DH has suggested division of childcare/housework unfair...

[ooooopsididit]

Just that really!

DH works full time, from home until recently, but is now back in the office two days per week.

I am a SAHM of two nursery age children.

Both children are at nursery four half days and one full day per week.

DH and I split the morning get up and ready routine, and bedtime routines between us.

The housework is also split about 50/50, although I do more cooking and all laundry.

I also do all lunchtime pickups of DC.

For the complete picture I do have a little cleaning job of about four hours a week, but I could give that up if I wanted the extra time back.

I thought this was fine but DH his just said he thinks it's a bit unfair... I suspect he may be right.

AIBU to expect this to be fine
YABU to split this way as he works full time

I was a SAHM for five years. At that time DH left for work at 7am, usually returned 5.30-7pm. I had more than enough time for childcare, all housework, gardening chores, shopping, cooking, so I did it as I didn't expect DH to turn around to do them in his free time when I had plenty. He was always grateful I had a meal on the go on his return. If he was early he'd spend time with children while I finished tea. If late, he'd take over bath and bedtime routine. The only thing he had to do after 8pm was shower and relax and at weekends help with anything in the house/garden I was struggling with, otherwise he was free the whole weekend to enjoy himself with his family/relax.

maybe he is offering to do it because you haven't got round to doing it and he wants a clean bath!

Sorry - he is hard done by

[quote ooooopsididit]@VirginMedium thank you!

Having been a SAHM and a full time employee in an office, I know what I've found more demanding.

When I worked in an office I didn't have someone asking me to wipe their bottom etc. I could make myself a drink or eat lunch without interruption
[/quote]
Try working as a nursery teacher. I know which one I would find more stressful. 👍🏼

@Liveandkicking I 100% agree with you about how women get 'trapped' in a lifestyle in which the husband has become accustomed to not taking on responsibility.

The really big thing for me is to ask your DH how much time he is planning to spend with his dcs.
The reality is that the only way he is going to build a bond and a Relationship with his dcs that will go well into adulthood is by spending time with them. If he wants to step down from morning and evening routine and keep only the good bits at the weekend, he’ll end up a Disney dad. And probably not one with a strong bond with his dcs.

I also agree about the time spent doing the weekly shopping, all the admin etc… so I’d say you might want to have some tweaks there and then but I’d be wondering too if he has a clear idea of what you are doing each day (as well as how long it takes, how much energy etc….).
Have you ever gone through that list with him and said ‘ok so this is what I do (and how long it takes…) during the week whilst you are work. How are we going to slit that up then?’

Nothing MN lives more than to tell a SAHM what she should be doing.

OP, if I were you, I’d get a cleaner on the Monday morning or the Friday when both are in nursery. As a SAHM, you need your ‘me’ time and a mental break. When the cleaner is there, this should be your three hours if whatever to take yourself out if the house and do something just got you. Don’t neglect yourself.

@ifonly4

I was a SAHM for five years. At that time DH left for work at 7am, usually returned 5.30-7pm. I had more than enough time for childcare, all housework, gardening chores, shopping, cooking, so I did it as I didn't expect DH to turn around to do them in his free time when I had plenty. He was always grateful I had a meal on the go on his return. If he was early he'd spend time with children while I finished tea. If late, he'd take over bath and bedtime routine. The only thing he had to do after 8pm was shower and relax and at weekends help with anything in the house/garden I was struggling with, otherwise he was free the whole weekend to enjoy himself with his family/relax.

Well, he sure had it made didnt he!

@ifonly4

I was a SAHM for five years. At that time DH left for work at 7am, usually returned 5.30-7pm. I had more than enough time for childcare, all housework, gardening chores, shopping, cooking, so I did it as I didn't expect DH to turn around to do them in his free time when I had plenty. He was always grateful I had a meal on the go on his return. If he was early he'd spend time with children while I finished tea. If late, he'd take over bath and bedtime routine. The only thing he had to do after 8pm was shower and relax and at weekends help with anything in the house/garden I was struggling with, otherwise he was free the whole weekend to enjoy himself with his family/relax.

And how much time did he spend with his dcs?

I mean to parent them as an equal parent to you
To build a Relationship with themTo learn what they had done at school, what makes them Tick etc…

If there is one thing I’ve learnt from raising children is that you get what you put in. You can’t expect a great relationship with your adult dc if you were never there for them when they were little. And that means there to put them to bed, deal with tantrums and fights etc…

Unfortunately I have a great example in front if me with DH. :(

With so much time to yourself, I’d expect that you’d do more of the housework.

Who takes on the organisational stuff, the mental liar?

mental load ffs darn autocorrect

@LaChanticleer

mental load ffs darn autocorrect

To be fair I've met quite a few 'mental liars' !

You both should have the same amount of free time, and time for a mental break. Sounds quite unfair to me, which you already know from your OP.

@ooooopsididit

I'm asking if it's a fair division of housework and childcare between us, as he works full time and I'm a SAHM but we split everything 50/50.

He seems to think not. I hadn't really thought about it until he pointed it out.

So he works, say, 40 hours a week, and of those same 40 hours, you’re responsible for childcare minus the time the dcs are at nursery - I’m estimating that equates to 4 x 3 hours for the mornings and 1 x 6 hours for the full time day = 18 hours. Subtract travel time to and from nursery - 30 mins a day - that leaves you with 15 and a half hours where you are completely child free. Of those hours, you work out of the home for 4 hours. You have 11 free hours a week. If I were in your position, I’d expect to do the vast majority of the housework.

[quote ooooopsididit]@VirginMedium thank you!

Having been a SAHM and a full time employee in an office, I know what I've found more demanding.

When I worked in an office I didn't have someone asking me to wipe their bottom etc. I could make myself a drink or eat lunch without interruption
[/quote]
Yes but you haven’t tried to do both..

We’ve all bee sahm at some point on maternity leave and I can assure you that working as well as balancing all of the things that you deem work (but have free time to do them in) is much harder than just being at home and setting your own schedule..

No, I don't think the split is fair. Has he suggested something he'd be happier with? Our situation is slightly similar to yours. I work full time and my husband works part time. He's only contracted to 10 hours a week which are spread over three evenings. Our kids are school age so he does all childcare etc during school holidays and works an additional ten hours during school hours in term time. He does all laundry, food shopping and cleaning and school drop off/pick up. I pitch in more at weekends or if I'm off/the kids are off as it's harder work to get things done. We split bedtimes pretty evenly and I get up with them in the mornings as I'm an early riser and he's not. One child has hot dinners so I sort one lunchbox. I also cook and clean up the kitchen on the nights he's working. I am sometimes jealous that he gets at least one full free school day to himself during the school terms as housework doesn't take up all of his days off work. And I sometimes feel fed up and worn out by the long days where I do a day at work and then have to do all cooking and cleaning up of an evening. But then I remember that he has the kids full time every school holiday, of which there are many! So it's swings and roundabouts. And it means we don't have to spend on childcare.

@ooooopsididit

its wicked on here

@MissMaple82

Sounds fair to me. Childcare IS a job!!

Being a parent isn’t though.. it’s a choice

You can’t expect a great relationship with your adult dc if you were never there for them when they were little. And that means there to put them to bed, deal with tantrums and fights etc...

Not sure I agree with that. I have a brilliant relationship with my mum and my dad, and my dad spent most of my childhood working. When he did stuff with us, which wasn't very often, he was definitely Disney Dad. He never did any housework or dealing with tantrums or fights. That was mum's domain.

It worked well for them, and we were all very happy, secure children (and now middle aged adults) who were and are part of a fantastic, functional, happy family. My dad still is now Disney Grandpa.

My husband also pitched in more when the roles were reversed and I was a sahm with him working full time, but in that situation I had a toddler at home full time so not as easy as school children. I think these things should be revisited as time goes on and your situation changes.

Looking after children is a full time job, but you’re doing it part time as your children are also in nursery. So your DH is working full time and you are working part time so yes, I would expect you to do more.

Childcare isn't a job compared to.....a job.

Your a STAHM with kids in nursery most of the week. If I was your husband I'd be expecting you to do the lions share.

@saraya7

Nothing MN lives more than to tell a SAHM what she should be doing.

OP, if I were you, I’d get a cleaner on the Monday morning or the Friday when both are in nursery. As a SAHM, you need your ‘me’ time and a mental break. When the cleaner is there, this should be your three hours if whatever to take yourself out if the house and do something just got you. Don’t neglect yourself.

And who is paying for the cleaner? DH's salary is already paying for nursery, even though OP doesn't work - presumably that is, at least in part, to give her a break.

And if she is spending 9 hours (excluding travel time to and from nursery) a week on household chores, she really needs to drop her standards. She has plenty of time for a "mental break".

I don't know why you would ask this on here. First off nobody knows all the ins and outs of who does what in someone else's house and tbh it doesn't sound like you split it 50/50, it sounds like you do more. Secondly, it doesn't matter how anyone splits the chores as long as both parties are happy with it. Your H is not. It needs a conversation. Thirdly, MN fucking hates SAHMs and likes to whip them as hard as they can if they don't profess to do all housework ever.

Assuming so your children are in the nursery 1 full day (do you can work)plus 4 1/2 days? I think you should be doing all the day to day housework weekdays plus split children related tasks and weekend chores. I did this even when they weren't in nursery!

You don’t do nearly enough. It’s unfair on your DH.