?
Has anyone ever married a widower? I just think it must be so hard to step into another woman's shoes! The constant comparison and the husbands 'Rebecca syndrome' somehow they think it's ok to keep photos on display and screen savers of the deceased but that would never happen in a relationship where a man still loved his ex but she'd left him. Films are full of such scenarios, seen most recently on BBCs Chloe.
I don't even get the children thing, if I married a man who still had wedding photos around the house of the day he got married to his ex and he used his children as an excuse I'd be so uncomfortable.

Personally I would not think much of a man who could totally erase someone he claimed to have loved from his life just because she had died, especially very quickly.

It’s hard enough being a widow and coping with the loss of a beloved partner without people thinking that you can’t have another relationship. There’s so much judgement of people who’ve lost their partner. I’ve never had another relationship and wouldn’t know where to start. But I don’t want to be alone forever.

Of course you’re not. You have deliberately started a goadie thread passing judgement on a huge number of people. Let’s not pretend you didn’t know that would be offensive to many.

And incidentally I’m not personally offended as I’m not a widow. But there are plenty of people on this site who are. And you have essentially started a sneering thread sighting films and books in which you are passing judgement over the fact those people may wish to marry again, and how if they do then they should obliterate all memories of their late partner from their lives, otherwise they’re being unreasonable.

What exactly did you expect the response to be when you started a thread asking people whether you’re being unreasonable for thinking that marrying if you’ve been a widow/widower is unreasonable unless you treat the late partner as an ex? Did you expect people to say “no yanbu, of course they would be unreasonable, either widows should mourn their partners for the rest of their life, or they should cast the memory aside and move on to a new shiny living partner who deserves not to be reminded that their husband/wife lost someone once, possibly in difficult circumstances.

I think people can enter a new relationship after death of a loved one but not just because they don't want to be alone, they must truly love that person and be prepared in many ways to move on from that past relationship

@Whereohwhereohwhere

Oh my goodness. I'm a widow married to a widower! Love isn't exclusive. My heart is big enough and wise enough to know I can love both my alive and my dead husband and him the same.

This!

@jillycooperfun considering this is "hypothetical" I have no idea why you would make a thread like this-you are coming across as not a very nice person and very invested for something that is not happening to you.

You don't seem to be open to any other opinions-what do you want out of this thread?

It just feels mean spirited

You don’t “move on” from losing a partner. You can’t just wipe the slate clean. You can move forwards certainly, but the person you have lost will always be a big part of you.

I think as you get older people often mature and realise it's not about possession and importance and exclusion. If someone had been married and she had died I would think it was lovely that he loved her so much. I certainly wouldn't get jealous of a dead person!

@jillycooperfun

I think people can enter a new relationship after death of a loved one but not just because they don't want to be alone, they must truly love that person and be prepared in many ways to move on from that past relationship

That's not remotely the same as "AIBU to think that a man should not enter a relationship if he still has feelings for another woman, even if she's dead?"

They loved that person, you can't expect that they just act like they never existed. They played a massive role in there life. Totally different to a divorce or break up, your way of thinking is very naive

@AlternativePerspective I've worded it kinder more considerate way after realising the offence caused

Widow here. New DP hung photos of DH back up when re redecorated.

But then DP isn't scared of a photograph. You need to woman up OP, you sound fragile and ignorant.

@WaterBottle123 maybe I am fragile, and definitely getting an insight into the remarriage after death scenario, sounds like most people live very happily

Whoa @AlternativePerspective you need to calm down I think

OP, you’re the one being goadie. You’re the one who deliberately posted an offensive thread casting judgement over people whose lives you know nothing about. Don’t get upset when people call you out for what you really are.

Don’t give it out if you can’t take it.

@AlternativePerspective it's more the swearing and anger, sorry I was insensitive I'm clearly trying to make up for that

[quote jillycooperfun]@AlternativePerspective google Rebecca syndrome, it's from a very famous novel and there has been a few films made about it, Daphne de mourier. It's a syndrome where a wife feels 2nd place to the deceased[/quote]
If you’re going to start “educating” 🤣 people on syndromes, based on fiction, at least maybe get the author’s name right?

But look, as you’re taking fiction to be equivalent to peer reviewed research, I’m intrigued that you describe it as the second wife feeling second placed, and yet your thread isn’t, “how creepy is it when a woman hasn’t got the maturity to cope with her husband’s life?”

Stop projecting your own immaturity onto others, and stop basing your psychological analysis on the equivalent of a Cosmo quiz 🙄 It makes you come across as rather dim.

@Cocomarine you must have been intrigued enough to read all the posts
I think this Rebecca syndrome is pretty interesting too.

I suppose at least you are being honest (with yourself) about your feelings OP. I wouldn't advise you to get into a relationship with a widower (or divorcee).

I'm pleased there are people who don't feel the same way - and can enter into relationships with widowers and their children without feelings of jealousy to a dead woman. To expect someone to hide away signs of their previous life does not seem healthy and as pp's have posted, is very damaging to any children involved.

So you think it's OK starting thread as a bit of light entertainment to judge point fingers, poke and speculate about people who have lost a life partner, when you've never ever gone through the pain or the experience.

Words fail me.

OP has a very strange take on films!
In "Rebecca", the widowed husband hated the dead wife.
In "Chloe", the widowed husband had murdered his dead wife.

@jillycooperfun

Maybe to keep photos but on display, it's creepy

Fucking hell 🙄🙄

@2bazookas awww I'd not finished Chloe yet haha

My sister in law bans any photos of my niece and nephew dead mum in their house, and we all think it's a fucking disgrace.

Those children's mother existed, and matters. Her photo should be on display. Their feelings come before the insecurity of the new wife 🤷‍♀️